Yesterday was really bad. This guy at work who I have in the past thought of as a friend more or less started threatening me regarding my sexuality and gender issues.

About a week before he made some comments indicating he knew about my gender issues and that was awkward enough for me as I am not "out" about these in any real sense especially so at work, but it was just one comment and I thought I'd let it go. Yesterday though he took it into overdrive.

First we were having fun talking, and then without warning he shifted into being a dick. First he started making little ->-bleeped-<- remarks that sounded initially like ribbing, but they quickly escalated.

About five minutes into it he outright asked me if I'm bi (which I have told a select few people at work who aren't blabber mouths). I told him no, and then things began to get dark. I would say something and he'd act like he didn't hear what I said and repeat it. i.e. Me: "Not that I'm aware of." Him: "What? You wear a vagina?"

At this point I started outright ignoring him. He tried to say something to me but I turned my back and engaged another coworker in brief conversation. My back was resting on the partition we shared, and he began tapping on it, and swatting me with this little noose we hung up between our cubes.

Then he started leaning over the edge to talk to me. He said, "BTK." to which I responded, "Yeah Bind Torture Kill, like the serial killer." and he retorted, "Yeah but now it's more like BTRPK."

He had represented rape with two letters but sashayed his way out of it by explaining, "It means Bind, Torture, Rape, uh...Parade around here (he twirlered his fingers indicating he meant the office), and Kill."

At this point I had enough and began looking for a good moment I could flag down a manager. He tried talking to me some more but I was trying to distract myself. A veiled death threat like that was more ->-bleeped-<- than I am paid to take.

I finally got a manager and, holding back tears, explained everything that had happened. I made one big mistake though. I had already told one of the lower managers, but I had to tell our head manager exactly what happened.

He came in and asked me what had transpired. I began to tell him about everything, from last week, but he cut me off asking only for exactly what had been said to me. I gave him three examples where I had been clearly harassed, excluding the death threat because despite the obvious intent indicated by his tone it made my case sound shaky.

I was kind of surprised when he cut me off and I told the events out of chronological order and accidentally created a loophole which allowed this guy to dodge the bullet somewhat. Since Tuesday he has been complaining of this sleep disorder thing which hasn't even been diagnosed yet, he has just talked about the symptoms. He claimed that because of that he had no idea what he was saying and couldn't be held responsible.

Anyway I wanted to share this for two reasons.

First I'm wondering if anyone has any tips for how to deal with this socially. And second I wanted to point out how much you can help yourself by keeping a log of offenses. If you write what is said as soon as possible including dates, times, names, places, etc. you add a great sum of credibility to your claim.

Hi Chrysalis,

I am so sorry you had to endure that..

I am in no way an expert in these things, but from my experience in security I would suggest the following:

1) Write a complete history of the event.. every detail as you can remember them.. from the very beginning.. be as specific as you can and keep only to the facts. Do the same for every such encounter, including names, dates, and times; who you informed and their reactions and any action taken. Keep copies at home with trusted friends and family and at least one in a fire safe with other important documents..

2) If you are seeing a therapist, call them and let them know this is going on. It is not to make you feel better, it is so a professional is aware of the situation. He or she may have other options and resources to help you, including the harassment laws in your state.

3) If things continue or escalate.. inform your HR and management immediately..

4) Be safe and alert.. even after work.. (good advice for everybody)

I was outed at work many years ago when I was first starting to transition, and I wasn't out at work.. It scared the bagisus out of me.. and it wasn't nearly as graphic as your was..

I hope others can lend better advice than I have..

Don't let it become an obsession.. but stay safe girl..  ::huggs::

Thanks for your support. What I wrote here is basically my log, just without all the names, times etc. One tip I got from a very informed T friend of mine is not to freak out emotionally as it hurts your credibility in these situations.

You are very welcome..
Always an ear..

I hope this passes for you and good things come your way..

Sorry to hear about these troubles and I hope I have some advice. I am mostly out about my issues at work but regardless of whether or not someone is out, there are some basic rights that apply in both circumstances. Here is the way I look at it. This is a job. It is not my life. I simply show up, clock in, do my job, get paid, clock out, and go home. I am not there to socialize or involve myself any more than is necessary to get the job done.

Now, since most jobs can be boring or monotonous or the day can really drag on forever, it is natural to want to break up the monotony by talking while you work or otherwise interacting to pass the time. If I make some great acquanitances or friends while I work, it is an added bonus. If not, I'm still getting paid regardless.

Those things aside, you have the right to be left alone, the right to privacy, and the right to not be disturbed. These are not unreasonable requests. My suggestion at first is to politely tell the individual that he is not being funny and that you are not to be disturbed and that you are trying to get your work done. You can phrase it however it needs to be given the circumstances. If he has an "attitude" I would sternly tell him to leave me alone including a raised voice if necessary. If that doesn't work, at that point I would go to HR/management. It sounds like you have already done so.

I sure hope they adequately handle it. If not, I would complain a second time and get stern (but professionally) with management that this individual is interfering with your work and that you have the right to be free from harrassment while at work. In extreme cases, you can even file a lawsuit but it would have to be really serious and he would have to do something blatantly illegal or the management would have to be criminally/civilly negligent. Anyway, you don't have to put up with that crap. If you don't want him bothering you at all, ask HR/management to put an action plan in place where the two of you are only to communicate for "business related purposes" only. I've had problems at jobs before with people and had to have this done. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You can file harassment charges by simply saying that his actions have made the work place into a 'hostile' environment.

I've done everything I can more or less, and thanks to a friend I knew to throw out "hostile work environment" which definitely got the ball rolling for me. They were actually asking me how I wanted them to handle it, and at this point I really regret not taking them up on some of what was offered.

I had a minor incident today but logged it word for word immediately, though it was too minor to report. If anything ever comes up again though I'll have that to throw on there as well.

Thank you all so much for your responses, they have been helping a lot. 

           Hi Chrysalis,      I can understand want you are going through.  I  also have a hostile enviroment to work in.  One day they are friendly and the next I get a F U after apolgizing for bumping them.  I cringe wheen I hear their comments after a cd/tg customer comes through.  I had let my hair grow ouot some (5" so far).  I was the butt of all sorts of comments.  I took the first hundred as jokes then I felt it become harrassment.  I told my boss and his comment was that "if I dish it out then I should be able to take a little teasing"  In our discussion he would not call it harassment.  But he said he would tell them to stop.  Every now and then someone says or does something as a joke (harrassment).  I try to let it go by.
            I do document most of it.  Someday I may need to take it to court.   I hope you keep a record of what is said and who said it for your own protection.   Good Luck.  DyLen

A couple of points off the top of my head:

Some companies make it very clear about sexual harassment.
Our company has a big poster in the lunch room about this and acknowledges all forms, i.e. M-M, M-F, F-M, F-F.
You should not have responded at all by translating BTK, that was playing along.
You should have reported the very first incident so that you didn't have a laundry list later.
You should not talk to this person at all unless absolutely required for work.
Any threat (even a non-credible threat) to harm or kill is objectionable.
If you don't get satisfaction from your direct supervisors, escalate this to the top.

Renate is right Ide add one more thing. If you can document when the harrasment occurred and when you saw your supervisor and you can get no satisfaction with your immediate supervisor you have the documentation to take it to the next level. Keep this process up if need be till you reach the directors of the company. Then the courts

Thank you SO much for the input! <3 It means a lot. More or less the problem is solved at work. I haven't heard anything from anyone in a while, but now I get a cold response from most people at work when I try to socialize, so the damage has been done.

The worst part is there are people who hate me, who I have done nothing to. At least I don't plan on being stuck here for the rest of my life .

Quote from: LordKAT on August 23, 2009, 08:46:28 PM
You can file harassment charges by simply saying that his actions have made the work place into a 'hostile' environment.

Just what I was going to say.

How come someone excuse there behaviour because they have a "condition" which hasn't even been diagnosed. If you are that nasty then maybe you shouldn't actually be around people. So you don't create a hostile enviroment let alone death threats. 

I am sorry you have to indure this. *hug*

Jay

I'm not sure if this will help, but do you have any close work buddies? maybe some you even call friends? They can be supportive, I have work buddies, some are friends now, and if someone harasses me they step up for me and put the other person in place. Plus they can be a witness to the harassment.