You know how ignorant people tell you, to just live as your own gender.. (ahem sex! they usually say gender)) lol, anyway, they always say, just be a chick, its easier anyway.. bla bla bla

Or maybe your parents, tell you.. why cant you just stay a girl? why not just be a masculine girl?

Do you ever want to cover your face in makeup, make your short hair girly, borrow a push up bra(try to figure out how to put it on), maybe wear a skirt, shave the legs and pits

You ever want to do that, just to show to everyone else how wrong it is, how it just doesn't match up... maybe in my head i see it differently, like once b4 really felt trans, I had tried a push up bra, and my boobs just felt, YUCK, like.. why are they sticking out so much, they look TOO big

and another time, i was wearing a skirt, and i was with my friend, and I kept asking her.. "do I look like a guy?"  "Are people going to yell ->-bleeped-<- at me?" "will they think I'm a guy in a skirt?"

anyway, you ever get the urge to do that? maybe its kinda a way to convince yourself once and for all, seeing yourself look like that in the mirror, and know.. that is NOT me and there's no way I can live like this.

Also it may almost make the discomfort of binding, and worrying all the time about how you look, make it more worthwhile.. cause "its easier then lying to myself and being a girl"

Nope. after 40+ years, i don't need to prove anything to anyone, not even myself.

Not really. At some points I get curious to try on a dress, just to see if I look as awkward as a guy in a dress would.

Not going to bother though, I've had enough femininity I think.

They would think you look fine most likely.

I did the dress and makeup thing on "special occasions" during my attempt at non-transition. I felt like a guy in a dress, and I think I looked awkward and stupid. I also felt like crap, and hated every second of it (the whole thing, not just the dressing up part - but the dressing up was especially bad).

No matter how hard I tried, I felt like it never looked "right". The clothes were always cut wrong, and I always looked like a clown in makeup.

Everyone else said it was a big improvment, and they all thought I looked great.

Doing this will prove nothing to anyone around you - it's only really useful as a tool for figuring yourself out (or more figuring out if you can tolerate dressing as a female).

People will see what they want to see in you, and ignore what they don't want to see. Wearing a dress in front of them will do nothing but "prove" to them how much "better" you look as female (better being subjective - again, it's closer to what they want to see, so they like it).

They can't see how awkward and out of place you feel, or understand why you feel that way.

In the past, yes. Not to prove how wrong it was, but to try to fix what was wrong with me. I thought I just needed to get being a girl right.

Quote from: Olly on December 08, 2009, 04:22:21 AM
I look like a clown if I try to use cosmetics. If I wore a skirt it usually ended up sideways on somehow and I always really hated that exposed vulnerable feeling that came with wearing one.

Oh yes, skirts are horrendous. I thought makeup was fun though.

As a side note, I find skirts comfortable for gardening and doing laundry - it's really nice to have a 'bag' built into your clothing to carry stuff around in.

That aside, I did something like this a few months ago. I'd already started dressing full time, but went to a friend's wedding as a bridesmaid. Mostly because there were four groomsmen already and would have only been two bridesmaids. I sewed up my own dress, awkwardly had someone else do my hair, and forewent makeup (I find it disgusting, I've actually had panic attacks when my face is covered by the stuff - even for theatre and cosplay). I felt absurd. I kept trying to adjust my gait, and even wore heels to try and look 'more feminine'. I was afraid everyone would think I was an ugly female, or think I looked like a guy in a dress. It was nice to be there for the wedding, but not so nice to be there dressed up like a girl.

I really feel like this sealed something for me. I know that despite knowing how to wear heels, knowing how to wear (and even make) a dress properly, how to keep my voice light and feminine and polite and tuck my elbows in and etc etc etc... I still don't feel like a girl. It's just a big farce, a huge laughable act, that for some reason other people are fooled by.


Can't say I've felt the urge to dress like a girl since then. I'm actually ditching most of the contents of my closet (especially the feminine stuff).

my halloween costume was a frilly girly lolita outfit. my boyfriend was in my apartment and i laid my costume out on my bed and went to use the bathroom. when i came back, he had put my dress on, just to be silly.

he looked RIDICULOUS. definitely boy in a dress. i think he was even surprised himself at how much it didn't suit him.  we laughed so hard, and even sometimes still do at the picture i secretly snapped of him curtsying

Quote from: Nero on December 08, 2009, 04:17:43 AMIn the past, yes. Not to prove how wrong it was, but to try to fix what was wrong with me. I thought I just needed to get being a girl right.

Same.

Quote from: Elijah on December 08, 2009, 12:21:51 AM

Do you ever want to cover your face in makeup, make your short hair girly, borrow a push up bra(try to figure out how to put it on), maybe wear a skirt, shave the legs and pits

Do i get the urge? NO way. I grew out of skirts when i was... six? Never liked or wanted to shave, never saw the reason to do so. I hate(d) "war paint" with a passion, most i ever did was nail polish (black or dark blue.)

However i HAVE been "forced" to shave and wear "girl" clothes. I shudder now at the thought of it all. My dad is big on the "you're a girl, look like one" thing. Now that i'm of-age and responsible for myself (though still living with them) i've ditched the girly stuff for good.

I feel so much better about myself now...

I did that basically all my life untill I hit 32 and realized just who I am. I knew previously but tried so damn hard to be what I knew my parents wanted me to be.

NEVER AGAIN

Tried that my whole life. Didn't work.  Up until I decided to transition, I was tomboy yet feminine (long hair, smattering of makeup, earrings, tried to look nice in a casual outdoorsy way).  Basically tried to be the girl I'd love to have dated if i were a guy lol.

Now where the hell is she??  lol


Jay

Quote from: Nero on December 08, 2009, 04:17:43 AM
Not to prove how wrong it was, but to try to fix what was wrong with me. I thought I just needed to get being a girl right.

I thought the exact same thing.  Thought I wasnt trying hard enough or hadnt found the 'right' kind of girl that I was.  When i thought I did, i pulled out the make-up, got brazilian waxing (dont ever try!!) more than once, string, bikinis, grew my hair so it was long and rly curly (everyone loved my hair and were so upset when i had it cut).  High heels...uurgh...obviously that still wasnt me and I knew I was denying myself.
I cant even stand the thought of putting anything female back on ever, no way!  The thought makes me shudder..

That.. can be intersting.

Anymore, I've been told I look like a guy doing drag very well in a dress.
In the right mood it can be amusing, but...I'm not going back to that ever again.

Quote from: Nero on December 08, 2009, 04:29:33 AM
Oh yes, skirts are horrendous. I thought makeup was fun though.

It can be...again, in the right mood (or level of utter bordom)

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Post Merge: December 08, 2009, 03:33:51 PM

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Quote from: JoshB on December 08, 2009, 03:12:07 PM
When i thought I did, i pulled out the make-up, got brazilian waxing (dont ever try!!) more than once, string bikinis, grew my hair so it was long and rly curly (everyone loved my hair and were so upset when i had it cut).  High heels

...I will NEVER understand the string bikini... It's...a square foot of fabric covering your body, that can so easily be pulled off/slip.

What the ->-bleeped-<- is the point of torturing yourself like that?

Does halloween count?  I think I'd make a mean drag queen. Otherwise, no way I'd feel like a joke.

"You ever want to do that, just to show to everyone else how wrong it is, how it just doesn't match up.."

I don't see how this would show "them" how 'wrong' it is. It anything, I would think it would give them gratification. I personally, couldn't imagine shaving my legs, pits, wearing makeup, and god forbid a bra..to "prove myself" to anyone.

I remember back in my early teens, when I used to smoke the ganja, I entertained my two neighbor girls who were a few years older, and let them "dress me up". The older one, 17 at the time, had begged me to let her do my hair, that was barely below my ears, and put makeup on me for months and months. I gave in one night, after a few bribes, and they both laughed at me, and told me not only did I look extremely pissed off, I looked ridiculous. With one quick glance in the mirror, they were right.

A month ago it was my grandma's birthday. I'm not out to her, and I'm not even close to living part-time. She likes to see me "girled-up", so I did my hair and makeup, wore a backless dress, tights and heels. Everyone thought I looked wonderful, and my grandma was so happy because all she sees me in are suits. I looked in the mirror and I had no idea who was staring back at me.
At the restaurant the servers called me ma'am, and I knew that one of the male ones was checking me out. I have never felt more uncomfotable in my life. The whole night I was stiff and wooden, and as soon as I got home I put on some guys dress pants, a button down shirt and a tie. That cinched it for me. I knew then that I never wanted to dress like that again. I felt like I was propogating the lie I was trying to destroy.

Not really, because I know what it'd do to myself.

That's what I'm kinda going through now. Even though I don't wear men's clothing I don't really "dress up" like a lot of others girls; you can say that I'm more of a "feminine tomboy" like sneakersjay said. I just put on a pair of jeans (not skinny!) and some kind of girly shirt. I go through these phases though where I feel like I need to wear heels and flats and all of these frilly shirts while trying to make sure my hair is in place and my purse matches. But then again, I've never felt a desire to do those things on my own outside of peer pressure (I don't even have a purse.)

I don't know if I am trans or if I just have self-esteem issues. I just never looked "right" in girl's clothes and hated shopping for them.