Ok, so here's my problem - if you can call it a problem....

I have a pretty strong urge to tell about/show Laura to people I know in an unmistakable way - heck, people i don't know  too.

Last few weeks I've been going out pretty obviously presenting as female all the time. No skirts or heels yet (I desperately need so dress casual moccasin-type shoes before the winter gets here) at least locally (I've gone out in Tupelo a couple of times in skirts) but definitely looking overtly female (inasmuch as that's physically possible).

I do not attempt to simulate breast - I haven't a bra that works right for my still-too-big chest anyway...but I do have a strapless elastic kind of wrap-around bra thing that I've worn padded outside this town - yet. but I'm tempted every time.

The thing is, every time I go to Wal mart or the grocery like that, I may well run into my dad, or one of my old professors or classmates or former co-workers I'm friendly with, or (and this would be a dramatic day) one of my wife's family.

but the point is....i find myself WANTING to run into someone. WANTING to tell them frankly about why I look that way.

When I take my night time walks now I usually wear a cotton athletic skirt I have understanding that hopefully the passing car will see and assume that's a woman walking down the road. (one of the benefits of living in this little town is that I'm as safe at 2 AM as i would be at 2 PM)

Anyway, the point of all this ramble is, did you girls go through a stage like this too, or am I just a glutton for potential drama?

(and by the way, I'd love to get a blog for meaningless rambling like this)

I wouldn't doubt it if a lot of girls do, but keep this in mind:

If you're wanting people to come up and make the first move in a discourse about your transition, then chances are you're not ready to be as frank with those people as you think. The idea of others starting the conversation that leads to your coming out to them may seem less intimidating than actually coming out to others unprompted, but that doesn't change the nature of the conversation.

I went through that.  I went through it because I needed authenticity in my relationships and dealing with others who were close to me with such a big and important part of me being secret made me feel worse about those relationships.  In the end it I did it so I could feel closer to others.

What would happen if you ran into your wife's family?

divorce lol

Hi Laura,
After Cindy went out the first time there was no stopping her. I've told too many people to ever go back. But I have protected myself at work, mainly .

But it comes down to what would happen if yoy met your wife's family, professor etc.
Would they respect you?

Cindy

Hi Laura,

I have been having the same feelings. I have been feeling that if I 'slip up' and let someone (my mother) see me in some way dressed as a woman, or just leave something lying around 'by accident' then it would be my opening to having to fess up to my GID and transitioning. While this has felt like a good way to break it to someone, it also strikes me as being a bit cruel to them, something of a shock that forces them to broach the subject and not me honestly telling them that this is what I am going through.

I have been slowly telling friends that I trust, but avoiding coming out to others, like my mom, because I don't feel that I'm ready yet, I'm not comfortable enough with myself to open up that door. We'll see how it works out one day.

I guess you are further along that road than I am.

Deanna

My main concern for you kind of relates to what Cindy said. Once you move forward, it's really hard to go back...I would think it could be devastating psychologically; especially since as far as I understand with the exception of your reluctant wife (presumably the one who wants to mix viagra in with your hrt  ) you are pretty much alone in this.

Look at how many of us have pacts with ourselves to end our lives rather than ever de-transition. The other night a friend described to me what detransitioning is like, and it only reinforced my hara-kiri pact. I didn't like the sound of it, not one bit. So, I guess the question remains, when the drama comes what will be the outcome for you?

Quote from: MissAshley on September 24, 2009, 01:18:50 AM
I wouldn't doubt it if a lot of girls do, but keep this in mind:

If you're wanting people to come up and make the first move in a discourse about your transition, then chances are you're not ready to be as frank with those people as you think. The idea of others starting the conversation that leads to your coming out to them may seem less intimidating than actually coming out to others unprompted, but that doesn't change the nature of the conversation.

No that's not it. there are 10-12 people out there who i have told specifically and almost all of them I initiated the conversation.

there are a couple of cases (her family, my dad) where my wife is reluctant for me to take the inititive and tell them, so in those cases it's more a bit of hope that that choice is "taken out of our hands" -  for the others, the reason I haven't initiated the conversation is mostly an uncertainty of how appropriate it is to look up a person you only occasionally see in order to tell them something that that probably don't really have any need or desire to know.

My old Prof for instance, he probably will disapprove but I'm not really worried about THAT - I just don't think it seems proper to go look someone up and say "I want to talk about me!"

I think we all go through that.  And I know that the underlying urge, we when really believe we are female, is to be verified by outside affirmation.  GGs do a LOT of that too.  But beware, it is a slippery slope.  There will come a time when someone laughs at you or outs you in a not-so-flattering way.  It hurts a lot. 

I think there is also the temptation (maybe subconscious) of wanting just to be all out and get it over with.  Careful there.

If you are not out to your family, I would not go where you might see them.  Get your feet wet by going out of town if at all possible.  When you are confident enough, by then you might not care if they see you!

Best of luck, sweetie!

Kristi

OH how I wish I could tell, more like just show then tell, but.... Laura would know we have meet face to face and talked for awhile, BTW you should come by again... telling or showing a difficult thing....

Quote from: Becca on September 24, 2009, 01:50:20 AM
What would happen if you ran into your wife's family?

Laughter mostly.

they are, pardon the judgmental sound here, rednecks. They would not necessarily be directly hateful intentionally (maybe but probably not at least not to my face or hers) but the ones who didn't suppress all reaction would find it hilarious.

Then go home and talk about me to each other (which bothers me not at all).

She would be...unhappy. but she knows it's bound to happen and as long as I don't go looking for them to force the issue she wouldn't be angry.

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Post Merge: September 24, 2009, 04:33:36 PM

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Quote from: Becca on September 24, 2009, 11:20:20 AM
My main concern for you kind of relates to what Cindy said. Once you move forward, it's really hard to go back...

No danger there - I'm not going back. That ship has already sailed.

QuoteI would think it could be devastating psychologically; especially since as far as I understand with the exception of your reluctant wife (presumably the one who wants to mix viagra in with your hrt  ) you are pretty much alone in this.

You have a couple of pretty big misunderstandings there:

First, a lot more people that my wife know. I've got a thread here somewhere called "Nine and counting" (which needs an update really lol). My wife, her best sister, my two sons, my landlady, my hairdresser, my mom, my best (male) friend, my best friend in high school (also male), and a girl who was a close "girlfriend) in a non-dating sense) when I was a young man have all been told directly, at my initiative. All have been at least accepting and some a few have been very supportive.
Additionally, I've run into several people out and about who are not so stupid they can't see what's going on. One I've mentioned here is the pastor who married me and his wife. He's a fundy type and strongly disapproves and he basically ignored me, but I've run into her two or three times, including today (when I was dressed as I am in the avatar except with small hoop earrings) and I speak to her and pretty much trap her into either treating me normally or being rude and so far she's reasonably friendly.

To be perfectly clear, I haven't left the house in anything made for a man in weeks...and if you don't count the "flowerdy shirts" it's probably been a couple of months. this isn't really a discussion of whether I should "be careful" because that's pretty much past.

the second thing is on the bviagra question. that's not my wife's thinking, she has said nothing on the subject. That was just me trying to be well informed. I haven't started HRT yet (too much fat and too little money though I'm more and more tempted to not worry so much about the weight if I get the chance) but I ask questions so I can be prepared when the time comes.
One of her concerns was the lose of physical relations between us (albeit we are not burning up the sheets now) and so I was curious. But she hasn't even hinted at that.

She is, otherwise, a mixture of regret and concern. She really doesn't want me to do this but she shaves my back, she points out things I might like on the sales rack, she shares makeup....that's just the kind of nature she has. I do wish she could love Laura as much as she loves him but I've got it better than most.

Quote
Look at how many of us have pacts with ourselves to end our lives rather than ever de-transition. The other night a friend described to me what detransitioning is like, and it only reinforced my hara-kiri pact. I didn't like the sound of it, not one bit. So, I guess the question remains, when the drama comes what will be the outcome for you?

There is no such thing as de-transitioning, as far as I'm concerned. the ONLY way that happens for me is if she puts me out and I'm penniless and living on the street with no practical way to shave and so forth.

i admire people who r able to get these things figured out @ a younger age, & manage to come up w/a sensable(as possible) strategy for transition, instead of trying to climb down a cliff w/o falling & w/o climbing gear. It just feels @ times like one misstep...   

Quote from: Kristi on September 24, 2009, 02:12:59 PM
I think we all go through that.  And I know that the underlying urge, we when really believe we are female, is to be verified by outside affirmation.

Yes, I think this is it exactly.

Quote
GGs do a LOT of that too.  But beware, it is a slippery slope.  There will come a time when someone laughs at you or outs you in a not-so-flattering way.  It hurts a lot. 

Already had that happen from strangers a couple of times. As far as acquaintances, the truth is I've always been a pretty disconnected person emotionally. There's hardly anyone I can think of outside my own home who - if they told me flat out I was a freak and they would never speak to me again - would trouble me all that much.

now, maybe when(IF!) I ever get to start HRT I'll become a basket case but right now my opporating philosophy is "screw em"

in fact, it might be surmised that I'm in a bit of a hurry to "sort" the sheep from the goats, so to speak. to know who will and who won't accept me.

Quote
I think there is also the temptation (maybe subconscious) of wanting just to be all out and get it over with.  Careful there.

If you are not out to your family, I would not go where you might see them.  Get your feet wet by going out of town if at all possible.  When you are confident enough, by then you might not care if they see you!

Best of luck, sweetie!

Kristi

I'm pretty confident, given my reservations about weight and stuff, now. The only reason I haven't looked up my dad is because my wife worries about it. If I run into him at Wal mart it won't be the most ethical "coming out" but the issue will be on the table and she will have to accept me explaining it to him.

I saw a lady today I had know back in my party days and we talked a while and it was cool. Later i saw a lady from my last church and didn't speak other than to acknowledge we saw each other and I'm sure she's on the phone to the ladies prayer group right now...but she got me to thinking - who could I possibly see coming down the aisle that I would REALLY not have wanted to see. Enough that I'd really regret the makeup I had on or whatever.

I couldn't really think of any. there are some for whom finding out in Wal mart wouldn't be the best way to do it if it was entirely up to me, but I can't think of anyone I'd really want to be "in the closet" with.

My philosophy is: Love me or hate me but know who I really am.

I'm done with masks and lies and hiding.

Wow, you've been busy, good for you  I'm sorry I haven't kept up, with school starting this week and the abundance of shiny things in the world I've been distracted. It sounds like you are putting your money where your mouth is so to speak, something a lot of people have issues with.

I just don't think it seems proper to go look someone up and say "I want to talk about me!"

True that.  That's what councilors/therapists/psychologists/psychiatrist/bartenders are paid to do, rather well I hope, for that is dreary work. 

Remember, you can't 'un-come out' its permanent. And I'd try to control the event to the degree you can (but I'm a control freak too) and not have it 'just happen' at the WallMart.  Huge public scenes are often entertaining for onlookers, but to be involved in it is not my thing.

Laura, I did what you did.  (Maybe we all do.)  I would walk around the park in the dark, figuring that even if someone saw me they wouldn't recognize me.  It got worse and worse.  Finally, I knew I had to start coming out to my friends and then to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen.

I once read a book addressed to gays and lesbians on how to come out.  The thing that really stuck in my mind was:


It is extremely tempting to let it just happen, but it will work for you better if you control the process.  It sounds like it is time to tell everyone about Laura.

Good luck, sweetie.

- Kate

Well OK, Laura, it seems you are well along the path of coming out.  I just want you to be careful, as others have said.  There have been times when I have been rather careless and almost regretted it.  One time I ran into my niece at a store.  Her mother was also standing nearby.  Another time I almost backed over my sister-in-law in a busy parking lot who was flagging down my brother to let him know she had found an empty parking space.  In neither case did any of them recognize me.  I look back and it is still hard to believe it is true, but it really happened.   I live in a much bigger city than you do.  The law of averages WILL catch up with you.  I look very different than my ugly male self.  (Thank God)  A little buffer zone perhaps, but I learned my lesson.

Again, I wish you the best of luck, honey.

Kristi

Kristi,
You must have incredible blood pressure control .

I have to admit there appears to be a Law of Consequence. When you go at as the girl you are you will meet people who know you as a male. You NEVER meet them when you are in male drab. I went to a resturant with another girl friend. Never been there before, by all accounts not a paricular popular place. At the next table were four GGs that I work with, having a girls night out. Fortunatley they had had several glasses of lemonade and continued with several more, so they weren't all that aware.

Laura, do you mind if I put your post in another perspective?

When is the right time to let everyone know? Some of us have been living lies for ever. We are now at a point were the lie cannot survive. When is that time?

For me it has approached, I've started telling people but being a little careful about the money trail. I hoping to start laser and electrolysis in two weeks. There is no going back. I think I have reached a point were I really don't care about what 'people' think. I need to be me. Is that the kick off point?

BTW Deanna, I meant to make a comment last time, you look cute honey, you look cute.

Cindy

hey cindy i just started electro and seeing a counsilor for me when deciding when to And i hate this term {come out} i prefer on deciding on when to be me i took my therapist idea and modified it to suit me the thing is she said is decide on which closets you want to deconstruct and when so what i decided is the first thing i will do is first to not build any knew ones. So how does this translate to real life well i met and old friend tonight that i havent seen in a while as i will soon be on hrt when he gave me his number and said call him we can get a beer i thought to my self really if it had been a few months into the future boy wouldnt you have been shocked so i sent him a text. i said hey have you ever heard of susans place google it when you get home. which he did i got a text saying WoW i sent a text back saying so if you dont want that beeer now i understand. his reponse its kewl we can still chill together. there you have it one closet deconstructed. on to the next.
jessica