Well I feel extremely depress (I usually am in school), but today was even worse than the usual since I felt like I was holding tears in as I walk home. I feel like a complete mess in school like at any moment I will fail a class, even though its unlikely (except for math class I just cannot understand it, but I am trying to just pass the class).

Okay, besides that, well my Spanish teacher was like telling groups to stand up, and our group was next, she said, "Chicas". And I felt a weird feeling like happiness, but she forgot I was in the group since she just notice the other two girls, so it was by accident. However I notice she smiled after she said it, like a smirk when I stood up (since I am not that fluent at Spanish I didn't know what to say) But I didn't care... I am deluding myself that I am not a girl... I should just accept it.

And I walk the hallways feeling who I was, and then I see myself and I hate myself. And I hate this life that I live, and I hate everything about it. I am not living really, I am just walking and going through the motions. The only thing I love about it, is my mind. Not sure if you can relate to that, but I like myself in the inside, but I hate this environment and this physical body.


And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, my family, my work, my school, my grades, my family connections, and my future. My mother  love/hates me, my brother despises me, my grandma thinks I am weird, my sister likes me I guess but she's young...

My mother hates me because I am not dating girls, I don't give her money (even though give about 15% of my earnings, but I am trying to save... but I am going to give her money), and that I am not close to my brother but my brother dislikes me because I am weird, and I just can't be me. I am never me. I don't even know who I am besides what I am thinking in my mind, but everything I think in my mind is filter completely to my physical body. It's restricted to act like a stereotypical guy, or just a nerd.

My father totally forgotten about my 18th birthday last week, and he went on his trip. I don't think he even knows that I exist.  (he only lives with us during the summer/fall time) but we never communicate since I go to work and he does his own thing.

My job schedule takes up all my time, and if not I am on the computer trying to escape everything.

And I know my life isn't that bad compare to others, but it feels like hell... everyday I am waking to hell. And it is only good while I dream. I just want a friend, and I never had one friend my whole entire life. Really, I never went to a party, share a secret, talk about things, call each other up, whatever. I don't know what a friendship feels like, and it's such a basic thing to life.

I don't want to be a transsexual, I want to be a woman. However, I don't want to take more hardships in my life, I don't know where to get the money to look decent, I am afraid about not passing, and I am afraid of losing my youth to transition. I want to be important, but I don't know where to go with my life.

I guess most of all I want to be love...

God How many times I have been there.  None of us wanted to be Transsexual, but we were from birth.  Why?  Who know, but we deal with it one day at a time, until we finaly go through the looking glass.

I am almost there.  SRS is in the future.  When I don't know, but it is there.  For now I just live my life on my terms.

You will one day be the woman you are.  Just take it one day at a time.  I waited 20 years to be here now, because of self-imposed fear.  Nothing was holding me back, but that stupid fear.  Once I overcame it, I was finally free.

Hang in there Megan, it is coming up for you too.



Hugs and Love
Janet

I found it extremely difficult to go to college the first time (out of high school).  One semester I rarely went to a class and would sleep 18 hours a day.  I guess I was depressed.

I don't have any advice for you, dear, except to do what you can to move forward even if it is just a little.  Being one of the chicas is wonderful.  (Gad, I wish I had been that bold!)  This is a hard time of life for many people.  Being TS makes it even harder.

Is there someone you can talk to?  A counselor or trusted teacher?  Is there a GLBT support group on campus?  Sometimes we just need to let it all out.  And you can let it all out here anytime you want.

*hugs*
Kate

Hugs megan,
  You are not alone no matter how alone you may feel. Lonely on the other hand,....i understand this well. I too had no friend and went to no parties. I am a live and working on getting this body into as male a condition as I can. You can to. I will agree with Janet that the timing ain't so grand tho. As to smirking Spanish teachers, so she knows spanish, she obviously don't know you.


You can hate the body your in but as long as you know that you are a valuable person, the hell with the rest of them. Keep your eye on the future since that is all you can control of your life. let the others whom you have no control over, suffer their own lives.
Your parents may have raised you but they don't own you nor can they read your thoughts no matter how it may have seemed they did when you were little. they have a whole lifetime of seeing things differently than you. You don't have to agree with them but see where they are coming from and let them go. You don't have to live up to their expectations, you have enough of your own.

You have value even if life seems bleak right now.

Megan, you are clearly a wonderful thoughtful person. I for one know exactly what it's like to be lonely and lacking friends. We all need someone to talk to and indeed share our inner most intimate secrets. In my case that person never existed, so I am now about to undertake therapy, because a specialist in this field won't be shocked by anything you say and you can feel free to tell someone ALL.
Family and true friends will come around to accepting you for what you are, they may never understand it but will most likely accept it.

You are definitely not alone and although I for one don't like the reality that I'm transsexual and would much rather press a magic button and be a woman, we have to accept we are what we are. And I am coming around to start being proud of it. You could never say we are a boring lot could you 

From an online friend and confident, Alexie. 

Quote from: Megan on December 12, 2009, 02:48:12 AM
I only care about myself, okay that sounds mean but it's the truth. Someone explaining their problem/life to me, then I go "eh whatever shut up" in my head.

Unless of course it's going to help me.. other wise I'll go, "yeah hmm yeah, that's good cool".

I remember when I read that it struck me as so terribly sad. After reading about your mom and dad now I understand a little bit better.

I would strongly suggest you Try to love people, and be of service somehow. Volunteer for something, anything. When you do things like this, other people come into your life and they are more likely to be the sort you want to be around.

None of us picked this crap, I know it sucks. Feeling the way you described put me in the psych ward minus a few pints of blood. People aren't going to line up to love us unless there is something to love about us, and I know how hard it is to not be a self centered emotional black hole, especially when one is in such pain but we hafta figure out our own ways and do it or we simply won't survive.

LordKAT, that was a truthful message, but I know that I should believe it. But I guess, my family is all I have, and I just want to please them to be accepted.  I think my mother will still accept (very slowly) me though, but she will never see me the same again.

Becca, well I feel sane (most of the time), but my life is all about planning. It's every day I have the same basic three thoughts; grades, weight, and money. I work, and I guess that's what my contribution for society even though it's not really since I am just putting my time in. The people there like me, but they don't know me. I put on a mask everyday, and if I break it then they would think I am strange or weird. I have no idea what my true self is anyways, since I watch myself before I say something.

Janet,
You look beautiful in the avatar. I guess I have a lot of decisions and need to sort them out. I just need a compass.

You know that saying if you love someone let them go, if they love you they wil come back to you?

well family acceptance and sometimes friends work the same way. be yourself an gain some confidence and if they can accept you, they will, again it is the timing part that sucks.

girl I can't put to words how much I've felt like that. And yet transition comes with many consequences too =/ I believe I chose right though.