I've progressed with my therapy at a very quick pace, and its now comming to decsion making time. I am transexual and thats a fact and I want too transition more than anything. My therapist even believes that I should transition.I am at a point that I know my sanity will be compromised if I dont take the decision to transition. Its what i've waited for my whole life. But I have a wife and child. Do I put them 1st and carry on as if there is no problem or do I do whats good for me and become who I should be. My therapist always says "live with it or fix it". I really want to fix it. Its a difficult decsion too make. Have any of you had too make the same decision?

Well, I didn't have a spouse or child to consider and can't imagine how hard that must be. But I think you should give them the best husband/wife and mother/father you can be. If you're miserable, you can't give them your best. It's not serving them.

I agree with Nero.  Have you talk with your wife?  How old is your child?  That is where you need to begin.  That said there is a quote here some where that states...

QuoteIf you think you can find a way to help you get by, do that instead.
If you are not ready to risk it all,
if you're not ready to lose everything,   Do not transition.

All of us have been where you are our families.  I wish you the very best in whatever you choose to do.



Blessed Be
Janet

I faced a similar decision.  I had a wife and daughter both of whom I loved very much.  Had I stayed a male, I would have been miserable.  It caused stress in my relationship with my wife and a number of fights.  Growing up in a household of arguments was not going to be conducive to my daughter growing up happy and healthy.  If I was going to be the best parent possible to my child I needed to be happy and stable myself.

Similarly, my wife could never be happy married to a woman.  She wanted the "american dream" - husband 2.3 kids, house with white picket fence.  Had I transitioned and we stayed together, she would have been miserable.  So again, my daughter would be left with a house of arguements and unhappiness.

We were both mature enough to realize this and began couples therapy, not to save our marriage but to resolve our conflicts and dissolve it peacefully.  This is not an easy road and both partners need to be dedicated to making it work.  In many ways you need to be the better person, your spouse will feel, rightfully so, betrayed and angry.  She may even be fearful of the affect transition has on your children.  You need to keep working together and stick by the mantra "what's best for the kids".  How do you create separate but stable households?

My story has turned out well.  My ex is still emotional about my transition, but is highly supportive of me in front of others.  We actively work together to raise our daughter and confer about issues like household rules and behavior management so my daughter has consistency in both houses.

Another key to all of this: your child needs to determine what your relationship is to them.  When I transitioned and we told my then 5 year-old daughter, her biggest fear was that she was losing her daddy.  I made it clear I would always be her daddy and that it was ok for her to still call me that.  While it can create some awkward public situations, it gave her a sense of normalcy.  (Typically when someone gives a quizzical look we simply say my daughter has grown up with two women as her parents or a non-traditional family - most interpret this as a lesbian situation).

I had the chance to meet two grown adults at the Trans Health Conference in Philly whose parents transitioned while they were children.  Both indicated that the best thing their parent's did to give a sense of security was to let them call their parents by their biological relationship.  As transpeople, it can be tough to accept a name not tied to our gender, but it is more important to let the child have that sense of normalcy.

That's my experience: I hope it helps.

As I transitioned before my adult life properly started I can't answer directly.

However I know people who have played it both ways and the truth is there is no easy right or wrong answer. Only you can access your inner mental state and make the call...

I know some who bitterly regret not going ahead and others who now wish they hadn't. So I know by direct observation that there is no one right or wrong answer.

I would suggest that part of the answer to the question might be found by considering why it was that you put yourself in that situation in the first place. It's actually not the cruel question you might think, and it is certainly not intended as a criticism because goodness knows we have all done things which we later came to regret. But your original motivation does make a difference and understanding it may help you to decide what your best course of action now is.

I hope that helps. It's the best I can do in answer to a terribly difficult question. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.

I delayed my transition until my daughter was in college. I delayed it so much that I didn't even see a therapist. I did self medicate and started dressing androgynous. However, I found transition was almost impossible to stop. It seemed like it had a life of it's own. I purged, punished myself, went into deep depression, was unable to work, became totally disagreeable and finally at the point of harming myself, I started seeing a therapist over the objections of my wife.

During this seven year period, I began to lurk on forums like this and researched my options. I did not want it to be true that I was female. Rather, I was so dedicated to my family that I refused to allow my true nature to be set free. The cost was immense.

On the other hand twenty years ago, I was having a period where I found myself obsessing over underdressing. My daughter was just a toddler and I was a stay at home dad.  I forced myself to throw my underwear away because of concerns that my wife had of a man wearing panties and taking care of a child. I believed that I was doing something evil just by wearing them even though it was not sexual. I didn't know why I needed them. However, in the trash they went.

For the next ten years, I was able to not give in to my desires. There would not be any chance of my child discovering that her daddy wore panties.  But when she was an adolescent and had withdrew from me as all girls do so they can date, my desires came back but I still resisted.

Then my wife gave me a pair of satin panties and the second they were on, the craving all came flooding back with a vengeance. I could not resist anymore. I had bought the panties for her but she figured that I really wanted them. She didn't approve and I later figured out that it was a test. Only my feelings of self revulsion and guilt kept me from progressing faster.

So if you can bury this, you are doing better than I did. I managed to delay for a while but once I realized who I was, it was unstoppable.

Maggie

Hi, I am taking somewhat unorthodox approach, as I always try to stress the importance of wisdom of all the girls here, I am a coward, which in the long run might turn out OK because of the circumstances involving growing kids and wife who drifted away long ago but is committed to raising healthy kids. What's good is that kids are highschool age and soon ready for the world. I love them very much and are committed to giving them good foundation. To reveal my inner woman to any of them would , at this time, be ill advised. At least that is how I feel. The transition to womanhood takes a long time and I have waited my whole life for it, so in the essence even starting such transition now will take years to complete. I am doing exactly this, starting the transition and allowing woman within to surface slowly, therefore to ones near me change will not appear drastic and in the long run will be more subdue and I hope accepted as though physiological semi real life condition so to speak. I am on HRT for 7 months and changes however exhilarating to me are small and so far non visible to others. Realm of passability at this time is rather unobtainable by any standard, so my desire to be the woman on the outside to others as I am on the inside to me is rather realistically placed on shelf for later. I know perhaps I am committing ton of NO Nos by psychological standards, but somehow it makes all the sense to me and yet keeps my life semi sane by doing it this way. I am able to experience for the first time in my life an active role in bringing woman to the surface yet at the same time allowing life to flow without an interruption or major road block(at least for time being). Alexia.

Quote from: Davina on December 14, 2009, 08:19:52 AM
I've progressed with my therapy at a very quick pace, and its now comming to decsion making time. I am transexual and thats a fact and I want too transition more than anything. My therapist even believes that I should transition.I am at a point that I know my sanity will be compromised if I dont take the decision to transition. Its what i've waited for my whole life. But I have a wife and child. Do I put them 1st and carry on as if there is no problem or do I do whats good for me and become who I should be. My therapist always says "live with it or fix it". I really want to fix it. Its a difficult decsion too make. Have any of you had too make the same decision?

It truly is NOT this black or white.  Do they know?  Have you partnered your wife in on this decision or your struggles?  This is a decision that will inevitably effect them both and in dramatic ways.  I'm sure you wife and child would want to know if you are feeling depressed, they might even want to do all they could to help.  The worst thing you can do is make a decision that will affect them so strongly without their input, then force them to have to "deal with it".  Please don't think that it is none of their business either (not that you have), you made it their business the moment you married/took guardianship of them.

There is no easy solution, but you will get no where thinking that your only answer is transition or live a fairytale life where you have no problems.  Transition might indeed be the answer, but you must first talk to your wife (alone of course) and request her help, her guidance, something.  Don't try to make a case for transition to her, just talk to her, show your vulnerabilities, show her where it hurts, and how it hurts, let her see the pain you have sought so long to keep hidden.  Then, as she becomes aware of your trials, you can work toward a solution together, one you can share together with your child.  If she leaves you, it will hurt and rip you apart, but it isn't the end, just a brand new beginning.

Like I said there is no easy solutions, but don't pigeonhole yourself or your course of action, be open to new possibilities, be honest with yourself and your wife, and be ready to accept the consequences, and you will know that whatever decision you make will be the best one - free of the heartache that comes from feeling forced into a decision.

For what it is worth. waited til my kids were out of high school and had a place of their own. I have some regrets but I did it because They have no one else and social services were willing to use it as an excuse to put them up for adoption.  They meant more to me than I meant to me. I was very miserable and depressed. They noticed it. They knew I had a countdown and when they were on their own, I was changing my name and moving. They did not learn that right away but they are smart kids. We are still fairly close and 3 out of four are handling it pretty well, the fourth is struggling. Therapist and I may have figured out why today.

Back to topic. You have to do what is best for your kids since they are the future. You have to decide how to deal with your wife and then face the consequences of that decision whether good or bad. You may not know this until much later in life, but you have to decide. You are the only one that can decide this. if you take advice which doesn't follow your heart or what you know to be the best choice, you still made a decision but will then definitely regret it.

When one makes a decision that severely affects those closest to one, then one should include them to some extent in the decision making if at all possible.
That is to say, the decision is "yours" in the end, but with something this serious, this big, this.. I lack the appropriate word, but this is a substantial portion of your identity, emotional state, and life, regardless of whether or not you choose to tradition.. and so, it seems like something you should attempt to make known to your significant other if you want to be with her for the foreseeable future at all.
Not to tell you what to do, but it just seems like the right and honest thing to do to at least attempt to approach the topic with her to any extent before you make any choices that would affect her life.

The thing with children is, is that when they're young they have no prejudice or preconceived notion of what is or is not "appropriate" in a sense. That is to say, if you tell a young child that "daddy's not a boy on the inside, on the inside daddy's a girl and she needs to come out a bit" with the obvious "but she'll always be your daddy" and all that jazz, then it's more probable that the child will accept that and embrace that than if you'd tell the same to, for instance, a teenager (Full of societal pressures and preconceived notions and so on...)
As such, waiting for the child to grow up "can" contribute to the relationship failing at a later date, especially if there isn't a lot of care taken to teach it about gender identity and sexuality, and the truth that "heterosexual cisgenders" aren't the only right way to be (in fact there isn't a right or a wrong way to be, just different ways, and that's perfectly okay, and anyone who says different is just being mean).

In the end though, the choice to transition or not is entirely yours and yours alone to stand under and no-one can tell you whether or not you "should". You have to choose based on your own reasons.
As long as the choice is "yours" whichever one you make in the end, then you can live with that choice. It's when we let others, be it friends, family, society, philosophy, religion, etcetera, make the choices for us that we feel the most trapped and unhappy in our choices.

*hugs*

Good luck in figuring it out, and good luck with whatever choice you make.
Keep us updated.

what I think happens with the genuine transsexual but not with all the other transpeople is that we have a natural female brain that is stifled by having to conform to what parnets etc tell we are but which when we finally get the time. opportunity or chance to transition or reach the point hwere we are looking down the barrel of the gun or weighing the pills in our hands we have to admit to ourselves that everyone else is wrong and that we are not whta they have ben telling us.- and at that moment we set off on our second puberty when we just go female as fast as we can juts like the 12 year old girls.

In fact its not a second puberty but is the puberty we never had because if we think back we have to admit that during our teen years we weren't really like our peers, didn't really want to do guy things. etc?  Would much rather have done girls things?

Quote from: Davina on December 14, 2009, 08:19:52 AM
I've progressed with my therapy at a very quick pace, and its now comming to decsion making time. I am transexual and thats a fact and I want too transition more than anything. My therapist even believes that I should transition.I am at a point that I know my sanity will be compromised if I dont take the decision to transition. Its what i've waited for my whole life. But I have a wife and child. Do I put them 1st and carry on as if there is no problem or do I do whats good for me and become who I should be. My therapist always says "live with it or fix it". I really want to fix it. Its a difficult decsion too make. Have any of you had too make the same decision?

How does you wife feel about it? would she leave you if she knew you were going to fully transition? it's a tough one and a catch 22 situation.

What do you look like? how well would you transition? go through all the pros and cons and take your time before coming to a final decision. I can sympathise that it may have been hard to you to live a guy for so long and having a wife and child does put a different spin on it. But it's a decision you have to make and in the process you may loose your wife and child......or you may not.

I've never been in your position of being married or having children as I knew I couldn't put someone through that. But other forum members may have been though this process and will have more experience than I do.

Difficult one - I can only speak from my experience. I got married as last ditch thing to be normal, but I knew I had made a terrible mistake. When my ex started putting pressure on me for kids, I knew then that I couldn't and wouldn't do it. Our sex life was pretty non-existant and she thought I was gay. Then one night I told her everything, and she moved away shortly after and we divorced.
Some people can do the balancing thing or wait until kids grow up and then start to transition. For me in my 20's it was already very late, and I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't wait, didn't want to father children, and so I set the wheels in motion.
For me, my decision was bad enough and I still feel bad about getting married knowing full well I was TG, but at least she was young enough to find someone else to marry and have kids with.
I hope you make the right decision

I'm thankful I've never had a child for this reason above all others. I couldn't imagine following through with transition at that point.

IMO, parenting should be a very selfless commitment in that upon conception you go from being #1 to #2

Again, this is just me and the way I look at it. Everyone has to do what they feel's best for themselves and their family.

Even in my younger years while trying to execute the male role in its natural design I made great efforts to make certain that never happened.

Quote from: janepf on December 17, 2009, 04:08:40 AM
i agree with everything that both lilacwoman and naturally blonde have said.. just like teenagers we all get lost in the euphoria of growing up and the changes that take place when we transition AND even more so if you have had to suppress or hide who you really are all your life..its a horrible tiring thing that constantly tests your sanity however when we choose to stop fighting or give up the usual result is an unbridled headlong carefree plunge into womanhood without ANY meaningful consideration or testing of the full consequences on ourselves or those around us ... i transitioned at 31 and have been "stealth" for the last 14 years or so (51 now)i have been blessed and i'm grateful to the universe in that regard.. BUT it cost my entire family,my best friend, all of my other friends, my career and everything i owned...BUT this was nothing, absolutley nothing compared to the consequences on my children's development.. they each paid a horrible price... their mum, my best friend did too..she was so beautiful..we were friends from childhood, but thats another story..i miss her so much..

my encouragement to anyone in a similar situation is for the sake of your kids dont make my mistake, love them by laying your life down for them, first just try to get onto a light HRT regime and just try to kill the poisoning that T does to your brain and body, perhaps just be androgenous if you can, look for ways to express your femaleness but only just enough to make life easier..explore and find ways to cope with things, whatever it takes, put it on your therapist to help you... then when the children are at least 18 go for it.. once you have a body that has past male puberty most of the damage is done anyway waiting longer is horrible but worth it.and really unless your lucky enough to be of slight build, hair etc its going to be no less harder then, especially if you are on HRT along the way .. i don't mean to be hard but this whole thing is very real and its much more complicated if you have a family...please please think very carefully before about the choice you make..       

janefp, I really appreciate your insights here.  Never have I seen a situation like this written so clearly and it truly is eye opening.  I hope your message gets out to others because there are many who need to hear it.  I'm not saying your experience is the standard for the interaction between transitioning parents and children, but it is certainly worth looking at.

I am so sorry to hear what you have to live with today and join you in your sympathy for your children.

I've a wife and 2 kids.

Late last year I decided I needed to do something. I was depressed, considering suicide, my wife was considering leaving me. I needed support first a formost. I wanted to be out of my prison. So I began a journey of learning to be myself and bringing my wife a long with me.  Transition is no an t A to B. It is a journey with unknown resting points. You may find you need to stop along the way to allow your family to catch up. In some cases you just have to risk pushing forward a little harder.  There have been some really hard moments for me. Moments where we both lie in bed at night wondering where the line will be, will I tip over some edge where she is no longer attracted to me.  Moments where she mentions some hot guy that was like woooo, and me knowing that I can't live up to being male in that way (we are adult enough to admit that we find other people easy on the eye, that in itself is no big deal).

I think you want to fix it, and that will mean working with your wife. It does not have to be the death of the relationship. It is not easy but the best chance of success will come if you keep talking. It does not have to be an all or nothing. You can transition for you while keeping them first in your mind for how you progress.

I have no real fears for my kids, nothing too much beyond what most parents feel. I believe I could not be the dad that I am if I had not done something.  It is better for them that I am alive and not some dead husk of a man, Whatever happens between me and their mum they will always have two loving parents. If we ever decide to break up the kids will be our first consideration.

We are planning a third kid.

I lived in misery for a loooong time. I told myself

OTHERS HAVE DONE IT
YOU CAN TOO

So now, I'm headed down the right path FOR ME. Let no one stop you.