It doesn't matter what road you are on, where you are headed, or how long your journey has been..... here's my question?

Looking back at the fantasies that you had before starting transition, are you actually living them? Do they matter to you any more or do they hold more significance than ever?

Cindi

I guess I'm living them, but I don't see it that way.   I just lead a fairly uneventful life, but I'm content.

My only fantasy was that I'd look male and people would see that.  And they do.  I'm still working on believing it myself, but it's still early.

Basically I just live life as before, but without the depression and angst.


Jay

When I was only 7 or 8, I wanted to be the only person in the world so that I could go to the department stores and get all the clothes I wanted and wear them in peace.

I'm glad that didn't happen.

When I was a teen, I had these dreams standing on a flight deck of some sort of space station as a GG and I was wearing a pure white outfit with very short skirt and swank white pumps. (before BG FWIW... they stole my idea!)

I wish that HAD happened. 

Sexually, I had absolutely no expectations or fantasies..... weird I tell you.... weird.

Cindi

I never thought that my parents would accept me or that I could ever manage to get on HRT

Well, those both turned out false, and I'm in a pretty content place right now.

All that's really left is an eventual fulltime, but that's still a little scary to fathom still. . . so one day at a time :p

Let's see...

Voice lowering, that's cool.

Muscles increasing, I always wanted to be "knobby" and male, it's happening.

Little Alex growing, love that!

My smell's changed, no more luscious female smale, I no longer find my own smell a turn-on. And my pee stinks. But that's to be expected and it may make me more attractive to females of course, and of course they'll smell WONDERFUL to me.

My jaw's gotten more square, I love that.

Eyebrows thicker, they needed that.

I'm more "interested" esp. in the morning, so a little attention to that has become part of my morning routine.

Shaving is necessary, the bristles are itchy and I always fiddle with them, can't say shaving is fun but it's kind of cool having the ability to grow a moustache etc if I want to, even if not using that ability right now.

I'm more emotionally even.

All in all I'd say it's been great!

When I was young, I only felt trapped by a cruel trick of nature and there was no hope for anything. It was the 1950/60's and nobody knew anything about any of this - I was mentally ill, delusional - after all my body looked "normal" but didn't match my spirit. What's to dream about? There was no hope.

For awhile, in my teens, I lived part of a normal life, but only a part. When the possibility to transition and SRS became available in the early 70's, I had no dream except to escape from Hell which I did.

Of life after, all I could say is that I could never have known how wonderful it could be, how natural and easy, just how RIGHT it was for me.

all I can say is it has exceeded my expectations, or what I previously knew or thought was even possible. I guess I had no real fantasies about it, it was such a relief that I was willing to take whatever I could get.  Now I am in that content place where I am 110% convinced that transitioning, including going "all the way", is right for me, as Jane said. I always felt strongly female inside, but becoming moreso physically and emotionally makes me feel grounded now like nothing else ever could.

Quote from: Northern Jane on October 09, 2009, 02:53:48 PM
When I was young, I only felt trapped by a cruel trick of nature and there was no hope for anything. It was the 1950/60's and nobody knew anything about any of this - I was mentally ill, delusional - after all my body looked "normal" but didn't match my spirit. What's to dream about? There was no hope.

This.
That's exactly how I felt as a kid. There was nothing to look forward to. Growing up was my biggest nightmare. Spent my childhood terrified at every pending birthday. Everything was wrong and I was so profoundly displaced there was no point to anything.
Now I feel truly alive for the first time. I just wish I could've been alive as a child.

My fantasy was to live out my life as a woman.  I never really thought it would be possible, but here I am after a year.  I live and worked as a woman.  Anything that comes up I face as a woman.

I now am looking forward to my next step, Ochidectomy.  Ans maybe one day even SRS.


Janet

Quote from: Cindi Jones on October 09, 2009, 07:09:35 AM
When I was only 7 or 8, I wanted to be the only person in the world so that I could go to the department stores and get all the clothes I wanted and wear them in peace.

Me too, only I was allowed into the store alone to do what I wanted.  Everyone else was asleep or something.

Quote from: FairyGirl on October 09, 2009, 03:00:08 PM
all I can say is it has exceeded my expectations, or what I previously knew or thought was even possible.

I dreamed that I would somehow be transformed.  Instead I've found I've been unwrapped, like a special treasure that was thoroughly and heavily layered and coated to protect it.

I've had lots of fantasies about what it would be like.  I never expected it to be so ordinary and so wonderful.

- Kate

Quote from: Nero on October 09, 2009, 06:16:44 PM
There was nothing to look forward to. Growing up was my biggest nightmare.

I can relate to that.

I've spent most of my life filled with disgust, fear, defeat, and shame.

Transition (although only partially complete here) brought hope.

For the first time I feel like my life is my own. Mine to do with as I will, and I have a shot at making it something I want to live.

I only really had fantasies about my adult life when I was a very young child. I find myself turning into the man I thought I'd grow up to be, without intentionally trying, flaws and all (I wasn't perfect in my childhood fantasies!  ).

I suppose I am almost living my pre-transition fantasy. All I ever wanted was a normal man's life where I can be myself and live my own way - and that's exactly what I'm heading towards. Each transition step I take pulls me closer to it.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on October 09, 2009, 06:56:55 AMWhat's different in your life now?

As a post-op, I can function as a woman not only 'look' the part.

I'm just happier in general.  I was talking to my mom about this earlier this week actually.  She asked me why I've been doing so great in college and I didn't get very good grades in high school.  I told her it's because of transition.  In high school, I didn't know transition was possible, and I couldn't really see myself having a future.  Now I can envision myself in the future, and I feel like life is worth living.  I actually try now

I mean geeze Louise, I was "down" one week a month, emotionality, it was a lot worse before getting on T.

Quote from: Nero on October 09, 2009, 06:16:44 PM
This.
That's exactly how I felt as a kid. There was nothing to look forward to. Growing up was my biggest nightmare. Spent my childhood terrified at every pending birthday. Everything was wrong and I was so profoundly displaced there was no point to anything.
Now I feel truly alive for the first time. I just wish I could've been alive as a child.

I remember being 11 and we were doing a time capsule. All the girls were writing stories about their future children and future husbands. They were putting in locks of their hair and pictures of themselves with makeup. What I wanted to include was a baseball I'd thrown when I got mis-categorized (according to the wisdom of the times) as a boy and pitched a very successful season in hardball. Then they found out I was a "girl". So I got kicked from the league, but I kept the baseball. I should look for it now. I tossed it away when it wasn't allowed in the time capsule. I put a drawing in of me driving a racing car.

I got to be there when they opened the time capsule. It was sad. I remembered what I wanted to put in. The drawing was pretty cool though

Dennis

I'd have put in one of my Excellent jet plane drawings, the really cool 20mm projectile I'd talked my older bro out of, or something really cool I made out of wood. At about 11 I had this really cool design of a kite that I had a lot of success with, maybe I'd have put that in.

Utter happiness as opposed to anger, frustration & despair.