Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today. I'm still really down, but I'm letting myself sit with those feelings instead of always pushing them aside and trying to "just get through it" and I think that's healthier (for once). I had a really great talk with two very amazing friends last night, and they helped me realize that I've been holding up everyone else in my life through this process, and it's okay to need someone to hold me up when I need it. You're all completely right that I shouldn't worry so much about the spewing (lol), if I took the time to vent more it wouldn't build up to these vesuviun proportions in the first place. I am so glad I've got awesome friends who'll slap me around when I'm being stupid, and you guys that I can vent to and relate with.
SilverFang, the crying is definitely a sore spot with me. I hate that I cry when I'm mad or depressed. And I'm always terrified for anyone to find out. Then yesterday when I hung out with my supportive friends, I cried a river and they were totally there for me. It really felt good to get it all out instead of always trying to hold it in. I think I really needed that release.
LordKat, it definitely does help to know that others feel this way too. Often when I come to Susan's I'm wary of posting anything negative because I don't want to bring everyone down, or dampen the mood from congratulatory threads about T and passing and such. But again, you guys are right, this is a support site, and I should stop kidding myself that I don't need support when quite clearly I do.
As for coming out at work, I really want to wait until I have my carry letter. Without that, I don't think I'd have the guts to use the men's washroom (as I feel like I don't have the legal right to be in there), and I sure as hell don't want to come out to this office of mostly women (catty suburbanite hockey-moms at that) and then have to use the same washroom as them. God, I already hate using that washroom as it is, let alone with the added awkwardness that'd add... I'm not expecting much understanding or support from my coworkers, and while I don't really care what they think, I at least want to have all my ducks in a row first so that they know they have to take me seriously (legally at least). After I've got my carry letter, I'll be ready to stand up to their potential bigotry with a (just) sense of entitlement.
Alex and Radar, as for my kids, I'm actually not as worried about how they'll take the news, I'm more concerned about how their redneck dad and his evil fiancee will take it. They already see me as the "big bad evil lesbian" who taints their moral existence just by my very presence (limited though it may be) in their lives. What I'm most worried about with my kids is not that my being trans will mess them up, but that the way their dad and stepmom REACT to my being trans will mess them up. Which I know is their responsibility for their own behavior, but at the same time, it's *because* of me, so I feel like I have to try and make it go as best as possible. Which may be impossible. I might just have to accept that their dad will be a jerk about it, and hope that he doesn't take them away from me, and hope that I can infuse them with enough love and support to make up for the struggle they go through with that side of the family on my account. Sigh, it's really depressing to think of how much conflict and work are ahead of me in this area.
Jamie, that's it exactly, the pressure building up and feeling stuck with no way to move forward. I know it'll get easier eventually, I think I'm just mentally preparing (and falling a part a little first) for the epic battle I have ahead of me. I am glad I've got the referral, but that being said, it'll still be months until I actually get in to see the doc. Alberta is the most redneck place in Canada, we're in Oil and Cattle country (basically the Texas of Canada), in what amounts to our version of the "bible belt" as well... It's not fun being "other" here, and it also means our resources are very few, far between, and oppressively difficult to access. But, at least I'm on the list. Step one.
And nope, I've never lived in Cali, or actually anywhere in the States. I've lived in Germany and went to school on the American military base though, so I spent a few years growing up with kids from all over the US.
Anyhow, I am really glad to have you all here, and I know I've been coming and going these past few months while I tried to hide my emotions (from everyone including myself), but I think now that I've acknowledged the importance of getting this stuff out, I won't be such a stranger anymore. Thanks again friends.
Post Merge: February 17, 2010, 04:26:11 PM
Oh, also (for those who asked): my kids are 5 and 10.
