So a funny thing happened at my therapists last night... I her asked my what her opinion was. She said it was definitely GID and would write a letter recommending me to an endocrinologist any time I wanted. I was honestly surprised by my own reaction. I was over come with a a flood of emotions and I haven't really been able to think straight ever since. Even guided meditation didn't work. There is no silence between my thoughts; they are running through my head like kids running out of the building on the last day of school. I expected that I would be totally happy with it, and I am for the most part, but I'm not all giddy-happy like I thought I would be.

I'm both elated and scared. Elated because, well... I guess I knew from the beginning, and it feels so very comforting to have a professional validate it. I can finally take the next step, provided I want to. One more item to check off the list. But I'm scared because, well... It throws open the door of possibilities. I now have in front me many, many choices to make. Before, I knew the next step - talk to a therapist. Today, there are too many steps to count!

After she said that, she suggested that I wait a while longer before starting hrt. I asked her why. She told me that she's been waiting to see me be excited to be a girl and would love to hear me talk about how it makes me feel. She said I've got all the facts and figures and details and plans, but she would like to see me be excited and have feelings about it. Well, I go there as a boy and I'm talking about how I want to be a girl! Forgive me for not being all touchy feelie... It's pretty serious stuff! She said, "If you're going to be a girl, you need to get in touch with your feelings". Emphasis not added. Then she suggested I start a journal.

She ended the session by telling me to reflect on, ironically enough, "What it means for you to be a girl."

I guess, honestly, the reason I'm not feeling all giddy about the diagnosis probably has a lot to do with the later portion of the session. And so... The saga continues.

I know the feeling when you first get your diagnoses. It actually finally puts closure on a lot of uncertainty. I was actually euphoric and giddy when I first got mine but then got really scared not long afterwards. Because like you said. It opens the door. It is an incredibly important part of your journey. It is actually the doorway to it.

Weird on why she won't give you hormones. She wants you to be happy/girly with her? Strange.

Quote from: Dana Lane on February 24, 2010, 10:24:38 AM
She wants you to be happy/girly with her? Strange.

Right? I thought this was strange, too. I've been giving this serious thought since she said. I wonder if she's asking me to come like completely dressed up? I'm pretty andro, to the point that she's commented on it. Maybe she's asking me to be more open with her? I don't think I could be, I'm spilling my life story to her like I have to no one else! Maybe she thinks I'm emotionless? I suppose I can be rather cold and calculated when I talk to her. I just don't know, but now I wish I would have asked.

She didn't say wouldn't let me go on hrt, in fact she said she'd give me the letter whenever I wanted it. But she did recommended I wait a while longer. How much longer? She said she'd wait through the summer if she was me. She suggested starting with laser rather then hrt. hmmm.... interesting.

Quote from: Jasmine.m on February 24, 2010, 10:43:28 AM
Right? I thought this was strange, too. I've been giving this serious thought since she said. I wonder if she's asking me to come like completely dressed up? I'm pretty andro, to the point that she's commented on it. Maybe she's asking me to be more open with her? I don't think I could be, I'm spilling my life story to her like I have to no one else! Maybe she thinks I'm emotionless? I suppose I can be rather cold and calculated when I talk to her. I just don't know, but now I wish I would have asked.

She didn't say wouldn't let me go on hrt, in fact she said she'd give me the letter whenever I wanted it. But she did recommended I wait a while longer. How much longer? She said she'd wait through the summer if she was me. She suggested starting with laser rather then hrt. hmmm.... interesting.

Well, when you get on hormones maybe you would be happy/girly. Tell her to write the scrip! Just kidding, have her do it when you are ready but hormones have helped my mental balance a great deal and made me happy/giddy/content and a ton of other things.

Quote from: Jasmine.m on February 24, 2010, 09:10:16 AM
So a funny thing happened at my therapists last night... I her asked my what her opinion was. S

Have a look on PuBmed for an article by Fleming and Feinbloom for 1984/5  Transsexual identical to adolescents..  then ask yourself if you believe the Dutch brain researchers who say TS have bits of female brain...then you suddenly realise why transitioning FOR A TRUE TS is like a normal girl's adolescence...this upsets all the transgereds.

Jasmine, I think I understand your reaction to her telling you she will write the letter.  At various stages in my transition it suddenly became more real.  That sudden reality can be unsettling and scary.  I first thought she wanted you to come to terms with that.  (If you're like me, you have to process it a bit.)

I'm not sure about the girly bit.  I am far more girly (womanly) than I was a year ago, but it has taken my transition to settle into it.  You don't just throw a switch and all those repressed feelings and ways of thinking come on full force.  Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think she just wants you to think about the ramifications of all this some more so that you are more comfortable in your decision to proceed.

The point of all this is to become who you are - whoever you are.  My advice (even though you didn't ask for it) is to just be yourself.  Don't put on an act for her.  It takes time to move through all these stages.  Move at your own pace.

- Kate

Thanks, Kate! I also feel that I'm quite feminine. It's odd, because she's commented on how fem I am in the past. She's said things like she thinks I might push the line, go too far,  people probably know but just don't say anything, etc. I like your interpretation about being more comfortable. I think I'll stick with that until the next time I have a chance to ask her. 

Btw... Your advice is always welcome, whether it's explicitly requested or not!