As I come (back) out to myself and start to re-remember my childhood, something stands out to me. When I was little, I was still shy, but I talked a reasonable amount, didn't mind phones, sang in choir, all the normal stuff.

I think it changed in middle school. They divided the choir by vocal range for the first time. I managed to force my voice deep enough to get the teacher to let me sing tenor (I think she must have caught on to the gender issue, since there's no way I actually belonged in the tenor section). But it was really hard to hit the notes, and when the other boys' voices deepened and strengthened and we started singing more challenging stuff, mine didn't. The voice in my head did, though.

I eventually stopped being able to sing, because the voice in my head didn't match what was actually coming out of my mouth - I couldn't match a note reliably, even one legitimately in my range, because my body wasn't following instructions, even though my voice itself hadn't really changed much in pitch or timbre since I was 12 or so. I'd have to start producing sound and then adjust the pitch based on what came out, which is frankly awful, like bad American Idol level awful.

I also stopped talking as much. Hearing myself was weird, and after I heard a recording of my own voice, became even weirder. Shyness started to morph into something that looked a lot more like social anxiety. I don't know if it's related, but it seems reasonable that it could be - during the same period I developed a weird fear of phones. I'm frankly terrified by them. I will walk miles to take care of business in person if the alternative is talking on the phone.

Anyone else have any similar experiences?

Most people dislike the sound of their own voice, and often can't even ID it.

Well, yes, but mine are releated to passing. I hate that my voice isn't deep enough, always hated it, even before transitioning (read: age 12 or 13)

always hated the sound of my voice with it having nothing to do with passing. I believe its just because we think we sound differently.

My voice is still changing after 19 months on T.  I've found it's still not very loud, and tends to crack more if I try to speak louder.  Fine at work and most businesses, but if I have to shout it sucks.  And seems to get higher and hoarser.

So if I find I have to raise my voice I feel a bit more insecure, even though I pass.


Jay

Yeah, but funny enough, now I get a bit anxious on the phone or talking to people because my voice is really dropping.

I use to before T, but I've been on T going on 5 years now. Its really deep now. in the morning i still startle myself when its hella deep. kinda turns me on.. but yah thats weird. umm nevermind lol

Yeah, I have a phobia of telephones because of my voice and have always had that even before I wanted to pass. 

I just posted in another thread about how my voice is one of my top dysphorias.

I used to always think "I have such a deep voice for a 'girl'..." because the voice in my head was me, and the voice that came out of my mouth, I somehow just didn't "hear" it. I sincerely thought I had a really low voice, and I loved it. It was one of few comforts in that area actually.

Then when I was 22 (8 years ago) I was recording my voicemail message at work. I'd heard my voice recorded before, and I knew it sounded dumb, but I thought that was just what happens when you record your voice, it doesn't sound like it does in real life. I mentioned to my coworker, "don't you hate how your voice sounds so ridiculously high on a recording?" and he was like "uh, it sounds a little different because of the bones in the head [yadda yadda yadda - which I already knew], but the recording DOES sound like everyone else hears your voice". I was dumbfounded... completely and utterly stunned.

Now, I'm a fairly bright guy, and I should've figured that out just by hearing other people's voicemails and realizing that they sound like they normally do, but I just had a complete mental block on that one, so it never occurred to me. I just thought that of course my voice doesn't sound like that, bones-in-the-head aside, my voice is WAY deeper than any recording of it has ever been. Once I realized that I sound like a girl, it became such a huge stumbling block for my confidence. My inner voice actually changed to sound like my external voice, and it drove me crazy. This was long before I finally let myself admit that I'm a guy, and I was right in the thick of "trying really hard to be a girl", and yet even as such, it was like something deep inside me was stolen away and I was left with a gaping maw in its place.

Ever since then I've absolutely hated my voice, because it just doesn't sound like it *should*, and for 8 long excruciating years my internal voice didn't even sound like me. Once I finally came out as trans, I was at last able to get my real internal voice back. The one I'd always heard in my head before that day when I realized what I sounded like to the world. Nowadays, it still really bothers me that my outside voice doesn't sound like my real voice, but at least my internal monologue sounds like me again.

I never really did choir after elementary school-- I did band (trumpet and tuba) and it was widely known in our band that band kids do NOT sing.  So whenever we were asked to we sang as horribly as possible as a matter of pride.  When I did sing for fun on my own, I sang as low as I possibly could and I thought I had an amazing low range and I was proud of it.

Then last year I took voice lessons for fun my senior year of college.  I was devistated when the professor declared me a soprano in front of the entire class and said he was determined to build my upper range.  And he did.  We also found out I was hurting my voice by singing too low all these years and as he made me sing higher and higher I started losing all those low notes and now I have a horrible low range even for a soprano.  My speaking voice also got a lot higher last year after taking that class from him forcing me to work in my voice's comfortable range.  I'm still glad I took the class because I learned a lot about singing and probably stopped myself from hurting my voice by forcing it down too low.  Hopefully some day I can get on T and bring my voice to where it should be.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on March 01, 2010, 03:54:03 PM
I used to always think "I have such a deep voice for a 'girl'..." because the voice in my head was me, and the voice that came out of my mouth, I somehow just didn't "hear" it. I sincerely thought I had a really low voice, and I loved it. It was one of few comforts in that area actually.

Then when I was 22 (8 years ago) I was recording my voicemail message at work. I'd heard my voice recorded before, and I knew it sounded dumb, but I thought that was just what happens when you record your voice, it doesn't sound like it does in real life. I mentioned to my coworker, "don't you hate how your voice sounds so ridiculously high on a recording?" and he was like "uh, it sounds a little different because of the bones in the head [yadda yadda yadda - which I already knew], but the recording DOES sound like everyone else hears your voice". I was dumbfounded... completely and utterly stunned.

Now, I'm a fairly bright guy, and I should've figured that out just by hearing other people's voicemails and realizing that they sound like they normally do, but I just had a complete mental block on that one, so it never occurred to me. I just thought that of course my voice doesn't sound like that, bones-in-the-head aside, my voice is WAY deeper than any recording of it has ever been. Once I realized that I sound like a girl, it became such a huge stumbling block for my confidence.

That is exactly what happened with me, but it was home not work and I was about 16 or 17. I always was so surprised at my voice on answering machines or home videos. And whenever I would tell people that I sounded so weird on recordings they would look at me like I was crazy.

Quote from: Carson on March 02, 2010, 08:06:52 AM
That is exactly what happened with me, but it was home not work and I was about 16 or 17. I always was so surprised at my voice on answering machines or home videos. And whenever I would tell people that I sounded so weird on recordings they would look at me like I was crazy.

When I was taking the voice classe we had to do "voice journals" where we basically spilled our soul voice-wise to the professor.  I mentioned the first time I heard my voice on the answering machine and how I refused to speak for like a week after that and how I HATE the sound of my voice and he assured me that no one likes the sound of their voice on recordings, no matter who they are.  It's just way too different from the voice in our heads.

I actually don't mind my voice on recordings, etc - I did for a little while when I first heard it, but truth is it's really not bad as voices go. It's just not mine. And I don't mean it's not what I hear coming out of my mouth - it's reasonably close to that, allowing for the bone conduction thing - but it's not what I intend to come out. It comes out shifted about half an octave up from wherever I'm aiming.

It's really obvious when I'm trying to sing along to the radio or whatever, and I'm trying to match the notes the singer is hitting, and it comes out shifted up...even when the singer is female or singing in a high range. It's like if I were trying to pick up a book on a shelf, but when I reached for it, my hand kept going one shelf up from the book I was looking at. Really frustrating.

I've been rather uncomfortable with my voice before. I just never liked it being in that slighty feminine, more androgynous range. I'm pretty lucky because I have a passing voice now, but it was never about passing before now. I've tried more and more over the years to keep things lower and such. It has obviously paid off at the moment, but I continuously push my voice lower because I feel like that's my voice and what's coming out isn't. I don't have a distinct voice in my head, but sometimes when I sing along to songs the lower ranges I sing to are quite pleasing.

So yeah. Unrelated to passing, I've grown into this insecurity. Related to passing, man am I paranoid someone will pick me out despite it being male enough at 18.

Quote from: kyril on March 02, 2010, 02:29:28 PM
It's just not mine. And I don't mean it's not what I hear coming out of my mouth - it's reasonably close to that, allowing for the bone conduction thing - but it's not what I intend to come out. It comes out shifted about half an octave up from wherever I'm aiming.

It's really obvious when I'm trying to sing along to the radio or whatever, and I'm trying to match the notes the singer is hitting, and it comes out shifted up...even when the singer is female or singing in a high range. It's like if I were trying to pick up a book on a shelf, but when I reached for it, my hand kept going one shelf up from the book I was looking at. Really frustrating.

EXACTLY!! That is such a good analogy, I wish I'd thought of that when I was trying to explain it to my mom a little while ago, sheesh! 

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on March 01, 2010, 03:54:03 PM
I used to always think "I have such a deep voice for a 'girl'..." because the voice in my head was me, and the voice that came out of my mouth, I somehow just didn't "hear" it. I sincerely thought I had a really low voice, and I loved it. It was one of few comforts in that area actually.

Then when I was 22 (8 years ago) I was recording my voicemail message at work. I'd heard my voice recorded before, and I knew it sounded dumb, but I thought that was just what happens when you record your voice, it doesn't sound like it does in real life. I mentioned to my coworker, "don't you hate how your voice sounds so ridiculously high on a recording?" and he was like "uh, it sounds a little different because of the bones in the head [yadda yadda yadda - which I already knew], but the recording DOES sound like everyone else hears your voice". I was dumbfounded... completely and utterly stunned.

Okay, I feel the same way about the voice. It's nice and low from what I can hear and from what my SO says.

But are freaking serious about our voice recordings being what our voice really sounds like?!    I sound like such a woman on those and everyone knows it except for me?! UHG! I feel so... put down.

Damn voice.   

I am a singer as well,
and I've always loved singing songs by men vocalists.

So whenever I'd sing a Bush song,
or a Nirvana song,
I couldn't/CAN'T do it.

It makes me really sad,
because I live to sing,
and what I WANT to sing,
I can't.

:[

I'm uncomfortable with my voice. ): I think it's mainly because what I hear in my head and what it sounds like on recordings and the like are so different.