ok so this entry might be a little long. The decision to transition was really a decision at all it was inevitable for me. During the process though i ve discovered some in sights into my soul that i needed to work out and id like the forums thoughts and opinions if they care to share with me. So first a little background i am 42 i work in law enforcement, corrections side of the house a yper masculine type of emplyment. I am married with 4 children 3 of which are grown 1 still ives at home.
When i decided i had to transition to keep my sanity and finally live my life i at first an until recently thought i would basically drop a note on my wife explain what was happening and then leave the state for my home state of indiana. Then i realized that this was a cowards way of dealing with my reality. now i think im going to transition in place and hope i keep my job. why the change, i want to give my children the chance to accept me for who i really am and if i flee i rob them of that opertunity.
Passing is an issue for me and what i mean by passing is that i will basically look female i am not trying to stealth for any reason and that is because a. i have to much male bagage and b. i want to be an activist for the glbt here in denver this expierence has really opened my eyes to some unfair and even un ethical issues that trans men and women face every day. i realize i couldnt possibly speak for everyone as an activist but if i can help in anyway make the transition smoother for even one of us then i would feel i given back to the community that helped me when i needed it the most
so i have started a journal to help with my thoughts and i will be doing some video blogging on u tube once i start on hrt. in fact i may post one brfore then if i get the chance just so everyone can meet me. the issues im working on today is im going shopping i need to buy some girl cloths that will work for me in my current stage of transition and getting more work done at the electrolysis office
i am set to jump through some hoops that i think are wrong to impose on our community in order to get the hrt i need from my gp and i have posted elsewhere on that issue i also want to thank maghan and chrissy who are an inspiration to me to keep on being true to myself.
jessica

Jesse

Thats Amazing....You Rock Girl !

That has got to be a 180 turnabout on where you have been the last couple of days...

...but it's so courageous I'm proud of you honey....Not because it sounds crazy...but because I believe it could actually work well for you ! 

..Just makes me feel all the more, that I should get my baggage in order...

Just a few reminders....

You will be tempted to go all out, but please just stop to catch your breath.... and do a little planning to make sure this all goes as well as possible at work and at home...

Like we keep saying, we have had a lifetime to work this out, be ready to give you family some time to do the same... Some really good advice I was once given that really seems to work is...always give your wife the first 30 minutes of conversation each day, before you try to tell her what you did or how you feel... I think the same applies in these situations...

Do a google search for any similar cases in your enforcement department/division/state, any previous case could really help your case..

Remember your wife will be worried about losing both you, and her families security...any reassurances you can find will be worth their weight in gold..

Try to find to a counsellor/therapist to talk this through before you do it...and maybe together after...

Contact your federation/union for advice and support, get a carefully worded letter to your personnel department written, check out our coming out suggestions (I'm sure you have)...etc..etc..

...but after all that, I suspect your GP will have a rather different attitude to your HRT..

...and how I can be inspiration to anyone, I really don't know...but thanks anyway ! 

*BIG HUG* 

Chrissty

Many come to point of 'make or break'.  And it sounds like you have come to that point.  Family is always the toughest to deal with.  Hopefully your wife is understanding and will help with your transition.  Even your grown children can help simply be being in your corner.

Being in law enforcement, you should do research into how your branch handles transitioning Transpeople.  The state may even have laws to protect you.  And they may even have procedures in place.

I wish you the best in your journey, and maybe you will inspire others to step forward and transition also.  All the baggage we have collected on the way will eventuality work out, whether for good or bad.  That is a roll of the dice as there are too many variables to take in to consideration.

I think most of us regardless how much we plan, just dive in and hope for the best.  When I started I knew that I could lose everything I loved, but in the end it was my happiness and contentment that mattered.  I lived too long trying to be what I thought others want me to be.  I am happy with my life now, even though it is not the best.  But it is now MY LIFE, and welcome to it.

I will look forward to hearing how you proceed.


Janet

small victory today i wore female low rise jeans to work. For some strange reason i thought everyone would notice with the smaller pockets and female cut to the legs and hips. Nobody did or at least nobody said anything to me or within earshot of me lol. this was a tremendous boost to my mood and i was full of smiles the whole day.. sometimes life is good....
jessica

Maybe they just thought you had finally found a pair of jeans that fitted propely! 



Chrissty

ok maybe im getting braver or stupid lol ive started wearing make-up not a lot mind you in fact just concealer to work ive been looking at videos trying t learn how to use it since i dont have a gg to show me and my wife who finally is aware wants no part of it. im toying with the idea of clear fingernail polish and lip gloss and may try to use foundation next...this is a small baby step for me but a huge comfort as well.
jessica

Quote from: jesse on October 21, 2009, 02:37:41 AM
ok maybe im getting braver or stupid lol ive started wearing make-up not a lot mind you in fact just concealer to work ive been looking at videos trying t learn how to use it since i dont have a gg to show me and my wife who finally is aware wants no part of it. im toying with the idea of clear fingernail polish and lip gloss and may try to use foundation next...this is a small baby step for me but a huge comfort as well.
jessica

I really don't want to sound negative about this, particularly as you have made some bold steps recently honey, but...

...the things you are talking about here are relatively easy to do, and until you have found out more about where you stand and what protections exist within your job, I would be very careful. 

So often our subconscious leads us to take this path, in the hope that something gets noticed and allows some self expression, but you can very easily loose control of your destiny to others around you if you don't get the backing you need first.

I know...who an I to talk?..

..but I care for you, from our discussions.... and I just think a little restraint would go a long way until you kow where you stand with your union/federation/personnel. (If you do already then I apologise).

I'm pretty sure you know how important it is to follow procedure in law enforcement, and procedure is what should offer you the protection you need to move on..

I hope things work out with you wife and family, this is still very early days for her..



Chrissty

Jessica, I really wish you well.

In the beginning, most if not all of us want to do small things so that people will notice and do the work of our coming out.  "Oh, George, I notice you're wearing nail polish.  Isn't that wonderful you can express your femininity like that."  Usually it doesn't work like that.

TAKE CONTROL OF THE PROCESS.  Come out to those you need to come out to.  Face-to-face is best.  This is something you need to do to become whole; this isn't something they need to do to let you learn how to be yourself.  It is hard.  It can be very hard.  But if you can control the process, do things at your own pace, prepare yourself for the questions when they come, you will find that your transition is easier and less likely to blow up in your face.

Just my 2¢.

(BTW I recently had to get fingerprinted.  I went to the detention center.  The female deputy asked if the name on the card was my maiden name.  I explained that I am transsexual and had a different first name before.  She treated me exactly the same as she had before I told her that, perhaps even a little friendlier.   You don't know until you try people.  But the point is that you are doing it.)

Good luck, Jesse.

- Kate

point taken kate and chrissy i will proceed at a slower pace i realize that just because i veiw myself as a woman dosnt mean that everyone else will. nor do they have to accept it. i just wanted to fell normal for a little while hugs chrissy i value your oppinion very much so if im doing something stupid please dont hesitate to say so
hugs jessica

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Post Merge: October 27, 2009, 03:56:18 AM

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ok tody was horrid it was GID overload i am in the process of restructuring the family finances and one of the things im doing is getting rid of my old car. Taking public transportation for a while to save money. Here i am cleaning out my car trying to figure out what i need to carry with me in a pack on the bus. ive been keeping the small amount of makeup that i have in my backpack in the car, anyways as im packing i start thinking about the things im doing and my thoughts go towards the family and im like what the f... are you doing. Am i seriously thinking about tearing my family apart over this. My wife knows about my issues and has taken the stand that if i procede with this we are threw. i can accept this i dont know if i can accept hurting my baby over it she is 5 my last child my other kids are grown.
So then i start thinking about tossing the lip gloss im holding out the window and i cant do that either my mind wouldnt let me....i simply cant. so what do i do next i start to cry. This is horrible no person should have to go threw this. im litterly frozen in my car i dont know what to do and i start thinking about putting my Glock in my mouth and pulling the ->-bleeped-<-ing trigger. after what seamed like hours i drive away and dont go home as im driving i think about just keep driving and not look back but i know in my heart thats a death sentance as well because i will have no one then. i find my self at a book store looking at fashion mags and fitness books for females. i dont think i can do this much longer
if i cant pass this test i might just pull the trigger 
jessica