Just a fair warning in advance, my temper is rather volatile right now. I'm losing patience for people, for stupidity, for the world. Many people in my life are doing a good job pissing me off, and if somebody isn't careful they're gonna meet my wrath of anger, and they will not like it if it happens.

For starters, a friend that I thought was a friend has pushed her limits with me too far. After treating me like CRAP for a long time, despite me helping her through her hard times, she gets on me for NO REASON, and then hurts me, and the other week she pushed her luck a little too far. Good news for her is I had a place to be, so if not she'd have met me when I'm peeved, and I'm a very nasty person when that happens. So she can count herself lucky. I moved on, and realized all the good in my life, and that she wasn't worth my time. I feel better now in that regard, but that doesn't erase the fact that other things are getting me angry now.

My brother is now beginning to really get on my nerves, and my parents too. They are doing stupid things that they SHOULD NOT BE DOING, that are threatening my college education, and my brother's as well. I won't go into specifics, but that I hate people that DO NOT THINK, and DO NOT USE THE BRAIN THEY WERE FREAKING GIVEN. I feel seriously like the only one in my immediate family that actually thinks and uses my smarts, and quite a few friends of mine think so too out of what they've seen. Seriously I feel like I belong to a family of idiots.

And to add to this, I have ZERO motivation to get a job. Why? Hundreds of hours of volunteer work, dean's list in school, a really good GPA, tons of extra-curricular work, projects I've done for other things, plus good references, and NO JOB INTERVIEWS EVER. NO ONE WANTS TO EVEN CONSIDER ME. WHY?!!?!??! Then my brother comes along, and scoops up a job. Like THAT. He's done many of the same things I have, but I have taken it a further mile. WHY DOES HE GET THAT WHEN I'M THE ONE WORKING MUCH HARDER DOING MORE TO GET FURTHER IN LIFE THEN HIM?!?!?!?!!?!?! And people wonder why I don't want to get a job..... this is a major confidence killer.

Plus I am also smart, but I'm at a standing point where, I am not in the low GPA student range, but I'm on the low end of the high GPA people, and feel like I am doing all I can JUST TO KEEP UP. Plus in my extended family I'm having to keep up with their high achievements and such, and it's a stressful thing to do. I feel like NOTHING I ever do is enough for people, for me. That I can do many things, sing, write, present, argue, debate, etc etc, but none of it ever good enough to get me anywhere. Nothing worthy of true talent. That I am not adequate.

Plus I know a girl that I like, and I think she likes me too, and she is more of an achiever than I am, she's really cool, intellegent, fun to be around etc etc. But I feel very inferior in those ways, and I feel like I have to compensate, I feel my life being as it has been, dealing with family rejection for TG reasons back then, all my volatile moving, near suicide, depression, and other factors are pulling me down. I always have inferiority complexes, and it is very hurtful to me, will they even want me if they figure that out? Will I ever be in a good relationship. Will I be worth of anyone, of myself even? I love to sing, I'm in a music group that will be performing 3-4 concerts next year between January and May, and I feel like I am part of something. But all my efforts, hours upon hours of practice, all my work, dedication, love for music, get's killed when my brother thinks I'm all over the place, that's shattering to one's heart that has a passion for something. And it's not like I'm one of those American Idol people that cannot sing, I CAN. Maybe not a great singer, but everyone in my group likes me, the lead guy has faith in me, and he approves of my voice, and he knows what he is doing.

What really scares me, I want to do soooo much good in our world, to help people, to travel and live in other cultures, learn about different ideas, walks of life, think about things, argue new ideas, teach others new things I know, I want to contribute towards the better of our mother Earth, and our own species, and help other species as well. There is so much to be gained, to just let it go all to waste in a single lifetime, I want to cherish it all, to experience as much as I possibly can. But am I really just living in a dream world, am I not adequate, smart enough, or capable of achieving this? Can I really do this, can I feel adequate, enough to be competent to other people, to do this good I so want to achieve? Or will I burn in flames?

You are doing for you, the heck with those who don't support you.

And this girl seems like the kind of person you need now, to focus on school.  Good point

The band likes you, and you like singing,  Good point.

You have this vision of where you want your life to go.  Best point.

Things will and do get better.  Focus on you and your dreams.



Hugs and Love
Janet

I want to do soooo much good in our world, to help people, to travel and live in other cultures, learn about different ideas, walks of life, think about things, argue new ideas, teach others new things I know, I want to contribute towards the better of our mother Earth, and our own species, and help other species as well.

Yeah, fine.  But what are you doing now?  What are you going to do tomorrow?  Granted lots of people never get anywhere because they never figure out where they want to go, but lots more never get anywhere because they can't choose what they want to do next out of the range of stuff open to them.  So they sit, and faced with endless choices, do nothing.

Sometimes you just have to break it down.  I work with a bunch of my idiot friends doing a part time production gig putting up concerts in Golden Gate Park.  It takes us about 3 days to put it up, put it on and take it out.  Thousands of details that have to be planed out months in advance.  But the key deal is just making sure the next thing that needs to be done is getting done. And putting the stuff in the right order, you can't put a band on the stage until the stage is built after all.  So break all that down and figure out what are the next few things that have to be done.  Start there.

Very good advice tekla,
wish I had heard and listened to it when I was younger, I may have been farther along now.

Quote from: findingreason on December 11, 2009, 10:00:29 PMI'm losing patience for people, for stupidity, for the world.

Yeah, many people are jerks. You will get used to this... My best advice is not to expect anything at all, so you won't be disappointed.