Hey, I'm an 18-year-old biological male who's pretty confused right now. But worse than my confused gender, I am utterly and absolutely lonely. I want a girlfriend more than just about anything else in the world right now. I'm attracted to guys too, but: a) I go to a small rural high school so my dating pool would be extremely small, and b) that's a can of worms I really don't want to open.

There's a single 16-year-old girl I know who's amazingly cute and adventurous, but I don't know if I'm good enough for her. I really don't know how to express myself - I do act feminine sometimes but I can get away with it because I'm goofy and sarcastic too. Also, I don't know if I'm attracted to her because I want to share myself with a girl, or because she embodies who I want to be.

The physical part isn't my #1 priority, but it's definitely a plus. I played strip poker with her yesterday, and it was one of the most tantalizing experiences of my life.

So, do you think it would be a good idea to at least try to strike up a relationship with her? Even if it goes bad, I'd be glad for the experience. I'm totally pissed off at myself since I spent the last three years of high school having no fun at all.

Edit- I was a little vague with my problem. What I want to know is not whether I'm mature enough, but whether it's fair to ask a girl out if I'm not sure of my sexual identity.

Any date is a quest to figure out if the other person is who you want to be with long term. I say ask her and start figuring it out. Seeing a therapist wouldn't hurt necessarily if you are still questioning.

Yes, ask her.  You won't know what she will say until you do. 

I know that it is hard to break the ice, but don't get ahead of yourself.  You aren't asking her to go steady with you but are just asking her for one date.  Regardless of your gender issues, you find her appealing and want to get to know her better.  That's all.  Let it develop or not from there.

Good luck, Stacy, and let us know what she says.

- Kate

Yes I agree. Regardles of gender issues, who you are attracted is detached. For whatever reason, I don't know, that's just how it works!

I personally would just talk to her a bit more than you do now, get a feel for how she is with you, then if you feel that she has an interest, just ask her if she'd like to do whatever it is you'd like to offer. Every single person who has ever lived has been in this situation. There's a certain amount of trial and error, but it may just work

Give it a shot though I think. IMO, it's better to regret something you did do than something you didnt.

Thanks guys. I know that I should ask her out, but to be honest I'm terrified. What if she already has someone special? She's over two years younger than me, so what if people think it's weird? What if I get rejected? I have no idea what exactly to do on a date, so what if we have no fun at all? Worst of all, what if she actually is interested in me at first, but as time goes on I keep having to hide things from her?

I know I sound like a loser, but I'm not gonna do anything as of right now. Maybe if I go watch Wanted again it'll pick me up.

just go for it! 2 years is nothing. Even if things dont go well then its all experiences, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger

I just have to say.

A relationship for the relationship's sake will not last and it sets up a situation where you're with "your idea of a girlfriend" instead of the girl herself.

If you like her for her then that's something else and can be worth pursuing, but if you want it to last, then honestly should be involved.

You might want to get to know her better, in order to find out if she does have special someone already (you mentioned that worry), her views on LGBT people, and just to see what kind of a person she is.  As for the age difference: maybe it's different where you are, but I know at my high school people don't care much if people with a 2 year age difference date.

Mr. Fox: You're right, I should try to find out more about her. I just don't want to be conspicuous...

Miniar: I think I can see what you're saying, if I ask her out I'll be careful not to set up a "mold" for us to fit into.

heatherrose: Who is Angie?

BTW, I'm checking into statutory rape laws right now. Rape is always a buzz killer.

Quote from: Stacy on November 01, 2009, 02:33:40 PM
BTW, I'm checking into statutory rape laws right now. Rape is always a buzz killer.

Uh, Stacy, don't get ahead of yourself. 

See if you can talk to her.  See if you two have something to talk about.  If you are interested in her as a person and not just as what's available to fill your need for a girlfriend, ask if she wants to do something with you.

I'm an old woman - graduated high school in 1961.  I know you are being hopeful, dear, but checking rape laws seems a bit premature to someone as old-fashioned as I am.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on November 01, 2009, 03:12:05 PM
Uh, Stacy, don't get ahead of yourself. 

See if you can talk to her.  See if you two have something to talk about.  If you are interested in her as a person and not just as what's available to fill your need for a girlfriend, ask if she wants to do something with you.

I'm an old woman - graduated high school in 1961.  I know you are being hopeful, dear, but checking rape laws seems a bit premature to someone as old-fashioned as I am.

- Kate

Hehe. You're right, but I don't think there's anything wrong with knowing what the legal boundaries are. From the looks of it, since she's over the age of consent and I'm not in a position of power over her, it should be all right.

I don't think there are any maturity limits on having a relationship. Quite likely you have both the attraction and the desire to be like her.

Just be respectful, remember to listen, talk about important stuff and take account of her needs instead of just trying to satisfy your own. That is the extent of the maturity required to be a good partner.
At your age you probably don't want to be thinking long term here as I think that would really be getting ahead of yourself. But then you don't go into it expecting to break up. Just see how it goes.

I did not have my first girlfriend untill I was 20, it was a steep learning curve. We broke up, but I learnt a lot from that and like to think I became a better partner for it.

Do you have many friends?

Yeah, I'm not exactly a loner. I just feel disillusioned, like nothing has a point, and when I'm talking it's just conversation for the sake of conversation.

BTW Nicky I love your look. You'd make a great woman or man.

It's not going well with her. I've been finding opportunities to talk with her but I don't think we have much common ground, and when I try to talk about something interesting to me I feel like I'm steering the conversation. I've also tried to be myself and act a little girly, but that is a horrible way to attract a girl I worry and I've already been friend-zoned.
My motives for needing her are worse than anything. I'm probably gay and I don't feel much sexual attraction for her, but I want to be closer to her than I do anyone else on Earth. It's pretty embarassing, looking at her Facebook photos for a half hour at a time, but I'm lusting after her lifestyle and I want to possess her.
Am I okay psychologically? Definitely not. But I'm happier as a psychopath than I am as anyone else. When I'm cold and calculating is the only time I'm comfortable with who I am - like Light Yagami from Death Note or Sylar from Heroes.
Right now I've resolved to finally ask her out under my psychopathic persona - I doubt it will end well but it'll be a whole lot better than sitting here depressed. Love you all.

Maybe I'm being too romantic, but not feeling much attraction doesn't necessarily mean there will never be any.
For instance: although I fall for a girl really quickly, I'm not feeling anything sexually for a couple of weeks, at least.
If you want to be around her, and she's willing to let you be around her, then that's probably OK.
And people do occasionally fall in love with friends, anyway.

Quote from: Stacy on November 15, 2009, 05:42:12 PM
I've also tried to be myself and act a little girly, but that is a horrible way to attract a girl...

Not as bad as you think. There are girls who like feminine guys. Not only am I friends with one, but a few girls have expressed interest in the past, and I've always been at least a little feminine. (As for why I don't have a girlfriend? I'm too shy.) Again, if she's OK with you being 'girly', by all means let the shields down a little.

Try to enjoy yourself as much as you can, and try not to worry. It doesn't help, I should know. It never helps, for that matter...
You might also wanna stop referring to yourself as 'psychopathic'...

Stacy, did you consider that your need to be with a g/f might also stem from your gender issues? At one point more than anything I wanted to get a b/f. But after awhile I realized that the person I wanted to be with was actually the person I wanted to be. As I learned to be myself more my need for a b/f decreased. Now I do get lonely from time to time and would like to be with someone, but it isn't that all consuming need that I use to have.

Just throwing that possibility out there, your situation may be different but it's something to think about at least.

Actually knowing the law IS something an 18yr should know before seeking a relationship with someone under 18. Played strip poker with her already? In many states that would get you jail time. In most states I believe. At least in the USA. I know 16 is considered of age in many other countries, just not here.  In general 2yrs is no big deal maturity wise. Even in teens. Now 5-8yrs would definantly be a huge difference.

Heck one of my mates is like 22yrs older than me, but I'm 34 so not quite the same. If you are questioning your gender I would definantly seek some counseling. As a few others pointed out, you might see her as how you would like to be. I know it can be hard to deal with feelings that you are not sure about. It took me 32yrs to come to grips with my own, and even then I still battle with myself. I know who I am but I'm just not able to accept who looks back at me in the mirror.