Hey

Ok My Thoughts Here (Sorry really long, can understand I you dont want to read it, but thanks if you do!)


Ok little embrassing thing to say the first thing

Im 21 and am a virgin and never had a date!

---------------
Latley
Last Six months or more
but has ALOT much worse from the weekend, before I was just able to get on with it and not think about it
not thinking about it, sorted that out

but what was said to me from the while I was visting my dads (Seperatered from my mum and has a women) And the women said something that was from the paper 'That too many teenages spend too much time on their computers' My sister and her then looked at me, and said yer we think we know who does that that dont we'

This is what has really pi**ed me off and sadly got me thinking and depressed like I am

Got me thinking that I am really lonely

Only have really three collages from work that I would go out with, which they never invite me out with them, or when I try try to ask them they say they are busy. So they know that I want to go out with them, but still never invite. Ok I would take me about an hour to go to their town has I dont drive, but even so they could offer a lift sometimes back and there.

Even when it comes to for example holidays and even for example the michael jackson tickets, or the captial ball tickets (Told them that I wanted to go to these, but still didnt book an etra tocket for me), or anything else . So In the amount of time I have worked there, your be luckly if I have been out just with them about 9 or 10 times I think, and I have been working there for about 4 to 5 years. Seems one of them latley too doesnt reply to my text eithier.
so basiclly these friends I wouldnt really call true friends

So to class up everything

- I dont have any really true mates
- Loney
- Depressed
- Dont have confidence
- Think I look horrible
- Dont really like myself

Now when I got depressed somehow (Dont know how) I throught maybe I may be transsexual

Some things I thought

- When I was young I played with my sister, I believe I played stuff like polly pocket and her dolls with her? is this normal, or just what a brother would do for her sister?

- Cant extually remember my childhood, tried to forgot it to be honest, brother was always horrible to me, even pushed me down the stairs and punched me in the head, would this have anything to do with it? I seem to remember my media studies teacher saying about my lack of confidence and somehow the talk ended up about my brother being nasty to be and she seemed to think that may be part of the problem

- Never likied to play play football or any pe activitys during school (about the only one I liked was badminition), always on pursure forgot my pe kit and even if that meant getting a detention

- Never really fit in during school, didnt have many mates and not many people seemed to like me (Well I think that) Mates I had I lost, my old best guy friend turned weird and really goth and started to hang with weirdos, and has alot of intrests I dont like now, like the anime cartoons, plus if I hanged with him, it meant I had to hang with his mates, witch I knew know of them and they were also the weirdo goths, and even they said I didnt talk and is very quite. So after a while I stopped seeing my best mate, because I felt ay too unconfoatable hanging with his mates has well (Didnt feel that conforable with him at the best of the times, has he now had different intrests)

He went to college, which I believed where he met all these mates, makes me think I should have went to college instead stright into an apprentship to gain more friends if I could, has I said I didnt have many, but still reckon I would have trouble, has I had five years in school to make lots of friends which didnt seem to happen.

Did lso have another fairly good friend but he also hanged about with someone I didnt like, which I saw he didnt like me at the time, which the theroy proved in the end. Everytime I called that mate he came with the person I didnt like, didnt didnt happend at the start because he moved from my side of the town to the village which meant where he was, so before when I called him, he came by his self. Also even when I just with him, sometimes even I didnt like that, has he brought the football out, which I didnt want to play with has I didnt like to play football. The theory of that boy I didnt like came true when he smashed our door window and drove away in his mates car) So I had to stop seeing the fairly good mate has well, because the perosn I didnt like made him to stuff, like he made him make the prank calls that happended not too long before the window got smashed.

- Dint really even talk to any girls eithier, there was two I little, but one had a boyfriend already and I didnt know what to say to them really (Again probley due to my lack of confidence and that I thought that I was no good for them.

- Never was really intrested in the boys toys, ie action man, fake plastic guns, think I only like the lego out of all the boys stuff

- Like to take sometimes take my sisters cloths (without anyone or her knowing) out the washing bin and wear them in the bathroom that is locked ofcourse for a few minutes wishing I could be a girl, havent dont it that many times, fault I may have been just a thing (Cant do it now even if I did want to, for somereason I dont see much of her cloths in there anymore,Only the bras and underwear most of the time) So not be able to test that out for a while. Also when I did use to do this is use to sometimes (please dont laugh, its embrassing enjough to say this) I mastarbate with the cloths on and imagine myself turing into a women and have intercourse with another woman) Ok Im told a little lie, when I go into the shower very latley (this week) I like to put her bar and underwear on (Only things in there, otherwise I would imagine it may be more on) for a few minutes and mastarbate again thnking the same think without the intercorse bit with the other women has I dont last that long before it comes out any more. (Sorry if im going too far)

- Even today when I went to the mall I was loking at the the girls when I passed them, wishing I could be them

- Or is this just a thing, because I thought I may be a transexual this week (The mall and wearing the bars and underwear this week?)


Thinking maybe if I was a women I would be more confident and maybe fit in more?
I put the same post on another two forums for good measures

Dont know if I have explained myself decent, has im not a great writer

Think thats it, if you managed to read this, anything comments would be great, way confussed at the momment, any help would be good

You might be more comfortable if you were a woman if you were transsexual.
I don't know you well enough to tell you you are but what your describing seems like autogynephillia for the most part. I think you should work on your social skills before thinking about transition if you are this depressed. You might be you, but it will NOT solve all of your problems.

Haha, I'm a weirdo Goth! Muhahahahaha! Boo! 

Anyway, to answer:

Only you can really know if you're transsexual, and talking with a counselor might also help you discover if you are or not. -- sorry of that sound cliche, but it's true.

Also, you might also fit under other parts of the transgender umbrella, like you could be a cross-dresser, for instance. (Nothing wrong with that)

I should also mention that being a girl isn't easy, especially being a woman in transition. It's not a magical fix and transitioning doesn't equal instant popularity. It's a difficult road, and you can find that you'll be just as lonely as before. I'm not trying to scare you, but only tell you how it is.

Take a look at some other posts and see what people go through with transition. It's not easy. But we do it because that's who we are, and we get to the point of willing to give up everything -- careers, friends, family -- to be who we are. It's tough, but it's also rewarding in another way 'cause you're becoming who you are.

I think going to a counselor can help you, not only for the transgender thing but also for other things going on in your world. The depression, for example.

I'm a strong believer that working on other issues helps you transition better, and be prepared to go through with it. Especially if you have depression.

Also, even after you transition, it doesn't mean that life will get any easier, that you won't have depression, and that you'll get lots of friends. It's still a difficult road. A woman's world isn't easy.

As for myself, I still get depression. I'm bipolar. Transition didn't fix that. I still have to take meds for that. I pulled all of my effort to be social and to have friends, even before I started to transition. I worked hard at it, 'cause I knew that having good, understanding friends would be a great asset to help me on my journey. I lost many family members, who now count me as dead and haven't talked to me in over 3 years.

But, on the positive side I'm more happier and confident over all because I am who I am, a woman, and I know that. I also think working hard my psychological problems helped me over all, and especially helped with my transition. It was a lot of work, but very rewarding mentally and socially.

Today, I'm a woman. I know who I am. I have lots of friends and enjoy a lot of activities. Life is great. I still have my ups and downs, and I still see my psychiatrist. But, over all, I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Transition, you see, is a lot more than just "becoming a woman," getting surgery (SRS/Sex Reassignment Surgery FFS/Facial Feminaiztion Surgery), taking hormones to change your body, and so on --- there's psychological aspects and social aspects as well.

But, even all beyond that, transition is essentially being who you are. That's is the very core of it all. All of the rest, the HRT (Hormones), surgeries, psychological, and social aspects... those are only tools to assist you, not the end-all-of-be-all. It's about being you!

Make Sense?

So, work on that. Work on being yourself, not becoming something, just be you. Do a lot of soul searching. See a counceller to work out your depression issues and any other issues you might have. You might be trans, or maybe not. What's most important is that you work on being who you are, and go from there.

I like to think of transition is a journey to self.

Good luck!

--Natalie

Hi Dave,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

First. Get a gender therapist.  They will help you figure out you.  Second, look deep within yourself for the answers, they are there.

Blessed Be.
Janet

Quote from: Kyle XD on October 28, 2009, 07:03:10 PM
You might be more comfortable if you were a woman if you were transsexual.
I don't know you well enough to tell you you are but what your describing seems like autogynephillia for the most part. I think you should work on your social skills before thinking about transition if you are this depressed. You might be you, but it will NOT solve all of your problems.

I don't believe in the quackery I consider " ->-bleeped-<-" to be. Especially not given the man who thought it up.

But I must admit it crossed my mind reading the post as well.

I'm going to preface what I'm about to say by stating that I do not know you, this is entirely a largely uninformed opinion and might be completely and totally wrong, and only you can truly "know" yourself and what's right for you.

But from my experiences, and the described experiences of others like me, I don't think you sound like a transsexual.

For me, my feelings of gender identity disorder are so incredibly deep. And it's not about boosting my confidence or improving my social skills, it's not really "about" anyone except myself. It wasn't just about "wanting" to be the "opposite sex", it was about feeling that my mind already was the opposite sex and that I was trapped on the other side with no way out. Being forced by what I thought was the right thing to do to live and act the way society expected. There was never really a time I can remember that I didn't feel that way.

For you it seems to be different. Like I said I don't know you and this is nothing but vague first impressions on my part, but if you don't feel like you know you were supposed to be female, I would think long and hard about what you want for yourself, and what kind of life would make you happy. At least that's what I did, and I was completely sure from the beginning about what I was supposed to be, my fears were all about if I could actually fix my situation.

If you're a "transexual" (excuse the excessive quotation marks, I'm not a fan of the terminology), then transition can be the difference between feeling normal in life, and life devoid of real fulfillment. At least that's how it feels for me. But if you're not a transexual, understand that some people have made the mistake of thinking they were due to other issues in their life, and deeply regretted the action they took to change their sex. What I'm saying is, you need to be sure, and unfortunately the only person who can tell you if this is right for you is you.

I haven't had good luck with therapists, but I know a lot of people had, so I would recommend you at least see one, see if it helps you sort out your confusion.

Good luck, if you have any further question's don't hesitate to ask. 

Hi Dave.  Welcome to Susan's.

I looked into transitioning many years ago but decided I needed to build my inner resources first - learn to make friends and how to be a friend, be fairly secure in my work and financial situations, try to get my head on straight - the usual stuff.

Counseling can help you work through your issues.  It sounds like you have quite a few (not so unusual).  There's a lot to do before you even consider starting to transition.  Transitioning may help you, but it may just add more problems.  That's why you need to work through these issues with a guide - a counselor - before you start.

Good luck, honey.

- Kate

Society in general forces us to live as the gender we are born with, or if they're a little more open, allow us to pick one or the other. I don't beleive you need to put anymore undue stress on yourself. There are many colors in a prism, & shades gray as well. You have the right to sort this out in any manner you choose in your head & in your heart, & if that means small steps, in any direction, please don't feel forced. But if you decide to trans, please do your homework & try to have a strategy instead of jumping off a cliff. Here's the best & most reliable source of info I've found; www.tsroadmap.com 

Thanks for your comments people 

Quote from: gothique11 on October 28, 2009, 07:26:14 PM
Haha, I'm a weirdo Goth! Muhahahahaha! Boo! 

Nope you look fine!     His bunch was well weird

Quote from: gothique11 on October 28, 2009, 07:26:14 PM

Only you can really know if you're transsexual, and talking with a counselor might also help you discover if you are or not. -- sorry of that sound cliche, but it's true.

Thought someone whould say that, suppose that would be the best step
and that is the first step (via GP) you need to go to intotransitioning, so would be a slight sight, if I am one

Quote from: gothique11 on October 28, 2009, 07:26:14 PM

Also, you might also fit under other parts of the transgender umbrella, like you could be a cross-dresser, for instance. (Nothing wrong with that)

I couldnt do that, I wouldnt like the looks I get off people, would have to do the full lot

Quote from: gothique11 on October 28, 2009, 07:26:14 PM

I'm a strong believer that working on other issues helps you transition better, and be prepared to go through with it. Especially if you have depression.

Also, even after you transition, it doesn't mean that life will get any easier, that you won't have depression, and that you'll get lots of friends. It's still a difficult road. A woman's world isn't easy.

As for myself, I still get depression. I'm bipolar. Transition didn't fix that. I still have to take meds for that. I pulled all of my effort to be social and to have friends, even before I started to transition. I worked hard at it, 'cause I knew that having good, understanding friends would be a great asset to help me on my journey. I lost many family members, who now count me as dead and haven't talked to me in over 3 years.

Well I found away to stop depressing over the few days, listen to music!
Stops me thinking about stuff that makes my depressed
But need to sort out the problem I have, has when I not listening to music, I will problery start getting a depressed again


So has everyone has/will say counciling is gonna be needed by the looks of it

Work on other issues first? It always sounds odd to me. If it's actually rooted in other issues and not trans then yes of course that's better to avoid. But if it's trans then how is trying to socialize, work, pile up more years of your life in the wrong gender going to help? When you can't be yourself? The very reason you need to do it has alot to do with being able to do those other normal things as yourself, because you can't do them well otherwise. And if it is a trans thing most of us know how much that effects the rest of your life. The depression is worse etc...

but everyone has their own way I guess.

I wonder how many here on this forum who say basically that you should know from the moment you're born that you're trans and never do anything weird in the bedroom other than curse your genitals actually didn't fit that criteria.

Quote from: mija on October 29, 2009, 04:48:27 AM
Work on other issues first? It always sounds odd to me. If it's actually rooted in other issues and not trans then yes of course that's better to avoid. But if it's trans then how is trying to socialize, work, pile up more years of your life in the wrong gender going to help? When you can't be yourself? The very reason you need to do it has alot to do with being able to do those other normal things as yourself, because you can't do them well otherwise.

Thank you!

I've had people on this forum tell me that too. And I responded with exactly your argument too.

I've been told that I should build a life and make friends before attempting transition, so I have a larger "support network", and I know myself that not only would any attempt to do that be extremely artificial on my part, it would also make it so much harder to transition when I did. Not to mention the time lost.

But then, I feel extremely confident in my feelings of gender identity incongruence, and it took 8 months of reflection on my life (not with a therapist though, by myself, I figured nobody knows my life better than I do and nobody is a harsher critic of me than me) to get to that point. Since then I've found seeing therapists after reaching that point of certainty to be nothing but unhelpful. With them making suggestions and giving opinions I've already gone over in my head hundreds of times over. Refusing to offer any tangible help and giving me no psychological benefit whatsoever.

Having said that though, there are good and bad therapists, and there's no doubt a lot of people here feel they've benefited from seeing one. But I don't think seeing a gender therapist is "required" for "all" those considering transition. Nobody can ever know your life and you better than you, because you're the one who lived it!

But you need to make sure that if you want to do this, you're doing it for the right reasons and because you feel you know it's what you need to do.

Transitioning in a seriously hard thing to do. I'm just starting out and there's no doubt in my mind that in the short term it'd be easier to just go on as I am pretending to be the roll I was assigned than to do this. But in the long term I feel positive that it's the right thing for me. And the only way I'd ever be able to feel "normal". And quite simply I couldn't live with myself if I took the "easy" option and a few years down the track I'm still exactly where I am now and knew how far I could have come in that time.

But the steps in transition like HRT will result in bodily changes that in some ways are permanent and in others permanent without surgical reversal (breast development). And some people have mistakenly thought themselves to be trans and realized after having taken steps down this road that they're really not. That it was other issues in their life.

http://www.theage.com.au/national/sexchange-clinic-got-it-wrong-20090530-br3u.html

The above is an extreme example of what can happen when people get it wrong.

If you feel you might be trans but aren't sure, all I personally could advise is either seeing a therapist, or trying to reflect on your life and work out why you feel the way you do, and what you would like your life to be in 5 years time. I don't think most people here would recommend the non-therapist option. But I never went to a therapist until I felt I was sure that my feelings were genuine and that I wanted to do something about it. Having been to one since then, nothing they've said has changed any of my viewpoints about myself. My viewpoints on the psychiatric profession on the other hand... 

I wish you the best of luck. It's not my place to say "yes you're trans" or "no you're clearly not trans", I can't know that and I don't think anyone here would pretend they could. Even a therapist would only be helping come to terms with yourself, not telling you what you are (or at least a good one shouldn't). What I will say is that it's a really hard thing to do, and I wouldn't ever recommend anyone do it unless they were absolutely sure that they felt like it was the right thing for them.

And really it probably is a good idea to see a therapist to help you sort out these issues. I didn't until I had come to terms with it on my own, and after I had I've only had negative experiences with therapists. But I'm probably more the exception than the rule. A lot of people here seem to strongly believe in their ability to help, and they're probably right.

Mija and asfsd, you are both right.  Dave, I'm sorry that I gave advice that way.  I can tell you how I did it.  I can tell what worked for me.  Whether that is right or will work for others I have no idea and shouldn't sound like I do.

For me I couldn't attempt to transition without the support I gain from friends and being part of a community.  If I couldn't have learned how to get there, I wouldn't have been able to get here.  But that's just me.  YMMV.

There were times when I knew I was a girl/woman; there were times when I knew I wasn't.  There were times when I wanted to transition; there were times when it sounded like the most ridiculous thing in the world for me.  There were times when my genitals gave me pleasure; there were times when I hated them.

I am quickly approaching old age if not there already.  Finally after all these years and all this thrashing around, I know what I need to do.  I hope each of you discover your path much earlier than I did.

What worked for me will not necessarily work for you.  There is much that is common between us, but we each walk our separate paths alone.  Others here on Susan's can help us, our friends can help us, sometimes our family can help us, and – if we can find someone we can work with – a professional counselor can help us; but ultimately it is something we have to do in our own way at our own pace when we think we are ready or when we are forced to by circumstances.

Mija and asfsd: Thanks for the reminder.

And Dave, asfsd is right: It is about discovering what you need to do to be a whole person.  There is no magic pill or procedure or action.  This is something you have to discover for yourself, and it takes a lot of work.  Good luck, honey.  Most of us have been through this or are going through it – it aint easy.

- Kate

I think Autogyne can merely just be how ones dysphoria vents. It happens, I used to get it. But it doesn't make you any less of a transsexual.

You could be right Kara. Teens have raging hormone levels and a lot of auto happens in that stage.

***So has everyone has/will say counciling is gonna be needed by the looks of it***


Yep sounds about right.

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Post Merge: October 29, 2009, 10:41:56 AM

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Quote from: Kara-Xen on October 29, 2009, 09:25:06 AM
I think Autogyne can merely just be how ones dysphoria vents. It happens, I used to get it. But it doesn't make you any less of a transsexual.

QFT

Quote from: cynthialee on October 29, 2009, 10:41:08 AM
***So has everyone has/will say counciling is gonna be needed by the looks of it***


Yep sounds about right.

Well, it's never to early for counseling, especially for something like this. As asfsd makes clear, professionals can be an issue when they're working against people instead of with them, but the earlier at least something is done, the more time people can enjoy living one way or the other later. And of course, before that people can accomplish a lot with some serious, objective introspection. This will better assist professionals to assist people in assisting themselves. Natalie's comment sticks out as very helpful in getting that ball rolling.

I'm also concurring with the  ->-bleeped-<- as a vent. For myself, I believe my. . .past indulgences were a way of trying to "normalize" my feelings about my identity; that to mask my feelings as a fetish or fantasy was somehow more acceptable than simply being honest with myself and doing what I needed to do to be happy.

In the beginning, honest self-assessment should be the focus.

Quote from: MissAshley on October 29, 2009, 11:33:25 AM
Well, it's never to early for counseling, especially for something like this. As asfsd makes clear, professionals can be an issue when they're working against people instead of with them, but the earlier at least something is done, the more time people can enjoy living one way or the other later. And of course, before that people can accomplish a lot with some serious, objective introspection. This will better assist professionals to assist people in assisting themselves. Natalie's comment sticks out as very helpful in getting that ball rolling.

I'm also concurring with the  ->-bleeped-<- as a vent. For myself, I believe my. . .past indulgences were a way of trying to "normalize" my feelings about my identity; that to mask my feelings as a fetish or fantasy was somehow more acceptable than simply being honest with myself and doing what I needed to do to be happy.

In the beginning, honest self-assessment should be the focus.

I feel personally that I was so desensitized to feeling normalness... ANd that my daily dysphoria was so bad that just the TINIEST bit of imagining myself being a girl was a turn-on.

The whole PROCESS of the change in my head was, years later, from more and more of me repressing and leaving that to my night time activities, tied in. I think it was so hard for me to find the TRUE problem underneath because so many fetishes BRANCHED from it... But come on... Having a FETISH when you're 12 years old that persisted since and got worse til I was 19? And it still comes back every now and then?

Thats not a freaking fetish... Those are only the pedals on the flower... The flower that pricks you every day and exsanguinate your life away... The... Well, you know.

ok I try and get a appointment for a gender therapist when I can

gussing I have to get referred from my GP? (Dont know much about how my services work over here, dont think I have ever been to my GP since we moved, which was like 10 years back!)

cant take time off work, has I work in a school, and my holiday time is the half term, so that may make it diffcult to get a time I can attend

Quote from: Kara-Xen on October 29, 2009, 07:07:17 PM
I feel personally that I was so desensitized to feeling normalness... ANd that my daily dysphoria was so bad that just the TINIEST bit of imagining myself being a girl was a turn-on.

The whole PROCESS of the change in my head was, years later, from more and more of me repressing and leaving that to my night time activities, tied in. I think it was so hard for me to find the TRUE problem underneath because so many fetishes BRANCHED from it... But come on... Having a FETISH when you're 12 years old that persisted since and got worse til I was 19? And it still comes back every now and then?

Thats not a freaking fetish... Those are only the pedals on the flower... The flower that pricks you every day and exsanguinate your life away... The... Well, you know.

Yeah, I do.

Dave, I think you have gotten plenty of good sound advice already and I will also repeat the chorus - get yourself into some therapy and really begin to look into your heart to figure out who you are and what you are truly feeling.

I had to chuckle a little with your first couple sentences in your first post "Ok little embrassing thing to say the first thing

Im 21 and am a virgin and never had a date!"

I had gone through some very similar experiences as you describe, some not as severe and some more. I had actually gone a lot longer without dating and being a virgin. The first girl that would go out with me was when I was 41, so don't feel so bad about it. It's not the worse thing in the world.

When I was growing up I was painfully shy and had great difficulty in talking to girls and for that matter, anyone. As I got older and entrenched myself in jobs that pretty much forced me to interact with people and I had to talk to them, I became somewhat more comfortable with being more open (though I still prefer to be left alone). As the years have gone by, I still had trouble with wanting to do things with others, friends, mates, dates, etc, but just could never manage to make it work out (can't tell you why, never figured it out).

I have always cross-dressed, since I was perhaps 8 or 9, and often snuck my mom's or sister's clothes to wear when ever I could manage. For a long time I was drawn to masturbate, like you, and fantasized about being a girl... we'll leave that part for the imagination. As I got older and less of the raging, frustrated teen angst, those feelings had shifted more toward wearing the clothes to help make me feel more feminine, closer to seeing myself as a girl, than a guy or a guy in a dress (that part got harder as time went on). It was only recently, after many decades of denial and really trying to fit the designated role of a guy, I had come to accept that that was a lie and that I am transsexual.

I'm not implying that I think, or believe, you are or not that decision can only come from within yourself and with the guidance of a professional. I would just say, try to relax and don't feel like you need to fit into someone's cookie cutter and behave like some whatever guy. Find a zone that you are comfortable living and push yourself into exploring parts of you that you feel you want to understand more.

No matter where you end up, I hope you can find happiness where ever it may be.

Deanna

Quote from: davep000 on October 29, 2009, 07:27:18 PM
ok I try and get a appointment for a gender therapist when I can

gussing I have to get referred from my GP? (Dont know much about how my services work over here, dont think I have ever been to my GP since we moved, which was like 10 years back!)

cant take time off work, has I work in a school, and my holiday time is the half term, so that may make it diffcult to get a time I can attend

Dave,
I wish you luck on this issue you have told us about.  I'm glad you got to talk to some people here.  They know what they're doing so I would strongly reccomend you take their advice.
You will be on my mind and in prayers.
Good luck!
Red

p.s. have you thought of what your alternate name would be?  Or is that something you look to do in the future?  Have a good day