Hi all,

First I would like to express my gratitude for having found this website and I really feel fortunate to be able to pick up so much information from such a great bunch of helpful n friendly people.

I recently got to know J (we are Asians) who is pre FTM, but I shall still use 'he'. He is sincere in settling down and is looking for a serious relationship. So am I. We are currently chatting over the internet and most probably will start dating soon. I have no problems with his status.

All the technical information I have are all from the internet, which I can accept and deal with. However, it is the social and emotions department, and also questions that I do not dare to ask (I just want to protect his ego and pride) that I think I need help in. Below are a few questions that I hope you could guide me. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

1. I understand that when FTM start T, they have to do it for life. However, should there be any financial hiccups (eg. retrenchment) is it a choice to stop T and would there be a problem (besides returning to feminity)?

2. Are there any sensitive issues that I have to take note of so that I will not make any mistakes or cause any misunderstandings? I'm quite new to FTM.

3. J is planning to go for his surgery end of this year end and he mentioned the process will take 1.5 - 2yrs. During the period from now till after his completion of surgery, what are the general issues that I must take note of? I just wanna know what to expect.

4. As we are Asians, it is a big deal for the guy to bring the girl home to meet his parents. What should I take note of when facing his parents and siblings? It looks kinda sensitive here...

5. Is it alright for me to ask about his status, as in, whether he has started T, if he is using the male toilets now, etc? And when should be the right time to ask? I want to be considerate to him for as much as possible so that he will not feel inadequate when we go out.

6. Is adoption or artificial insemination the only way we could have kids in the near future? J wants a family and kids but I don't really feel comfortable using semen from a sperm donor.

7. Is it true that straight guys do not feel comfortable know that their girl is bi? In this case should I treat J as a straight guy? So sorry but it's kinda confusing for me as I came from a conservative world where I used to be straight and I was not exposed to sexual fluidity until a year ago and I'm not those who really explore.

8. In terms of intimacy, how should I handle it? J seems to be TOP and I'm slightly passive. Should I initiate? Or should I just ask him upfront about it first? I just don't want things to be awkward and I'm really not good at handling such stuff...

This is all I could think of for now and I really appreciate your help in this. Thank you.

These are all great questions. However my answer may not be what you expect.

First things first. He is a man. Treat him like a man.

Sounds like your culture would be hard dealing with things like this. Even though it may be difficult, the best way to get the answers to your questions are to ask him. I could tell you what I wanted in response to those questions, but it is his opinion that matters.

If you explain that you are curious and that you don't mean to offend him or cause any harm. He should be willing to discuss some things with you. Not everyone will spill everything right away. But as you both are approaching a relationship together you both deserve to have your concerns and curiosities about each other.

Tread patiently at first and he'll show you how open he is to talking about everything.

And lastly, it is OK for you to be curious. If you like someone, you want to know more about them, it's natural.

Good luck and thanks for opening your heart to a man like him. I'm sure he appreciates your comfort and friendship even if he might now say it.

Thanks for all your questions.  I'm going to try to answer them all as best as I can.  Just know that everyone is different and no two FTMs are exactly alike or have the exact same experiences.

1.  Yes, J will most likely be on T for the rest of his life unless a medical, financial, or personal reason causes him to stop.  The permanent effects of T are increased facial and body hair, lowered voice, growth downstairs, and possible male pattern baldness.  Changes that can be reverted back are fat distribution from a male pattern back to a female pattern, that time of the month if the organs are still intact, acne may decrease, sex drive may decrease, and lipid levels may return to pre-T levels.

2.  I think by asking these questions and learning what you can about FTMs, you are making a very good effort to be sensitive.  I would suggest looking up TMatesFTM on youtube.  They make videos for significant others of FTMs and give tips on how to handle anything from pronouns to prosthetics.  Speaking of pronouns, whatever your guy calls himself or asks you to call him, respect it and practice it.  Even if he hasn't started T yet, chances are he still wants to be called he, him, etc.  Ask if you aren't sure.

3.  Most likely J is talking about top surgery.  If he hasn't already found a therapist, he will be looking for one and then going to see them for a period of anywhere from about 3 months to a year give or take.  After that time is done, the therapist will write a letter for surgery, hormones, or both.  Then it's just a matter of finding the right surgeon, making an appointment, and getting the procedure done.  During this time, you can support him by giving him space or listen after tough sessions or offering to go with him to appointments. 

4.  I'm not Asian, but I've had to bring my girlfriend home to meet my parents before so I know how that goes.  Find out before you go how his parents are in regards to his transitioning.  Are they supportive?  What name does he go by at home?  Does his family use masculine pronouns?  Ask J what he feels most comfortable with as far as that goes.  Otherwise, just do what you would normally do with a guy.

5.  If the two of you are close, I see no problem in asking whether or not he's started T.  As for what restroom he uses, you could ask, but I would try to ask it in a way that's not as outright.  Maybe if you get on the topic of binders or packing, you could ask about STPs (stand-to-pee's) and say something like, "I read that some transguys use an STP to go to the bathroom.  Have you bought something like that?"  Or whatever you feel is most appropriate.  When you're out somewhere, don't make a big deal about what bathroom he uses.  If he uses the girls, then that's where he's most comfortable at the moment.  If he uses the guys, ditto.

6.  Unfortunately, science has not caught up with us as much as we'd like it to.  Adoption would probably be your best option if artificial insemination is not attractive to you.  Having children is a joint decision, though, so I would talk to J about it and see how he feels.

7.  I haven't heard that straight guys don't like knowing their girlfriends are bi.  If J only likes girls, then, yes, treat him like a straight male.  His sexuality is separate from yours.  You don't have to be straight for J to be straight.

8.  If you are passive and he's more dominant, then you could let him lead.  I would ask him upfront, like you said, about it though.  I wouldn't try to assume or guess what another person likes just based on their personality.

The best advice that I could possibly give is this: treat him like a man--he is one.  But I understand that the circumstances are a little unusual, so if you honestly don't know how to handle something, it is best to ask.


1.  Possibly.  If T is stopped, some feminine characteristics will return: fat will redistribute to a female pattern, and if he hasn't had his reproductive organs removed, he will begin having a period.  This will probably be very difficult for him, but not necessarily harmful.  However, if his ovaries are removed, he must take some kind of hormone (either estrogen or testosterone) or his bones will weaken.  Osteoporosis can be crippling.

2. For pre-operative FtMs, breasts and genitalia are often the biggest difficulties.  Also: use male pronouns to refer to him.

3. I have not undergone bottom (genitalia) surgery, so I can't comment too much.  Since it is a fairly serious surgery, he will have pain and perhaps limited mobility while healing.  He will probably need someone to take care of him (or at least help him with some things) while healing.  If he is talking about top surgery (having his chest reconstructed to look male), he will still need someone to help him for a few days (it's hard to use one's arms after surgery and there are drains that need to be emptied).

4. He knows his family best.  Ask him.

5. It would be best to ask him those things after you have gotten to know each other fairly well.  I'm trying to put myself in his place with this... if a girl (who I knew and trusted, but hadn't met in person) asked me if I took T, I would not be offended.  Asking what bathroom I use... I might be a little weirded out, but I would understand why she was asking.

6. I'm afraid so... technology just isn't advanced enough to give us a male reproductive system.  Adoption or artificial insemination are the best options. Some FtMs have actually gone off of T and used their "original equipment" to bear children (they were inseminated; I guess they really wanted to have biological children, and this is the only way).  However, he probably won't like the idea of doing this and he won't be able to once he has bottom surgery.  Short answer: he will not be able to impregnate you.

7. I'd say it depends on the guy; some may not like it, some may be just fine with it.

8. In terms of intimacy (especially with an FtM), communication is a very good idea.  When your relationship gets to that point, ask him what he likes/doesn't like.  Many FtMs can be uncomfortable with their genitalia and don't like certain places to be touched.


I'm impressed by how much you've learned about this already.  You sound like an awesome girlfriend, best of luck to you.

Thank you for all the great answers. I now have a clearer picture of how I should go about doing things but it seems J is having cold feet and been asking questions about whether my parents want me to be with a genetic male, about my past relationships etc. Is insecurity a big issue? *sighs*