Well, some of this is for slightly older people, as many places are 21+, but you will be there soon enough, and hey, I went out for the first time when I was 16 (walking in the redwood forest and a picnic out at the ocean.)
First off...I try to dress as a woman of my age, weight and income would dress. Stylish and not exaggerated, nothing that screams out at anyone. I don't know if I "pass" or not and I really I don't even care and it not my intention or goal. I just out being me that's all and if someone has a problem with it, it is really their problem, not mine. So long as I feel gracious and act dignified, I'm cool with myself. I try to take myself seriously, (maybe seriously isn't quite the right word, because I don't mean it in the sense of grave or important - I'm thinking of credible, plausible and really, something more along the lines of legitimate) and find that in order to be taken reasonably I need to first present myself as a reasonable person. In order to lessen the public perception of dressing as some sort of perversion it is necessary to go out in public wearing suitable styles and maintaining a dignified bearing ( i.e. not dressed or acting like a pervert) with gracious manners and pleasant mannerisms. Extolling an attitude of Please and I beg your pardon and even, if necessary, By your leave, and less one of IN YOUR FACE. People often agree to things when nicely asked, that they strongly object to when they are just rudely shoved in their face. Too many people think that manners are only a means of having to beg and plead, and that is not the point, at their best, manners are a method of subtle corrosion that operate under the guise of a social lubricant. People liked to be asked, or even better, to think that its their idea in the first place
For the most part you are free to do it as you wish to be - once you consider the situation and the circumstances. If you want to dress up and go out to a modern techno rock concert in a trendy nightclub you will probably be OK. But think twice about dressing up for Homecoming in College Station - Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State. (Actually think twice about that little slice of life, even dressed as a male, hell – even dressed as a cowboy.)
The worst treatment I get as a general rule is dirty little looks from uptight Christian Right types and I really don't give much thought to what they think anyway. Yeah, I've got a few catcalls, hoots and hollers over the years, but that's no big deal. I've never got into a fight, or arrested or anything bad. So I guess that the worst part of all this is what? Potential embarrassment? A few people don't much care for it, and might even call you on it? OK, so what? They probably voted a straight Republican ticket and I'm not too wild about that - heck, I'm not all that thrilled about Democrats either these days.
As long as you do no harm, you should free to feel about it as you wish. But that does not necessarily imply that everyone is going to get up and cheer for you or start a national holiday to celebrate the wonder that is you. To expect society to change (which it is always doing anyway) on this point is shallow, superficial and particularly self-absorbed. Besides, what the ->-bleeped-<- is this "Society" thing anyway? No "society" ever showed up on my door to tell me a damn thing. For the most part, I think "society" is really the voice of your parents and yourself. Clear that up and you will find, as you have, that "society" doesn't have as much of a problem with this as you think.
So,about about going out. I would like to actively encourage more gendered people to go out.
Done well, it will help bring an ever increasing public expression to the gender variance community which, in turn, would increases freedom and acceptance for us all. So whether you want to just need to get out of the house, or more fully and completely express yourself, or whether you want to meet people (How else do you meet girls who like Tgirls and dressers?), going out is the first step. And I know that that first step out is a long, hard and very challenging one to take also.
I would like to begin by stating that everything I have received and learned as a direct result of my going out in public as a Tgirl has been very positive for me, for my life, and to a lesser degree, for the people I meet. Few things I have ever done have had the profound personal ramifications on my own notions about freedom and empowerment than going public. It helped me feel better about myself by easing the stress and tension that the constant hiding, sneaking, lying and deceit entailed. I also think that it helps us normalize ourselves in the world. But, and this is a real big but . . .I have found that being out is a life changing activity, and like all such deals, should only be done after some thoughts have been given to it.
To begin with, I think that the first thing that happened when I started going out was that it started to change the entire complexion of my dressing virtually overnight. In my room, dressing had always been a very private and secret thing, fixing more or less on certain items and not focused on the full and total deal that public presentation requires. I began to think beyond the fantasies - those looks I dreamed of - and had to think about and pay more attention to what looked good on me. I also had to start to think about how I was wearing it, as opposed to just thinking about having it on. Like the tears the Velveteen Rabbit cried, going out dressed made it all real.
I found out, quite rapidly in fact, that the world was in fact far different than as a dresser I had imagined it to be. This was very true in two separate and very different ways. First, most Tgirls are not going to meet you like some long lost sister. Often the coldest reception I have ever received has been from other Tgirls. Funny huh? Now I'll admit that a lot of this happened in the bad old days when the only place a Tgirl could go was to the rotten bars, which tended to be heavy on the prostitutes, or the gay bars, which were safe, but often, not particularly friendly. This has changed a lot in the last ten years, and the last 5 in particular, now that there are a lot more of us out and about, and that has worked to destroy some of the old cliquey nature of the gay drag queen scene. But if you are going to a "safe," or Tgirl "friendly" place, just remember that it might not mean that you will be outrageously welcomed or anything. It just means that you are free to be there, and just being there is not necessarily enough. All relationships take time, and we might have an extra little hurdle there since to a large degree we are making it up as we go. So give it the time and effort it requires and don't hope for too much too fast, that's all. Just something to keep in mind before you hit the door.
Second, most people don't care. And that point is the big one, and the one I would like to go into a bit more. The world at large is indeed a very blasé place anymore, particularly in big cities. No one really cares about you because everyone in this day and age has other places to go, other people to meet, and other things to do. They are just too busy and absorbed in their life to really interfere in your life or worry about you. We all know that's true in our everyday life, and as it turns out, the world does not change when you put a dress on, but what does change is your perception of it. Dressing changes you, not the rest of the world. The closest I could come to explaining what its like going out for that first bunch of times is to compare it to acid, or combat. Either way that intense sensation where you are in a hyper-perceptive state, you notice things in a way, a depth, a texture that you are not normally aware of. But this is a changing of your perceptions and notions, and not any big change in the world at large. The world is the same, even if you notice it differently. So the important thing then is not how the world regards you, but rather, how you regard the world. The key component turns out to be what you project out to the world. In other words, you dictate to the world who you are and how you want to be taken.
I have always found that secrecy, stealth and the like act to exclude people rather than working to include them. To this end, I feel that public dressing without passing is the first real step on the way to a more tolerant public in general. More to the point, I think that dressing without passing is something that works to raise appreciation, rather than apprehension, about us Tgirls. People tend to deal with you on the level you meet them. Now this is not always true so don't let this stand as some sort of invitation to reckless living, but the real trouble with worrying passing is, that aside from not fooling everyone, the ones you don't fool, still feel somehow deceived. If they feel that way (and everyone is equally entitled to feel how ever they want) then it is more often than not, because your initial approach was one of stealth and secrecy. People notice "sneaking" and no one really likes it. So don't do it.
Why? Because everyone has a little touch of paranoia in them, and in trying to pass, you have only succeeded in making them feel uneasy, defensive and apprehensive. They have every right to do so, after all, this was the approach you choose. Not understanding "the much bigger point" - and no one has time to give detailed psychological and sociological arguments in brief social situations - most people will naturally feel that you are trying to fool them, and nobody likes to play the fool. So it is only natural that they view you with suspicion and hostility. Public acceptance is not a one-way street. We must be willing and able to attempt to meet people where they are, rather than insisting that they must come to our plane, which by the way, they probably don't want to do.
What bothers me most about it is just this. That what we seek when we try to pass, is, in fact, to come off as something else - something we are not. And this occurs at the expense of expressing what we really are - which is allegedly why we do this in the first place. So why is that we seek to be taken as real women, which we are not, and not as Tgirls, which we are?
For my part, I have come to understand that I want people to know I'm a Tgirl. I'm out being me, and this is just part of who I am.
So now, (DRUMROLL PLEASE), here are Kat's little rules for going out and about. (at least all the ones I've thought of so far). Now I can't do anything about the problems of being caught by your wife, or by someone you know, or by your boss or anything like that. That problem varies too much from person to person to address it very well in this forum, aside from pointing out that you can go to the next town or big city, where they do not know you from Eve. But there are several things I've learned about going out that might make it a bit easier, if nothing else you need not repeat my mistakes, so let me pass those on.
Learn to think like a woman
- because any place that would be real unsafe for you, would also most likely be unsafe for any single woman there also. And that is about the most single basic rule I can think of. Now most of this is stuff real girls know, the dark side stuff beyond frills and lace, the stuff that deals with being personally safe in a very unsafe world. One where you can not always defend yourself, and so the best choice is always to avoid the problem in the first place. You become a girl not with the panties, or the bra, or the perfume, but with that very real fear that verges on paranoia that accompanies you out the door.
Plain, Simple and Expensive
- First, as we all know from day to day life, that clothes make the man and the women, and people deal with us in part because of what we wear. (I'm not saying this is good or bad, it just is.) As someone who wears very good suits, and also spends a lot of time in jeans, T-shirt and black leather jacket knows full well, I get treated one way in the suit and a different way in black leather. Same with going out dressed. The first real big and way too obvious mistake that Tgirls make comes from overdoing it. I try not to think of what I'm going to wear as "femme" or "pretty" or anything like that – a dress or skirt is fem and pretty period, and I let it go at that. Instead I think of what a woman of my age and income would wear to what ever it is I'm going to do. I try to favor chaste over slut, because that is what all good moms teach their daughters to do. In other words, I try to pay close attention to what real girls actually wear in the place where I'm going to go to. So I'm more casual if I'm going out to a big shopping mall in the middle of the day, and I would try to wear something more classic, prim, and proper if I'm going to a string quartet, and I would wear my best hippie gauze ankle length skirt 'n Indian stuff to go see Dylan or Dead offshoots. I try to avoid extreme styles and/or fetish expressions - like garter belts for example - when I'm out in public. I want to be seen in clothes that are good, clean and in the style of the current fashion. Nothing that fits poorly, and no Salvation Army stuff. Few enough women can wear that super funky thrift shop cick style as it is. In terms of styles, jewelry, and makeup remember that less is more. Girls often speak of a "point system" for jewlery, with the end goal being not exceeding 7 or 8 points. I don't really remember how its scored, but if you have on diamond stud earings its worth like 2 points, but the big, gaudy, hanging down to your shoulder stuff is more like 4. A watch is one, A diamond tennis bracelet is close to 5. The idea is that less is more, and after a certain point all you are doing is standing out by drawing attention to and overley gauche display of baubbles. For myself I perfer simple earrings, frequently studs, a simple little necklace and a diamond tennis bracelet. Nothing that stands out, but very little that looks cheap or tacky.
My friend DeeDee uses the term "Postive Presentation" and I really like that thought. My goal is to blend in and merge, and not necessary to pass, and I find that a simple, basic look, well done does just that. I figgure that a guy in a dress and a skirt is more than enough, why overdo it? I will go into this a bit more in a sec, but I would like to stress that I do try to keep it positive, both for me, as well as all I encounter. And try to think of it as a type of "Presentation" too. You are
Hide in Plain Sight
– But while I do not try to pass, I do try to blend in. Not pass, but merge and mingle and just be a part of it all. I do not want to stand out or pull focus to myself. But I do not want to be invisible either. In the great wide world I just want to, in the words of Babba Ram Dass, to Be Here Now. I seek to move through gently, easily, and peacefully through where ever I am. I just figure that people who look close will always notice, and a lot of sly smiles and the occasional scowl will tell you that this is true. So I just I try to be able to be there without calling attention to myself.
In terms of places to go I have found that the brighter, the more heavily populated, the more specially open anyplace is, the better it is. I think that the safest place to be is in the middle of the big downtown shopping areas like State Street in Chicago, or 5th Ave in New York at high noon. Yes, more people will see you, and more people will notice you, but they are also much less likely to do anything about it either. These are places filled with busy people with busy lives. The real fact is the more people there are, the more open and public the place is, the more that is going on there, then the safer you are going to be. Period.
Big problems happen in closed spaces and dark places. So avoid them. And I know that is not as easy as its sounds. First, the stealth and secrecy that many of us build into our lives naturally leads to seeking out things on the dimmer edge of life, the stuff the exists in the shadows because that is where we think we belong and because we have a mistaken idea that somehow being dark and anonymous is equivalent to safety. That tends to be true only in as much as you are living a secret. If discovery is not a problem then you do not need such places.
Think about this when parking in particular. I prefer to walk two or three blocks through a busy area in order to park on the street, under a light, and in front of a business, then to have to use that little spot in the alley where you can get to the club or whatever without being seen, which is, all too often, the favorite spot of Tgirls. Remember, if no one can see you going in and out, no one can see anything else happen either. This goes double and triple for big, huge, urban parking structures, about the only place I worry about being in anymore.
Arty, upscale and educated is better
- It is not my goal to start some form of class warfare, but here it is. And since the greatest control you have is the choice of where to go, then this makes sense from the standpoint of attempting to minimize the chances for contact with disagreeable, unpleasant, and uptight people. The more expensive, upscale, chic, trendy, haute couture, and highly educated the place and/or the event is, the better you will be received there - or, at the very least, the fewer hassles you will encounter. First off, people with a lot to lose tend not to do real stupid things, or at the very least, they avoid doing it in public. And, as its true that ignorance breeds intolerance, affluence and education tend to be more open and less put off by the whole gender deal, or at the very least, they are people who don't care about it one way or the other. In some cases they may even be very accepting of it because its such a trendy issue within the modernist debate.
This tends to work out as true pretty much across the board I've found out. Not surprisingly, they are also more "female" oriented shops and places and not "guy hangouts." If your going out to the mall, go to the expensive, upscale ones, and not the local bargain center. I find that I get treated better in very good department stores like Macy's and Bloomingdale's than I do at Target, Big K, or Wall Mart. I find that for myself, that art events and artistic spaces - concerts, art galleries, art museums and the like - are better than more "blue collar" places and sporting events. Chic restaurants, left-wing / boho coffee houses, and trendy clubs are better than chain food outlets and for god's sake, do stay away from so-called "family" places like Denny's. Other good places for me seem to be bookstores - particularly the big used / out-of-print / academic book stores, I can spend hours in a store like that (regardless of what I'm wearing). Furniture stores, antique stores, kitchen and housewear stores like Williams-Sonoma have also been very open and friendly places to me also. Not surprisingly you don't find many intolerant rednecks in a place where the cheapest thing they sell is a spatula, and they want 11 bucks for that as it is.
Just think about this for a second. I know a few Tgirls in Europe who go out dressed to Grand Prix races on the continent. Now Grand Prix racing has always had that real snotty, sports car, rich playboy, Eurotrash atmosphere. Its a form of racing that seems to have more in common with art exhibits and wine and cheese parties than grease, gears, and oil. These girls love going to the races, and don't seem to run into any more problems than usual at these events. Now, here in the States, NASCAR is real big, but that's stock cars, not sports cars, beer and not brie, and not anyplace I would think of going dressed. Now a lot of that has to do with a couple of basic differences between life in Europe and life in the USA, but there is more than enough of and illustration of the above point to make it worth telling anyway.
There is another strange corollary to this I have found, and that is younger tends to be much better than older. People under 25 or so look upon dressing in a very different way than people over 35 do. They are much more open to it, accepting of it, and even at times, encouraging. Which of course, is ever so sweet and dear. So outside of the "safe" places, drag bars and GirlBars, I have found that techno clubs and raves are very cool places to go dressed. This may be because I feel so comfortable around kids in the 18-28 age range, but I think that there has been a sea change in their generations attitude toward gender and it comes through strongly in techno/rave culture, which, not coincidentally, tends to be the more educated and affluent segment of that age group. I have gone to a pile of raves and even to several techno concerts - including Chemical Brothers, Crystal Method and Lords of Acid - dressed. I feel good about doing this because I feel so at ease in the midst of that particular crowd, both the boys and the girls. Just bring good earplugs and don't drink from any open bottles, in that they are a lot like the Acid Tests and Grateful Dead shows.
Be Safe
- In some ways this is an extension on the above two, but it deserves its own separate section. Now first of all, I want you to notice that I did not list it as number one either. I think that safety is important, but tends to be over-rated. Scout places out, go there in drab, or go early if in drag for the first time. That way you can get a general feel for the place, and you can watch the crowd build and spot potential problems before they arise. I've gone to several places only to watch people start to show up and decide that they are not the folks that I want to spend the rest of the evening with. If you go early you can see this happen before a problem arises, and still have plenty of time to go somewhere else. People in espionage have two basic rules. One, is the "hide in plain sight" rule above, and the other is simply stated by saying "never walk into anyplace till you know how you are going to walk out." Both seem to be good ideas to keep in mind as we go out to be spies in the house of love.
Attitude is everything!
- Few things are more important in your public presentation than your attitude. So first take stock of your attitude toward yourself, who you are, who you want to be, and what you are doing. Stand up straight, be proud, push the wig back on your forehead rather than using it to cover your face, don't slouch (I'm sounding like your mom now he?). You need to be confident (even if your are not, remember most confident people aren't - they have just learned to project it stronger - make that an integral part of your femme persona if its not already natural to you). Do not look embarrassed. Do not act afraid or sneaky. Meet other people square in their eyes, rather than averting your gaze, or staring at the ground. Smile pleasantly. Be strong in who you are, and be empowered by what you are doing.
Attitude regarding others: Be polite, gracious, warm and sensitive to everyone you meet when you are out. Even if you have to fake it, even if you have to force yourself to do it. All the stuff about being a "credit to your people," and being a positive example to others comes into play here. You might be the first Tgirl that some people meet, you might be the only one they ever meet, and as unfair as it is, they will judge all or most of us Tgirls by how they feel about you. In this sense you are a spokesperson for all of us, and that is not to lay some heavy burden on you, but rather to empower you to be positive to all, and feel good in the new trail you are blazing for all of us. I enjoy this aspect of my life a lot, and I like to go out and spend the evening explaining and illuminating my ideas and understandings about gender variance, dressing and my life to someone who has never really encountered it before.
Which leads to the number one question of all time when it comes to going out. What bathroom do you use? Good question, and it deserves a better answer than . . . "Depends," (and no, not the product!) But that is about as good as I can do right now. A whole lot of positive attitude on your part combined with a basic respect for other peoples feelings and comfort levels will go a long way toward getting the minimal amount of slack you need so I play it by ear and observe what others are doing. Also, if you don't drink, you don't need to go as much. I also try to find ALL the bathrooms at the beginning of the night and seek out the smaller and more out of the way one if that is an option. This is a strange area because there are legal ramifications involved in many areas, including indecent exposure." At big dance clubs in the big cities, particularly if there is a mixed audience, I will use the woman's room. I also use the woman's room in the stranger, freaky places that exist on the fringe in the deep shadows of the modern underworld, the places in New York and Chicago. If there is a real question or any doubt I will use the men's room. Since I'm a guy – remember, I'm not trying to pass, so this is obvious – I just find that it is easier in most cases to go this way. Men are far more used to seeing women in the men's room than women are used to seeing men in the lady's room. Do use the stall in men's rooms though. I also will not fix my makeup in the men's room, I mean, why push it. If I feel comfortable enough to use the women's room, then I always feel at ease enough to do my makeup there as well. Unisex bathrooms make all the difference here and we need a lot more of them if you ask me. Do remember though as many of the "safe" and "friendly" places that have opened up are primarily lesbian bars you should always uses the boys room there. It a whole big political deal, too big to go into here. All you have to remember is that basic rule of GirlBars. Now I happen to think that the Lesbian Community is a lot more accepting of gender variance experience than the gay male community has been, and so I'm very happy to follow their rule and to try to accommodate myself to their comfort levels. Other than that, the GirlBars I've been into have been great, and they are a good first place to start going out to.
Do not forget your sense of humor
---- Most importantly be sure to fill your humor reservoir to the brim. It makes others feel at ease. Its not a matter of degrading yourself, or allowing yourself to become a target or the butt of jokes, but if your overall demeanor is reflecting a person who is aware of both themselves and their surroundings that will allow others to feel at ease with you. Humor is crucial to this. Your sense of humor will allow the people you deal with to acknowledge the humor that they see and feel, and that helps them to them that can be a great relief of tension. We are taught that it is very impolite to laugh at other people, and it is. The exception occurs when we feel that a certain level of permission has been granted, like a standup comedian. So let people know it's all right to see the humor in yourself and what you are doing. They feel bad for bottling it up, and will feel much better if you in essence give them permission to release it. It is also a way to share the experience with others in a positive manner. After all, it is a little bit funny if you think about it, and if you allow people to express the humor, they might not sublimate it into other, much less positive, feelings that they are also experiencing, and which society tells them are more applicable in the situation anyway. A gentle good humor that demonstrates that you understand their initial inclination to, if not laugh out loud, at least giggle or tee hee a little bit. Accept that it is a little bit funny, and that a little bit funny is better than weird, sick, or perverted by miles and miles, if only because humor can be more easily dealt with.
DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE
Come to think about it, don't drink at all. First off, I think that the nerves you feel when you go out the first few times, tend to encourage you to drink way too much. I've watched it happen a lot, and went through it myself at first. And, what starts out as a "just this time" quickly becomes the pattern and the usual course of events. I think that out of all the common place problems that arise when you are out dressed, being arrested by the police is the most feared, and the number one reason that many people are afraid to go out at all. And hey, why not, I don't think that any of us are thrilled about being arrested regardless of how we are dressed. So it sure stands to reason that if we are out and about in our best girl stuff then it takes on a whole new dimension. And while I'm quite sure that most major police departments have taken efforts to educate their officers about gender issues, and while most of the older statutes that made dressing illegal have been eclipsed (check in your area for yourself though) I'm equally sure that the same police have a heightened sensitivity to drinking and driving. They do not like it, and they love to arrest people for it. The way around the problem is simple, don't drink. Also, I think it does pay to have your wits about you when you are out in the world dressed in your Sunday (or Saturday Night) best. Probably should at all times anyway, but in particular when you are dressed. Just makes it easier to deal with people, and puts you at less risk also because you are in control of yourself, and hence, the situation in general.
Start simple, start small, and try to find someone else to go with
. (I put this in for my good friend, Lillyjill, who encourages people to try this route first, and who am I to differ with her, even if I do go most places by myself. I do that largely because I feel that one Tgirl blends in better than two.) Gender groups, like Tri-Ess, Renascence and a host of local groups have meetings in safe locations, frequently offering places to change clothes even. Many of the larger groups host weekend events like Southern Comfort, that offer a safe hotel and planned group activities. Many people begin to venture out of their house for the first time for these events, and if for not other reason they are pretty good for just providing that opportunity.
