No. That's a lie. I do know what I want. I want to be comfortable in my skin and I don't want to have to take pills or have surgeries to achieve it.
However.....that's starting to look like less and less of a possibility.
Last night as I was sitting and thinking to myself...a nasty thought came through...."What if my mind is the mess it's in because Estrogen is toxic to me"
Oh did THAT ever start off the cacaughaphany of other thoughts. Just a total uproar of "what if's" mainly.
For those that don't know...I deal with a "borderline personality disorder" mind. Many of the tgirls (my mate included) will talk about T being toxic to them and being bad fuel and now that my mate's on E she REALLY believes that she was working with the wrong chemicals all these years and that T is toxic to her.
Sadly...the first thing that comes to mind when I think about taking T ISN'T "well but that's not right for me..." the first thought is "but I have to work. I can't transition while working!!" It's totally more about what others will think rather than what *I* think.
What do I think? I don't have a clue. I'm a mixed up, mashed up, confused person. Compound this with....we have T in the house. It's a gel form that my mate was taking to get her T levels into "normal male" range. They were perscribed to her, and obviously she doesn't take them anymore. (She's MtF...so she's on E and Spiro now) and I just feel like...if I could take them for a few days...I'd know if I got that "this feels so right to me" feeling or...not. That's another big thing. I fear going to the doctor, and jumping all their hoops, getting on T and then like...freaking out and being all like "OMG this is SO not for me".....
Normally I wouldn't advocate DIY....and I'm not even sure it's a good idea for me to do because like, if I do that...and it IS right...as IF I'm going to set it aside and go "ok. Cool. That's right. So I'll start transitioin for REAL later." umm..no. But I don't feel READY to transition. It's more about other people will think/could think/might feel...gah!!
And then I look at the majority of men and how they behave and think to myself....I don't want to be them. But there are plenty of wonderful men out there...and it's not like I'd be any of them anyway. I'd be me. However that might look....
Then I'm super freaked out about my mate dying (It's a huge fear of mine just in general...she's 14 years older than me.) and never being able to find someone who would want to date/love a man...with a vagina. AHHHH!!
I just...I want to go hide under the table until this is over or passes or....leaves me alone.
Oh, and just for good measure...I'm super duper wanting to be pregnant right now. Yea. Awesome. SO CONFUSED!!!
(oh...and in case anyone wants to suggest therapy...already in it. With a gender therapist. That's where a number of these questions/thoughts started. In therapy yesterday)
