I've told a few family members and "old" friends about my new name and they say well you're still 'birth name' to me, or my nickname. Saying that that's what they're going to always call me. At least my cousin asked if she could still call me it, instead of just saying she wouldn't use the new name.
Of course ppl that don't know me don't second guess it, and won't have anything to hold onto from the past. So any new friends I've made have taken to it. I have a few ftm friends, of course they understood and use it. I doubt the name will fly with any of my family, except maybe a couple young cousins. The only person that uses it all the time is my best friend, BUT the birth name still slips up a few times. I absolutely hate my birth name, its not even the fact that its female, I just have always hated it. So it sucks, cuz I've been saying that its not my name for a while now. I went by my nickname forever and everyone called me it, except the ones who knew me before I got it. I hate bringing friends around my family also, because then my family uses it. Usually my family calls me by my nickname though.

Sigh, well here's my story. I got frustrated but I guess if I tell them the real reason, then maybe they'd be more understanding?
Im just glad at least one of my real life friends gets me.



How was your 'new name' experience?

my girlfriend's willing to call me by a new name, but it did take her a while because she says she's very attached to the nickname she's been calling me. We haven't decided on the name yet though.

I've only so far explicitly told one person...

She's.. more than cool with calling my kyle...Then again, when I came out, she said something along the lines of "It's about time" at some point in the conversation.


They might warm up to the new name... Especially if you make a point to sign emails/FB-myspace messages/notes/w.e with your prefered name. It's different, and a change. I wouldn't try to expect perfection immidatly.

There was a cool trick that one ftm I know did. Every time they'd use his birth name he'd say, "Who?" until they corrected themselves.

As for name changes? Not sure. I really like the one I have now, but my parents aren't too keen on it yet but I haven't told them that I've decided on it.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 09:12:12 PM
There was a cool trick that one ftm I know did. Every time they'd use his birth name he'd say, "Who?" until they corrected themselves.

Funny thing is, I've been doing that for a few years now.

Quote from: ccc on December 23, 2009, 09:35:30 PM
Funny thing is, I've been doing that for a few years now.

Ah, well that's a bummer then. It's hard getting people to understand how a small thing like a name is such a huge thing to us.

I had an interesting talk with my mother today about how odd it was that she knows a FtM from work and uses male pronouns with him, but still constantly (and emphasis on the constant) uses female pronounds and my birth name with me. She really couldn't give me a real answer, so I ended it with, "the family's going to have to eventually...sooner or later the T will reach the point where if you call me "she" they'll either look at you like you're crazy or me like I am."

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 10:09:32 PM
Ah, well that's a bummer then. It's hard getting people to understand how a small thing like a name is such a huge thing to us.

Well at least it helped my immediate family use my birth name less.

My close family call me Cindy even when I'm in drab (I'm not FT as yet) We get some funny looks.

Cindy

My old friends try their best. They get it right about 99% of the time (closer to the full 100% now though). That includes pronouns.

New people were interesting. I was using a shortened male version of my birth name when I started to study (new city, knew nobody, was already FT, didn't feel like explaining the difference in my "known as" name to my legal name). I changed it (legally) to something completely different about 2 months later, and after an initial week or two of occasional slipups they adapted just fine. Sure, nobody knew the real reason why - but they didn't need to.

My family... yeah. They haven't changed at all. I'm giving them more time. They might change (but probably not) after I'm on T and my appearance changes. They know I've legally changed it anyway, so at least I get my mail .

I think it's harder for people that know you in a previous presentation to adapt. They look at you and still see exactly the same person as they always have. Of course they're going to slip up - especially if they've known you for a long time.

Slip ups aren't always a lack of support, and sometimes it can be hard for us to chill out, step back, and see that they may be accepting and trying in other ways (slip ups not being an outright refusal, of course).

It's not always about people not "getting" you, but in order for people to "get" you then you have to give them the correct data to "get" in the first place! You can't expect them to understand how important it is to you, without telling them - they're not mindreaders.

This doesn't mean to out yourself (though you'll have to eventually anyway if you plan on full transition, and it is the easiest way to tell the truth and get it over with), but you do need to tell them just how important it is.

Expect people to take your name a little more seriously once you've been using it for a while, and it's legally changed. Until then some people might still assume you are "trying it out" or "considering" changing it.

I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Bleah.

Well, I changed my name years before I transitioned. I put fliers into everyone's box at work. At first, my coworkers all thought it was a grand practical joke. I was known for my creative wordplay and groanworthy puns, so I guess this was seen as a novel variation. But it didn't take long at all for everyone to be on board. Of course, I was still using female pronouns.

I wasn't in touch with my family, so I never had any trouble from them. But my ex's family took ages to get the name right. I only saw them a few times a year, so I put up with it. If it were happening now, I would be much less tolerant.

It was hard getting people to call me my new name until I went on T.  I was originally going by the name Trent.  My girlfriend at the time started to call me that, but no one else did, and she felt weird being the only one doing it so just kinda stopped.  After a week on T my mom told me she hated that name and I picked out the name Jace.  Then people started catching on... I think it might be because it has the same initial as my birth name, I'm not really sure, but people starting calling me Jace.  It took a while but now friends and family call me Jace.  But yeah, there are some old friends that I don't see often that told me "I'm never gonna call you Jace, you're always gonna be *female name* to me" and I told them how uncomfortable that name makes me and they're trying.  I only have one person who just does not call me my new name or say he... we don't hang out often.

Quote from: Teknoir on December 24, 2009, 02:21:39 AM
It's not always about people not "getting" you, but in order for people to "get" you then you have to give them the correct data to "get" in the first place! You can't expect them to understand how important it is to you, without telling them - they're not mindreaders.

Hmm. I don't want to be obnoxious, but it seems to me that if a guy goes to all the trouble of changing his name and asking everyone to use that new name, I should assume that it's pretty important to him. It doesn't take psychic abilities to figure that out.

On a side note, I know that some people take longer than others, but it really does help if the person respects you and actually tries. My friend changed his name quite suddenly a number of months ago, and I never slipped up once. I used his old name one time to someone who didn't know about the new name, but that was it. I really do think that most of the people who don't get our names right are either passive-aggressive or not trying very hard.

I'm of the opinion that real friends would be willing to do that much for you. Sure, it takes some effort, but they'll put that bit of effort into it if they value their friendship with you and care about your feelings. As for me, I've spoken to a handful of my friends about my name & pronouns. They were willing to make the change. Hell, I care about my friends' feelings about this change enough that I even asked them what they thought of my preferred name, which is fairly close to my birth name. I wanted to make it easier on them, without having to sacrifice my own comfort.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 02:42:46 AM

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Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Very, very well put. And I agree completely.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

Makes sense to me, I guess ppl are just so close minded these days, they can't accept change.

Quote from: ccc on December 24, 2009, 03:01:45 AM
Makes sense to me, I guess ppl are just so close minded these days, they can't accept change.

Of course, you imply in your OP that you haven't told people that you're trans--I assume that that's what you mean when you say you haven't told them "the real reason"--so maybe it WOULD help if you told them. Then again, it could be a major fiasco. It often is.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:33:59 AM
Hmm. I don't want to be obnoxious, but it seems to me that if a guy goes to all the trouble of changing his name and asking everyone to use that new name, I should assume that it's pretty important to him. It doesn't take psychic abilities to figure that out.

I don't think you're being obnoxious, but I think you may be underestimating the degree to which some people will remain oblivious to the thoughts, viewpoints and feelings of those around them .

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Even if it's not an outright rejection (and even when they are supportive), it seems to take them longer to get their head around it.

That's why I found it interesting to use those I had only recently met (and had only known me as a man) as a control group of sorts when I did my change. They adapted very quickly - quicker than any other group and showed the least resistance by far.

Quote from: Teknoir on December 24, 2009, 03:24:45 AM
I don't think you're being obnoxious, but I think you may be underestimating the degree to which some people will remain oblivious to the thoughts, viewpoints and feelings of those around them .

Heh. I wasn't underestimating a-tall. That's why I said "should."

Quote from: insanitylives on December 23, 2009, 09:05:48 PM
They might warm up to the new name... Especially if you make a point to sign emails/FB-myspace messages/notes/w.e with your prefered name. It's different, and a change. I wouldn't try to expect perfection immidatly.

Im not expecting anything, its just the fact that they say "you'll always be "name you hate" to me. It hurts, but I know some ppl just don't understand. And I have made it a point to change my name on online communities, emails, and such. I won't give up, ill keep giving ppl chances because I know they don't rly get it. And ill try not to get so hurt.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 05:48:45 AM

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Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:33:59 AM
On a side note, I know that some people take longer than others, but it really does help if the person respects you and actually tries. My friend changed his name quite suddenly a number of months ago, and I never slipped up once. I used his old name one time to someone who didn't know about the new name, but that was it. I really do think that most of the people who don't get our names right are either passive-aggressive or not trying very hard.

This... is so true.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 03:50:35 AM

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Quote from: Brynn on December 24, 2009, 02:41:29 AM
I'm of the opinion that real friends would be willing to do that much for you. Sure, it takes some effort, but they'll put that bit of effort into it if they value their friendship with you and care about your feelings.

Exactly, if they rly cared about you and respected you they'd do what makes you happy.

Its true you have to be more patient with old friends because they have had longer knowing you by another name.  Just correct them calmly and keep it up, thats my solution.  I've gone through a rather substantial name change recently but because Alex is a unisex name I havent had to come out as trans to everyone I told.

But I did come out as trans today at the shop I work in over the holidays, my boss was lovely about it.  She is really a wonderful person.