Not long ago I was in the middle of a bit of a crisis I suppose.  I have been living fulltime for several years and I realized I no longer felt grounded.   I knew who I was and yet I had this strange sensation of not knowing who I was.   It began to affect my life and I could see myself spiraling once again into another bought of deep depression.

  I found myself seeking my TG roots if you will.  I went back to some of the chat rooms and such from my past but found only hate and anger there instead of the compassion that was the norm so many years ago.  I was doing some random searches online of TG related sites when I came across this one. 

  After reading through some of the posts I realized that here at Susan's was a group of people who, much like myself, were dealing with all the ups and downs of this life we lead.  I felt a sense of home here and I gladly joined in trying share my experiences with others in the hope that maybe they would give hope or even just a little comfort to those who were struggling in the beginning of thier transitions. 

  While offering up bits of advice or experiences from my transitional history to date I found myself actually feeling better about myself.  I don't relate that feeling to having done any good but more to me touching base again with who I am. 

  That being said I have come across questions or topics on here that have forced me to look at issues that were very troubling to me long ago.  Most recently was a question about giving birth if it were possible.  I saw that topic a couple times and somehow managed to avoid it and go on to something else.  However, today I didn't look away...today I answered it (kind of because I stopped and turned off my pc before finishing). 

  Up until that post it had been several years, maybe as many as ten since I thought about something that happened in my past.  I won't go into a lot of detail but long ago I lost a child pre-birth.  Not because of medical conditions but because my childs mother chose to abort the child rather than let me raise him/her. 

  This isn't the first time since I came to Susan's that some repressed memory from my past has resurfaced due to reading someones post but in this particular instance it hit me hard....so hard in fact that I have spent all day shaking and crying and trying to figure out how I had managed to push that memory so far down that I haven't thought about it in so long.

  My question is to all of you..."Have you ever recalled a previously repressed traumatic experience in your past because of something that you have read here and if so did it scare you to the point that you considered backing away from this site?".  Don't get me wrong.....I totally believe in this site and the good it does and I am proud to be a part of it but right now I'm wondering if it's the best thing for me.

I feel this is a great group of people who won't leave you dangling. I personally had one trauma resurface here but never considered leaving, just had to step back from the thread for a while and regroup myself. Once I entered the discussion and explained my feelings I found support and understanding while we were all still trying to help the original individual with his problem. As so many said and I say it myself, the brain is a wonderous mystery and even a smell could trigger memories. So don't be afraid of flare ups, it may even give you a chance to deal with it a little better, and everyone is willing to give you an outside look at it which helps also. 

  Thanks Kim....I guess what I'm wondering is where is the line drawn between wanting to help others and hurting yourself?  I know that facing my "issues" is important.  Lord knows I've gone through volumes with my therapist but is there a point when self sacrifice circumvents self preservation?  In other words, is there a time when you have to decide that your own mental stability outweighs the urge to help others?

  Meh...I don't even think I'm making sense anymore.  I know what I want to say but not really sure how to phrase it so everyone else understands.   I came here to fulfill a part of me that needed to feel like it was helping others but in the process I came to realize that there were parts of me that needed help.  I've never assumed that I was fully in alignment with being a psychologically healthy and productive member of society but I never expected to be shaken quite as hard as I was today either.  To be honest it scares the hell out of me.....

  I wonder now if I even have any room to offer suggestion or advice to others when my own psyche can be pulled out and shaken to the point of confusion so easily.  The very last thing I would ever want to do is be one of those people who seem to revel in giving advice without the background to back it up.  I have a pretty extensive "background" but if I can't handle it any better than I did today am I really doing any good by being here?

  I really need some answers...I need something to hold onto......I need, for lack of a better answer, an anchor to hold me down for awhile until I clear my head.
Posted on: September 11, 2006, 11:06:38 PM

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I'm back....I am soo sad I can't stop crying.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.....I can't live like this.......I don't know what to do.

I look at the the stats and I see 26 people have viewed this post and only one has answered other than Kim(thank you sis and thank you Buffy for talking to me in PM)....I need help....I need someone to tell me it will be ok.  Why is there no one answering me?  I am so sad.......I'm not suicidal or anything but I just want someone to care........my family doesn't care.......I am sooooo sad....I just can't stop crying.......I've been crying now for hours and hours......nobody outside this community can understand but there doesn't seem to be anyone who here who cares.  Please help me...please....I can't do this alone......

Leighs passing hit me like a ton of bricks and brought back a flood of memories of my grandmother....  I might post about her good side one day.......

I was at the coffee shop and it took all my willpower not to cry my eyes out.....

*hugs*

Hello Brandi,

                  I have never had a repressed memory so I cannot really speak to that issue.  I have certainly felt all alone through most of my life.  I found communicating here at Susan's helped relieve the all alone feeling as many here had similar experiences to me. Posting here helped me come out to everyone in my life and now I rarely feel alone.

                   I know the limited response you have had is not from lack of caring, but most likely the general lack of experience in dealing with this issue. 

                   I have things in my past that are not repressed but occasionally come up when I am reminded by something. I think about these things, but then just tell myself they are part of the past and they cannot be changed or corrected.  They are just part of us.

                    We all care very much about you and you are not alone here.

beth

Hey Brandi,

Do not worry - there is so much happening here people proably do not have a lot of time to read and think. You are making a great contribution to Susans.

As for the original question - no I have not relive any awfull/repressed memoried.

Alice

Hi Brandi...

Yes.... sometimes what I read in the posts brings back painful memories for me.

I left transition behind years ago, but unfortunately cannot change the bad events in my life and every now and again, a post a comment reminds me of that.

I was really down (and in a VERY dark place) a couple of weeks ago. The girls in the chat room helped me out greatly to overcome how I was feeling, which was full of guilt and shame.... which came from a post on abuse.

I had been there BUT never really discussed that part of my life, with anyone before, especially my friends in my new life. I felt alone (and suicidal) until some wonderful people, here helped me out.

I was talking about this very issue to one of the staff here. We both agreed we had moved on, our lives where happy.... so why come back?

Well in my case it is because I care, I want to help the people here.... by providing information (in the Wiki), laughter and support (on chat) and talking about my experiences (on the forum)..... I believe I can do that, but expect to be reminded of past, painful and depressing events alone the way.

What happened two weeks ago, was a bad event for me, BUT it helped me cleanse a part of my life that still troubled me..... I got my own support at "Susan's Resources"


Becky

I know Becky...there is a part of me that totally understands what you are saying but there is also a part of me that says "Scream as loud as you can and see if anyone actually listens.".  Long before I ever transitioned I met this guy who I knew very little about.  He was older than me in school but told me this "Don't worry about being different...there will come a time when that difference will help you instead of harm you.".  I don't know what  I'm saying....I feel like I'm bouncing along a highway with no control. 

  I don't know what i'm doing....I can't find ryhmme or reason for my existance....I want to ground myself but  in all honesty there is nowhere to ground to.  I don't know.............I don't know what I'm doling.....I don't know why I do what I do,...I don't know why I am who I am.............

  I appreciate the attention that some of you have shown, however, I'm not sure where I belong....I hope that where ever I end up the end result is helping someone else.................

Quote from: BrandiOK on September 12, 2006, 01:23:33 AM
I know Becky...there is a part of me that totally understands what you are saying but there is also a part of me that says "Scream as loud as you can and see if anyone actually listens.".  Long before I ever transitioned I met this guy who I knew very little about.  He was older than me in school but told me this "Don't worry about being different...there will come a time when that difference will help you instead of harm you.".  I don't know what  I'm saying....I feel like I'm bouncing along a highway with no control. 

  I don't know what i'm doing....I can't find ryhmme or reason for my existance....I want to ground myself but  in all honesty there is nowhere to ground to.  I don't know.............I don't know what I'm doling.....I don't know why I do what I do,...I don't know why I am who I am.............

  I appreciate the attention that some of you have shown, however, I'm not sure where I belong....I hope that where ever I end up the end result is helping someone else.................

You belong here honey, stay a while and let us help you, like you are helping others.

There comes a time when we need to stop bouncing and take control of our lives.

Becky

Brandi,

Wow... lot's of issues in your post.

You worry about having an adequate base from which to support others and at the same time feel the need for that same help.  Welcome to reality chica.  It's tough.  We know.  Some of us have been through the whole gambit of emotions and challenges of completely transitioning.

What gives one person any more experience than another?  What makes anyone a better authority for any given feeling or problem?  We usually lean on those who are starting, going, or who have finished! So you have someone at every stage to help. 

Now, the converse is true as well.  When you need emotional support, we are there as well.

Everyone's experience, or lack thereof, provides the ultimate in self help groups.  We have a great bunch of "brothers and sisteres" here.

Does it get to be too much?  I left "the community" 17 years ago and only came back a couple of months ago.  The answer is yes, it does. There is so much hurting and pain.  It's not this forum or group of people for me, it is dealing with the past, it is giving something back.  And that pulls me in, it takes me back, it digs up old demons.  Some have been painful to be sure.  But it has prompted me to share things that I've never dealt with before.  And I know that I'll feel compelled to move on sometime down the road.  I don't know when, but I'll know it then.

Brandi, we have the opportunity to live two lifetimes.  How many people get to do that? It's pretty amazing when you think about it.  When I look back on the life I've had so far, I am amazed at the diversity of it all.  I've lived more life than any other three people outside of our group.

So hang tight. Chin up and all of that.

Cindi

Ok....I'm all better now 

  I'm not sure what happened last night.  I remembered something out of my past that I had completely forgotten about for a long time.  Suddenly it was right there in front of me and it was like I kept re-living it over and over again in my head.  I couldn't make it stop and, honestly, I lost it for awhile.

  I'm not leaving....I'm staying!!! I just took a little mental vacation there I guess but I'm all better now 

  Thanks 

Not a problem Brandi dear. It happens and that's what we are all here for, to lean on and to ask to lean on others when need be. We are always happy to help out each other. Take care of yourself and welcome back from you lil 'vacation'.   
                         

Quote from: LynnER on September 12, 2006, 12:22:46 AM
Leighs passing hit me like a ton of bricks and brought back a flood of memories of my grandmother....  I might post about her good side one day.......

I was at the coffee shop and it took all my willpower not to cry my eyes out.....

*hugs*

Yeah, it hit me the same way.  I couldn't even finish reading past a couple paragraphs, because each word I read, etched it in a little deeper.  I was at home and I'm glad, because there was no way I could have stopped the flood of tears. There have been a number of posts that have made me cry in the most inconvenient places.  One in particular I remember was from Taylor posting about his foster daughter.  I was at work reading it at the time and I had to go into the bathroom and try and weep silently, because I wasn't out yet.

For all the posts that have hit me like that--and there have been many--I have never considered leaving based on that.  We like to offer support to others, but sometimes we need to accept support from ourselves.  That's one of the key aspects to living life as a woman.  To a woman, our friends are probably the most valuble thing we will ever have.  I know this is true whether you are TS or GG.  I don't know how I keep stumbling upon these secrets, but I love sharing them.  Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better.  I can assure you it probably will happen again and it's best to hold the pain--embrace it and allow it to become a part of you--than to run away from it, because if you run, it will never be gone.

Melissa
Posted on: September 12, 2006, 10:48:19 AM

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One more thing.  I took a while viewing the topic, because I didn't sense any urgency in the title.  OH well.  If you want to change the display title of the post, just modify your first post.

Melissa

Quote from: BrandiOK on September 12, 2006, 09:17:51 AM
Ok....I'm all better now 

  I'm not sure what happened last night.  I remembered something out of my past that I had completely forgotten about for a long time.  Suddenly it was right there in front of me and it was like I kept re-living it over and over again in my head.  I couldn't make it stop and, honestly, I lost it for awhile.

  I'm not leaving....I'm staying!!! I just took a little mental vacation there I guess but I'm all better now 

  Thanks 

I'm  very happy to know that you are staying Brandi.  Never forget that you have lots of people here who care about you.

tinkerbell

Brandi, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know what it feels to lose a child that way.  For me it happened over 30 years ago and I learned to deal with it.  I hope you can come to some form of closure too.

As for this site or any site causing the resurfacing of a repressed memory, no I haven't ever had that experience.  I lived in denial about who I was for over 50 years but I knew deep down I was doing it.

Brandi,

It's hard when those unresolved memories that we've kept in the background pop up after reminders from some other source.  But I think that this is a good thing, even though it's very painful, because it gives us another opportunity to work it out and become settled with it.  Based on your follow up post, it seems that this is what happened.

With all of the sadness that the members of Susan's have been dealing with lately, I have also wondered if it was really the best thing for me to keep reading as much as I do.  I take almost all of it directly to heart and sometimes it feels like I walk away in worse shape than when I got started.  But I keep coming back because the support I get just from reading and occasionally posting far outweighs the sadness I feel when reading of other people's troubles.

I hope you have resolved your feelings about this child, it's truly awful to lose one, I can imagine, so that the memory, while it will still hurt, will not incapacitate you.

Hugs & Smiles,
helen

As Helen mentioned, there has been a lot of sadness lately and I've felt like I was in the center of it all.  I had personal connections to the people in the 2 major incidents.  I felt like it didn't mater if I walked away as I still felt pain.  I am still happy I made those personal connections and the support around here was phenomenal.  I had some very good conversations with a few members and as a reult I feel closer to them as a result.  For the most part, I have overcome a lot of the sadness as of today.  Why is that?  I don't know.  I just kept on going, knowing that it would all pass.  Sure, it brought suicidal feelings, but I felt I had the strength to overcome those and I did.  In a way, I am glad to have gone through that.  I went through much of my life feeling "emotionally numb" due to tocking away emotions and testosterone poisoning.  I was happy to finally be able to feel once again.  Even if it was sadness, it was more emotion than I had ever felt.  Isn't that one of the benefits of transition; to once again feel as other women do?

Melissa

I thought I had it under control this morning....

  I was going about all my normal activities and my heart started beating really hard and I couldn't control it.  I tried some deep breathing excercises but the didn't work....I started getting dizzy and thought maybe I was having a heart attack. 

  Having worked as an EMT for years I knew I didn't have all the other symptoms for a heart attack and yet my heart was doing some latin dance moves in my chest.  I tried everything I could to calm myself down before I went into another full fledged anxiety attack but I was scared and I called my roommate at work.

  Long story short I spent half my day in the ER hooked up to EKG's and all the goodies.  My blood pressure was shooting up and my heartrate was following it.  They basically told me what I had already guessed.  My anxiety (of which I've suffered with my whole life) was causing the high blood pressure and the heart issue is SVT or supraventricular tachycardia (an abnormal heart rhythm that can cause the heart to beat very fast).  Which is tech talk for I'm worrying myself into an early grave. 

  The SVT and the high bloodpressure are bad in themselves but he thought that were caused by my anxiety and not another condition.  So now I gotta do the whole go get my B/P checked at least once a week and follow up with the docs to see if it continues and if it does they want me to start taking a medicine that lowers the blood pressure and slows the heart rate together.  In the meantime they wrote a prescription for anti-anxiety medicine to hopefully head everything off before it gets worse.

  I guess we'll wait and see.....all of the other tests came back in the "very good" catagory so the heart is healthy it's just firing some extra bursts of current and making it beat too fast.  Theoretically I shouldn't keel over from a myocardial infarction anytime soon. Hopefully the anti-anxiety meds will solve the problem.

 

Thanks Tink....my blood pressure before all of this mess has actually been low.  It went down even more on HRT.....

I had already made up my mind that I wasn't staying there overnight....the bed was so uncomfortable I wanted to leave before they were even done.

I'm going to go rest right now actually......feeling a little blah.

Oh I am so sorry Brandi.... It sounds awful honey.

I hate hospitals at the best of times.

Take it easy, get better and you know you can talk any time....

Becky