hi

how do you deal with the following contradiction..  on the one hand i feel like experiencing some kind of chemical warfare effects by which i mean masculinitys hold of my (physical) body tightens every day with all its glamorous symptoms like deep voice, hair etc

but then again id like somebody to fulfill exactly that role.. who will play the male role in a relationship

now that puzzles me because how can i expect somebody to do somewhich i myself do not wish to

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I guarantee you that there are plenty of people in the world who will be more than happy to fulfill the "male role" in a relationship with you no matter if you are interested in men or women. I can't figure out why anyone would want to be a man either but thank God they do! 

Most women have no interest in taking on a masculine role - especially not straight women. I don't see any reason why you should!

One of the things that makes relationships work is that the people in them aren't identical. They have different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etcetera. And in straight relationships, they have different gender identity and expression. In butch/femme, boi/girl, daddy/boy, bear/twink and similarly structured gay relationships, the difference in gender expression still shows up. The overwhelming majority of humans on the planet are not in a relationship with someone whose gender expression is the same as their own. And that doesn't mean they don't value and appreciate their partner's gender expression - it just doesn't suit them.

Think about a body analogy. Are you attracted to male body parts on other people? Doesn't it make sense that you could be, even if you don't want them on yourself? I'm not straight, but even I know women can be nice to look at - I just don't want to be one.

If you want to be girly... and you want to be with somebody manly... isn't that being straight? 

I don't really see the contradiction.

You like men but don't want to be a man, that's the way it is with me anyway, maybe it is for you too.

It's no more a contradiction than a straight guy being attracted to girls, they don't want to be a girl they just want relationships with them.