I definitely go thru the teenage flush when I see a good looking guy.  But guys don't seem to interested in this old teenager. 

And I get to feeling vulnerable if they do seem interested.  So here I sit in front of this stupid computer, chatting to all of you.



Janet

During which we will be as appearance and clothes crazy as the teen girls and get romantic feelings that will confuse us - isn't this the stuff of teen girl magazines?

At least its the dreams of the people who advertise in such mags.  I think that is a stereotype image, one promoted for product sales, that, like most such images, does not match the reality.  For every clothes crazy girl you see in the mall, there are a couple more working hard on what interests them (not boys), and a few more (lots) who perhaps wish they could be at the mall, but they need to work instead.

Quote from: Tasha Elizabeth on November 23, 2009, 09:21:27 AM
arch:  youre not a monster.  although i have called myself worse, its not true. 

kara-xen:  i know what you mean about the being weirded out and feeling vulnerable at times.....my friend tells me "omg you were in special forces for god's sake, and now you are scared of your own shadow!"

Yeah! And I was afraid of the dark for a while as a kid... Like I'd run through it to get back into the house or something if I were alone. With people was different. But I conquered it when I was 16, and would just wander alone ALL over my town at abandoned 3 in the morning... I'd play spy and watch drug deals of rich kids taking palce at the beach club... I'd run from cops JUST FOR FUN cause they thought all teens were up to no good...

And they never caught me.

We'd mess up the golf course every time they would yell at us, "->-bleeped-<-s!" From their carts during the day.

So we had "Man"Hunt, adventures, smoking weed in the middle of nowhere near the train tracks, and looking at the stars on the shack of the abandoned mansion area. Its essentially a plateau next to the beach club that had A. A bomb shelter B. Some of us saw paranormal phenomenon and C. Just a roof is awesome to chill on. There was also a mud pile to jump off the roof to. We played king of the hill and shoot "Psi energy" at each other. Sometimes I feel like it worked, others not.... No time to indulge in these anymore. It was a group of friends that were mostly broken apart...


But the point is is that I never was afraid of the dark at that time. I WAS The dark. I would get so little sleep that I'd go into the bathroom, turn the light off, and let it caress me like a blanket.


So I had to walk home alone after midnight once (I live in a Stepford town believe it or not from what I've just said)... And the short cut path that we would go on to avoid the main road and douchey cops... It was a dark TUNNEL. Pitch black. That sometimes happened in the area. Certain areas of tree cover would do that. So I came to this crossroads, a year on HRT...

And I was too scared to frequent the path I'd ALWAYS taken... The black hole wasn't my thing to swim in... Maybe my male construct just protected me by being a buffer and loving the dark. I got an adrenaline rush that night anyway (Was kicked out of moms house that night after a fit of rage), but the sweet sweet darkness. The poetic thing that maybe even... For all I know... Gave me a melotonin orgasm the second I entered it...


It scares me now again.... I'm a weakling now. An emotionally 14 wimpy, frail girl at my deepest level. Maybe thats cause i like it and want to cherish these feelings... Maybe I know that deep down the scared "Newly hatched" me, neglected and getting ice cream for the first time in her life, metaphorically speaking... She's just gonna turn out like a middle ground between all of my characters and selves anyway. A post apocalyptic, nerdy, anarchistic, hedonistic, dykey, genderqueer person who embraces the inner chaos and angst and more importantly the sweet sweet darkness because it was a part of me to begin with?

People say I overthink myself... But I think I underthink it...

Because a strong mind is a harmonized one. Hence why some people (Like me) do alcohol sometimes, and weed, and love every second of it... Cause I'm me, and no one else. I'm the median between all of them.


So I'm currently afraid of the dark, but speculating if I'll ever have a reunion with its literal shadows, its beauty and its other quantities the way I "taste em" in my brain.

But for now I feel 14... So I'm acting accordingly... Regardless of the amount of hell I'm going through at the moment (Not as bad... But autoimmune is going to suck)... And I want to maybe cherish this angsty, STUPID, evolutionary piece of crap for what it is. Being human is in accepting your weakness and loving it or something dumb like that... And I'd at least like to experience it right? Before gene therapy becomes possible and I escape this family tree, this race, this organism, micro and macrocosm called Mother Earth...

And Not be like Sephiroth, nah... I would probably leave for a while... Dr. Manhattan? Yes. That with tits maybe. Hopefully with the one I love if that ever works out (Hope hope hope hope, yearn, angst explosions)

Guys don't care if you have a boyfriend, they only care if you have about five to seven minutes to spare. 

Quote from: tekla on November 23, 2009, 07:23:23 PM
Guys don't care if you have a boyfriend, they only care if you have about five to seven minutes to spare.

Not ALL Guys... Whoa.

OK, 99% of men.  and hey, a bagel and a cup of coffee for a BJ?  Hell, I'd take that deal any day.  (not on the bagel end though)

What kind of bagel?



Janet

For you, I'd splurge the extra ten cents and get the onion one.

And creme cheese?  Be nice, young man.



Janet

Cream Cheese?  Yah, sure.  Hell, I'll even get you a beer from our special selection in the crew room - long as your going to be there anyway.

Beer?  HUM...........................



Janet

->-bleeped-<-s, Bagels and Beer..... 

Gee, sounds like quite the date..... Your such a charmer 

I always like to put my good points out front, before they get to my personality.

Now if you weren't there or I wasn't here...........................



Janet

I'm not even here, which is sadder.  I'm at work.  Have been for the past 14 days. 

/ life sucks
// checks are great

Ah Poor Baby.  But it is nice to have money. 



Janet

I make about 60% of my annual income between Sept 1 and December 31. Snoop Dogg, Insane Clown Posse, Ray Davis, Hatebreed.  Bring 'em on, I just cash the checks.

HUM......... Coffee, Onion Bagel, Creme Cheese, Beer, Money and gone for four months.  Sounds like a match made in heaven. 



Janet

I have to confess that I never got it either.  What with my sparkling personality and sunny outlook on life why my ex or my current GF hated me being gone for weeks at a time.  Perhaps they didn't trust who I was with.  Who knew that popular entertainers and the crew sluts that follow them hoping against hope to wrap their lips around that all too famous shaft were bad people?

But I learned my lesson.  Use extra money to by GF bling.  It works.

Oh Well it was worth a shot.  I do like bagels and Creme Cheese.



Janet