I read this post and was floored...you seem have the same thoughts I had my whole life. in my youth I had often wondered whether what I had exsperienced was a fetish or a legitiment desire to become the opposite sex. It wasn't until I got the internet and was able read up on everything that was transsexualism. I learned first and formost that everyone's situatiion is unique and beautiful in their own way. But that all of us just knew that in some way or another we were differnet. That we don't look exactly how we feel we should. Coming to this conclusion helped me explore things further but didn't halt my life. I married at 18, had three children and did most of everything my gender's role typically called for. But I just knew things weren't right. I felt it all my life and my research gave it a name and the wife allowed me to give me an outlet but it wasn't enough. It never was, she has always been supportive and gave me my girl time but it wasn't ever satisfying. Sometimes I would hate myself for being who I was, that I was putting my wife through stress she didn't need. I would try and "quit" cold turkey and throw out clothes and make-up and swear it off for good. Just for all the same feelings to creep back up.

I knew that I would eventually transistion if I ever wanted to be at piece, but the one thing that always stopped me was wondering is what would I lose if I did. I never thought I could pass so I figured that I would be a social outcast. I never outed myelf so who knows what my family would think and then there was the big one...my wife and kids.

She never gave me a reason to doubt, my wife has been there with me from the start of my journey and I haven't made a move until both of us were ready to do it. My kids grew up with seeing me in girls clothes, my home was my safe place and the kids never thought it was weird because I always talked to them about it. I soon realized that I had a foundation for that support.

On one of my girl days, my wifes best friends came by and helped me out and she had her camera handy. Though I was not really up for the idea of being photographed i indulged her and took a couple of pics. See I was against the pictures because I never thought I could pass, ever. I was a jock in High School and at 5'8" I am not really the average hight of a female either. But once I saw the picture of me where I both her and I had to take a second look it was amazing...it was so liberating knowing that I had a chance to actually being able to blend in. I never felt as though I was a crossdresser or a drag queen or a ->-bleeped-<-. So I wam with you with feeling like if I don't pass I don't want it.
My suggestion is that you find a good close friend you can trust. Work really hard on figureing out how to get the look you want and become passable. Because once you see you can pass it ithe confidence will help you continue forward in what ever you decide to do in your journey! Good luck and I really hope this helps

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PM
Thanks, Firelight! The thing is, I don't *feel* like a girl, not right now.

I hate how repetitive I sound, but I didn't, either. I never thought of it has my birthright to be female. I didn't think I was born female. I just know that I have a gender identity that is better represented through a female persona, and a desire to bring that out.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMI think this is an interesting difference, classic transsexuals seem to say that they always felt like they were already girls on the inside, in the wrong body. I don't feel like that; I just know I *want* to be a girl.

For me personally, I abhor that cliche, and I don't think very many TS people feel that way. I think that's more like the primetime television take on ->-bleeped-<-, personally. Of course, the way most entertainment mediums seem to think, you can just hop onto a table, get an operation, and be female over the weekend. And you can only be even slightly passable if you're a sympathetic character. Otherwise you're a huge dude in a dress with a 5 o'clock shadow. In other words... I don't think this is your best frame of reference.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMI wonder if this disqualifies me from the transsexual club? Does it make me a wannabe? A fetishist?

Why are you so concerned over arbitrary and meaningless labels? Whatever you are, that's what you are. Who cares what you call it.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMAnd at what point will I grow to regard myself as a girl? Ever?

That's a tricky question. I'm not sure at what point I started consciously and subconsciously thinking of myself AS female. I still spend a good deal of time as male (though I'm working to remedy that... as soon as my damned hair grows out again. But I digress...), but at some point down the line, I started using female pronouns to refer to myself and started thinking of me as "Kat" rather than "Adam."

I think that first time someone - knowingly or unknowingly - refers to you in female terms, and your heart does a little leap in your chest. I remember a good friend of mine told me he thought of me as his sister (this was just before I was open about my ->-bleeped-<-, but I had told him). And I don't know what it was, but I was filled with indescribable joy. He called me "sis" from that point on until we went our separate ways, and I think that was probably the one thing that made me decide to be open with who I want to be, and gave myself permission to work to that goal. Things are still tough, but there isn't a time that goes by when I'm called by my female name, or referred to in female pronouns, that my don't get that same feeling of happiness.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMOr will it all be one big trip down self delusion, plastic surgery, SRS, hormones, and at the end of it what I end up with is just me, the same, feeling like a fraud now in a dress?

A line I remember from the sitcom "Frasier" stands out in my mind, here. I'm going to paraphrase it as best as I can: "You know, as you get on in life, it's not the times where you ended up failing or embarrassing yourself that you look back on with regret; it's the times you never even tried."

I find that even in my stage in life, I find that to be true. Even if I make the most hideous woman imaginable, never convince anyone of my femininity, and and up just as a smaller, weaker, poorer version of me... damn it, I will have the knowledge that I put myself out there. I dared to reach for that brass ring. I spat in the face of a cold fate that tells me "You can't. You won't. You aren't." I defy that fate now, and even if I fail, I know that for each moment of my life, I live it saying: "I can. I will. I am."

It's in you to say those things, too. If you truly desire this thing in life, then you owe it to yourself to reach out and try to give yourself what you think will make you happy. If you blow it, so what. You can always cry it off, then live to fight another day.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMSorry if this is more forthright than is proper, I don't want to offend anybody. I'm not attacking any interpretation of what it means to be transsexual...

Trust me. For my part, there is nothing you could discuss with me that would make me flinch. I consider no subject taboo, least of all this one.

Ad there are no hard-and-fast rules about what a transsexual MUST be. Even medical standards and practices are basically just constantly-refined educated guesses. It's up to you to look past trying to find the words to DESCRIBE it, and instead, just be it.

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 15, 2009, 11:29:08 PMit doesn't manifest by prancing around in a tutu,

Okay, you DEFINITELY got that from television. I've yet to meet a TS/TG girl that wants to do that. 

I think all of us just wish to blend in and not stick out in the crowd. Believe me the last thing I want to be walking down the street in is a tutu

Quote from: cutejanessa on December 16, 2009, 07:55:13 AM
I think all of us just wish to blend in and not stick out in the crowd.

That is SO true.

I couldn't "pass" as a guy after about age 14, not without attracting suspicious or quizzical looks - no point making any pretense to be "normal". That was okay 'cause I knew I wasn't "a guy". After transition at 24, nobody looked twice (except for the good kind of looks). That's all I wanted, a normal life.

Quote from: cutejanessa on December 16, 2009, 07:55:13 AM
I think all of us just wish to blend in and not stick out in the crowd. Believe me the last thing I want to be walking down the street in is a tutu

If you want to blend in you are transsexual - if you want to stand out and subconsciously take steps to do so by choosing inapproprioate dress you are trans-something else - equally valid and probably a very nice person to know - but I don't want to walk down the street or shop or socialise with you...
lilac

Quote from: lilacwoman on December 16, 2009, 09:50:13 AM
If you want to blend in you are transsexual - if you want to stand out and subconsciously take steps to do so by choosing inapproprioate dress you are trans-something else

I think this might be a bit of a stretch, actually. A person like that could simply be an exhibitionist by nature, regardless of their gender identity.

I want to apologise for the remark about prancing around in a tutu. I realized very soon after I typed this that it was very wrong, but I was tired and I let it be. What I was trying to say was rather that for me, this feeling is not satisfied by dressing up (i.e. transvestitism), as apparently some people are satisfied to leave it there, for me it's simply very unfulfilling now. And the "prancing" was referring to the exhibitionist streak that some gay men have when they want to be drag queens and flaunt that with relish and abandon. Both these things are excellent ways to be, as far as I'm concerned! But I was just expressing very poorly a thought about what I feel or don't feel. Sorry if I offended anybody, I really don't see transsexuals in that horrible clichéd way.

I don't know yet how I would feel about trying to "pass" out in the real world as a female, because I'm not even close to trying it yet. I believe I would feel much more comfortable with the whole process if I was able to get some surgery first to at least feminize my face and do whatever can be done with my hairline and fading hair. I believe you can do that much without committing to the whole deal (i.e. SRS etc) so I probably don't even need anybody's "permission" to just go do it, right? I would just feel a lot more comfortable if people weren't immediately reading me as a guy wearing women's clothes. However... I do find myself caring less and less what people think. I found it amazingly easy to go into Kohls again yesterday with a $30 coupon that I got from the last purchase, and search out a couple of dresses. Previously I would have felt mortified being seen actually looking at women's clothing, thinking that everybody was looking at me etc, but in fact nobody really cares much. If they do notice you, then they probably assume you're looking for a present for your wife or something, but even if they do suspect... who cares? What business is it of theirs anyway? I'm not hurting anybody.

I agree with the sentiment that at the end of your life, you regret more the things you didn't do, than the things you did. I remember an interview I saw with a person who was dying of AIDS, and on their deathbed they were asked if they had any regrets. The reply was, funnily enough, "I wish I had taken more chances". That may sound strange at first, given that they got AIDS through risky and unprotected sex, but it makes sense after you think about it. What he was saying was that you hesitate all your life, but then at the end it's too late. That's it, and you realize that if you'd just taken a few more leaps in the dark, then it probably would have been ok. This applies to me; all the times in my life when I have taken that big leap, it's actually worked out very well. I seem to get in trouble when I just stagnate.

Thanks again for all the discussion - this is great! And again, I hope I'm not offending anybody with my remarks. I'm truly not condemning or making fun of anybody, tutu or no tutu!

My first pair of online shoe orders should arrive sometime today.

I was looking at corsets online, because it looks like this would help to train my waist a bit, but I'm right in the middle of losing weight (down already to 195 from 205 a few weeks ago), so I thought I'd wait until I've gotten myself down to my racing weight - hopefully I'll be losing quite a few more inches off the waist, so no point in buying an expensive thing like a corset and then finding it's too big in a few weeks!

I also looked at breast forms, but the one website I scanned, they seemed to be really expensive. If anybody has any good tips for online sources of reasonably priced forms (just to fill out that bra and give me some weight to make it feel more realistic than a sock), and reasonably priced corsets, then please do tell (hope it's ok to talk about this sort of thing on the forums, if not then email or PM is fine).

Thanks again!

Meow

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 16, 2009, 10:50:22 AM
I also looked at breast forms, but the one website I scanned, they seemed to be really expensive. If anybody has any good tips for online sources of reasonably priced forms (just to fill out that bra and give me some weight to make it feel more realistic than a sock)

Do you want weight, feel, appearance, or ... ? You can make your own if money is an issue. Water in balloon, seeds in nylons etc. Or you can buy foam breast form which is cheap, they'll give you the shape & appearance, but obviously not the weight or colour. Silicone breast enhancers (cheaper than full breast form) are also available which for a small enough frame person apparently can give AA or A cup. Search around on the internet, there's lots of information on DIY breast form.

I think I'm looking for the natural feel, not just shape, so I guess that means one of the silicone forms. I saw some that cost around $150, which seems a lot but I guess you get what you pay for. I think I'll wait before I buy too much more, since I currently seem to be losing weight quite fast (I was about 203 lbs a few weeks ago, but I've been running and rowing every day, and today I weighed in at 195 lbs - still a lot of fat to dispose of, but progress is definitely being made). I need to wait and see where I end up before buying too much in the way of clothes etc.

Thanks again!

Meow

Quote from: MeowMeansMeow on December 12, 2009, 01:35:17 AM


Meow

p.s. One more thing: I don't think I am gay, like I said previously I just am not attracted to men. However... I think that when I imagine myself as a woman, then I could possibly start finding men attractive - but only in the sense that this would help to contribute to solidifying my identity as a total woman. Does that make any sense?

It makes perfect sense Meow, Iv always found it hard to explain, but you'v taken the words right out of my mouth, very hard to explain without offending somebody, but if I thought 30years ago I was now going to marry a man I say thats impossible, Im not gay, but since I transition and partcularly since my final surgery srs, I find having sex with a man makes me feel more of a woman, particularly when the man finds me attractive and I satisfied the man I feel more of a woman, early next year I am marrying a man, my current boyfriend.
Iv read your posts, you are a woman, but its a long journey, Iv had a lot of surgery, Id now never pass as male even if I wanted to, start your journey and go for it, girl, take each step and stage slowly and enjoy the changes.
p

Thanks, Pauline! I have to admit it feels good to have someone tell me I am a woman. I am a guy who wants to be a woman. Hmm, I am either very confused, or else I have a long road ahead of me... hopefully the latter, because that would be an awesome journey to make. I just wish I'd started earlier...

Meow

We all do, Meow. We all do.