I'm having a hard time with the opening of this thread, but here we go!

I fully know and understand transgender dysphoria, I used to be there. I came to write this thread in hopes others will get some help in easing some of that pain.

My life was literally getting torn to shreds over the years and peaked last year and early this year to full bloom. The good news is, I found a way out! I know one size doesn't fit all but maybe some of what I write will help!

I just came to realize that life is far to short to be busted up over things that were so to speak out of my control. I had to make a decision on which path to take. I'm not going to stand here and deny that I am a girl, but I won't claim to be a man either as wierd as that may sound. The thing is, I rose above the gender equation to a more spiritual level. In other words, I took the power away from transgender dysphoria and refuse to aknowledge it. One could argue I'm not being true to myself, but I assure you this is not the case. I still groom my eyebrows and keep clean shaven, but that's about the extent of it. I don't entertain those type of thoughts that creep in and try to remind me of what gender I supposedly am. I don't bother with thinking about being a boy or a girl anymore, I just move on and am at the happiest most peacefull point in my life. I don't dwell on what I don't have anymore. I always knew in my heart that peace is already within me, I just had to make it reality.

All I can say is very few have success in finding true happiness as a person who goes against what they were physically born as! I don't know about you, but I got sick of fighting a battle I couldn't win! My life is near half over and I'll be darned if I spend the rest of my life trying to find answers to questions when the answers don't even exist. Sometimes you have to just let go and let god or a higher power handle it. Transgender dysphoria is much like a bully that pushes your buttons. If you empower a bully by letting that bully get a rise out of you, they'll just push harder! Well they say a person can be their own worst enemy, so quit empowering these thoughts and emotions by entertaining them. But never try to destroy it either! This here is a critical point. You cannot destroy who you inherently MAY be! Rather, you live your life focusing on all the positive that you have and peaceful things in life instead of dwelling on what you don't have. People enjoy the company of positive people, if you keep yourself up to a limited degree and quit trying so hard, maybe things will fall into place much smoother. Forget about gender all together and just plain be your self.

What kind of life would I have had? The chances of finding a suitable mate were 1 in a billion, and my own conciense tells me that living that way goes against the natural order of things. Don't get upset about what I just said, I would never knock anyone, I'm just giving my personal experience. I still have dreams at night, I still get those feelings; but it's what I do with that information that makes all the difference. I follow my own laws to happiness! I don't try to control things that are out of my control and make my decisions without emotions.

I wrote the rules to happiness on site http://www.realitybegins.com/2010/01/laws-to-happiness.html if you care to look at it. I used these very rules against myself and these rules which I now call "Laws" is very effective at dealing with most issues and everyday stresses and problems including but not limited to transgender dysphoria.

Quote from: scarboroughfair on January 12, 2010, 03:42:48 AM
All I can say is very few have success in finding true happiness as a person who goes against what they were physically born as!

That's probably not true. People who are happy after transition often don't end up posting on support forums, at least not very often or not for long.

Instead, you mostly only see the people who ARE in trouble and read about all the bad things instead.

Not to mention the zillions of negative news articles portraying "us" as some persecuted "class."

The Real World isn't as ugly as it's painted to be here.

Someone else already has said similar things and has a blog about it.  http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/06/nature-of-gender-dysphoria.html

Also your laws do have flaws.  What you are trying to do is good but it does not work all the time.  Your first law has truth in it.  The fact of the matter is that when feels dysphoric they want others to understand how they feel.  It is not about changing people just because we hold certain opinons, but it's because we believe or want strongly to be known as something that no one can see off the bat.  Your first law could be applied in a different way and provoke someone to transition sooner.  If I can't change people then I might as well screw them and transition now.  A lot of the reason some people don't is because they don't want to hurt their families.   

The problem with Law two is that it only works on small things like your traffic example.  Other things are cannot be ignored.  We must about things that are not in our control in order to prepare for what might happen even though it might not happen.  You can become an expert at resources if you know how everything around you works, you can be better informed about what your options are and maybe see things you can control that you thought you could not.  Worrying about things out of your control helps you gain an appreciation for all that life is and keeps you grounded in a realistic sense. 

The problem with Law three is that not everything can be decided or concluded rationally.  I learned this one the hard way.  You have to consider your emotions in almost everything.  If you remove your emotions then how will you completely understand the impact of events that have occured?  Also, ->-bleeped-<- is not something you can rationalize out of yourself.  It just is intergrated in someone's being.  True you can't beat yourself up about someone else's choices but you can still care about them and try your hardest to help them even if they seem stubborn because chances are, they probably listen to you more than they temselves and you know.  It's not over until it is over. 

You are right, you can interpret anything you want the way you want to.  Just like you have interpreted your TG issues to be a "bully."  It doesn't have to be a bully.  Perhaps someone's TG issues are showing them who they really are deep down inside and maybe they did not know it existed or even felt different in any way at all.  Maybe it's a wake up call to grasp life by the horns and go for what you really want.  TG issues can be your best friend while teaching you harsh lessons about life.  It can show you who your real friends are.  It is common to make the mistake that transgenderness is always causes grief because people tend to focus on how they wish to be perceived a lot of time and since they are not that, it can lead to depression.  If some people took a step back and realized the door that has been opened by these feelings and how it can be used for the good, then they might feel a bit better about themselves. 

How is TG unnatural?  If I have come to the conclusion this is what I want to do without anyone else's pressure then it is natural to me.  Naturalness does not have to mean at birth.  I also had a tough time with this.  I always thought I couldn't be TS or TG because of this huge "at birth" thing, but then I realized that things can develop no matter how odd they may be. 

If TGness is truly in you, then please don't try to beat it using enlightenment or laws to try to counter it.  That does nothing but get in the way.  Go as far as you need to and be happy.

I'm not sure I'd call my situation 'transgender dysphoria' but I have an inkling I know what you mean ... I'd put it another way: is there ever a point when it is reasonable NOT to transition, even if, on one level, that is what you passionately want to do, because the cost and risk to yourself and others outweigh the possible benefits?

I have known that, at the very least, there was a strong TS element to my gender make-up since I was in my very early teens. Would I ever have put my hand on my heart and said, 'I am a girl,' or 'I am a woman'? No: for me that wasn't quite it. But I would I said, 'I believe that I would be happier, more fulfilled and more true to myself living as a woman with a female body.' And if that magical fairy godmother had ever come along and offered me the chance to be transformed, like Cinderella, into a girl, I would have taken it.


So why have I not (yet) transitioned? Well, because life - particularly life 20 or even 30 years ago - wasn't and isn't that simple. Like a lot of us, I tried to deny the voices, or instincts inside me. I tried incredibly hardy to be a 'real man' and I have the shrink bills, testosterone gels and Viagra tablets to prove it. Faking it has cost me (and my wife) emotional pain and sexual frustration and has been responsible for periods of great unhappiness. But on the other hand, I have had a successful career, raised my wonderful children, live in a nice area surrounded by kind, friendly neighbours ... and, of course, the world only sees me as what I appear to be: a 'regular' guy. My kids are in no doubt that they have a normal dad.

So the question now is: do I stick or do I twist? My heart says, 'Stop pretending.' My brain says, 'Are you nuts? Just stay exactly as you are. You can deal with life as it is, there are many good things about it and transition could cost you everything you value.'

I don't know what the final decision will be, though it has to be made soon and for good. But I can understand anyone in my kind of situation who felt that it would be better to live with themselves in the sex they were born, not aim for the sex they would most like to be.

I have a feeling this thread will be invoking an emotional response.  All I want to say is I don't ever want to go back to trying to "overcome" this whole thing.  If you've found something that works for you, and it does work for the long term, then more power to ya .

I also feel I should say that I am happy, very happy in fact, for dealing with this in the traditional way, so I don't think that just because you weren't, you should assume nobody else can be. Will I be happy in the long term?  Only time will tell I guess. 

scarboroughfair,

Hello from another non-transitioning coper.   I find it interesting you use one of the mantras I do, about focus and remembering all you have without putting too much focus on what you don't.  That could warrant more discussion, but seeing as I have to run in about 15 minutes, I figured I'd just ask you this.

Your non-focus on your GID (transgender dysphoria) seems to include not denying it.  I think that is healthy, but what do you do when you have an episode?  You might be able to take the emphasis off gender in your own mind and heart, but there are others to consider and it is difficult to live a life without being reminded.  How are you currently dealing with GID attacks when others assert either directly or indirectly your gender?

Sounds like it takes a lot of mental energy to me. It also strikes me as anorexic thinking - the 'hunger' is there and it is acknowledged, but it feels great to deny it any power, it means you are heading in the right direction i.e. not eating.

But actually I have done a lot of the things you said but applied in a much different way. I stopped fighting too, I did what my body and heart said I should do. I forgot about gender and I just plain became myself. My bully is all but gone. I can think about it and not have to fight, I don't need to worry about entertaining anything, I can just be. I think I am a winner. I can focus on the positives too but I don't need to worry about dodging the dysphoria.

I don't think people struggle to be happy when going 'against' what they were physically born as (you could also argue that transgendered are born with a 'physical' pattern etched on their brain for a different body, which physicality is the most valid?) - instead I think people have more capactity for happyness when they become more what they feel they should be, they don't have that energy leak that makes you pour so much energy into dealing with dysphoria.

Quote from: Marie731 on January 12, 2010, 07:11:30 AM
That's probably not true. People who are happy after transition often don't end up posting on support forums, at least not very often or not for long.

Instead, you mostly only see the people who ARE in trouble and read about all the bad things instead.

Not to mention the zillions of negative news articles portraying "us" as some persecuted "class."

The Real World isn't as ugly as it's painted to be here.

Agreed.  That's the flip side of 'community'.  A special place served as a security blanket where some people take refuge but at the same time it sends the message that the real world is this cold, ugly place.  Nothing could be more false than that but you've got to break your own chains, step outside your door & see it for yourself.

I am not ashamed or undesirous of being a transsexual. I actually am finding it to be empowering within my circle of friends.
I think being trans is a sacred state of humanity that few recieve and even fewer apreiciate.
Took me over 30 years to pull my head out of my ass and realize that we are this way for a reason.

Quote from: scarboroughfair on January 12, 2010, 03:42:48 AM
All I can say is very few have success in finding true happiness as a person who goes against what they were physically born as!

I would argue that very few have success in finding true happiness as a person who're constantly in conflict with themselves. There's two ways to interpret that as it pertains to TS, but all I know is that for me, my entire male life as pathetically empty as it was, was always in conflict with my mind.

I couldn't possibly live with myself in a few years time knowing I could have transitioned and choose not to, it would bring me back to the brink of suicide.

I don't agree with your advise, in that I don't think it would be right for most TS's, but I do think that if this helps you, that's great.

Pardon me if I toss some caution into this thread but isn't "I've found a way out!" and "I rose above the gender question," fairly typical among gender dysphoric people when trying to evade the ugliness and pain that comes with transition?

I know that was a regular mental state I retreated into during my attempts to argue away my transsexualism. I have "cured" myself at least twice. And one of those times was in even more certain terms than anything scarboroughfair evinces here.

I am 100% in favor of supporting people who choose not to transition due to the restrictions of their real life circumstances. But I'm not so much in favor of "cures" that prove to be temporary band-aids when the gender dysphoria eventually re-emerges... often after the dysporic individual has purged their connection to any support mechanisms to help them understand and cope when the feelings re-emerge.

I can only say that scarboroughfair's reasoning sounds a LOT like mine before I did my final "purge", from which I only emerged before killing myself because I had an unusually persistent friend familiar with depression stemming from being closeted... particularly the "What kind of life would I have had?" portion.

Scarboroughfair... I wish you all the best. But your post makes me worry for you. You might be coping just fine for your situation. But your post trips a lot of warning flags for me. If you'd like to talk one on one, please let me know.

I was always ashamed of the way I felt, and I always tried to push it back to the farthest recesses of my mind. It always came back to the surface. I tried to fight it, it nearly killed/drove me 'insane' on more than one occasion. I have accepted it as incorrigible, I saw no 'cure' after trying to find one for over a decade, and I do not fight it anymore.

I've been doing my best to cope/deal with my GID

But I don't seem to be very good at it

I still think that no-one understands me and I think about suicide nearly everyday

Quote from: Virginia Marie on January 12, 2010, 10:47:23 PM
I've been doing my best to cope/deal with my GID

But I don't seem to be very good at it

I still think that no-one understands me and I think about suicide nearly everyday

Ohhh...
/hugs!!

Hang in there hon, we need ya!!  I still remember nice things you said to me on these forums when I myself started losing my grip ...almost a year ago, and who knows where I would be today without such support back then?  To touch somebody's life in such a way, though maybe unsung, is heroic!

Even though it can feel so lonely to be so extraordinary, don't ever forget the power to help, heal, and otherwise make a difference in people's lives that your rarity imparts.  You are important!

...and I just won't stand for you feeling this way!

Thank You

I'll be okay dear

It's that mid age crisis thing getting at me

Sorry

Hugs and kisses

There really is nothing quite like acceptance to boost you along in life. If you can step back from fighting the impossible and acknowledge that it is there, but can not be overcome you will find yourself, eventually, feeling better. It is of interest to note this is the first of those infamous 12 steps.

I went through a lot of sleepless nights nearly pulling my hair out trying to fit myself neatly into one box, but it just didn't work. I had to sit back and admit that I was not one of those lucky enough to be blessed with a single label. I exist in between and as confusing as it may be that gets it is true, and that truth feels better than walking lying to myself about being a straight man. 

I'm glad if it works for you, and I would be the last to criticise anyone for their lifestyle choice. We must all find our own way through this maze. As I have frequently said there is no one size fits all and what worked for me may not suit others. So please understand that I fully respect your motives and indeed the importance of you standing as witness to your beliefs.

But that fact remains that a lot of what you say does not ring true in my experience and therefore I feel I must gently challenge it. For example I fear that the method you suggest for dealing with those feelings ie not allowing youself to have them, sounds horribly like it involves repression of ones true self, which simply isn't a healthy way to live. 

QuoteI deal with episodes by not entertaining those thoughts.

I fully admit however that this could merely be a measure of how little I understand the choice that you have made. There is undoubtedly a gulf between us, and which of us stands on the right side, if indeed there is a right side, is not for me to say.

From my perspective God made me the way I am and in his grace he gave me the medical tools to follow that inclination to its logical end. So far from being, as you put it, a denial of the natural order, I thank God that I had the means to follow my natural order to it's logical end. I live my life as I do to glorify that divine calling to be different, a prophet of gender.

The other thing that worries me is that you paint what is, from my perspective, an artificially bleak picture of the prospect for someone postop and transitioned, which I suspect shows that you, in turn, do not really understand the successful lives that many of us longterm postops have managed to create for ourselves.

A single example:

QuoteThe chances of finding a suitable mate were 1 in a billion, and my own conciense tells me that living that way goes against the natural order of things.

One in a billion chance of finding a suitable mate? You have to be kidding right? I've honestly NEVER encountered a single romantic rejection and within five years of being post op I had found four potential suitable mates one of whom I am still very happily with 22 years later.

In 25 postop years I have never encountered ANY of the problems that you envision and I have lived a life which was not only successful but also to some extent the envy of most people around me.

I'm sure some have misinterpreted some of my previous posts describing my life as bragging. By some people's logic I simply should not be here as they may believe that these forums are mainly for those having problems. Therefore logically I am either seeking to boost my own ego or I am a fantasist and secretly having problems - but the truth is I am actually here, like you, because I feel a burning call to stand witness to the fact that postop success really IS possible. It isn't an impossible dream at all. The bleak picture you paint is simply not bourn out by my experience, nor do I find many postop people for whom it is.

If you like I am here precisely to act as a very respectful counterbalance.

We stand, in effect, at opposite poles of the spectrum offering a clear choice. Obviously you believe your way is better, I passionately believe in mine. (So please don't waste your time trying to convince me, just as I am not really trying to convince you. I am happy to agree to differ.) I merely put the counter argument and suggest that it is ultimately for each individual to make their choice as to which path is best for them.

if you say you are gender dysphoric but say that you can ignore it and be happy as you are - you are not gender dsyphoric.   simple as that. because in effect what you are saying is that the inner you is happy with the outer you so there can be no diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

Have you asked Blanchard or Bailey or Zucker or Lawrence or any of the other psychobabbleists who hang around BLZB about your situation?   They will sing your praises as proof that all of us who do have GD are just crazy.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 13, 2010, 07:17:36 AM
if you say you are gender dysphoric but say that you can ignore it and be happy as you are - you are not gender dsyphoric.   simple as that.

For a myriad of reasons, transitioning may not be the right choice for every transsexual and for those who can't, finding a way to cope is pretty essential I would think.  Just because somebody learns to cope doesn't mean the dysphoria goes away.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 13, 2010, 07:17:36 AM
if you say you are gender dysphoric but say that you can ignore it and be happy as you are - you are not gender dsyphoric.   simple as that. because in effect what you are saying is that the inner you is happy with the outer you so there can be no diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

Have you asked Blanchard or Bailey or Zucker or Lawrence or any of the other psychobabbleists who hang around BLZB about your situation?   They will sing your praises as proof that all of us who do have GD are just crazy.

Have you read their research?  Their primary goal is to describe and explain the condition.  Zucker has made comments to the effect you that this could be cured (in children, not adults), but by and large it is no one's goal to cure us by having us deny our issues or through some sort of reparative therapy.  In fact the majority of the people you listed there (sans Zucker) have stated they find that transition is very helpful in many cases, and Lawrence actually pushes it as a fix to  ->-bleeped-<- (herself an admitted autogynephile).