WOW! I have been soo struggling with this very issue. I have been full-time for almost a year and my gender therapist keeps giving me names of other trans people and groups. I joined a GLT group that covers my state and finally went to a group dinner. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life! I'm on HRT but I've got a long way to go before I'm 90% passable, even so I never ever have problems. In fact people go out of their way to compliment me and treat me kindly. When I met this group for dinner people were staring at us non-stop. Instead of just being a women out on her own or with a girlfriend I was suddenly a cross-dresser or something? Yes, the girls were all in different stages and I was there once but... I'm feeling bad about my feelings and the whole thing really set me back. The thing is, they could be good friends and real source of support when I need it plus I feel that maybe I owe them the support I never had?

I definitely know the feeling of awkwardness in larger groups of trans people.

I have a group of queer friends who aften attend a popular monthly event at a gay nightclub. One of this group is trans, and I know another trans person who often goes with a trans support group. Now, I knew both my trans friends from before I began transitioning, and it's never the slightest bit awkward to hang out with them -- they are just friends, and I'm always happy to see them -- but when I've run into the trans group at this event, it's always a bit more awkward, not just because they aren't my friends, but because they seem to be a bit segregated from the rest of the people at the club. And I do feel like I stand out more when I'm with them. But I think the bigger part of it is that I simply don't know them or have all that much in common with them. I try not to sweat it either way.

Reading this I have a couple thoughts based on my own experiences,

1) The rule of two is not always true depending on the transpeople.  I know several transpeople that I can spend an entire day with and have zero issues with any of us getting read.

2) I do tend to be selective with which transpeople I spend time with.  But my deciding factor has nothing to do with appearance, but rather stability.  Far too many transpeople have underlying mental health issues they are not dealing with (and I'm not referring to the emotional impact of GID).  I wouldn't hang with a cisperson who undertakes self-destructive behavior, so why would I do so with a transperson?.

3) Here's a few simple rules of transpeople I will *not* associate with:
a) If you drool over my cleavage, I will not spend time with you (unless, of course, you are attractive enough to me to *want* you to do so).
b) If you cannot follow basic societal norms (for example, if you are in a skirt and not wearing underwear, do not sit so others can see everything that is going on).
c) If you are old enough to be my parents, do not expect me to be a friend or to want to spend time with you.  Generational gaps are vast.
d) If the only thing we have in common is being trans, I'm not going to find you socially appealing to hang with.

I think these rules are pretty typical of any human interaction, yet to my surprise, several local transwomen become offended if I state them.

4) It surprises me how few transwomen appreciate the need for certain areas of our lives to be trans-free.  There are areas where we are, by need, stealth.  To intrude upon those areas is not cool.  For example, I was hired to work for someone unaware of my trans-status.  To have another transperson decide they can intrude upon that space without my invitation because they know me is *not* acceptable behavior.

Quote from: pheonix on October 26, 2009, 04:04:32 PM
Reading this I have a couple thoughts based on my own experiences,

<Snip>
...  Far too many transpeople have underlying mental health issues they are not dealing with (and I'm not referring to the emotional impact of GID).  I wouldn't hang with a cisperson who undertakes self-destructive behavior, so why would I do so with a transperson?.
<Snip>

I think you are being entirely unfair with this statement.  How on earth do you know that many transpeople have underlying mental health issues they are not dealing with?  Oh wait... You must have Googled it right!

-={LR}=-

As far as the "judging people by their looks" thing we have going here...I don't think theres a single person on this forum who can truthfully say they've never had reservations hanging out with someone due to appearance, even outside a trans standpoint. Most likely if a schizophrenic homeless woman walked up to you and wanted to go shopping with you all day, you'd not take her along...we make our first impressions socially by what we all look like, hence one reason why fashion is such a big deal for both genders in society.

I would feel mixed emotions going out with trans friends (I know no one personally), on one hand I would know I was being inadvertently outed to everyone who saw me just by talking with this person. On the other hand, if I know this person to actually hang out with for any length of time, I probably am past the point of caring and just want to be around them. I wouldn't run up to another trans person and try to bond just because we both happen to be trans, and I hope to god no one does it to me.

That said, I generally stay happy in my computer hole like the little geekboy I am unless forced into sunlight for some dire emergency or work.

Quote from: Ladyrider on October 26, 2009, 06:47:53 PM
I think you are being entirely unfair with this statement.  How on earth do you know that many transpeople have underlying mental health issues they are not dealing with?  Oh wait... You must have Googled it right!

-={LR}=-

While that statement is unfair and prejudgemental, I can see the issues arising...I can see a lot of transpeople might not take care of other issues like bipolar disorder, depression, etc etc because they mistakenly associate it as a "flare up" of the GID. Maybe Phoenix just got unlucky in the draw.

Quote from: chrissyboy on November 11, 2009, 04:53:00 AM
While that statement is unfair and prejudgemental, I can see the issues arising...I can see a lot of transpeople might not take care of other issues like bipolar disorder, depression, etc etc because they mistakenly associate it as a "flare up" of the GID. Maybe Phoenix just got unlucky in the draw.

I have been woefully misinterpreted here -- I do not "prejudge" transpeople.  But I do judge them on the actions, behaviors and choices they make.

I've met transwomen in support groups who were alcoholics and not seeking help.  I wouldn't spend time with a cis-alcoholic not in recovery, so why would I spend time with trans ones?

Another woman was bi-polar and refused to take medications to deal with the issue -- she was extraordinarily unstable and had threatened others in the group with violence.  Why would I expose myself to that?

There is nothing inappropriate with avoiding people engaged in self-destructive behavior.

If my choice of the word "many" has everyone upset then I would point out I used the phrase "far too many"  as in of the population of transpeople we have a significantly higher percentage of folks with issues they are ignoring.  And Chrissy - you hit it on the head.  I constantly see some transpeople blaming GID for things that have nothing to do with their GID.  There's this misconception among some that transition is a panacea... it is not.  You've got to deal with all your issues including GID if you're gonna get your life together.