Let me introduce myself.  My name is Valerie, and I am a male to female transsexual.  I spend the majority of my time on susans in the MtF forums, but occasionally stop into the FtM forums as well.

I'm in kind of a weird situation.  I think my sister may also be a transsexual (so maybe my brother?).  I remember when we were really little.  I was like 8 and she was like 7 and I told her that I was supposed to be a girl, and she told me she was supposed to be a boy.  Kinda crazy right?  Anyway, I don't know a lot about her personal life (were not that close), but I know she has been dating women for a while.  She came out of the closet as a lesbian, and then sort of re-closeted.  For the past year or so she has been taking like supplements for weight lifting, weight lifts a lot, and put on a lot of muscle mass.  She doesn't really go by her name, but my something else entirely.  Not really a name, but more of a male title (kind of an online persona that sorta became her real life nickname).  I mean, none of this really screams transgendered by itself, but today I notice that Facebook is now using male pronouns for her.  Then she sent me a text message about asking me how to do a legal name change.  Now, she has been trying to do the whole start a band and get into the rock and roll scene, and she is really into glam rock and 80's hair metal, so this could totally be something she is doing for that.  The name she uses online is her "rock name" I guess you could call it.

So, how do I handle this?  I feel like I should know what to do because I'm trans myself, but I'm pretty lost.  I mean, how should I approach it?  Is there anything I should avoid?  If you were/are pre coming out, would you want someone to talk to you about it if they suspected it?  What would you want them to say?

I didn't really have a plan to tell anyone.  One night I just was like, I can't deal with this anymore and called my mom and told her.  So, I don't know what I wanted before I was out because all I wanted was to have my transition over with.

Thoughts?



Also, since I don't really know if she is trans, I'm going to just go with her until she says otherwise.

It may just be me, but I would appreciate it if those close to me were intuitive enough to guess my being transsexual, rather than putting me in the position of actually telling them.  If they find out in a roundabout way, I feel they will have had enough time to process it before they encounter me.  It is probably that I feel safer this way.  However, I'm a bit of an odd person, and this may or may not apply to any one person.  For instance, I personally would prefer to have my secrets revealed accidentally rather than having to spill them face-to-face to others.

Some people, however, prefer that their business remain their business.  It is for you to decide, based on your sibling's characteristics, what is the best step to take.  However, he is your brother (if this is indeed what he is going through), so perhaps if you very delicately mentioned it, he may appreciate it.  I'm a little surprised that he didn't confess to you earlier, as you'd assume he'd think you are the first person to come to, given your experience.

Good luck.

I asked about the name change, and all I got was, "I'm just curious." 

I don't know.  I'm kinda confused.  It's weird being on the other end.

Yes, I agree with Kvall.  Try to ask about the gender, and of course, be understanding and courteous.  It seems that he is dropping hints.  That is one I considered, as well; changing my gender on Facebook.

As far as I remember, Facebook will only start using male or female pronouns if the user manually sets their gender (even if it is not displayed). I had mine as a blank when I first signed up (and attempting to live in the closet - but I still couldn't bring myself to tick the F box  ), but changed it ages ago (so my memory could be off).

It sounds like your sibling is going though some sort of gender issue at the very least. They could be out to themselves and starting transition (or testing the waters prior to making a decision about transition), or they could be using a persona as a form of self discovery. That or they're a drag king - but I don't think so given the curiosity with legal name change.

I don't really think there's a way to know for sure without asking. Perhaps just let them know that wherever their path of self discovery may lead them, that you're supportive and you're there for them.

Someone very close to me years ago said that if I needed to "go and become a man" that they'd be supportive. Although I wasn't ready to deal with it myself at the time (denial... I thought I could "scrape by"), remembering that was a source of affirmation a few years later when I was eventually ready to deal with it. If I wasn't the only one that could see it, then maybe I wasn't crazy for wanting to go ahead with transition, y'know?

Quote from: Valerie Elizabeth on January 12, 2010, 02:56:52 AM
...kind of an online persona that sorta became her real life nickname....

Sorry, but this bit makes me grin and laugh! (but in a good, nostalgic way)

I had an online handle (that varied) with a male "real name" and identity (that didn't vary) behind it for a little over 10 years.

Of course, that was in the days before social networking sites and family members running into each other. Back when not putting up pics, video or using voice comms was the norm.

I used to get so depressed because I thought I could only use that name, and be myself (ie, a "regular guy") online. I longed to be myself offline for so many years.

That male "real name" became my legal name last year 

I would assume that she know about you, why not just get into a conversation about being Trans and see how she reacts.  Maybe she will come out to you and you can help her.  Maybe even gt her to come here.

And I am using 'her' because you don't really know what she is thinking.



Janet

Well I dont know if this fits in but when I started coming out as trans I changed my gender on facebook. And for years all my friends had called me by my male name. So I had been planning on telling my mom soon but didnt know how. So one day my phone goes off and its my mom and she texted me and asked if I wanted to be a man. After that i felt like a wieght had been lifted because I no longer had to bring up the convo she took it upon herself. So  maybe just bring it up yourself and then your sib will come out to you. I know the hardest part was starting the convo about telling someone I was trans.

I think the best thing to do would be to kind of dance around the issue a little. After all, she/he might not be ready to come out of the closet yet, if she/he is indeed trans. The last thing you want to do is force her/him out of the closet before she/he's really figured out her/his gender identity yet, if that is what this is all about. I think there's a definite possibility of what you're thinking is going on, but tread lightly.

I talked to him tonight, and basically I was right in my thoughts.

I'm kinda surprised that he hasn't come out and told me yet, but told some of his friends.  Oh well.  Now I need to figure out how much he knows, and probably mentor a bit.

Thanks for the advice everyone.  Helped us both out a bunch.

Well congratulations on having a brother. 


Janet

maybe it is in the genes..

Quote from: Myself on January 13, 2010, 04:43:50 AM
maybe it is in the genes..

Doubtful has by brother was adopted.  Would have been really cool if he wasn't though.

I think the fact that he is adopted makes it even more meaningful.  That is one coincidence. 

Quote from: V on January 13, 2010, 12:19:12 PM
I think the fact that he is adopted makes it even more meaningful.  That is one coincidence. 

I knowwwww!

He's been talking to some friends about it for a while now, but just 3.  I'm hooking him up with all the stuff I know.  Get him into some therapy and a local group (when he's ready of course).  Hopefully he can get where he wants to be!

Well, he's always welcome here- but you already knew that.

Hi Valerie,

I think it is great to offer support to others when it is needed...but..

..I do worry that your brother (sister) may be suffering a "follow me" effect from your example..

Sooo...Great that you give the support, but pleeese pay special atttention to the reasoning and therapy bit to make sure he is making his own decisions and not just following you...

I'm sure this will be as tough for you as finding your own path...but I'm sure that the guys here will be more than able to help...



Chrissty

I'd be very worried, if not overtly concerned that they are tying to (in the words of my ex, who if nothing else, was very good with words) were trying to worship the quicksand you strolled across.  That is not just dangerous, but fatal.  Then again, there could be a 'family thing' going on there that makes it just so.

I am worried that she might be copying me too.  It's something she has definitely done in the past.  I didn't want to say that because I thought it made me sound kinda bad.

I don't know how to deal with that part.  I guess she will need to figure that out with her therapist.  Any thoughts?

I'd talk with the therapist, even if I had to pay for that hour.  Blood is blood (and yeah I know, you're both adopted, so to me and my brother, but it doesn't change any of that), 'cause friends come and go, and so what?  But blood is blood, and when that goes, you can't replace it.

Quote from: tekla on January 13, 2010, 04:08:10 PM
I'd talk with the therapist, even if I had to pay for that hour.  Blood is blood (and yeah I know, you're both adopted, so to me and my brother, but it doesn't change any of that), 'cause friends come and go, and so what?  But blood is blood, and when that goes, you can't replace it.

I would love to pay for the hour, but I can barely afford food right now.  All my money just got sent to Dr. Suporn.  Just to clarify, only my brother is adopted.  My mother couldn't have any children past me, so she adopted.

And yeah, it doesn't matter to me that she is adopted.  She is my brother, end of story.  I would do almost anything.  But not having any money sure does make it harder.