I tried to bite my tongue here, especially when the cavalry arrived given that it's very easy to sound defensive but let me just make a couple of observations:

First, how on earth anyone could read the OP and come away thinking "this person is too optimistic" is pretty darned strange to me.

I wrote the post BECAUSE I could see the possibility of a negative outcome and I get replies telling me, essentially, "of course you are going to get a negative outcome"

The idea here is just to say "man it hurts" not to be told I'm somehow deluded. One can EASILY "plan for the worst" on an intellectual basis and STILL say "damn it hurts" when the worst happens.

It's not that "plan for the worst" is bad advice - on the contrary it's EXCELLENT advice. The problem is, when a friend comes to you and says "this thing (whatever it is) is tearing me up inside" that's NOT the time when you start proving how you have all the right answers.  They didn't come asking for answers.

I sometimes think that some of us (myself included on some occasions perhaps) are so bound up in showing how many answers we know that we throw them out even when there's no question.

Second, the object in my chosen method of handling my relationship is to keep as many options open as long as possible. I don't think I'm the only one who's ever made a decision before I had to and then found out later that doing so had foreclosed an alternative that in hindsight would have worked out better.

I don't see why (good) advice like "be ready for the worst" necessarily translates to "run headlong and embrace the worst option as fast as you can"

Even if I'm going to arrive at an outcome I don't like, there are still alternatives ways to reach that conclusion

(to wit: one can be divorced from a person who remains your friend and be on good terms as co-operating parners in the parenting job - OR one can be totally alienated from an ex who hates you and both are a source of years of anger and bitterness for the other...even though the divorce is the "bad outcome" it doesn't have to be the "worst" divorce either)

Haste to accept the "inevitability" of the separation will almost certainly make things worse. IMHO.

Very eloquently put, Laura!

-Sandy

Hugs Laura.  I know it is hard for you, having been there myself.  I can only be here as a sister and a shoulder to cry on. 

You may remain together, it does happen.  I can only pray for both of you.



Janet

Quote from: Laura Hope on November 27, 2009, 05:01:40 PM
First, how on earth anyone could read the OP and come away thinking "this person is too optimistic" is pretty darned strange to me.

I honestly think that most people need to read more carefully. They often read in what they want to see or what they think is there instead of what's actually on the page.

Quote from: Laura Hope on November 27, 2009, 05:01:40 PM
It's not that "plan for the worst" is bad advice - on the contrary it's EXCELLENT advice. The problem is, when a friend comes to you and says "this thing (whatever it is) is tearing me up inside" that's NOT the time when you start proving how you have all the right answers.  They didn't come asking for answers.

Exactly.

It's pretty much inevitable that you will get some advice that you didn't want--even if you specifically said you didn't want any. But there is a big difference between a rant/vent/expression of emotion and a request for advice.

Quote from: Laura Hope on November 27, 2009, 05:01:40 PM
Haste to accept the "inevitability" of the separation will almost certainly make things worse. IMHO.

If we all did this, then NO relationships would survive transition. And some do.

You go, girl.

I think,like most fo us, that we will remain the same person. In our mind that is true. All of the poeple who know you say no. You can not be the same person I know that person is a brother, father, husband, son... Now you are saying You want be be a WOMAN. I don't know that person.
No one said life is easy. Making choices like this is very heart breaking for all involved. I wish you the very best.
thinking of you
Sarah

Personally, I think books are the solution to any problem.

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser (2003) - Helen Boyd * Amazon * WorldCat

While this is more geared to wives dealing with crossdressers, I still feel that it is the best for SO's feelings.
Maybe your wife could read it? Feeling justified in being angry might help her through to the other side.

One of the problems she has coping is this whole concept of "sides"

If "non-believers" (in ->-bleeped-<-) have a conversation with her, they are all of course of the opinion that I need to "straighten up" and quit acting a fool. I'm not taking any position against her talking to those folks if she wants to because I think she needs SOME outlet to talk, even if it's just an amen choir.

BUT

If she has the chance to talk to a therapist or anyone else who's relatively supportive of my choice, then she sees no value in talking to them because "they are just on my side anyway"

I think pretty much any input she gets is going to be filtered like that - input which is designed to equip her to live with the new paradigm is, by definition, unhelpful because she really doesn't want to have to live with it.

Still, we had a pretty decent holiday weekend with a lot less drama than we'd had lately so....

I dunno.

One day at a time, hun.  One day at a time.

- Kate

"Time heals all wounds"
As Kate said one day at a time
Sarah