With life.  No seriously, my life sucks.  I don't mean to degrade what I have.  Everything I have is wonderful, and in some cases better then anyone could ask for. I'm not complaining about that, or looking for a pity party.

No, I mean me.  How I run my life, what I do with it, which is nothing. That's the problem.  Throughout my life I have never had the chance to make my own choices, I was never taught how... never forced to do something for my self.  The government (in the case of schooling) and my mother (in the case of secondary schooling, and post secondary, and everything else) made all my decisions for me.  The only choice I really made for myself was to date my now wife.  After that I sat idely by and have forced her to make my decisions now.  I force her to take care of me, and push me to do things.

Problem is, I don't know HOW to run my own life.  Before you start, yes I know most every one of you will tell me to seek therapy.  I am.  I've already e-mailed the like SINGLE therapist in my area, though I am stil looking for others.  Yet if anyone has any suggestions on things I could do to help myself it would be.. appriciated. Thank you, in advance

Well, since I don't know what you have right now it's pretty hard to give an advice

So, before I make this post longer than necessary, and what might be helpful for others;
What is your life about right now? What is your housing situation (parents, partner)?
Do you study, do you have a job?

How's the routine...

Currently living with my wife, in a basement apartment, with her father living upstairs. Yes I have a job... a really ->-bleeped-<-ty one but a job none the less. My routine is thusly:

Wake up at 12:00noon
Play video games, or take wife out for lunch
This takes me to about 3:30
Leave for work.
Get home at 1:30am
UNable to sleep until 3:00am
Wash rinse, repeat.

Alright, so that's a pretty spot-on routine..
Hence, I'm going to throw it on the routine.

Usually when we work to have it all, and then finally get a position that we think we ought to be content we clamp onto it... If you clamp onto something then you tend to forget about anything else that could go on; you just live life the way you've set it out, the way it's 'best' for the situation at hand.

So I'm going to make a bold suggestion.
Skip work one day.
Don't think about it beforehand.
Skip work one day, and by yourself, go out to walk through the city and do anything you need to in order to feel 'alive' in that very moment.

This might just help you awaken old dreams, silly or not, realise what your interests are and what you were once willing to give up life for. After that, go back to your routine and compare. See what (in your current life) makes you happy at the time, and look at the things that 'might' make you happy if you had them.
Don't think it's impossible to get those things.
In the end, everything is possible, and thinking about them (and the dreams) will make you able to rationalise and come up with realistic plans to achieve them.

Life is pretty much OJT.  Maybe look into going to school, take a few classes or get a hobby.

It is hard when you don't have any goals.  Ha, listen to me.  I have no goals, other than trying to get SSDI.  Which basicly has to go through the system.

Blow up your TV.  Almost 20 hours a week on vid games (and I bet it's more than that) add in TV watching and your finishing life at home in your spare time, and that kinda sucks even when your 70.

As yourself where you want to be in five, ten years and even later, and try to do the next thing to get there.

Agree with the blow up the TV bit. I no longer own one.

Quote from: no_id on February 17, 2010, 07:11:22 PM
Skip work one day.

Nope. That is not a good idea.
In this economy and with our employability this just hurts us.
Even doing a lousy job well is an achievement.
There are actually enough hours in the week to do things.

I would agree that toning down the video games might be a good idea, but I don't like video games anyway.

Quote from: Renate on February 18, 2010, 06:02:47 AM
Nope. That is not a good idea.
In this economy and with our employability this just hurts us.
Even doing a lousy job well is an achievement.
There are actually enough hours in the week to do things.

I would agree that toning down the video games might be a good idea, but I don't like video games anyway.

Of course skipping work isn't on the 'responsible' page, but like I said in my post; it's focused on (breaking) the routine, and it's a 'bold suggestion'. An effective one at that unless you pull the strings in a lousy manner. Rolling the dice is just another way to get more out of life.

Therapy is a strange way to resolve what is basically a life rut.

They happen.

A therapist will tell you, (eventually, after charging), the same as anyone else, decide what you want and make a plan.

Thing is, you do know what you want. But you're trying to avoid it, that's why you're in the rut.

Yeah, if I were living in a basement I'd start skipping work.  Hell, if I was living in a basement I'd get a second job and try at least to live on the ground floor, but that's just me. 

I mean I'm all for the rock and roll lifestyle, wake up at noon, watch some Leave it to Beaver, roll over and go back to bed and all that - except my rock and roll lifestyle days being more like 9/10am and don't finish till 2/3am the next day, and I'm in my fifties - you are in your 20s, pulling 16 hour days should not be that hard.  Get a second, or even third job - hustle and all that.

There is no therapy - a life coach maybe - for what you need, or to change what you are doing.  You're doing one of those 'nowhere doing nothing' deals, and time slips away very fast.  Pick a place you want to be and start going that way.  It's not going to be perfect, it might not even wind up there, but nothing happens until you start to move.

I hate to butt in but when people don't get all the info its hard to make suggestive comments that fit the situation. This "rut" people are talkign about has just really happend in the last month. She's only had this job for a month. Before that she was on unemployment insurance for 9 months and I was working.  She's already taken a random day off by the way that was yesterday.

This to  me sounds like i'm tearing her down but i not. I'm just stating facts. I love her deeply but she's not the only one whos frustrated. I'm on unemployment insurance now because of the move and I'm actually planning to go to school to get my PSW certificate in May. Its just hard for me to do everything for her. And from what we finally talked about last night she wasnt raised to do anything for herself. If you knew her mother you knew that she was allowed to make ZERO dissions. She didnt even get to choose a collage or a course. She had to sign for a student loan she didnt need so mommy could buy a car. When asked why the Fbomb did you do that "cuz mom said so" *face palm*

I belive her when she say she has no idea how to think for herself. Because since I've known her i've taken care of her. I've done everything. From getting her that unemploment insruance to getting her almost every job she's ever had incuding the new one.To makeing sure there is a roof over our head even when that means begging family for help. I pay all the bills. I just want her to start living her life for herself and i dont know how to make that happen. I've tried not doing anything for her and just making dissions that affected me. Hence her being unemployed for 9 months and no attemps at getting a job. I've tried pushing her in a dirction. I'm out of ideas. Its getting to the point where when i look a head its actually looks easer alone. Because i'm already doing everything alone. Its just I love her far to much for that. I'd rather try and get her the help she needs so that she can find out what the hell she wants then just say screw it all you know?

wow..that all just kinda came bursting outta me so sorry adrianna if any of this hurts your feelings.

Thank you Ethan for the clarifications.

But seriously, the only way for Adrianna to get out there is to get out there.

A therapist will just tell her the same thing, but charge her for it.

May I suggest that, as a start, she might do some voluntary work in some area she likes?

I really appreciate that she has been closeted. I appreciate the problems this can create. But she needs to jump in.

I'm pretty certain Adrianna knows what she wants. You could take the time to weedle it out of her, then both of you make some sort of plan.

As for your frustrations with Adrianna. Hate to say it, but this is what life and relationships are all about.

Couples might make it look easy, but the reality is, everyone has problems, we share them and offer each other support. Provided you do this willingly and generously, it's an amazing feeling.

Adrianna needs your help right now. It's your responsibility to provide it. Unconditionally.

Hi Adrianna, i think a notebook and pen comes in handy, write yourself a to do list, write a list of things in order of how you want to start your day. Writing a list of top priorities on paper numbering from 1 to 3 and so on.. then set your goals of how you want to accomplish them, and check off each priority you have completed in your day. 

^Very good suggestion.  I would try and find the positives about yourself and make a list of what your likes are..what you find interesting etc.  What is it exactly your looking for?? How to be independent?  Is your wife an enabler?  That might pose a big problem if you are inflicting your wants for your to resolve or take care of what you feel you cant.  Im not saying it is easy, but you have to start i think by listing and the developing your interests and try to do things, slowly on your own.  Maybe ask your wife to help you do things yourself, so you dont have to rely on her or anyone else.

A todo list is a great motivator. I should make one some day  <--needs one badly

I see several things that adrianna can work on to help her start making decisions and take control of her life.

1. Limit the time spent playing video games to a couple of hours a day. Use that time for something useful and productive.

2. Now that there is more free time available, find a use for it. Ethan you may have to help Adrianna with this in the beginning. She needs to get out and interact with people, and shake off that rut. Some suggestions could be:

1. Volunteer somewhere. It is an incredibly uplifting experience.
2. Go back to school, or begin studying some new field or concept.
3. Start on a new hobby (do you have any interests that could be turned into a hobby?). Cooking,
art, etc.
4. Work part time somewhere, in a non demanding job (used book store, etc).

We all need something to validate us. Adrianna - you will not find validation in front of the tv - it must be your decision to find out what validates you, and make a decision to move toward it.

Ethan - you must quit enabling adrianna. If she gets uncomfortable enough then maybe she'll do something to change her life.

And my best wishes for both of you 

you know, she is never going to find her own way so long as other people are standing there emphatically pointing it out to her.

Please don't take this as me being mean but here's my two cents worth.

It sounds like co-dependency to me. Ask yourself, What would you do if every person that you depend on to make your decisions for you were to walk out of your life or pass away? What if you had no income at all and were only days away from being tossed out on the street? Then realize that it could actually happen.

Time to put on your big girl panties and start thinking for yourself. I'll give you the best advice that I ever heard. It was given to me by one of my therapist when I was 25. I went to her to ask for a prescription refill on one of my meds. She looked me right in the eye and said, "I'm going to tell you what you need. You don't need another prescription, you need to grow your ass up!" Those were her exact words and at first it stung but then it sunk in.

Sounds like a severe case of co-dependency and enabling.

Ethan, let her fail.
Adrianna, prove everyone else wrong, and succeed.

Simple, trite, and certainly deserving of more detail, but ultimately anything nice and wordy I would have said would have come to those two points.

If i let her fail then that causes us BOTH to fail. Like if I just let her up and quit. Then we have no money. Then I Have to go get a job and the cycle starts all over again because then she wont go look for one...and it goes on. Her dissions affect more then her right now. I'm not working yet though i'm now looking instead of following my dreams and going back to school because i CAN'T rely on her. She isnt consistent with work. There is always an excuse, always someone else to blame and its irritating. So i'm just givin up and goin back to work. I'm trying to take a huge step back and just let her do whatever in most things except work.

Like today. Normally i wake her up. Well its like 2:00 and she wakes up herself and comes out "You let me sleep until 2?!" I just looked at her and said "yes i'm not your mom i'm not waking you up.

Then because its snowed and the weathers a little bad she's like "I can call in due to weather conditions" Okay that would be the THIRD time in just over one month of working there. Yea okay good thinking. I'll admit we are having brake issues on our car but honestly its not that far, if she thought about it she could take the bus. BUt that would mean NOT playing the video games witch she's currently doing right now. So i'm at a loss. Do i let her just sit there and when the time comes to get in the car i have a feeling she's going to go out. Pretend to drive around the block. Come back in swear and cuss about how bad the roads are and how ->-bleeped-<-ty the car is and how unsafe it is to drive grab the phone and call in. This is not unusual in the house and its really irritating.
I guess i dont know how to let her fail without causing major effects to myself.

Also to answer someones question about what would happen to her if everyone just died or she was all alone i've asked you know what she says ? I'd die. simple as that. *face palm*