I a male but feel as a female, Follow me as i discuss my life trying to pretend to my dad that I'm a guy ( I'm not, i feel like a girl), Please post what you think, if you have help for me I'd love it...

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Post Merge: February 23, 2010, 08:27:41 PM

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If you read my description, you must now that i am confused. My father always wanted me to be an awesome guy, have the women, money, house, kids. He just doesn't know how i feel about who i am, he knows nothing about me. He wants me to be a "player" he thinks i am interested in be in love with a girl, where i am interested in girls, it is only because i want to be one.

A little about my self, at seven my parents got divorced, at a young age my mom moved our family to NJ but i don't want to live with my mom and my step-dad, i hate the guy. I love my mom, she always supports me in what ever i do, but she is way too into my stepdad and always sides with him even though she doesn't agree with him. about two years later i move back with my dad in Las Vegas (where i lived first). The thing about my dad is he only likes people like himself, so if i don't at least pretend to be like him i end up having to confront him (He is HUGE, he is ripped, yet some how chubby) and when i do he gets very physical... He will end up trying to hit me, push me. Now i want to be a girl but im built like my father, like a body builder (yet i don't work out, i play a little golf to amuse my dad because its a "man's sport"), so cross dressing is out. My parents have money (my dad when he worked made about 5 million a year or more, i didn't want to find out) but my dad would disapprove of hormone blockers and hormone replacement. A sex change wouldn't make me happy, i feel like i would be some kind of freak, it would be better because i'm more like a girl but i'm not more like a girl i just have no penis... My genitalia is large because i have my dad's genes but i don't want that.
Funny i have everything a man could want with himself but... not what i want it makes me extremely depressed.

I wanted to just get that part off my chest.

I today and last last few days have been trying to find some help or someone to talk to, i decided this is the best website to go to this had a forum and some help sites...

Now I reach out to those who wish to help it literally is what my dad doesn't teach he wants me to be self reliant be a man, nut up or shut up.

Hi and welcome to Susan's. Please note that we aren't taking any blog requests at the moment. We'll try to get the blog situation sorted out.

There are some great sections here on the forum that you can look through/post/ask questions/get advice.

If you want to make a post in the Introductions section so that more people can see it and get to know you.

I contemplate my life to day, what i wish to do with my life, what i plan to do about my sex. I took many gender tests today, they all except for one said i was female, the one said i was confused, i am confused but not about this. When i sleep all i can think of is my life if i changed into who i felt. I fantasize that i had been in an accident or i was given one wish. My main dream that i think of came from a manga i like, kashimashi~girl meets girl. I go off to a hike in the mountains behind my house, i get hit by a ufo and i get changed into a girl when they regenerate myself who is almost dead; this would never happen but for the moment i feel less on edge and more like i belong, i think of how my dad and his girlfriend would react. You could picture my dad crying his eyes out and my dad's girlfriend supporting me, she act like more of my best freind than my actual best freind. i think what would happen if i came out to some one i think the best person to come out to would be her because she is only a few years older than me (like i said my dad wants me to be like him, a player, their age difference is is 32 but they love eachother). I think she truly understands me but i am unsure, i am able to act more female around her with out being ridiculed by my father or class mates. I thinks she knows but im not sure. she is into all that facebook stuff and i read her blog with out her knowing, she mentions me a few times but nothing how i act. I think she is concerned about me. Lately i don't want to hang with my dad and her, just her; She noticed how stress i am because she used to work at a fancy medical spa, my cold sores flare because how stress i am around my dad, i am afraid he will find out who i really am, be dissapointed and send me to a "cure camp" because he thinks im sick. the last thing i need is someone looking at me questioning me about "how i feel". I dont want people to figure out who i am. My best friend makes me worried about my social status, right now i am really down there. I used to be constantly made fun off, my school is relatively small so rumors go round faster than a cold in a subway. Where do i think my life is going? I have no idea nowadays if you aren't  in the social loop you are automaticly TP'd, drugged, pranked, vandalized. The social loop has no tolerance for transgender, homosexual, transexual, autistic, colored. Both gender sides of the loop have this low of tolerance. I wish to hang with some girls so that atleast people think that i am homosexual so that i can move into who i am, a girl, people at my school are really ignorant, they don't know they differance they think the two are the same, or atleast the same word. Now if only the girls would hang out with me. They think that i am just some creep that want only to get in their pants... I wish i could live in my dreams where i am normal girl not some weird boy to everyone else. I wish i could go back to when my parents were married to my mom that i wanted to be a girl so that before my dad could decide that i was supposed to grow up to be a stud me mom would tell him to support me. But then i thought that being a guy meant you i could chop it off then go to the doctor and they would magically turn me into a girl. I never did, even then i was extremely paranoid of something. I wonder if maybe their is something wrong with me, i over think things waaaaaay to much. maybe i have gone crazy maybe this is all normal for transgender people, i know no one else like me personally. Right now i am thinking that no one will read this because off how much i have to say but i bottle it up, if there is one thing that i wish they would read this

I am the variable, I fit no category, I am different, I am the ECT. What are you? Do you bottle it up like me?

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Post Merge: February 23, 2010, 10:13:12 PM

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Quote from: Osiris on February 23, 2010, 09:36:13 PM
Hi and welcome to Susan's. Please note that we aren't taking any blog requests at the moment. We'll try to get the blog situation sorted out.

There are some great sections here on the forum that you can look through/post/ask questions/get advice.

If you want to make a post in the Introductions section so that more people can see it and get to know you.

Oh ok sorry i didn't know i guess if you want to remove this tread its ok.. I think no one will really read this i just need to write down my story before i contemplate anything else maybe someone will tell me what is good for me that they have already gone though this

what my dad doesn't teach he wants me to be self reliant be a man, nut up or shut up.

So, follow his example.  Make 5 million a year and no one (other than the IRS) will tell you what you can and can not do.  OK, you got the 'big dick' gene from him, that does not make you happy.  Try to find the making five mill a year gene.  That will.

What kind of advice is that Tekla? <.<; She's asking about resolving gender problems, and you say "Fix unhappiness with money"? Everyone knows money doesn't buy happiness, it just allows you to rent it.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62327.0.html

I own all of the Kashimashi books, so I can totally relate to you. I wrote this review that may be of interest to you.

Money does not buy happiness, but it sure as ->-bleeped-<- can postpone unhappiness.  And where is the source of that unhappiness?
Can't crossdress - answer, a place of your own.
Cant' do hormones - answer, get out of the house and live your own life.
Can't compare to your dad? (and who can?) - answer, be your own person and live your own life.

My father always wanted me to be an awesome guy, have the women, money, house, kids.
Odd, three out of four all the women I know want to some degree also.  The lesbians, four of four.


Male, female, or something in-between, self-reliance is the difference between making it and not making it.  It's not just for guys anymore.  Neither is making money to afford the life you want to live.  That's not saying how much.  But if you depend on other people for it, they have a lot more control than anyone in the end is happy with.

Ah, so that's what you were getting at. I thought you were saying that the gain of money or items would bring happiness, when, like we said, it just allows you to rent aka postpone unhappiness.

I guess the things I think bring the most happiness are freedom, self-esteem, social contact, and basic survival needs. Using money to buy freedom might work, but that will only take you so far. Happiness is never a constant state of mind.