Um, I am probably alone in my thoughts with this but for those of you who have a body that is better aligned has it really truly made a difference in your outlook on life? Do you WANT to be alive say 10 years from now? ... I ask because I just noticed that why I don't think of the future is because frankly I do not want to be alive in it.


I suppose this is just another way of asking what Kate did in her "Did transitioning cure your dysphoria?" thread. ... Meh. I just want to know if the WANT to live has returned... if the fire for life has been relit, that sort of thing. ... I am so tired of being a walking corpse. ... I mean I am better now than I was when I was pretending to be a guy. But I am no where near finding happiness/peace yet. Hence the inquiry;

Kimberly

Firstly, you are not alone...despite being 4 years post op, for the majority of those years I have not thought about the future and indeed, if I would continue to have a future.

My life , although better than that of the "guy" was turning into a mirror image of "his "life and that thoroughly depressed me.

I agree with you, mind and body had been aligned, but something was missing, that spark, that Joie de vie of life. That changed about 6 months ago after a frank and open discussion with my girlfriends, which resulted in my letting go of the emotional baggage in my life and starting to behave more emotionally like "Rebecca"... the woman.

No sitting in alone, watching tele, no working all hours of the day (yep.. the guy did that), no dressing conservatively.... I decided that to enjoy life, I had to go find it (It was never going to burst into my living room and embrace me).

Joined a single womans club, joined a gym (OK not everyones choice), started going out more with friends, started dating!... AND I actually enjoy these things, yep... Rebecca has a sociable side, the guy didn't!

The corpse has walked off leaving me to enjoy life and I am going to give it a chance.

Becky

PS... Besides, I have 2 sons I haven't seen in 6 years now, the future will only be complete when I can hold them once again in my arms. Until that time the world is stuck with me.

My outlook changed  when I was finally free to move forward.  I had a setback when I felt like I ran into a roadblock.  I had moved from Utah to California and twice in CA to reestablish myself.  My old church kept sending people to my home, sending me letters of condemnation, calling.... even after they had thrown me out before I left.  I had also just had a business trip that was terribly unsuccessful and I knew that I had no future with that job. I felt stuck.  I felt that I could not move forward.  And, here is the big thing.  I hadn't had any contact with supportive friends for several days.  So I stopped at a couple of drug stores on my way home from the airport.  I'll not delve into any more details, you can read the book if you are interested.... but I'm still here.  I moved on from that point knowing that I would never have those same feelings again.  And I never have. 

I had GRS sometime later.  I still had the same old job.  And they had found out about the surgery from the insurance company or some other source.  It was a miserable situation.  But although it pulled me down, it did not keep me from looking ahead.

I did hang gliding for a while because it produced a thrill like I have never felt in my life.  But after a couple of years, I realized that I could die doing that.  I sold the kite and started backbacking and peak climbing to get a natural high.

The key for me has been to keep busy, have an interesting hobby or project to work on, and some program where I am improving myself in some way.  And most of all, lean on friends when I have a thought of getting depressed.  They don't have to know about it, I just call, or write, or visit.

Most of us will be depressed or be inclined to depression all of our lives. In addition to the GID, depression runs in my family.  I did take medication at times during the past few years but I have tried not to take it if I don't need it.  I haven't taken it for the past 6 years now. 

I don't know how long I will live.  I have some medical problems that are not fun. They have partially disabled me.  I sometimes think that it won't be long if my body continues to degrade at its current rate.  But... Death and I have an agreement. I've told him that I'll put my dog on his heels if he comes knocking at my door!  So for now, he is held at bay. I want to die doing something I love and not in bed.  So I keep pushing myself and do as much as I can with every minute of the day. And at this time in my life, I have never felt so much alive and worth living.

So the bottom line?  Life is good.  Keep the faith Kimberly.  Find a reason to live.  You are making progress and that should help you see the road ahead. Find something cool to do.  Chin up and all of that. 

Cindi

It makes a difference...

To me it made life more bearable I still get those thoughts as you do about not wanting to be here in the future ...i welcome death whenever it may grace my door step...but lets just say im not inviting the man over for dinner.

However no matter how much I transition or how "REAL" everyone may perceive me I still always see the "boy" that I was when I stare to long into the mirror...ITs sorta like a catch 22 but then again so is everything else in life.

Quote from: Kimberly on September 07, 2006, 06:28:58 AM
Um, I am probably alone in my thoughts with this but for those of you who have a body that is better aligned has it really truly made a difference in your outlook on life? Do you WANT to be alive say 10 years from now? ... I ask because I just noticed that why I don't think of the future is because frankly I do not want to be alive in it.

Awl...

(HUGS)

I think what you have to ask yourself is... how much of this emptiness and dispair is a direct result of the GID? Perhaps you don't know... things do tend to get all tangled up. And I'm betting that solving the distraction of GID makes it easier to tackle nagging, unrelated problems as well.

QuoteMeh. I just want to know if the WANT to live has returned... if the fire for life has been relit, that sort of thing

Ya know, methinks that's something we ALL have to relight every morning, in whatever way we can. For me, it's always been keeping The Mystery alive, *not* knowing things, unlearning, being continuously aware of the fact that I don't have a CLUE as to what's "really" going on - and being OK with that. I've often said that I feel like I'm pushing the wrong way down an up escalator... everyone else is trying to learn their way up into heaven, and I'm frantically throwing off the facts before they can stick to me, trying to get down and feel the cool, moist earth below.... the rain on my face. God help me, but I DO love it here... pain, angst, GID, dispair and all.

Kimberly, I know what you are feeling. Before I had denial in my head and now I don't.  When I came to truth about my denial I wanted to live more. I was suicidal at that time and now I'm not. I love the world around me and I feel way more relaxed. Once I had the surgery and I know it is different to others, but once the surgery was done there was a great relief like a ton of bricks were unloaded from my shoulders. I know people see me as a transsexual, some do and some don't, but I don't care, it is me that I care about and not this other person. I'm happy who I am. To me this was immediate, upon waking up from surgery and knowing that piece of me was gone. My wife said that I had asked her if there was anything there and she said no and then I went back to sleep and she told me that I was very happy when I fell back to sleep.
Sheila

Thank you kindly.

Quote from: Sheila on September 07, 2006, 12:50:50 PM
then I went back to sleep and she told me that I was very happy when I fell back to sleep.

The irony is that you were very happy because you had finally awoken.

Melissa

Melissa, no, not that I had finally awaken but that I awoke without that awful thing between my legs. I had already knew and had total grasp on who I was. Just like you are now. You know who you are and you don't need surgery to feel that. I felt total, whole the way I should have been born. I felt complete.
Sheila

Quote from: Kate on September 07, 2006, 10:21:07 AM
I've often said that I feel like I'm pushing the wrong way down an up escalator... everyone else is trying to learn their way up into heaven, and I'm frantically throwing off the facts before they can stick to me, trying to get down and feel the cool, moist earth below.... the rain on my face. God help me, but I DO love it here... pain, angst, GID, dispair and all.

Kate, you are a peach.  No one has said anything so profound in a long time around here.  I'm glad you are here with us.

Cindi

Quote from: Sheila on September 07, 2006, 09:43:06 PM
Melissa, no, not that I had finally awaken but that I awoke without that awful thing between my legs. I had already knew and had total grasp on who I was. Just like you are now. You know who you are and you don't need surgery to feel that. I felt total, whole the way I should have been born. I felt complete.
Sheila

I was being philosophical Sheila.

Melissa

I want to live forever.  I want a ringside seat at the end of the universe, riding the big crunch the way Slim Pickens rode the nuke in Dr Strangelove.

So I'm going to keep going any way I can -- just from now on doing stuff from a female perspective.

Karen