Hi,

This is my first post here. I'm a 18-year old male from Finland. I just realized that I may be transgendered a few months ago. I still can't say I'm 100% sure... But then again, I feel I can't honestly say that I'm not 100% sure...  Bah, sounds like I'd better find myself a therapist or something... 

I don't feel there's anything to gain in intoducing my background any further, so I'll just cut to the topic.

I had been growing my hair for a couple of months and went to my usual place to get a haircut on Friday. Well, I gave pretty strict instructions to just trim them to shape with as little shortening as possible. The result: Pretty damn short, clearly masculine cut.  Guess if I'll go to that hairdresser ever again.

Argh!  Just when I had spent a couple of months exploring and releasing my feminine side, I was back looking more like a guy than I had for maybe six months... In all honesty, I wasn't at all sure about being transgendered until now. But now, looking in the mirror and clearly seeing a guy there...    When I came home from the hairdresser's and saw myself in the mirror (I had my doubts already at the hairdresser's but it didn't look all that bad there) I just totally flipped. I slammed doors moving around the apartment, screamed, kicked a closet door so that it broke, accidentely tore a poster when I threw my bag at it (it's right beside my bed, and the bag just, well, hit the wall when it was suppoused to land on the bed)... I still live at home, so I was lucky my parents weren't home. I later explained that the door broke when I accidentally fell against it, and they haven't noticed the poster.

The good thing is, now I at least am sure about who I am, and who I am *not*. The bad thing is, this hair (or the lack thereof) remains here to remind me about the G.I.D. every single time I look in the mirror. When my hair was longer it was never this bad. Funny how how a seemingly small thing like this can make a big dirrerence...

Oh yeah, one more thing: there are no therepists specialiced in gender issues in this country... The treatment of transsexuals has been centralized to a two hospitals in the entire country and you have to get referred there by a doctor. Any doctor will do, so that's not going to be a problem, but travelling there for the appontments means telling my parents... And I can tell you that *that* would lead to a disaster. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't understand. So, I'm stuck.

Well, this turned out be mostly whining about my situation, but I still have some specific advice to ask. So, how do you deal with the anger and depression when you look at the mirror and know the person staring back at you, however far from your true self, is who other people see you as? So, in a nutshell, how on earth am I suppoused to deal with the depression etc. when there is no one I could talk to who actually understands my situation. Well, maybe exept for you. I've been reading these forums almost daily for little over a month now, and the members here seem very supportive and understanding. 

Thanks for any help and sorry about my maybe a bit unclear English.  It may be less than perfect at times and besides I'm horrible at explaining things anyway. 

What country are you from?

And how old are you?

I know those sound like stalkerish kinds of questions, but I swear to god I'm not interested in that. I mean, if you are over 18, you can move out, I think.

Hi SilverShadow,

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My Daddy always said the difference between a bad hair cut and a good one is three weeks.  Hopefully it isn't to short.  I have about 6 more months to go before I even see the inside of a beauty shop.

Blessed Be.
Janet

I can relate sort of on the haircut thing -- I went to get mine 'trimmed' ~2 months after starting to grow it out... they took off more than I wanted.  So now it's been 9-10 months since I've gotten a haircut at all and it looks a bit crazy sometimes, but I'm resistant to getting it cut again and being upset with the result.

As for managing anger/depression, it can be really helpful to read some of the stories on this forum, look at before and after pics in FFS threads or such.  It really is a long-term process and if you can develop a (realistic) vision of how you want to look, every small step towards getting there goes along way toward warding of depression.  It's been a year for me and I'm not on HRT yet, but I already feel better about things, even if there's still a lot I wish were different about me.

Quote from: Heartwood on October 11, 2009, 06:20:41 PM
What country are you from?

And how old are you?

I know those sound like stalkerish kinds of questions, but I swear to god I'm not interested in that. I mean, if you are over 18, you can move out, I think.

As I wrote in the beginning of my first post, I'm 18 years old amd I'm from Finland. I'd like to avoid the moving-out-because-of-GID-scenario if possible. I'd like to keep my relations with my parents as good as possible. And purely financially thinking, that's not an option anyway.

Now that I'm writing a reply anyway I could actually expand a little on how it all actually came to this. It's a bit strange, actually. I've for my entire life felt a little "different" in a way I haven't been been able to explain. In fact I can't even remember how I first came to think about this thing... Seeing how most transpeople seem have known their entire lives that they should've been born as members the opposite sex, I find my own position a little strange. And cofusing. Realizing this whole thing has been so quick for me that I still have trouble believing this is real. Actually, before the failed haircut, I wasn't at all sure about this. Now I am. I identify as female, period. Well, actually, having my identity change so quickly and still being so sure about it beign real makes all this just more confusing...

Well, it's almost three o'clock at night here. I'll better go to sleep.

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:40:54 PM
As I wrote in the beginning of my first post, I'm 18 years old amd I'm from Finland.

Oops, sorry.

EDIT: OMG, my post count is 666! Awesome!

Although I feel less alone, & am surprised at how many people have to fight through the same confusion in different ways that I did, I still hate to see the pain you have to go through. When I first strarted to seriously transition around 2000, the ts forums I found insisted on meeting certain parameters before you were a "true ts". I would advise you to focus on who, rather what are. I don't believe in any absolutes in the gender spectrum. As far as we are behind & have to go in this   area, there is more momentem & reasons for hope than just a few yrs ago. The saddest part is how "the world's lone super power" drags its' feet on ts/tg issues. It is shameful, I love my country & beleive that we should be leading the way, but we're not.

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:40:54 PM
Seeing how most transpeople seem have known their entire lives that they should've been born as members the opposite sex, I find my own position a little strange. And cofusing.

For me, it was something like an epiphany. I knew I was female, but I never realized I knew. Looking back at my childhood, what little of it I can remember, I can find dozens of examples where if you could have seen into my mind then, you could say about my situation today "wow you really should have seen it coming...".

I would sort of think "I'm female.... but this is my body and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I'll just have to live this way". I never thought about it too directly, but it was there.

Then for some reason it all just came into focus, I don't know why then, I was stressed out, I'd read something about a young transwoman on the news a month or so prior, and it's like a combination of things came together to lit a fuse which about a month later led to it all coming into clarity. The clarity of it was like opening a Pandora's box, now that I know, I can't cope with pretending I'm a guy anymore, I can't cope with feeling like a prisoner in my mind, a person that exists only as me but nowhere in the world. The only thing that keeps me from becoming suicidally depressed again is the hope that things can change.

So when you say that most transpeople have always known, for me anyway, I always knew, I just didn't realize.

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:10:33 PM
Oh yeah, one more thing: there are no therepists specialiced in gender issues in this country... The treatment of transsexuals has been centralized to a two hospitals in the entire country and you have to get referred there by a doctor. Any doctor will do, so that's not going to be a problem, but travelling there for the appontments means telling my parents... And I can tell you that *that* would lead to a disaster. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't understand. So, I'm stuck.

I'm pretty much exactly where you are, cept 3 or 4 months later.

Its become my experience that often enough it's much better to find someone who knows nothing. People who think they're specialists often have a tendency to think they know everything, that they know your condition better than you do despite them having never experienced it for themselves, and you having experienced in a way that you couldn't possibly describe accurately no matter how hard you tried.

Right now my best hope is my doctor, not a specialist in transgender issues by any means, but at least acknowledges that she doesn't know anything, that this is a learning experience for her. The people I've seen who would call themselves "experienced" in transgender issues, have been nothing but unhelpful, arrogant, and misinformed.

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:10:33 PM
Well, this turned out be mostly whining about my situation, but I still have some specific advice to ask. So, how do you deal with the anger and depression when you look at the mirror and know the person staring back at you, however far from your true self, is who other people see you as? So, in a nutshell, how on earth am I suppoused to deal with the depression etc. when there is no one I could talk to who actually understands my situation. Well, maybe exept for you. I've been reading these forums almost daily for little over a month now, and the members here seem very supportive and understanding. 

Thanks for any help and sorry about my maybe a bit unclear English.  It may be less than perfect at times and besides I'm horrible at explaining things anyway. 

Hope is the only thing that keeps me going, the hope that it won't always be this way.

We only live a relatively short period of time, but we're dead for eternity, and we're going to get there eventually anyway. So the way I see it, while there's still any hope, however small, that one day I could be free of this mental prison, I have to keep trying. I so desperately want to experience life like everyone else does, the good and the bad.

My advise to you would be to know who you are, and once you do, don't let anyone stand in your way.

That happened to me when I was first growing it long and I can relate to how you feel. Some hair stylists just don't listen to what you want and instead they just do what they think will look good on you.  It won't be long before it grows back. The bad experience that I had prompted me to be extra cautious. I'm now quite loyal to hair stylists once I find someone who listens and cuts it the way I want. I've had lots of fun with highlights and all kinds of fun styles that are borderline for what is acceptable for a male to wear around.

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:40:54 PM
...Now that I'm writing a reply anyway I could actually expand a little on how it all actually came to this. It's a bit strange, actually. I've for my entire life felt a little "different" in a way I haven't been been able to explain. In fact I can't even remember how I first came to think about this thing... Seeing how most transpeople seem have known their entire lives that they should've been born as members the opposite sex, I find my own position a little strange. And cofusing. Realizing this whole thing has been so quick for me that I still have trouble believing this is real. Actually, before the failed haircut, I wasn't at all sure about this. Now I am. I identify as female, period. Well, actually, having my identity change so quickly and still being so sure about it beign real makes all this just more confusing...

i figured out i was trans at 17.5 and was on hormones by 18 and top surgery at 18.5.  i never knew "i was supposed to be born as the opposite sex" until 17.5.  believe me, you can go your whole (short) life and then suddenly come to the realization that you are trans.

Thank you all for your replies so far.  It's amazing how much it helps when you can talk (or write) about these things to someone who understands, even if you can only do it on the Internet.

Quote from: asfsd4214 on October 11, 2009, 09:20:11 PM
For me, it was something like an epiphany. I knew I was female, but I never realized I knew. Looking back at my childhood, what little of it I can remember, I can find dozens of examples where if you could have seen into my mind then, you could say about my situation today "wow you really should have seen it coming...".

I would sort of think "I'm female.... but this is my body and there's nothing I can do to change it, so I'll just have to live this way". I never thought about it too directly, but it was there.

Then for some reason it all just came into focus, I don't know why then, I was stressed out, I'd read something about a young transwoman on the news a month or so prior, and it's like a combination of things came together to lit a fuse which about a month later led to it all coming into clarity. The clarity of it was like opening a Pandora's box, now that I know, I can't cope with pretending I'm a guy anymore, I can't cope with feeling like a prisoner in my mind, a person that exists only as me but nowhere in the world. The only thing that keeps me from becoming suicidally depressed again is the hope that things can change.

You described my feelings better than I ever could have myself. This is exactly how I feel.

Quote from: asfsd4214 on October 11, 2009, 09:20:11 PM
Its become my experience that often enough it's much better to find someone who knows nothing. People who think they're specialists often have a tendency to think they know everything, that they know your condition better than you do despite them having never experienced it for themselves, and you having experienced in a way that you couldn't possibly describe accurately no matter how hard you tried.

Right now my best hope is my doctor, not a specialist in transgender issues by any means, but at least acknowledges that she doesn't know anything, that this is a learning experience for her. The people I've seen who would call themselves "experienced" in transgender issues, have been nothing but unhelpful, arrogant, and misinformed.

Thanks for the heads-up. I've also read a few comments in some Finnish transgender forums that the therapists specialised in gender issues have been more of an additional problem, instead of a solution. Apparenty, they don't want (or, actually, are trained not to) encourage your view of yourself before you've proven that you really are transgendered. And talking to "normal" doctors, some other mental healtcare specialists etc. does seem like a good choise. Well, exept that I'd probably end up having to spend half my time educating the person who is supposed to be there to help *me*. 

Quote from: SilverShadow on October 11, 2009, 06:40:54 PMSeeing how most transpeople seem have known their entire lives that they should've been born as members the opposite sex, I find my own position a little strange. And cofusing.

That is just a myth.

Many, many of us haven't really "known" our whole lives. We had suspicions, lots of questions and confusion, and maybe felt we should have been the opposite sex, or weren't what we were supposed to be, and maybe even knew deep down.  That doesn't mean we really knew though. How much people know, how soon they figure it out, and how they deal with it is just as varied as there are people.

Some of us sort of knew, but still need something to prove it. For you it seems to be a haircut, for me it was a conversation.

First off, welcome to Susan's!

Wow, I am so sorry the hairdresser did that to you, that really really sucks. But it does sound that good news came from it, telling you what you are not and such. As Janet said....the saying of a difference between a good and bad cut is 3 weeks....once it grows a little, even if it is short, can you get it styled as a feminine short cut till it grows longer?

QuoteThanks for any help and sorry about my maybe a bit unclear English.  It may be less than perfect at times and besides I'm horrible at explaining things anyway. 

Nawww, your English is good! It's a lot better than some of my friend's English, and they are native speakers of it So your all good!

Quote from: findingreason on October 12, 2009, 03:00:31 PM
As Janet said....the saying of a difference between a good and bad cut is 3 weeks....once it grows a little, even if it is short, can you get it styled as a feminine short cut till it grows longer?

Well, since I'm totally in the closet right now, a clearly feminine cut not really an option... I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get my hairstyle back to being as androgyn-ish as it was before this whole thing by the end on the month. But in the end, it seems thus whole incident caused more good than bad: I do have to wait for up to a month to get my hair back to the way I like it (or bear to look at it), but at least now I'm far more certain about my gender identity and I know that sooner or later I'll do what it takes to become the person girl I really am. The wonderful (and as you all probably agree, at times horrible) journey of transitioning has begun... (In a way at least. Recognizing a problem *is* the first step towards correcting it, right? )

I'm glad to hear your getting the good out of it .

Even if it is more fem, when I first got mine done, it wasn't really that big of a deal for others. Sure, they wondered a little, but it wasn't a major issue. And I lived in a fairly conservative area too. I know it's scary at first, cause believe me, it took all my courage to do it, but it paid off . So I'm here in your ring whenever you feel ready to move forward, and if ever wanna PM me feel welcome to

Quote from: findingreason on October 12, 2009, 04:17:25 PM
So I'm here in your ring whenever you feel ready to move forward, and if ever wanna PM me feel welcome to

Thanks a lot. I'll keep your offer in mind.