It was about 3 in the morning when I went into my mother's room to talk about the Amazing Race television show. As we were talking, my father came into the room and told us he was having problems sleeping. So, he went off to the bathroom, and my mother told me to tell him to just sleep in the bathtub(he's always liked sleeping in the bath). I replied to her, "I'll tell him when he gets out. I'm not going to talk to him while he's peeing.." She laughed and said, "Why? You used to when you were little. I remember you used to cry so much because you didn't have a penis." I just had to ask more questions about this. She had, after she said it, a sort of shocked look on her face. She told me she had sort of blocked it out of her memory, but she finally did remember. She told me that at first it was cute, I was about 3 to 4 years old. After a while though, she became concerned, because it really stressed me out. She kept trying to convince me that what I had was "better," but all I did was cry, fuss, throw fits. She told me it wasn't just something that came and went; it was something that I seemed certain about and was really distressed over the whole situation. She said I seemed to be in a lot of pain then because I was female.

The thing is...a major part of my confusion before I finally accepted that I was trans is that my mother has always made it sound like I was a feminine child, content with my gender and social roles. She would talk about how I loved my dresses, makeup, and other girl things. So, it threw me off a bit. I knew she blocked certain facts about me out of her mind. (She's always insisted that I loved playing with dolls, and everyone else laughs at that, because I *hated* barbies with a passion except for my Shaving Fun Ken doll..even I remember that).

This just sort of took me by surprise, though. I know I've always felt uncomfortable for as long as I remember, but I don't remember ever verbalizing any part of it. Also, as my mother remembers more about my childhood, it seems there's more to my gender issues than either of us imagined. I also believe that her remembering things like this is helping her finally see it's not just a phase. She hasn't believed me until now that this is something I've ALWAYS felt. Knowing I was like that, even at that age, just reassures me that the decisions I'm making in life are the right ones.

I just know it made me happy. Well, have a great day everyone!!

Crazy. . . she's a bit of a liar though, isn't she?

Cool that you know now though, and good luck with everything.

Sounds like my mom, too.  I clearly remember being 4 and being upset over my lack of penis.  I don't recall verbalizing it, but knowing the kid I was I'm sure i mentioned being a boy more than once.  I definitely remember using the boy's room in school on occasion (during classes in elementary school when it was empty! and in grocery stores), making packers to stuff my pants, all at an age where sex didn't even enter the equation.

Jay

Lol. I love hearing stuff like that, because I was the same way. I remember being like 5 years old and using the television remote as a packer, because it felt "right, like something is supposed to be there."

My mom is just sort of in her own little world. I wouldn't call her a liar, SilverFang. She just sort of warped her own mind to remember only what she wants to remember. I mean, for her, she always wanted a daughter. That's all she ever wanted. A daughter who loved makeup and getting her hair done. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I've always been so far from that, and I can see how much that hurts my mother. I mean, there were times where I played with makeup...Mostly to draw patterns on myself to play like I was warrior in some make believe world. Anyway, my mother just chose to remember certain things, hoping I would grow out of it. Now that she's faced with the truth, she's starting to break out of that.

Yeah, my parents did the same thing... sometimes I wonder if we were all present for the same childhood (I have very clear memories of childhood).  My mom has admitted that a lot of things in my past were unusual, but she said she just ignored them.  She figured all of my oddities and strong rejection of girly things was just a phase... that I never outgrew.  She says it's all starting to make sense now, but she had no idea such a thing existed (transsexualism) when I was a child.

Oh, yeah... and I used empty toilet paper tubes as an STP when I was 4-5 years old.  They don't work that great.

Quote from: maxxwell on February 15, 2010, 02:50:44 PM
Lol. I love hearing stuff like that, because I was the same way. I remember being like 5 years old and using the television remote as a packer, because it felt "right, like something is supposed to be there."

My mom is just sort of in her own little world. I wouldn't call her a liar, SilverFang. She just sort of warped her own mind to remember only what she wants to remember. I mean, for her, she always wanted a daughter. That's all she ever wanted. A daughter who loved makeup and getting her hair done. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I've always been so far from that, and I can see how much that hurts my mother. I mean, there were times where I played with makeup...Mostly to draw patterns on myself to play like I was warrior in some make believe world. Anyway, my mother just chose to remember certain things, hoping I would grow out of it. Now that she's faced with the truth, she's starting to break out of that.

Hope I didn't offend you or anything, mothers are just like that.

Meh, no gender discomfort during childhood for me. Mom said she saw signs at puberty's start but "just ignored it" though. Makes me believe myself a little more than if I had just suddenly decided I was male at 15 or so, you know?

it's great to have mom support and comfort on the subject :3

Sometimes I wish I could ask my mother about my early childhood. I know that I used to pick fights with the boys on the block--I guess I was a little hellion, because I used to win fights with boys twice my age. I also used to lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time. I'm not sure why. Maybe to get away from my mother, maybe to physically express what I could not express verbally. When I was four or five, I started running away from home on a fairly regular basis.

I finally made contact with my older brother and worked up the nerve to ask him if he had any insight into all of this. He never even acknowledged that I had asked. If I thought I could trust my mother, I would ask her. But I can't, so I don't. You're lucky, Maxxwell.

Quote from: Eryk on February 15, 2010, 02:59:07 PM
Oh, yeah... and I used empty toilet paper tubes as an STP when I was 4-5 years old.  They don't work that great.

Exact same story for me, except I was a bit older...disastrous

My mother keeps pulling out pictures of herself as a young child, playing with cowboy costumes and boyish toys and whatnot, as though to say that she turned out to be a normal woman and so will I. Actually she's gone so far as to say that feelings should not have bearing on reality, when speaking of gender.

Quote from: SilverFang on February 15, 2010, 04:08:08 PM
Hope I didn't offend you or anything, mothers are just like that.

Meh, no gender discomfort during childhood for me. Mom said she saw signs at puberty's start but "just ignored it" though. Makes me believe myself a little more than if I had just suddenly decided I was male at 15 or so, you know?

That's similar to my experience as well. I wonder how common that is among us?

Quote from: dtt47 on February 16, 2010, 11:37:25 AM
That's similar to my experience as well. I wonder how common that is among us?

Sounds like my friend's mother, too. To some extent, my mother seems to have done it as well.

My mother went through an almost-lesbian "I should just get myself a girlfriend and live like a man" stage. So she thinks that I am going through a phase like the one she went through. Maybe some of your parents had a similar thing going.

I distinctly remember telling my mom I was going to ask Santa for a penis for Christmas when I was a kid. I remember it like it was yesterday, the surroundings and everything. Talking to her about it the other day she was like "I swear I don't remember that, I believe you, but I just don't remember that at all". She also doesn't remember me wanting to shave my face, pee standing up, run around the yard without a shirt on, etc. But as a parent, I can also see that some of these things, when viewed from the other perspective, just seem like "another one of those weird things kids do/say that usually doesn't end up amounting to anything" and are easily forgotten. I know that for me, these were really key incidents in my life, and so I've remembered them this long, but for her, they were "just another weird thing kids do/say"... Most parents don't mean any harm by it, not saying this is true for everyone, but just another perspective.

QuoteShe also doesn't remember me wanting to shave my face, pee standing up, run around the yard without a shirt on, etc.

Lol....I remember when I was about five and playing basketball with my dad, and asking him if I could take my shirt off like he did. He got very flustered and told me no, girls couldn't do that. I remember thinking it all very unfair! Hehe. And ah yes...the pretend shaving kit and whipped cream...I remember that well!

~Kes

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on February 17, 2010, 05:39:54 PM
I distinctly remember telling my mom I was going to ask Santa for a penis for Christmas when I was a kid. I remember it like it was yesterday, the surroundings and everything. Talking to her about it the other day she was like "I swear I don't remember that, I believe you, but I just don't remember that at all". She also doesn't remember me wanting to shave my face, pee standing up, run around the yard without a shirt on, etc. But as a parent, I can also see that some of these things, when viewed from the other perspective, just seem like "another one of those weird things kids do/say that usually doesn't end up amounting to anything" and are easily forgotten. I know that for me, these were really key incidents in my life, and so I've remembered them this long, but for her, they were "just another weird thing kids do/say"... Most parents don't mean any harm by it, not saying this is true for everyone, but just another perspective.

Yes, this.
I also did things my mother knew nothing about, like making cloth packers and using the boy's room or mens room when I thought I could get away with it.  We were talking about this yesterday, and her thing looking back is that I wasn't into cars or sports or other traditional boy things, whereas my younger sister was a jock to the extreme.  Meanwhile my brother wasn't into cars or sports and is a nerd like me LOL.

Jay

It's kind of weird... you guys remember so much from your childhood that I don't remember. I remember some things but I just don't recall much of my childhood at all about anything- especially the little things. I remember alot more about my teenage years though. Anybody else like this?

Quote from: Radar on February 18, 2010, 09:28:39 AM
It's kind of weird... you guys remember so much from your childhood that I don't remember. I remember some things but I just don't recall much of my childhood at all about anything- especially the little things. I remember alot more about my teenage years though. Anybody else like this?

Yes, I hardly remember anything up until I was maybe 16(granted that was only 3 years ago, don't know if that really counts) I mean I remember some things, like general feelings of discomfort when I was really young and certain scenes stick out in my mind but not much.

I don't remember my childhood as a coherent whole - just a collection of incredibly vivid but disconnected flashes of memories, up to age 10 or so. After that I can put together more of a narrative, but before 10 it's just scenes in a play.

Quote from: kyril on February 18, 2010, 09:44:45 AMI don't remember my childhood as a coherent whole - just a collection of incredibly vivid but disconnected flashes of memories...

That's a good way of putting it for me. I have memories but they're sporadic and for some reason I don't remember many conversations I had with my parents- especially my Mom.

I'm the same. My dad died when i was eight and i have about three proper memories of him. The occasional incident from childhood is still in my mind but i wouldn't be able to do a life story!!!!

i don't remember a lot of things gender related from childhood, but my mom loves to tell the story of being in the grocery store and i walk up and say "MAMA! i know what i want to be when i grow up! A DADDY!" and everyone laughed. i was 3-4 at the time. and of course thinking it would be really cool to be able to pee standing up at the doctor's office (this is the only place i can remember specifically caring). it's funny to look back and be like ooooh, wow.