Well, I think it's good to ask yourself hard questions. Transition doesn't fix life's problems. Transition is about being yourself -- and who you are is up to you in the end. If you're unsure about going forward, and staying where you are, then that's a step.
GID can be stronger in others, and not so strong on others. Personally, I don't believe that transitioning is for everyone and it's not always the right step. It's not an easy road. Those with sever enough GID who transition find that it's the greatest thing they ever did. Meanwhile, those who find their GID is manageable in other ways, find that transition isn't the way for them. People are different, and there's no right path.
With me, transitioning was the right thing for me to do. I asked hard questions all of the way through. I have severe GID, and I have no issues being the woman I am. But, to be the woman I am it took a lot of effort and also a lot of self-reflecting. I've tried alternative paths in the past, and those ones didn't work out and left me more of a mess.
Life is pretty much the same in terms of life issues. Being a women doesn't make things easier in the world. Sure, my GID is much better, but there's a lot of other life problems. In honestly, it's a man's world -- when I offer a suggestion at work, I get a pat on the head and nothing is taken seriously. I watch members of the boys' club climb the latter, and so on. I get hit on lots, and although many trans people idealize getting hit on, it's not that great when it's happening all of the time. You feel devalued and just like many other women, you feel like you're a piece of meat with many men. You're a conquest. My family doesn't talk to me either. Life is very different now.
Yet, despite the downs, there's a lot of ups -- but of all of the ups the best one is that as a woman I'm happy with myself. I wouldn't trade being a woman for anything. And that's a big point!
That doesn't mean that I don't have my down days. I have depression still. I have borderline personality disorder. I'll look in the mirror and think I'm hot, but other times I'll look in the mirror and think I'm too fat, or that I don't look womanly enough, or that I'm not passing at all and I'm just fooling myself... that's also the nature of BPD and GID. Even if you have few, or even no issues with passing you're gonna find that you'll continue to question that. You'll keep finding flaws. Even if you have FFS and other surgeries, it will still be in your mind. That's the nature of the beast. It has, however, calmed down some over time, and probably will so over time.
Having BPD, however, also contributes to the self-destructive and self-critical nature of myself... transition, hormones, and surgery doesn't cure BPD... it can, however, for some, help treat GID. In my case, hormones, SRS, and transition has helped treat my GID greatly. But my way isn't always the way for everyone. There are people who have GID that find other ways, such as cross-dressing, as a great way to help their GID. Sometimes transitioning isn't for everyone... but only you can answer to yourself if transitioning is for you.
I think many people, especially in the transsexual community, suggest transitioning is the cure/treatment. That's because they are doing it and it's working for them and that's wonderful. But, sometimes, it can be hard to acknowledge that such a path isn't for everyone and it's not always the right path for everyone.
Also, sometimes stopping can be a great way to figure out where you're at. There's people in here who have stopped and decided which was the right direction for them. Some never started again, and are happy with that, meanwhile others have started again with a firm knowledge that, yes, transition is the right path for them. Others have found other paths, and found ways to balance their life with both male and female. Stopping doesn't mean you have to go back to the man you used to be, but you can be a renewed man. That's perfectly fine.
Explore and discover. Remember that transition is about you and what you need. Not what others need, and not what others thing you need. Dare to be yourself.
As for myself, I don't see my former self and who I am now as different people, like others might. Yes, looking at old pictures of myself is weird, because looking at the old self isn't how I am now and the old self does seem like a ghost. And, when I think about the past or talk about the past, I always refer myself as myself, the woman I am. I just don't get the two-people part.
I also beat to my own drum and I've upset the trans community because of that in the past. I shaved my long hair except for the bangs, just before I had SRS. I had people who freaked and thought I wasn't a true transsexual. But, I told them it's not about being what they think I should be, it's about me being me. I'm a woman, other women do the same hair cut, and so was I because I felt like it. I also no longer wear make up unless it's myself. I've gone months without make up. I'm not gonna wear it for others. I've also dressed up as a drag king, and indeed did a drag king show just before I had my SRS -- just to further push the envelope. I sometimes wear boy t-shirts, and I will visit both the boys and girls section in a store (same goes with many cis-gendered women I hang out with). Recently, I actually got a boy hoodie because it was better, bigger, and had the warm fleece lining -- the womans did not and was more expensive. I got a small in boys, which is great, 'cause there's always small in boys stuff 'cause most boys don't fit it -- small boys is big for me. LOL I love the hoodie/jacket. But, yes, there are trans people that would freak over that, and freak that I also went to the boy section to find bondage pants. LOL But, really, it's about me, not them. I've never done well with conformity.
I think that my non-conformity has not only helped me be myself, and a more confident self, but also fit in better in the woman's world. I'm not living up to an idealization. I'm comfortable with who I am. All that seems to make a huge difference with belonging in the womans world. It's where I belong, and I'm happy with it. My cis-gender friends have noticed the difference between me and other transsexuals they have run into. I find that I don't fit into the transgender world that well.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply. I hope it helps. Think carefully, and remember that transition is about being yourself. Dare to be yourself. If you find that transitioning is for you, then go for it, and remember there's different options and ways (such as non-op). You don't have to follow the same beat as the marching band. If you find that transitioning isn't right for you, that's also just as good. You may find a renewed man and take your experiences to become a more confident man and go about life being perfectly happy. You're GID will probably still be there, no matter which direction you take... it's gonna follow you, hrt, surgery, or not. It's how you handle it that makes the difference and how you treat is is up to you... it's not the same for everyone, and only you can know/discover which is the right direction for you.
Good luck!
Natalie
