Greetings everyone,

I am new here, I've lurked for a while, but just joined and this is my first post.

I hesitate to post because I feel so different than so many of you.  I am a man and identify as a man...  let me explain a bit: (Hopefully I won't bore you too much)

To make a long story somewhat short:

About a year and a half to two years ago, my testosterone levels started tanking.  I did not realize that was what was wrong until about 4 months ago.  I had thought I was just depressed, burned out at work, sick of life etc. etc.

Then I decided to ask for a testosterone test after I noticed my weight going up relatively fast... and my chest looking more and more feminine.  I have always had a bit of gyecomastia as I've been overweight since I was 9 (I'm now 40).  But this was MUCH more pronounced.  Needless to say, my T levels were in the basement, not much above a natal woman's.

At first I was really upset, disgusted with myself... after all what "man" want's "gyno"  The strange thing was that the upset didn't last long and I found myself actually enjoying having breasts.  Over the last 4 months I have gone from that disgust to active enjoyment and even desiring the changes to continue and become even more prominant.

Mind you, I don't want to trasition to being a woman, I don't particularly want to wear women's clothes (although mens clothes are admittedly WAY boring compared to women's).  Yes, I know that I'd be stared at and otherwise rediculed as that "man with hips and boobs like a woman"... but I don't care.  Yes, at the moment I think I'd stay safely behind the "it's not my fault... it's my body's malfunction" excuse and pretend that I was just "dealing with it"... but who knows what the future holds?

So anyway, without droning on too much, I hope.  The question stands:

What am I???

I've never posted, talked to or otherwise admitted this stuff to anyone, not even my wife... who is wonderfully supportive and has already said that it didn't matter to her and for all she cared we could shop at victoria's secret together.  She just loves me.

Reading other forums, I've seen it said that a man who takes hormones or otherwise "just wants boobs" is:

"Stupid"
"mentally ill"
"delusional"

etc. etc.

So... I ask you... What am i?

Regards,

Lost.

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Post Merge: January 12, 2010, 02:31:52 PM

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geez.  Just realized that wasn't so short after all.   Sorry.

Sad thing is that there's TON'S I'm not saying... just don't wasnt to bore or annoy anyone... especially if everyone feels I'm in the wrong place and should look for answers elsewhere.

Regards,

Lost.

Hi Lost, welcome to Susan's.

As for your question. Honestly, I don't know the label for your particular situation though there probably is one. The way I see it is you're a guy who's happy with his body which in my book is a good thing. Hell there are guys who don't even have boobs and are completely unhappy with their body and not many who are comfortable enough in their masculinity to be able to rock having boobs.

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice except just go with the flow. Definitely give this stuff some thought but try not to over think it.

Thanks for the welcome!  

If you don't have a label (which I'm fine with, I don't really NEED one) at least you didn't tell me I was an idiot or mentally ill. lol!

That may change down the road, but at least for now, thank you!

One of the "complicating factors" here is the fact that my wife and I still want more children...  but due to the low T, my "count" is very low.  I forced my GP and a Urologist to do more blood work on me, (that's the only reason I even know the T is low... the Urologist wanted to give me anti-depressants and call it a day... and the GP said it was in my head and to stop complaining!)  Those blood tests showed that there was likely nothing wrong with my testicles, but rather my pituitary has stopped producing LH and FSH in any significant quantities.

THUS, I am going to an endocrinologist on the 27th... it took 3 months to get the appointment and he's 100 miles away and is the closest endo that sees patients for more than just diabetes.

I expect that this endo is going to give me hcg, hmg or T... hcg and/or hmg if he's willing to try and make it so I can father more children... T if he's not.

The thing is... I WANT my T levels back up because I hate that my libido had plummeted since this all started... I want my mojo back!

But at the same time I would love to take estradiol to make my hips and chest etc more pronounced.

Makes me wonder what would happen if I did both! XD

At the risk of being blunt, do you want a wife and family, or a feminine body?

I have a feeling that, if you do start taking male hormones or something similar, the physical changes won't be reversed as such. But they will probably slow or stop.

However, this is something to speak to the endocrinologist about.

Please go ahead and be blunt.

See, that's my problem.  I want my cake and eat it too.

I want both the wife and family AND the feminine body.  I don't have to "pass"... In fact I really don't care... I'd just like as large a "natural" bust as I can get and as "feminine" hips as I can get...  I know that the body hair voice, face etc. isn't going to go fem with T in the mix... but I guess I still wonder.

I know it's not likely to work out the way I'd like... but I figured it couldn't hurt to post it up on the internet and let the "experts" tear it apart.

Thank you!

Gosh, this is an interesting one!  And don't worry, this forum's pretty inclusive, this still probably counts as a gender issue.
I agree with the person who says speak to your endocrinologist about the affects of everything on your body. If you want more children, maybe you should focus on that before you go ahead with hormones to feminise your body, because they might affect your chances. There's someone else on this forum (Nicky) who's putting off the main lot of female hormones until ze's had more children, if you want to check out hir posts for reference... There was also some cis-male poker player who got 38C breast implants for a bet and decided to keep them (here's an article on him: http://www.luckyblackjack.com/brian-zembic.html) whose story you might find interesting.
And by the way, the face does feminise a bit with female hormones, due to the redistribution of fat. 
Good luck acheiving what you want!  But don't forget to talk all this over with your wife first... 

Hi lostme,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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There are a lot of guys that have larger than normal breasts.  It really depends on what you feel that you want.  Maybe go see a gender therapist to help sort things out.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Could you possibly be intersexed?

Also, If all else fails you can do what Octo Mom did to have kids and have your wife do it. But if you want natural creation I'd say wait...

Thanks again everyone for the replies.

I wish I could discuss this with the endo when I see him in a couple of weeks... but I can't.  I'm seeing him to get my Testosterone issue fixed... if I mention any of the rest of this then there's no way he'll give me the hcg/hmg/T or whatever I need to correct the one thing I'm' SURE about needing corrected.

There aren't any gender therapists in my area either and considering I'm having to travel over 100 miles just to see an endo that will work with any issue besides diabetes, I can't imagine  how far I'd have to go to see one that dealt with TG issues!

Right now my plan, expectation is to do what I need to get the T fixed and get healthy again (I put on a LOT of weight with the T out of whack)...  Then, once that's taken care of one way or the other, I'll figure out some way to figure out what kind of interaction issues I'd have with taking the hmg/hcg or T as well as Estradiol.  I certainly don't want to do anything that's going to get me dead... but I am hoping that there won't be much of an issue since there are plenty of men out there that have normal T levels that also end up with high estrogen levels... like, say bodybuilders who take Testosterone.  Gynecomastia is even a side effect of too much T as it aromatases into E... 

sigh...  why can't life be easy?

Lost

Hey, I got a plug!

I agree, if you want more kids then that should be the first priority. After that I guess you can do as you like considering the wife is supportive.

I think it is not worth trying to work out the details of hormones yourself. They can effect everyone differently. I am currently just taking an antiandrogen (spiro) and propecia and I seem to be feminising rather well but still retaining some fertility. An endocronologist will be able to advise you and come up with something that may suit your needs and is still relatively safe (assuming you get a friendly endo and a good referel and decide it is the path for you).

A good first step might be to explore your gender issues more. You said you identify as a man, so I guess that is what you are. You might be a gender variant man, but a man nothertheless untill you decide differently.

I agree with your plan to get healthy first. Your kids are going to want a healthy dad.

It would be wise to take time over this. Currently you sound like you are in excitement mode - which is understandable considering this new found desire, but sometimes we need a cooler head.

Best of luck to you!
xx