Maybe it's just my current state of mind. There's certainly a general weariness and frustration, if not borderline depression.

No matter what the cause...in the cold light of morning, I'm feeling defeated. I think that the forces of ignorance and hate may have won this battle. I'm losing my will to fight.

Being myself is right for me. But it's seen as wrong by the vast majority of other people, and I don't envision that changing any time soon. In fact, I believe that the mood of this country will turn more conservative in the coming years.

Do I go on tilting at windmills? Do I continue to complicate my life and the lives of those around me, just to prove a point? Yes, I'm transgendered. Do I need to make others aware of that fact, when I could just as easily keep it secret?

There's no doubt that I've been affected by the public's strong negative reaction to any news article about gender dysphoria. It weighs heavily on my mind that I'm doing something that provokes so much vitriol. I have no power to change their attitudes. All I can do is try to live my life, but that is precisely what angers them.

I need to think more about this. It's not a problem that can be solved or a question that has an easy answer. There are only adjustments and compromises to be made, and what those might be is entirely up to me to decide.

I know how you feel...  This is exactly what I went through for the past few months.  It became so severe, that I withdrew into my own shell, and did not start to come out until very recently.  After being assaulted a few weeks ago, I took from it one very important lesson:

Never restrict yourself based on what some monster (or monsters, in some cases) defines you.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that my feelings were just the result of some weird thoughts...  That only caused more pain than any assault could ever do to me.  It definitely put several things into perspective, that's for sure.

As far as your secret...no one needs to know.  Maybe some of your best, closest friends, and probably your significant other (when it happens, not if!).  Otherwise, the rest of the world can just go, well, you know.

Definitely think about it.  But...don't factor what other people think about you into your decision.  People will think what they think.  Who you see yourself as matters the most.

the ones who give up the battle aren't the 'woman in a man's body' ...put  a smile on your face and step out and face the world even if that means leaving behind the places and poeple that won't let you be yourself.

If you make too much of what others think of you...you become their slave.

It's your life and it's none of their business.

My life (68 years' worth) has always been about doing what was expected of me.  And I've never felt a sense of entitlement regarding this journey or anything else.

I don't advocate those positions, and they're certainly counterproductive in terms of the subject at hand.

I've been functioning in public for more than two years, so what I'm feeling is not a fear of taking the next step.  I've never encountered a problem and, in fact, have received more support than I ever anticipated.  I even have a spouse who's totally on board.

So it's odd that I'm now experiencing a loss of confidence and thinking of giving up.

I was living my life as a woman for 4 years before even getting on hormones.  I finally got them.  I was thrilled.  I continued to do what I needed to do, and was on hormones about a year, when all of a sudden, my world got turned upside down, and I ended up stopping everything.  I had to.  It wasn't a matter of choice anymore, I had to survive.  Period.  So now, about 12 years later, and after my body has done some really bad things to me...weight gain, I am once more picking up the ball, and moving forward.  I guess what I am trying to say, is you may give up on yourself, however, that person within you, never gives up, and is always there.  Sooner or later, she will win out, and you will once more take from her strength and continue on.  You may need a break, but it is her strength that will pull you thru.  Women always perservere in the face of adversity. 

I won't stop the hormones now that I have my body chemicals and mind in balance.  I never want to risk recreating the dysphoria that generated such mental turmoil.

Whether or not I continue to push the envelope as regards other people, I'm still the same person.  I just need to decide how to live the rest of my life and get on with it.  But seeking acceptance seems, at this point, like a battle that I may not have the will to fight anymore.

It's totally my problem to solve.  I'm just putting it out there in case someone else can relate to it.

We've all been there, throughout my life I have been plagued with self confidence issues and depressive states.   It's all part of the dysphoria.   I would advise that you speak to your therapist if you are feeling very low.   It is often a reaction to other stresses in your life.   Remember, things always look darkest just before the light.

Also, get your Doctor to check your hormone levels.   If they are either too low or too high, they can affect your mental state.   That's why PMT exists, as hormone levels drop off, depression and anxiety can occur.   It's all part of being a woman!

Thanks, Pippa.

I'm not under the care of a therapist, but I do intend to contact the VA and try to get an appointment to talk to someone.  I've always had an aversion to medicating away reality, but I'm willing to consider taking an SSRI if it will help.  There are certainly other stresses in my life right now, and it's probably more of a load than my mind can easily carry.

Hormone levels may also play a part, although I've maintained the same regimen for several years without a problem.  I do self-medicate but with physician oversight.  I now have evidence to indicate that my local VA medical center is one that will provide treatment to transsexual patients in its women's clinic, and that is the primary reason I'm planning to seek counseling there regarding my mental health.

Counselling is not about medication.   I have had one breakdown which lead to about 8 months of anti-depressants.   It is not a place I ever want to go to again.   I put on a lot of weight and felt like a zombie most of the time.

Counselling is about trying to help you grow to understand your frailties and develop techniques to overcome them.  It can be relatively inexpensive and the frequency of sessions is up to you.   

If you are a member of a church you may be able to speak to a counsellor or the clergy for free.   A lot of employers also provide counselling services.   My employer will pay for the first three sessions.

In some circumstances, therapists will provide free guidance as part of their hypocratic oath responsibilities (in the UK, possibly not elsewhere).   It is a great help to talk things over with someone who isn't emotionally involved.

Kay,
My experience locally has been that most people accept it at some level or other.  I am who and what I am, and everyone just deals with it.  (I don't give them any choice. )

I see the many articles, including the awful reactions, as a good thing.  I've lived (as have you) when there were no articles and it was all underground.  That's when it is really dangerous for us.  Now at least there are articles in the mainstream press weekly.  The outrage of the bigots gets louder as they get more desperate because they feel they are losing.  And they are.  This is just part of the process.

Still, it is discouraging.  Hang in there, dear.  We are going in the right direction.  There may be some backing and filling now and then, but we'll get there.

Live your life.  The people who know you and your background and accept you and like you are the grassroots that are moving society toward full acceptance.

- Kate

20 years ago I began the journey, but stopped because of others.  And for those 20 years I lived for those others.  Now I have began again, and this time it is for me and me alone.

I am 12 years your junior but I know what you have went through.  I am lucky in that my area is extremely trans friendly.  I go where I want and I don't care if I am read, because I am finally free to be me.

You will get that freedom.  You are headed in the correct direction.

sorry not much advice to give, just hugs from someone else who understands and to say never, ever let them steal your soul away. It's all we really own.

Quote from: K8 on February 08, 2010, 07:31:29 PMI am who and what I am, and everyone just deals with it.  (I don't give them any choice. )

Very well put Kate

The outrage of the bigots gets louder as they get more desperate because they feel they are losing.  And they are.  This is just part of the process.

I do hope you are correct - not so much for myself but certainly for those who follow in our footsteps.

I've always felt especially sad for young people who are shamed or bullied or worse because of something beyond their control that makes them different: skin color, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc., etc.  One hopes that things will change, but I fear that cretins who target those who are "different" will always be with us.

I left a church I dearly loved because the priest campaigned against a "Transgender Day Of Remembrance" as just another item on the "homosexual agenda" attacking our schools.  It's a traditional denomination (Anglican Catholic) of the "love the sinner, hate the sin" school of thought.  They didn't know that I'm transsexual, but I finally realized that it was hypocritical of me to profess adherence to a faith that would not allow my daughter, who is lesbian, to partake of the sacrament.

I don't mean to start a religious discussion by bringing this up.  My point is that I'm very discouraged by such institutional bias, because it encourages and gives the weight of authority to those who would marginalize us.

Kay,
We are about the same age.  I was born during World War II.  The word "transsexual" didn't exist.  Our western culture had no idea that some people could be born with the body of one sex and the mind/soul of the other – the concept didn't exist.

I had a gay uncle that I didn't realize was gay until he died in 1978.  He didn't hide it, but we just never talked about it.  And I mean "we" as my family and society.

That your priest would rail against a Transgender Day of Remembrance means there is one and it is out in the public being talked about.  Can you imagine such a thing 50 years ago?  Or 30?  Or even 10, for that matter?

When I was taking my first steps to becoming Kate, I was bellyaching to my minister about it being easier to be gay.  She said: "That's because everyone either knows someone who is gay or knows of someone who is gay, but they don't know that they know someone who is transgendered."  I found that very helpful.  It gave me strength through the difficult times. 

But her statement was not always true.  Twenty years ago not everyone knew that they knew someone who is gay.  We are going in the right direction.  Take heart.

And if you tell your priest that you left the church because your lesbian daughter cannot receive the sacrament there, it takes us one very small step forward.  Small steps – myriad small steps – will overwhelm the haters.  Yes, there will always be small-minded people.  But when the priest knows that half his congregation will walk out if he says such stupid things, he will perhaps not say them and may even come to consider that he may be wrong.

*hugs*
Kate

Hi Kay, stay strong, stay you, and listen to the woman within. I am struggling just the same, and I know when depressed, words such as "just like you" are never true, we feel as thought the world has turned against us and just us. The world has not turned against you, in fact non of it ever does. It is our own minds who create fear, for the simple fact fear does not exist in the universe period. I struggle with understanding why I want to become a woman on the outside if I already am woman on the inside. As to acceptance by others facts however point to the universal truth and that is, life is an interaction with others who give us feeling of self worth and more importantly self awareness. Without such all values we cherish such as, belonging, love, drive and feelings which stimulate are lives are based on interaction. When we present our interpretation of our inner self as fem made up male, normal and I stress, "normal" reaction is of confusion, resentment, miss understanding. I suppose only in the areas where geographically gay/trans world accounts for greater percentage of population can we count on acceptance or indifference. I believe we are all striving for the ultimate goal of equilibrium. Walking the streets, having nice young man open the doors for us, and occasionally listen to "hi babe" when passing the construction site (to all the proper girls, I know that GG's resent such stereotypical qualification and never take "hey babe" as complement but rather demeaning  statement). In other words, we want to feel just as the girl within does, and are surprised when stepping outside and not getting quite the response we hoped for. Reality is, we are guys! To all the people around us we are supposed to do guy things, burp, fart, drink bear, etc. yet we stroll cross the street in miniskirt and heels. No surprises there for the treatment we face. Yes I dream of the day, and as we know so did Martin Luther King, and despite his own faith he has accomplished his dream. So will transgender be free, but for now we must endure and with time comes greater understanding and tolerance, I hope.

Love Alexia.