Hi, I am faced with an astonishing observation. I am a genetic male who like most of us CD,TG have a dual brain, male and female side by side. Growing up my female in me was suppressed and only occasionally I allowed it to surface and enjoy femininity. Lately though, I have embraced my female entirely(even though in the closet still)and allowed much more time for her. And here it is, as a man living my entire life I never had any desire or paid attention to being beautiful, just a regular grooming without need to look better than average or even below average, it just didn't matter. But as a female, Oh Girl, the desire to be astonishingly beautiful is overwhelming, thin, but not too thin, body of perfect proportion, long legs Oh god give me long legs and I will go to church every Sunday (in beautiful high heels of course), face of an angel. Well I hate to say it but NONE of Above Applies to my description. But rather not focusing on my short comings as a woman, I want to know what is it that makes me suddenly so focused on vanity when in my female brain, also I wonder is it just me?

Your message seems very fantastic to me. I think I am rather realistic regarding my crossdressing, although I wish what you said.

I can say that you are not alone.

Barbie~~

Hi Barbie, perhaps it seems that we can not generalize personal feelings into one aspect or another. Tell me what do you feel when in the Girl mode, is it in any way different from your usual default male? Looking at your pick I seem to understand your easy approach to this subject because you do not need to wish for beauty and femininity, you already have it all, if I did not know I would say you are genetic woman.

Quote from: alexia elliot on November 28, 2009, 11:47:31 AM
I hate to say it but NONE of above applies to my description. But rather not focusing on my short comings as a woman, I want to know what is it that makes me suddenly so focused on vanity when in my female brain, also I wonder is it just me?

I am also of the type that would not pass as a woman, no matter what the makeup or dress.  Too tall, too deep of voice.  However, that does not stop me from dressing in private- in my mind, only I can overlook the obvious shortcomings in my appearance as a woman.  I then carefully attend to every detail; the makeup, the wig, the jewelry, the outfit- much more than I do as a man.  You are not alone in this.

Rose

Hey Rose, I will tell you a little secret, I have been on Natural Hormones for past 6 months and good diet, I suppose the best description is "calorie restriction". Even though, I am pretty muscular, manly type, I have been able to change. I am not exercising beside the usual lots of walking, with this regimen I am loosing weight slowly which is within healthy guidelines and of course with that goes muscle mass, but that's exactly my intention. I do not know exactly how far I am going to be able to take this without becoming bulimic, but will take it as far as health will allow, I feel great. Hormones  are doing wonders, being of natural origin the risks are minimal( personal observation based on individual research) Skin, facial features, even mood are must say, pleasant. Besides one side effect, Chick Flicks and said movies-cries like a Girl, everything is a O.K. So far I am able to keep it at bay, Changes are so slow that my family doesn't pick on it except my kids now prefer me with the rugged beard on (never before an issue). I am at the cross roads of direction of life, I have all my life been definitely feminine, but kept on pushing mans life forward until now. I've had it, it may be my age or else, I have to come to terms with ME, yes, I am a crossdresser on hormones, I even might be a ->-bleeped-<-, transgendered. I don't know why the word ->-bleeped-<- sends shivers down my spine, something about that word is so unpleasant, plastic, vulgar, weird. Transgender is much better. I don't know however if I am truly all the way to the other side. For instance, I don't think I would enjoy sex with the manly or for sake of argument any man( unless very feminine transgender man, maybe?) I still love woman, their angelic skin, curves which boil my envy, their softness and vulnerability. I never had a chance and guts to live as female for a while, I don't know if I could although, in my dreams and in my mind I believe it would be heavenly. Pass-ability is of a most crucial ingredient. I believe almost all transitions resulting in aggravation and aggression from family and friends have to do with degree of pass-ability. Most passable should get an easier treatment as suppose to those least passable. It only makes sense to me, where we live in the world based on visual stimulus. I might be wrong, but I am heading towards the cliff of ->-bleeped-<- and might not pack big enough parachute. 

I think some people never get a good the opportunity to integrate their selves, keeping the fem compartmentalised from the masculine. It has always facinated how some crossdressers sort of put on a female name, and decribe their fem self in the third person. I think this is ok if it works for you, but I get the feeling some people would be much better off if they homogenised. Instead of having a secret self you just become yourself in your entirety. But then I could be wrong, maybe it is something that will always be compartmentalised for some. As it is I think you could do with space to explore this side of yourself.

I've never had a 'dual brain', though early on in the piece as I was figuring things out I did have noticable swings of feeling more or less fem. But as it is now I am just me all the time, 24/7. I think there is a mistake in thinking our brains can only be one of two states i.e. male or female. There is plenty of grey to play with. Maybe this is where integration come in.

I personally think you are headed for a car crash by taking hormones and not telling the family about it. Certainly it is exciting and you are loving exploring this side of yourself but ultimately you will have moved so far along that it may be difficult for the family to catch up. It is easy to become rather narcissistic, lots of us fall into this kind of thinking. You are currently on borrowed time. If you hope to remain on good terms, have a chance of keeping your relationships with your family and partner I strongly advise you start talking about this. These are high stakes. A therapist could help you with this revalation.

I think you are wrong in thinking passability has anything to do with family aggravation. I think that is the narcissist talking. Aggrivation is more likely to come from personal beliefs, lack of communication, degree of betrayal, how hidden it has been, and how it was revealed. I think for a wife who is heterosexual (or not), being confronted with their partner as a passable female, the man they love in their masculinity, would be a totally shocking thing. Better to build them up as an ally, take them on the journey with you, move at a pace they are comfortable with.

Hi Nicky, thanks for your perspective, it is so encouraging to have voices of experience whisper good advice. I am still trying to find my self, I guess when taking under consideration what you say about one self and not separate male and female, I still am not sure where I stand. I believe duality of my conscious mind started out of necessity as a young boy to remain undiscovered, because consequences at the time and place of my youth were severe. As to reveal of my femininity and pursued direction (whenever that direction becomes clear) to my family especially my wife is rather unobtainable at best. She is not accepting of this sort, never was and I have been married to her for longer than some of this forums members age, saying that I KNOW it will not fly. I am OK with that! I have given all I got to this point, and I will not regret what ever future will bring, I am not ready for the reveal simply because I am not sure of road ahead of me. Selfish you say, it might be so, I accept that. I think that time has come for me to selfishly seek ME whoever that might be. I really enjoy this conversation with you, I am tapping into realities I wasn't aware of.

I'm glad you took my comments well. I was wondering if I was a bit blunt. But I felt it needed to be said.

I think the fact you are prepared to risk all reflects your depth of need and feeling. But, if there is a slim chance that you can come out of this with family intact I think it is worth taking. People sometimes surprise us, even those we know really well. My wife struggled initially, it was freaky for her just to see I owned womens shoes and had me hide them away. Now I dress openly in womens clothing pretty much full time and she copes really well.

I guess at some point you will need to decide whether you give your wife the choice or make it for her i.e. leave. It may not come down to that, you might find you can find happyness in expressing your secret self on occassion. But considering the hormones and how you feel right on them my guess is at some stage this living in secret will become too much of a cage. In some ways leaving releases you. I don't know what the greater struggle is - leaving your family or working to keep it together. Maybe it is selfish not to at least give keeping things together a shot . I suspect if you do want to give it a shot it is better to take them with you on your journey of self discovery, and be open about the fact that it could lead to speration. "I don't know, but I need room to find out"

Being transgendered is a selfish thing. I'm not sure it can be any other way. I feel guilty about it still. But I think you have a right to find who yourself is and express it.

I wish you all the luck!

Thanks, I at least feel free, for now, here. It is wonderful to be able to chat with like minded friends who understand and look beyond facade sometimes uncovering deeper realm. I suppose, a therapy for free.
Love, Alexia.

Quote from: alexia elliot on November 30, 2009, 11:28:02 AM
Hi Barbie, perhaps it seems that we can not generalize personal feelings into one aspect or another. Tell me what do you feel when in the Girl mode, is it in any way different from your usual default male? Looking at your pick I seem to understand your easy approach to this subject because you do not need to wish for beauty and femininity, you already have it all, if I did not know I would say you are genetic woman.

Alexia,

In my case, my wife has been rather indifferent to my crossdressing. She initially chose and purchased heels and skirts for me. She still sometimes givers her own new clothes to me, if they are too big for her. In my closet, there are thongs, bras, stockings and etc, which all of my family can easily see. Nowadays, all of my family are indifferent to my fashion items and underwears.

The problem is her friends and female neighbors who like to chat with her regarding me. They ask her like "how you can live with him?" Sometimes my wife becomes upset, replying like "so you are going to support me financially if I am divorced from him?" "Can you be responsible what you said?" It is not their business, but people here like to talking about it. My son also has faced the same problem.

Nowadays, still some people mention on my crossdressing, and tries to advise me on that issue. They have no clue on how many times I have got the same question and how much I am tired of answering it. Nevertheless, I tend to just listen what they say.

I do not wear heels, tights or skirts at my workplace or with my family, although I sometimes did wear them with my family. When I go out alone or meet my old friends, I wear heels and other stuffs.

Some old women in the street or local market try to speak to me by calling my as a young lady. Some of them ask me whether I am a man or a woman. I can tell whether they recognize me as a man or a woman by looking their eyes. If those women recognize  me as a woman, they do not avoid my eyes, continuing to study my face and body. Otherwise, they avoid my eye.

When they recognize me as a woman, my mind become very feminine. At my work place and home with my family, I am rather aggressive and become a typical dad. Still, I think I am rather feminine in personality compared with other men.

Barbie~~

Hi Barbie, I guess people are stereotypical anywhere and everywhere, except for your spouse whose understanding and furthermore somewhat encouraging behavior is a jewel among rocks. It is exceptional to have such understanding and to me it only resides in my dreams. However like you say if it doesn't come from your wife it comes from somewhere else, I can not shake the feeling and label of a "FREAK of Nature" which, lets face it, to our time society that is what we are. Long gone civilizations had somewhat different perspective on the subject such as American Indians, to whom femininity in male was not a detriment but rather useful societal treat (based on historical studies-god only knows where the truth is). I can see your ease of crossdressing with such supportive friend. It just becomes YOU further enforced and validated by your loved one.

Hi, Alexia,

It's Friday night. During this week, I did not wear anything apprently feminine. Just plain clothes as I was rather busy at my workplace. I tend to become slightly depressed when I can not wear very feminine fashion items because of work or my family. When I can try and be interested in fashion, I become rather excited and cheerful. Wearing heels or skirts during weekend is a kind of spice to my life.

Last sunday, at a luxurious department, I noticed a young lady who wore very colorful winter miniskirt and sweater. The skirt looked so sexy to my eyes. She also wore brown 4 or 5-inch pumps. Her waist line was so slim, and long hairs. I just wished to wear like her, but her fasion items looked so much expensive and I may not afford the expense.

During this weekend, I may not have any chance to go out in full dress as I will be busy doing my family stuffs.

A most important factor in crossdressing would be your family. Fortunately, my dad seemed to give up pursuading me any more. My mother in law, too. Most of my colleagues in work place just ask me to tie my hairs to make a ponytail. If they ask more, I threat them that I will wear a miniskirt next day  I just once wore heels under bootcut jeans at my workplace, but wore frequently athletic tights.

Barbie~~

I saw "The Devil Wears Prada" the other week and wished I could suddenly acquire mass amounts of "to die for" clothing! My thing is the stage of transition in my life. I don't know too much about crossdressing but I feel as you age and you feel a constant need to become female then you have crossed over to a different level. My thing was I've always felt female. I just lived in a household where my older brothers and sisters criticism of GLBT things wrecked havoc on my self-esteem. I suppressed these feelings out of fear. It was also a school thing as the TGs would get picked on and belittled. I'm pretty much past it but feel it will still sting when I get giggled at by a group of GGs or get sir'd on the telephone.

I've made a pretty firm decision to make a meeting with my folks and tell them I will be living female (conservatively attired and no flaming queen type definitely) and that is the route I am heading down. This would mean telling them I'm going to be spending time getting the hair done, nails somtimes, etc. I already buy makeup in front of them and talk about guys so I think they'll take it well. I just feel an explanation would be in order here.

It would do wonders for me- self-esteem and presentation wise- that I mean business and have the desire to succeed if I continue to be who I am. Might be a little off topic but threw this post in anyway Have a good Saturday!

Hi Mia, I too loved the movie, Anne Hathaway is sooooo beautiful I wish, Oh well....   I understand your frustration with inability early on to be your self, I too had to suppress my female in me because of the environment. But as I discovered the more I tried to dismiss my femininity the more it became inflated and made me depressed. As I grew older I realize how focused we are on what world outside of us thinks rather than what is within us. However, we also need to be accepted, a paradox which makes our lives so complex. I am glad of your decision and wish you well, Love, Alexia.

Quote from: barbie on December 04, 2009, 08:59:21 AMDuring this week, I did not wear anything apprently feminine. Just plain clothes as I was rather busy at my workplace. I tend to become slightly depressed when I can not wear very feminine fashion items because of work or my family.

I understand where you are coming from.  While I do confine my dressing to the weekends, there are plenty of times that I can't attend to the other daily feminie activites that I also relish, like shaving, doing my nails, etc.  Many weekends are also filled up with committments that I can not spend a morning, afternoon, or evening dressing up as I like, spending time as myself, Rose.  I make do with the usual assortment of hidden clothing at work or at home, and reassure myself that I am still there when I feel the tops of my stockings through the lining of my pants pockets.  Still there is that blue feeling that comes over you when you are not allowed to show yourself to the sun, even if it is just the sun coming in through the bedroom window.

Rose

Quote from: alexia elliot on November 28, 2009, 11:47:31 AM
Hi, I am faced with an astonishing observation. I am a genetic male who like most of us CD,TG have a dual brain, male and female side by side. Growing up my female in me was suppressed and only occasionally I allowed it to surface and enjoy femininity. Lately though, I have embraced my female entirely(even though in the closet still)and allowed much more time for her. And here it is, as a man living my entire life I never had any desire or paid attention to being beautiful, just a regular grooming without need to look better than average or even below average, it just didn't matter. But as a female, Oh Girl, the desire to be astonishingly beautiful is overwhelming, thin, but not too thin, body of perfect proportion, long legs Oh god give me long legs and I will go to church every Sunday (in beautiful high heels of course), face of an angel. Well I hate to say it but NONE of Above Applies to my description. But rather not focusing on my short comings as a woman, I want to know what is it that makes me suddenly so focused on vanity when in my female brain, also I wonder is it just me?

I think like this a lot

Hi Mindy, I guess welcome to the club of gorgeous females( at least in our deep imaginations we are )
One day, we all get there! Love.

Quote from: alexia elliot on December 21, 2009, 08:27:05 PM
Hi Mindy, I guess welcome to the club of gorgeous females( at least in our deep imaginations we are )
One day, we all get there! Love.

Oh girl you need not use your imagination, you are beautiful. There are days I wish i would wake up and look in the mirror and see Jaqualyn Smith staring back at me. I'll keep my legs and take the rest of her.
All kidding of course I'm comfortable in my skin......well most days anyway.
hugs, Mindy

Mindy, Babe, you have made my day, I yearn to hear those words but believe me 6' tall 200lb Girly, I am not what you call passable babe, I am working on achieving such reality but it is still a far. You did make me feel awesome though.

Love you, Alexia

Alexia, darling, you are very welcome. I'm 6' 240. Big ape arms and a slight beer gut. I'm working on it. When I'm dressed up I don't even think about what I look like and rarely put on makeup when I'm just lounging around. I just feel so awakened and not in a sexual way. Well sort of because I feel sensual and sexy but more like my personality changes to Mindy's. I was somehow fortunate to be born with a passable tush and legs.I remember way back when I was doing this dude-dressed-like-a-girl fundraiser for Relay for Life. A big opportunity not to pass up, to say the least. My wife, which I hid my CD from, said she was envious of my legs and butt. Too bad she didn't jump my bones then maybe I'd still be married . I keep thinking when I drop 20 pounds my slight boobs and leg curve will go away. I'm kinda muscular and am thinking I need HRT to skinny me out but that's a big step. Not sure I'm ready to transition right now. Does suck having a 44 bust but no breasts. Kind of like fitting one pound of potatoes in a 10 pound bag.
So thank you honey for making me feel loved here and I'm looking forward to making some life lasting friendships.
Love you all, Mindy