I have experienced innumerable momentary instances of white knuckle,
death grip on the steering wheel, shear terror, followed by hours of droning
monotony but as far as the most unsettling scariest is concerned, pre-transition:
I was traveling north on I-81 in Virginia and I saw a SUV barrelroll through
the air over the top of a car and land on it's roof in the middle of the south
bound travel lanes. I pulled over, grabbed my first-aid kit and ran yelling for
the people who were trying to pull a guy out of the SUV, "LEAVE HIM ALONE,
DON'T MOVE HIM." When I got to the vehicle, there was a young man laying
in the roof of the SUV. He was in extreme pain from obvious internal and head
injuries. As I checked the rest of the inside of the vehicle, I found a girl hanging
upside down in her seat belt, I checked her for vital signs even though her head
was turned around backwards, she was beyond help. I went back to the guy,
checked him for bleeding and broken bones. I did what I could to protect him
from shock and keep him calm, holding him still while laying between him and
the girl, blocking her form his view. As I laid there holding his hand talking to
him, he told me that he and his wife were on their honeymoon. There was nothing
that could be done for her and I felt so bad lying to him, telling him that she was
ok when he kept asking about her but I needed to keep him still and calm or he
might hurt himself worse than he already was. He started to shake squeezing my
arm, he stopped breathing and his heart stopped. I started CPR as the EMT's
arrived and kept it up until the Life Flight arrived. I later called the Highway
Patrol, they told me that he never regained consciousness. I checked
into a motel and drank myself into a stupor for three days.
The scariest thing that has happened to me since I started transition:
The search for the things that used to satisfy my varied appetites,
invariably lead me to some of the roughest areas. During this period of my life,
the only time that I became scared was when I saw blue lights in the rearview.
I have driven through one hurricane, several tornadoes and innumerable blizzards
which only raised my adrenaline level and focused my attention. As a "man" with a
tortured past I was completely aware of the danger that existed around me.
I rushed headlong into it and embraced it. "What are you gonna do, take away
my birthday. Give it you best shot!" I think of it as like attempting suicide without
having to be the triggerman. I carry with me, the scars from fifty-four stitches on
my left brow and forehead, a steel plate in my arm, several knitted bones and two
fused joints, as mementos of this attitude. So, as I walked back to my truck,
alone as Tammy Renee' for the first time, in South Phoenix at 3:00 am from a
dive bar about four blocks distant, past all manner of night "creatures". Trembling
with tears streaming down my face, I experienced fear in it's rawest form, for
the very first time. I realized that I wanted to live and there was a very real
chance that I might not see the morning, on this side of the veil.
