Hi all,
I've been debating posting this since last Friday, but I think it is the time to do so. Maybe...
Many of you at this point will recall that I share an apartment with my mom and that I have been terrified to come out to her, fear of the unknown (unknownaphobia?). I wanted to get it out in the open and get on with my life, but really did not want to hurt her and our relationship. She has had a very tough life and a lot of problems and pains. I had, until now, always been the stable, reliable, 'normal' one of my siblings.
I had pretty much decided that I would wait a while longer before telling her. I wanted to at least get a good enough job to support myself (in case I found myself having to move out) or both of us if that were a possibility. I also wanted to wait til I was closer to getting my HRT letters or after starting HRT, or wait till...
She is not in the best of health, even though she still works full time - the only one of her siblings that does, or needs to. I feel bad that I have been unemployed for the past 7 months, after being in school for 4 years. I am broke and feeling very incapable of finding a good graphic design job that I can support myself on. I have had a few companies express some interest in using me for projects, but they seem to have all dissipated into the ether. I have been collecting unemployment, but that hardly covers a fraction of the bills (I need to make nearly 4x what they are paying me, just to pay the bills).
'So, what does any of this have to do with your topic name?'Okay, okay, I'm getting there, just setting the scene and all.
Last week on my birthday (Tuesday 9/29) I had gone out for a walk on my own, for the first time en femme (I already written a post about that, so I won't elaborate on that). Later that evening my mom and I went for our normal evening walk. Well, it had been a couple of weeks since we had walked due to the rains and severe flooding that we had, blah, blah, blah. Okay, we went for this walk and near the end she was getting very slow and lethargic, she wasn't talking or responding to me and I was getting a bit nervous. We got back to the car and she got in and almost immediately fell asleep (she normally falls asleep quickly but not so fast). I figured she was just exhausted, she had been working a lot and had been very stressed, so I let her sleep. I had to stop for some groceries on the way home and left her to sleep in the car. After getting home, I tried waking her up and got little to no response. After calling to her a several times she slowly opened her eyes and they looked very empty and she wasn't moving anything else. She still wasn't responding to me and I kept talking to her and asking questions. She started to move her lips a little, like she was trying to talk, but nothing was coming out. I was starting to get scared at this point. It took several minutes for her to answer my questions and she indicated that she couldn't move, but refused to let me call a doctor or EMTs. I was thinking that she may have had a stroke or heart attack or something. She began to get things moving again and walked into the house and laid down on the couch. I left her to sleep a bit and get herself together. After an hour or two she seemed to be okay again and had some dinner. But, she was quite emotional while doing her work.
The next night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and surfing the web and attempting to track down some work and she was doing her work and getting quite upset. She was escalating in her frustration, crying, and started throwing things and getting really agitated. I had asked her what I could do to help her and she just yelled at me to go back and sit on the couch and leave her alone. She had never done this before. I was so upset and unsure of what was going on with her that I just went into my room, shut down the computer (never do that) and turned off the lights. I went into my closet and sat on the floor, where is was pitch dark and no sounds, and I cried my eyes out. I sat there crying off and on all night trying to figure out what was happening and what I was going to do about it. I had no idea what she was going through or feeling. I had no idea if she was sick, dying, suicidal, over-tired, pissed at me for being lazy, or what. I was scared and upset. I decided that I was going to write her a letter and come out to her, explain why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling and apologize for being such a loser.
After she went off to work, I turned on the computer and wrote out that letter. I told her that I was sorry for everything, I told her about my GID, I told her everything in that letter. I also wrote that I was going out to find some kind of job, didn't matter what, if I could I was going to find two or three jobs so that I would not have to come home. I also said that I would understand if she didn't ever want to see me again. I told her that I would not come home until she called and said it was okay. I also told her that I would be more than happy to answer any questions she may have and that I loved her and hoped that we could get through this.
I left the letter on the counter, packed up a couple bags of belongings, got dressed for the job search and walked out of the apartment not knowing if I would be back. I went to the unemployment office and talked to one of the women that I have been working with to find work and I told her that I was desperate and needed something, anything right away, I would clean toilets if it meant a job. I began balling my eyes out, I told her that my life was a complete mess, that I might be homeless, that I had been going to a therapist, that I had been suicidal, that I had no idea what to do. I have never been so upset in my life. She gave me a few referrals along with several lists of grief counselors, suicide hotlines, charity organizations, etc. I was so scared, so upset, so messed up, I had no idea what to do or what was going to happen. I'm sitting here now, still in tears.
I had thought of just going home and tearing up the letter, or rewriting it, but decided that there had to be a reason I wrote it the way I did and when I did. I have learned not to question my intuition, my instincts, so I left it. I went off to a bunch of places to fill out applications and hope to get some kind of job. I hadn't heard anything from my mom by 7pm and figured that I was going to have to find someplace to sleep for the night. I was planning to just sleep in my car in some parking lot somewhere. She did finally call about 8pm and asked if I was okay and did I want to come home and talk about this? I said I would be home shortly, if it was okay with her. We talked a little about it and she really didn't want to get to into the details of what all it meant. We have been planning on going out of town this weekend for a few days with friends of the family and she wanted to know if I still wanted to go. I did. And she told me she didn't want me to talk about this to the friends. I told her I had no intentions to. I told her I would let her read the book I had been reading (True Selves) and that it could explain things a whole lot better than I could. This was Thursday night. We have carried on pretty much the same as before and she doesn't want to talk about it, read about it, think about it until after we get back and after she gets things settled in her life.
So, at least the topic has been broached. She at least knows I have this problem, though she really doesn't understand what it means. I still have a place to live, though I don't know how much or how long she'll tolerate things. I still have no idea how she feels about it and neither does she. I will be meeting with my therapist next Thursday, so I will have a LOT to discuss with him, figure out where to go from here and what it all means.
I did get a phone call today about a job offer for a 3rd shift (11pm to 7am) dishwasher job that would pay almost as much as I'm making on unemployment. I really don't want to do the job, but it is the only job offer I have had in 7 months and it would get me out of the house and leave me time to still look for a couple more jobs. I figure if I can work 18-20 hours a day at the rate I would be making, I should take home (slightly) more than half of what I need to survive. There are still parts of my life that I absolutely HATE! I wish it could be better. But, gotta take what's given.
Well, that is about all I have for tonight. I will be out of town and unavailable Thursday through Sunday, so if you don't hear from me (HeatherRose, Janet and Nero
) don't worry, you don't need to send out the cavalry. I'm really doing okay right now. I hope things work out for the better soon, though.
Thank you for bearing with me, I love you all.
Deanna
