Erghh! Another day....

I am seriously confused, as I have been for a few months now.
I can't separate myself into either gender! I mean...I am physically male. But maybe not so much on the inside!

The concept of femininity fascinates me! The clothes they wear...their bodies...I become increasingly jealous. I was clothes shopping in Target today, in the mens section as society expects. I got all my clothes, and left I walked past a shop displaying bra's and underwear, and it caught my attention. Just the way they look...the way they feel (I "cross-dress" whenever I can) is just...I don't know....I guess you could say that I like it. Then comes the wide variety of outfits! Just the way they can be mixed and matched...the different styles...the freedom in wearing it...erghh!! AND! The hair! I love my hair! I love growing it long! I want to get it styled! I asked for it to be straightened and (possibly) curled into thin ringlets...that would be great. My mother said that it was gay...which shut me down a bit.

Look at me...listing these feminine things. And yet...it is not completely clear to me that I am mostly feminine. Something inside tells me that I am a female at heart...and yet something else tells me that I am wrong and should just stay the way I am. I am in two minds about who I am. It is driving me nuts.

Any insights? Thank you very much for your time. I wish you all the best for the near future.

Love,
Dizzyy.

welcome to the world of androgyny? That may be something to check out. A therapist knowing about gender issues may be able to help you sort it all out too.

Well, you sound very much like I was for much of my life.  Once I finally came to terms with it and opened up to others, I gradually came to realize that I wanted to be a woman, then realized that I am a woman and always have been (even though I had a male body and lived as a male most of my life).

That doesn't mean this is the road you will take.  Each of us is different, but your description sure rang a bell with me.

As LordKAT said, it will help you to talk to someone trained to listen to you and ferret your needs out of the jumble in your head.  And don't go: I like women's clothes therefore I have to transition and get surgery.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Take one step at a time, and counseling is one of the first steps.

Good luck on your journey, wherever it may lead.

- Kate

I've had moments kind of like that.  Like a tug-of-war between my gender identity and a "don't mess with nature" attitude, or just laziness, in my case.  Your situation sounds pretty different from mine, but I can relate to the feeling of inner conflict.

It helps to talk to people, think, write, explore these things from as many angles as possible, and be patient.

Talking to a therapist with a good reputation and a specialization in gender issues sounds like a good idea.  Haven't tried that myself yet, but I plan to. 

Hey.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your help. I have taken some time to think about this, and I still don't know. It will come eventually.

In the meantime, I will be holidaying for a week, so I won't be on.
Good luck to you all, take care of yourself.

Love,
Dizzyy.

I've felt kind of like this.  I'm certainly interested in all of the clothes and makeup and stuff that women can wear, but that are socially forbidden to men.  I've decided that this is a social issue, though.  I don't really feel like a woman; I don't feel like that's how my body has to be.  I have strong negative feelings toward my male body, but given how it is, I don't think I need or want to make a full MtF transition.  That's an important point for me; you don't have to be either a man or a woman.  You may feel more like both, or neither, or some mixture, or something entirely different.

I'm conflicted about trying to change my body; I can't help but think how much easier the rest of my life would be if I could live with this body.  I'm not sure that I can, though; I've spent so much time thinking about it that my life might have actually been a lot better up to now if I had gone ahead and started seeing a therapist about all of this years ago, and pursued antiandrogens and surgery, which is what I now find myself doing. 

My advice is to think about this deeply and maybe see a therapist now to figure out the best way to go for you.  Once you determine this, don't let other people push you into doing something else because it's "easier" or because it's "natural" or anything like that.

I have been somewhat angry about the clothing differences.

Tweener clothing molests me more than the Catholic Church.  It hates my breasts.  What is dis?  The lady's underware is seemless.  On my Johnson.  They should sell rolls of tape with the underpants in the mens department.  Then ship it all back to the Turkish prisons where it was made.

Heyyy.

Thanks for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it.

I'm back from my holiday, which was fun. However, I made no progress in my situation.
I spent the whole time with boys. They were all talking about girls and how hot they are, their legs, breasts and butts and so on...they bought magazines with girls in lingerie on the front...everytime I saw it, I got excited...my heart skipped a beat...I fantasised about looking like that. Maybe this is another sign? Oh...they way I would look with breasts, and a vagina instead of a penis...arghhh. Wearing the bikini's and lingerie.....

And then again, maybe I become 'sexually excited' when I see these pictures. Maybe I am 'fantasising' about being with these girls, instead of being them...ahhh, my heart skipped a beat when I wrote the words 'being them'. 

I am planning on seeing a therapist as soon as I can, which, I could imagine, will be quite a fair distance off. Oh well, it gives me time to think.

Once again, thank you for your replies.
Feel free to reply once more, if you like.

Love,
Dizzyy.

Abby the crack ya made concerning the Mens underware.............. It cracked me up !!!!!!!! hey have a wonderful day dear ! That was outstanding ! Ellen

Felt the same way when I first started out. I loved shopping for women's clothing. Men's clothing didn't interest me and still doesn't. I'll take a beautiful dress over a suit any day.

Gennee