I was just thinking, which is really sad, my life has been hampered by all my secrets.

I just can't make a friend... not even one. My entire life, there was not one single friend. Not even an acquaintance, since every lunch I go to the library and log on the computer. I know that is not normal, but that began last year in the fall time. I used to sit by a bunch of nerds on and off, but they weren't my friends just people with a common interest in doing well in school. When they began to just joke about me at the table I just thought to myself, I am not dealing with it. It wasn't vocalize about what they were saying, but I guess I carry myself as an "airhead" or "ditzy". And in return they actually thought I was. I am not sure how to explain since it wasn't like the slutty version of it, but I cannot deal with rejection. I was rejected all my life, and I live just to be accepted now. Even though the true me inside isn't what society accepts (and it has nothing to do with TS; but me for who I am, the essence of me).

I know I am not dumb because I had all A's, and was even better than half the people at the table. Either that or I just block out everything, and try to just move on with my day.

But how does one even get a friend? I know that a few of you probably would say you never had a friend, but I really mean I have nobody. The only people I have is my family (barely), but they are driving me insane now. Like I am going to crack any moment.

I give myself the date of March 21, 2010 to be happy entirely. I plan to be free on that day... I am just looking forward to it now. On that day I plan to be the real me, even if my family hates me for it. It's either that or just crawl into my room and sleep for eternity. Unfortunately I can't be the "real" me, because my looks aren't there, and I guess I need my looks to reflect change in me as a person. I don't even know who I really am, but I hope with finally looking attractive that it'll be there.

It's like I am just one-dimensional with non-changing thoughts, and not well rounded. I even know this of myself, and it's like my main thoughts inside of me are (life goals); riches, beauty, and fame. I think of them everyday. But when I am living in this world, it's like my main goal is to please my family. And my life goals aren't going to happen if I please my family forever.

I really just want to fix my life this year once and for all, and be me. Whoever that is.

And I think my subconscious thoughts are reflecting this, I am just very afraid my family will find out that I am somehow on the "LGBT" community.

As hard as it is, be more open and honest.  Even if it means outing yourself.  Be open to friendship and it will seek you out.  And Yes, it is tough especially if you have been hiding like I have for the last 55 years.

But people will begin to find you interesting and seek to be your friend.  It won't happen tomorrow, but it will happen.



Janet

Well I am not looking for tomorrow, I am looking for springtime. I think I have to "come out" now, or in the near future.

This month just been one of the worst months of my life, the whole season. I think I reach complete rock bottom, it just can't get any worse for me.

And the only reason why I never been out in high school was because my brother was in the same school, and he will report back home about what he heard. My mother tried to worried me with a lie that my brother heard I was gay (it was not true at all), she just wanted me to tell her I was or something but I didn't fall for it.

I don't care though, I don't care what she thinks about me anymore. She just controls my life too much to even what I look like to people. I don't buy clothing because what I want to buy doesn't reflect with what she probably will like, so I just wear the same old clothing. But I want to change that.

For example, she was crying (hysterically) and telling me she is going to call the cops just because I was arguing with her about having a hair cut and it was during the summer time. And she knows how much I didn't want to do it, I told her nicely over and over. I then let her cut my hair that day because she was just crazy, and I lock myself in my room and was depressed the whole time. I had grown it for about 3 months, and it wasn't even that long. She told me I look like a partier, and a drunk with it, but I don't believe it. She just trying to bring me down completely, and I just need to get away from her.

She hasn't bother about it with me lately, but now that I think the court day is coming up she is going to try to get me to cut it again. I haven't receive the paper, but I am assuming in February.

She was the reason why I probably skidded that morning off the road, if it wasn't for her I would never had woke up so early to go to work. I wanted to call in because the roads were really bad, and the car wasn't working that fine (and I never called in). But then she slap me across the face and told me I am lazy and all, and my money only goes for the bills now since she's unemployed and isn't finding a job. So I have to afford to pay for the bills.

It's like she wants to run my life.

Parents can be tough, especially when they think they know you better than you.  Don't worry about your brother, be your own woman.

A song can to mind, when I read this and the first parts speak directly to you.  Of course you not 13. 


Janet

Yeah... it's impossibly hard to be open and honest with people who can't see you for who you are and haven't for a long time, but good goddess does it open the doors to a lot more possibility for happiness in the long run.

Take it a step at a time, and more than anything, pay attention to what is important for you regardless of what other people think.

The more you play into other people's expectations that don't fall inline with your own happiness, the harder it's going to be to be happy.

Quote from: devi ever on January 07, 2010, 07:47:08 PM

Take it a step at a time, and more than anything, pay attention to what is important for you regardless of what other people think.

The more you play into other people's expectations that don't fall inline with your own happiness, the harder it's going to be to be happy.

....SO true Devi.

Try to speak to a therapist or counsellor.   I have a similar life story.   I have always been a solitary person.  As a child I would play with toys on my own rather than going out to play with other children and although I have made short term friendships throughout my life, I have no long term friends from childhood.   Throughout my life I have been bullied, left out or ignored.   I have been seen as the butt of the joke and others have felt that they can walk all over me.

I put this partly down to my dysphoria.   The real me is hidden behind a facade and I feel the only way that I can change this pattern is to allow the real me to develop.

I am fed up with my life as it is and whatever the future holds, it cannot be worse than what has gone before.

I think if a person has too much bottled up, it tends to cause the impression that you don't want to be friends, & aren't open to it.  If someone isn't sure they're welcome in your life, they just end up moving on. It can take a while. I never made any real solid friendships until fairly recently, after college.Then suddenly they were there. I'm more open about myself now. You'll find your friends, regardless of whether they are at your school.

Quote from: Pippa on January 08, 2010, 08:02:38 AM
Try to speak to a therapist or counsellor.   I have a similar life story.   I have always been a solitary person.  As a child I would play with toys on my own rather than going out to play with other children and although I have made short term friendships throughout my life, I have no long term friends from childhood.   Throughout my life I have been bullied, left out or ignored.   I have been seen as the butt of the joke and others have felt that they can walk all over me.

I put this partly down to my dysphoria.   The real me is hidden behind a facade and I feel the only way that I can change this pattern is to allow the real me to develop.

I am fed up with my life as it is and whatever the future holds, it cannot be worse than what has gone before.

Well it could be worse, I could drop out. That would be the biggest regret of my life though, but besides that it can't get worse.

I never been a joke, but I am so pissed earlier today. This guy like pushed me at school like he was behind me, then push me aside, and I was like "What the hell, you don't push me" in my mind. But in reality I just push him back.

Then he started making innuendos about me wanting his "cock", but he does to a few others so it wasn't a direct thing to me. Still rude.

And I was having a good day, since I love looking at myself in the mirror today for some reason. It's a love-hate relationship either I think I am the best looking person on the world, or need ton of plastic surgery.

In my childhood the only bullying I ever got was this kid beat me against the head on the bus like every so often. And one kid scratch my face with his nails. I was never talked about though, except once being called ugly.