Hey all. I've been a creeper on this forum, mainly. So I have a dating problem.

I'm an American college student studying abroad in Britain for the year. And of course, I met a girl. She's from Britain, and two years younger than me. We've really hit it off, and people have noticed we have great chemistry. The last couple weekends we've been pretty flirty with each other, and we've hung out alone a couple times. She's mentioned to me that she trusts me completely and that I'm the only person she can really talk to.

Last weekend I invited her to go to London with me and we had a great time. She had always wanted to go to the British Museum, so I took her there. And as her Christmas present I secretly bought us tickets to watch a musical in the West End, since I knew she had never watched a major theatre production before. I surprised her with the tickets at dinner. She loved it. She even got kind of flustered because she was so excited. It was the most adorable thing ever.

I honestly thought we were dating. I mean, from the way that we've acted towards each other it was a reasonable conclusion to make. But when I asked her about the status of our relationship she said we're "just friends" and she doesn't see me as boyfriend material. I asked her why she led me on these past couple weeks...she said that she was just being "friendly"...but hell, our date to London seemed more than "friendly." We both agreed that we would take advantage of the Christmas holiday and spend time apart from each other.

So basically, what this girl says and what she does are two completely different things...I'm really frustrated and I don't know what to do. I have a feeling that she's really reluctant because I'm a transguy...I pass as male and my ID has my male name, but since I'm not on T it's pretty obvious that I'm not a cisgender guy. Not to mention she's from the rural part of Britain so she hasn't really met anyone like me until now.

I'm not too sure whether I should pursue this or not. I really like this girl, and I know that she kind of likes me, but I don't know if I'm patient enough to let her figure out what she wants. Advice?

Honestly bro.....I don't think you should continue to pursue her.....You are just going to hurt yourself.....It seems like your giving her a lot of attention and she is taking advantage of it. That's why she is doing two completely different things. Some girls just love attention.

But then again...I don't know how your guys relationship is...so...it's really up to you.....follow your gut instinct.

what this girl says and what she does are two completely different things

Same as it ever was, same the world over.

Yeah, I'm not too sure about how she feels about everything. I reckon because of the fact that she's a lot younger than me she doesn't really know what she wants yet.

I've laid out the cards for her. I know what I want. I want us to go out and everything I've done for her is under the pretense that we're going out, and so far, it's worked except when it comes to actually admitting that we're in a relationship. I've given her the break to figure out what the hell she wants.

We're really good friends though, and I don't want to end up hurting her. But I don't want to end up hurting myself. Oy.

Honestly, bro, it does just sound like she's being friendly. It's just how a lot of girls socialize, they just tend to be very friendly to their friends and a lot of guys tend to pick up on it as a girl wanting a relationship. Guys, generally, aren't conditioned or encouraged to socialize quite like girls do. Guys tend to tease each other, say what they mean and not what they don't, be blunt and generally speaking, are taught that being physically friendly with your friends is a no-no. Obviously this is more like the expectations for a straight guy and not all straight guys are like this, but you get the idea. We're 'influenced' a certain way by our parents and our peers, though it doesn't always work.

You think she lead you on but she doesn't really think she has. A girl who really does have feelings for you would eventually be real with you about it. It's a very tricky game to play, but chances are if you like the girl already, you might be putting thoughts into your head and reading into things that aren't there. It's happened to me before.

It's not because you're trans, I don't think, this happens to cisgender guys all the time.

Quote from: Cristopher Marc on December 05, 2009, 08:20:36 PMSo basically, what this girl says and what she does are two completely different things.

Uhm no.
If she treats you the same way as she treats other friends, then what she does and says are the same thing.

If there really, truly is something there, you're going to have to leave it up to her to make the next move. Because if she's just unintentionally kind of leading you on and you try to push things to the next level, you're gonna lose her as even a friend. You either need to try and wait it out or find another fish that's a little easier to catch.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 05, 2009, 10:55:34 PM
Honestly, bro, it does just sound like she's being friendly. It's just how a lot of girls socialize, they just tend to be very friendly to their friends and a lot of guys tend to pick up on it as a girl wanting a relationship. Guys, generally, aren't conditioned or encouraged to socialize quite like girls do. Guys tend to tease each other, say what they mean and not what they don't, be blunt and generally speaking, are taught that being physically friendly with your friends is a no-no. Obviously this is more like the expectations for a straight guy and not all straight guys are like this, but you get the idea. We're 'influenced' a certain way by our parents and our peers, though it doesn't always work.

You think she lead you on but she doesn't really think she has. A girl who really does have feelings for you would eventually be real with you about it. It's a very tricky game to play, but chances are if you like the girl already, you might be putting thoughts into your head and reading into things that aren't there. It's happened to me before.

It's not because you're trans, I don't think, this happens to cisgender guys all the time.

this x100. i completely agree!


actually, before my boyfriend and i started going out it was totally like we were dating from an outsiders (or even his view) but i totally didn't see it like that. he was just my awesome friend and even though we hung out all the time and talked late on msn, i just thought we were being friendly. if he was a girl i don't think i would have been *as* friendly (i'm straight) but i wasn't acting out of romantic feelings-- i was just enjoying the friendship.

i even remember wishing i could be  attracted to him because hanging out with him was so much fun.. however, i also remember hoping that he wasn't attracted to me because it might ruin our friendship.

but even though that's how things started, after about 8 months of awesome friendship, i realized that i had totally fallen for him--just like that. after about a month i came clean and he came clean (and also told me about his trans-ness) and we started dating.

so. my advice is to just keep the friendship going. and do not mention anything romantic-y. if it's going to be talked about, let her start the conversation. girls can also be attracted by playing 'hard to get'. if you try to ask her for a state-of-the-relationship address, it might pressure her and send alarm signals.

just keep it going steady and enjoy your time together. if she's not attracted to you now, asking her about relationship stuff is just going to push her away. if you continue the friendship, you have a chance that her feelings will change/mature in your favor