My story. I have always liked girls. Always. My first crushes were on girls, my best friends were always girls I was attracted to. In high school I started to identify as bisexual, but only with my closest friends. I always dated boys. At barely nineteen I married a young man who I was with until I was 27.

Our relationship was...not so good. It got to the point that we were really really good friends who checked out women together. There were other issues, but while our friendship was strong, our marriage was failing miserably. We were both at fault. The last year I was with him, I met an amazing woman who I fell in love with. I talked to him about my feelings for her, and he set down an ultimatum. Our relationship, as it was, or I was to go.

So I left. I fought long and hard to come to terms with the fact that I am gay. Coming out to my family, obliterating my future as I knew it, learning to live on my own and take care of myself. Being a lesbian is who I realized I am. Being a strong proud woman and dating a strong proud woman was what finally made me feel whole.

Several months ago I met this amazing individual. There was instant attraction. We went on our first date and he informed me that he is ftm. He's pre-everything right now. He just came out as trans a few months before meeting me. It was supposed to be casual. He lives over an hour away, he starts school tomorrow for his chosen field, and it will be difficult and time consuming. We were supposed to be a fling. Nothing more. I thought I could handle a short fling with a really cute ftm pre-everything guy no problem. I really don't want to offend anyone here, but it was a long hard road for me to travel to get to identifying as lesbian, so...

And then I fell for him. Hard. That was not supposed to happen. He fell for me as well, and now we are working through the long distance/no time/still pretty much getting to know each other in the long-term sense thing.

But I started looking for resources over the last few days because I started having a freak out. A serious freak out.

I told my mother about him and she kinda got weirded out about the male pronoun. So I explained the ftm thing. Then I realized several other things about myself. I make the disclaimer trans in front of the word boy. Or, in writing, refer to him as boi. Or, when talking to my boss about him, I use the non-gender them, they or their. (I'm out at work, by the way.)

I don't know what this is. When his friends, who are still dealing with his transition, refer to him as her, I instantly correct them. But I have a hard time using the masculine pronouns when I am talking about him to others when he isn't around. Am I ashamed? Absolutely not. He's amazing. Funny, kind, witty, giving, loyal, handsome, chivalrous, and is always surprising me with his depths and support. I would introduce him to anyone in a heartbeat. Am I embarassed? Am I afraid of losing my hard won dyke card? What is this?

I don't know. I really don't.

The other thing that worries me is what happens when he does start T. Will I still be attracted to him? I have a few ftm friends. In the first couple of years I loved the way they smelled. As time wore on and they continued with T, they started smelling too much like man for me. They were beautiful as women, but as men they are even more so because I can see the happiness and confidence in them. But when it gets down to the nitty gritty, the basic pheremone attraction thing, I am concerned. I'm not worried about top surgery. Anything that will make him more comfortable with his body will be better for both of us in the long run.

And finally, the thing that has been really bothering me is this. He doesn't completely know whether or not he wants to fully transition. The way he explains it is this. He sits pretty firmly on the gender fence, but since he lives in a society that forces him to choose one or the other, he'll pick the one that's more comfortable and that box is marked M. He asked me if I would be okay if he decided never to take T, but instead to just get top surgery and live as male for the rest of his life, even if it meant never fully passing.

And, in my heart of hearts, is it terrible of me to hope that that is what he does? His gender is pretty fluid, even for him. I don't know. I honestly don't know how I will feel about being a lesbian in a straight relationship. I did that once already. I don't know if I can do it again.

So, yeah. I came here hoping to communicate with others dealing with similar issues. I know I got into this knowing everything from the beginning. And I do absolutely support whatever it is he chooses. But I also know that I will have limitations within myself.

I guess I am just having a fairly mild panic. And I'm hoping someone can offer me some sage words and comfort.

Thanks! And cheers!

My wife is a straight woman yet I am not a man. I worry about this sometimes too. We don't know where the line is for her yet as we move a long I am heading towards this line. So far the line seems to be moving to accomodate what we have, we have gone way past the original mark. We share a great love and she calls herself a nicksexual. I think most people are more flexible than they realise.

It sounds to me like you are worrying about things you can not predict. This is a new relationship with someone you did not expect to fall for. It is uncharted territory. It sounds like you really love this person, and while you are probably still adjusting to them, you care and love and are attracted to them. Realisticly it is not your typical 'straight' relationship so perhaps you should not use that as a yard stick.

My advice is to enjoy what you have now, enjoy the love you have for each other. Take baby steps, see how things go. It already sounds like you are good at communicating with each other. I think that is the best you can do. It sounds lovely. You can still identify as a lesbian, just broaden it to include this person. You can't waste love or use it up.

Thanks Nicky!

And I think you are probably right on two counts. One, I need to just enjoy it and take it one day at a time. And two. I have a very dear friend who has been active in the queer community for years, she's almost an icon. She knows pretty much everyone. She identified as lesbian for FOREVER. Then she met her current husband, one of my best friends. They are now married and have a child. She refers to herself as...well, to protect their privacy, let's call him Patrick. So she refers to herself as Patricksexual.

So I think I totally get what your wife is saying.

And my boyfriend is probably one of the most incredible individuals I have ever met. He just called to tell me he is driving up to take me to dinner and stay the night, even though it means he has to get up redunculously early to be back at class in the morning. So sweet!

Women in my experiance tend to be sexually fluid. and honestly does it MATTER what sex he chooses?

And maybe you do have some issues with it... The "lesbian" card tends to become part of the women it is attached to... You can feel like you are losing your security blanket, but letting go and just lviing life and taking , as nicky said, babysteps You will find comfort.

If you love him you love him and yeah it may be difficult to explain... my quick fix for any questions... "He's my acception "

Thanks, kiss.

I finally talked to him about my fears. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't love him, and that I didn't have any issues with who he is or supporting him in any way. I explained that it was my issue, and that I was concerned because it felt disrespectful to him and what he is going through. He thanked me for telling him, and told me that although he also felt it was disrespectful to him, I was of course allowed to feel the way I feel, and he would deal with it.

A few days later he told me he had been thinking about what we talked about a lot. He said that he recognized how difficult it could be to get to that place where you are proud and happy to be queer and out. And he said that he is, always has been, and probably always would be, attracted to queer women. And so he didn't want me to give up my identity to support his. He said he would lead it up to my discretion, who to out him to and when. He doesn't want me to lose who I am in my endeavors to support him becoming who he is. So he'll be a straight guy who happens to be with a lesbian, if I can be a dyke who happens to be with a guy. And that we could both be perfectly happy in our queer/straight relationship.

I want to say thank you again. I wouldn't have been able to talk to him about it, and communicate clearly enough what I was feeling, if I hadn't come to Susan's and gotten the feedback and information that I did.

Here's to you all!