I wasn't sure where to post this, but I need to vent somewhere or I'll explode.

I've made a big mistake. I chose two people to confide in during this delicate period of needing to transition but left playing the waiting game for my first proper appointment, and got two very different reactions.

To clarify, I'm Christian. I've made a lot of friends at church, and one lady I explained to about the whole transition thing was taken very well. She was very understanding and supportive, generally taking it a lot better than I'd hoped. The other guy, although also Christian, is a different story.

I'm not sure what's wrong with him, but paranoia is definitely one of them. He can get nasty if there's the remotest sense that people don't like him, and he's also a big bloke, so me being only 5' 4", I'd rather avoid a physical confrontation at all costs. I hate any kind, really. But anyway - the sad thing is, that underneath the bitterness is a really nice guy who just wants to be liked - he's just got so bitter and twisted over the years. He's confided in me and offered the same to me - something I don't get often - although there's still a sense of treading eggshells, which makes things a little awkward.

The main problem here is my compassionate, empathetic nature. Vulnerable/mentally ill people seem to home in on this - I broke up with one lad who suffered from Asperger's, and that night he kept trying to get himself run over. Now I have this guy, who I've known for about six months to a year, wanting a relationship with me.

It was more pleasant at first. I told him carefully that some relationships were better off staying as friends. He seemed to accept that. This was after I'd already told him that I didn't want a relationship with anyone - both of which are true, as that's the last thing I need right now. The problem started when, a bit later, he kept persuading me to give him a go, with me always replying "No", or "I can't". He started to ask why. Since I'm such a bad liar and he'd be the last person I wanted to catch me out, I just told him "It's complicated", or some such thing. He wouldn't let up, and I began to fear for my safety - he wasn't threatening in behaviour, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that, if this continued for an extended period of time, he could end up raping me. Survival instincts took over, and I made the mistake of telling him the truth.

It worked, in that he stopped asking. However, then began the debate over whether this was the right thing to do, and in doing so he was practically bashing me over the head with a bible I already read. He accused me of leaving Jesus, following the devil, that I was made a woman and that's how it should stay. I knew better than to argue (although I did try to fight our corner), and just left. All was fine until I walked home with my housemate tonight, whereupon we came across this guy stood outside his house. Thankfully my housemate knows how to deal with him, which saved us all from a potentially sticky situation.

My housemate is wonderfully patient. Said hello out of politeness, but the guy's response was to launch into "You know what she said before? Is this right, what she's doing?!" without so much as a hello back. I have to admit, it was funny in a way that this guy just assumed that my housemate knew exactly what he was on about, when in reality he doesn't know yet!

That's the problem. That's what I'm faced with - yes, I clearly messed up, and I'm already paying big time. I'm just worried he's gonna throw open my closet door before I'm ready to tell that many people - the idea is for me to have my first therapist's appointment, but tell a small handful of people beforehand more to gauge their reactions. My biggest concern is that I'm gonna get paranoid myself, since my trust's already been tested once.

I want to tell people. I want to tell them how I've been living in limbo for most of my life, and now finally have a chance to make it whole. With the world the way it is though, I know I have to be careful in how and who I tell. I just have this picture in my head of how he's gonna out me at church after the service - may be silly, may be justified, I don't know.

Ugh... damn it, what am I so scared of?! Why can't I just be me in peace?!

Find a LGBT friendly church. No sense ignoring your spiritual life.
It sucks that this dude went off on you like that, you will find out who are your true friends as you go forward. Some of us lose alot. I would sugest controling your coming out instead of letting a vengfull ex friend spread the rumours. I do not know at all how I would handle your situation.

Well, here's the thing - despite the popular belief there that "homosexuality isn't a sin, but homosexual practice is", they also believe that no one should be exempt from Christ's love and so accept everyone. It's just this one guy (so far), although I feel God telling me I really need to speak to my pastor, so I'll know from him whether I'll still be welcome there. If it turns out I'm not, so be it, although it'd be a shame 'cause it feels like a second family

But yes, it's very true that you soon find out who your friends are. I'm house-sharing with two guys, so I really need to at least tell them soon. Preferably before ex-friend gets to housemate first, but I won't see him 'til tomorrow evening

I'm not sure what to tell you, Nemo.  You should try to control your coming-out as best you can, but sometimes things get out of hand.  It sounds to me like your next steps are to talk to your housemate and talk to your pastor.

Good luck.  This isn't an easy process.

- Kate

You gave the guy a knock back. Now he's running around calling you (effectively), a pervert.

I am pretty sure most girls in the world have had that.

As for your intentions, they are your business.  I suggest you laugh the guy off. I am pretty certain almost everyone else will laugh with you. I'm not suggesting you lie, simply don't say anything. Why should you? He's clearly in the wrong for refusing to take no for an answer. That is the only issue.

As for being aggressive, I strongly suggest you tell someone about this. Even if he did have biblical backing, and I don't agree he does, there is absolutely no biblical backing for him being aggressive. If necessary, tell the police. The only issue is his violence. You don't need to excuse yourself. No-one has the right to be violent or threatening.

As for the women you've already told, I suggest you tell her that he has tried to date you. You said you weren't interested and when he pressed you, you told him the truth. Then tell her that he's being aggressive. I'm pretty sure she will back you up.

Sooner or later, your Church will find out about your plans. But they are not the issue here. This guy refusing to take no for an answer is.

I appreciate your attempts to be compassionate with this guy. But he clearly is someone who seeks to dominate others. He sees your compassion as a weakness and wants to exploit it to justify his own feelings of inferiority.

Sometimes you just need to walk away for some people. Even Jesus knew that. And He said as much, several times.

If he persists in harassing you, get a restraining order and let him know his behavior is NOT acceptable.

Well... that's... a kinda frightening situation to be in.  I wouldn't worry so much about him telling the church--they're going to find out sooner or later.  However, if he does tell them anything, it may not paint you in the best light.  It may be best to head him off and tell them yourself.

As for the guy--I dunno, maybe I'm over-cautious and lack a basic trust in people, but... what you wrote about him set off my alarm bells.  He sounds unstable, and you alluded to that one yourself (attracting vulnerable/mentally unstable people).  If he keeps on with this, watch out for yourself and I would seriously consider a restraining order if he does anything else out of line.

Nemo - you've run into a real nut. Please take any and all precautions dear. This guy scares me.

Secondly - Christians come in all sizes, from bible thumpers who are only concerned with being bibically "right" all the way down to people that are genuinely concerned about you, and care for you. I've personally run into the first type more times than i care to admit, and it gets old after awhile. IMO they entirely missed the point. The second kind is refreshing. Sounds like your guy is a bible thumper. Avoid him.

And finally, find a church that is accepting, and has a worship service that you enjoy.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers 

Nemo, you might want to talk to your pastor ASAP and maybe mention this guy's threatening manner. But definitely consider telling the cops about him. You don't know what he's capable of beyond intimidation, and he sounds unstable.

Be very careful with the housemates, and be prepared to move out if they give you any grief.

Wow, thanks guys I do need to say a few things:

First off, he hasn't been physically violent towards me (yet), just intimidating, which is plenty bad enough. I will certainly tell my housemate everything when he gets back. I do worry about it becoming a stalker issue or something, and I'll tell him that too. Will certainly keep the cops in mind, although I'm hoping it won't come to that.

Secondly, pastor - I was hoping to speak to him sometime this week, but he's on retreat for a few days. I will try to get hold of him before this Sunday, or even between services on Sunday (we have three, two being evening). I'm a little calmer now about word getting out, but I'd still rather avoid that if possible.

Thirdly, housemates - this is actually my biggest fear. One of them's already asking me a few times if I'm alright, maybe he senses that I'm pre-occupied *shrug* If I was still living with family it wouldn't be a problem - sounds weird considering other stories, but they're very open-minded. It was Mum who first got me thinking about the whole gender thing; she noticed before I did that something was up. Instead I'm sharing with two guys who go to my church, and I'm really praying they're at best understanding, at worst just won't kick me out.

Thanks again for all your support, folks

If you can get the support of your pastor, that could help with your roommates, if they have problems with you.

Well, I do have a small update on the situation:

Had a word with previously mentioned housemate, who I forgot to add is actually "tenant landlord". Although he also said he didn't believe God would want this, he was a lot more supportive, saying how he was concerned and didn't want me to come to any harm Above all, my place here is safe - he was even surprised that I'd have that concern (I went on to explain that people have been kicked out for it, and he was even more bewildered), so that's one weight off my mind.

I emailed my pastor - only here we have a rector and two assistants, one of them female. My first thought was the rector since he's in charge, but housemate advised - almost begged - me to also inform the female co-leader, so I've done that just now - forwarded what I sent to rector, in fact. What I did was link to my story posts on here and my blog, so they can read for themselves. I also included the link I found on here under "resource for pastor" or something like that. So that's the next big thing... all without getting to see a gender therapist yet!

About other guy - did explain to housemate, in fact I told him that first. Will remain extra-cautious - housemate just advised to walk away when he starts, will have to try that. Other, female church friend left a message on my voicemail to arrange a drink out somewhere this Sat, so she's plainly still wanting to stay friends, which is just awesome I do feel much better for getting all this off my chest to at least one other person (especially being a housemate, who's bound to notice something at some point). Not to mention it makes the whole thing more real. Feels pretty good thinking about it, actually

YAY. It gets easier each time. Your on your way now sweety.

Big steps, Nemo.  Congrats . 

Thanks It certainly feels easier now I have another, even more amazing update:

As expected, I haven't heard back from my Rector yet, since he's on retreat like I said. However, the female associate rector I also emailed just replied:

QuoteHi Sarah,

   Thanks for sharing this with me and for being so honest about  what is obviously a really difficult and stressful thing for you to be dealing with.  It would be good for you to meet up with Jonathan to talk about it.  But I wanted you to know that as far as St. George's goes you are a member of the family and are a valued individual.  Our concern is to be able to walk with you and pray with you as you wrestle with really painful things, and for you to know the care of the church family.

God Bless

Joanna

I was that happy to read it I just had to share If Jonathan's equally supportive, that's two massive weights off my mind

I would like to ask some advice though, while I'm here - I've been reading through this page, and was dismayed to find it can take nearly a year before I get to see a gender therapist. My inner male is crying "I can't wait that long!" Is it common to start transitioning (i.e. dressing and otherwise living as alternate gender) while waiting? Starting slowly, obviously - no way am I ready to do that at work (let alone church) just yet, I'd rather wait 'til the hormones kick in for that - but as in going out to places where I'm not known, as a male? Is that a good idea to start doing that? My mind's already far ahead, imagining life as Sam...

Wow.  Sounds like you've been busy.  I've run across the "not God's will" type myself more than a few times (old church, which we did end up leaving, and family). 

It's good that it sounds like your priests are (or will be, hopefully) on board-- they know what the Bible says and what it doesn't, and if you're in the kind of place with female clergy, then you should be more or less okay as a trans man. 

The one thing you want to be aware of is how people will view you during transition.  Even at the point where I'm quite passable (so I keep getting told) people were complaining to our rector about "man in a dress" ->-bleeped-<-.  Once it got to the point where I was asked to step down from a ministry, we ended up just leaving the church entirely and finding a different one.  I had the complete support of the rector during this time, but even with that, and the guarantee that we would "always have a home" it was total BS.  You can't control everyone.  I wouldn't have left my old church except it was 1.) more conservative than I would have liked and 2.) since I was known previously, as a guy, it was going to be hard for me to leave that behind.  Once it started affecting my ability to be involved in ministries, I decided it was time to leave.

I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I would recommend that aside from the rector, that you not tell people unless you really want to.  Just because they're being nosy doesn't mean it's any of their business.  I made the mistake of telling everyone by way of announcement and wouldn't do that if I had it to do over again.  Transitioning is *your* business and no one else's. 

Quote from: Nemo on March 04, 2010, 03:02:35 PM
Hi Sarah,

   Thanks for sharing this with me and for being so honest about  what is obviously a really difficult and stressful thing for you to be dealing with.  It would be good for you to meet up with Jonathan to talk about it.  But I wanted you to know that as far as St. George's goes you are a member of the family and are a valued individual.  Our concern is to be able to walk with you and pray with you as you wrestle with really painful things, and for you to know the care of the church family.

God Bless

Joanna

I'm not gonna lie, this made me cry.  I'm really happy you have people like this in your life .

Hello again I would have replied sooner, but wanted to hear from Jonathan first. Since I have now (more on that later), I'll start by saying:

Jessica: I have no intention of telling anyone else just yet. Except maybe my mum if she senses something up - she did spot something wrong years ago, and has often said how she feels for people in our position, that it must be awful feeling trapped in the wrong body; we have had some deep and complex talks over the years, so I feel I really do need to offload to her a little. About the church - I do have a back-up plan if I do have to leave because of the people, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. There's a grand total of one GLBT friendly church in Leeds, but it's quite nearby and is the same denomination as my current one

Jen: Aaaaaw Hey, if you liked that, you're gonna love this:

Quote from: JonathanSarah,
Thanks for explaining what you're going thru. Sorry for the delay in
replying, but I've been away on retreat for 3 days.
I don't know much about your condition, or the possibilities open to
you; but whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, you are loved
by God and welcome at StGs.
I wd like to talk to you, to offer you support, and so that you can fill
me in on what I don't understand. I will have lots of questions!
Thanks for trusting me.

Ah yes - questions. Tomorrow's gonna be fun... good job I've done some research

Good luck!

Thanks - I'll hold that for tomorrow, 'cause I didn't get to see him on Sunday. Instead I got an email today, saying they'd both like to see me.

I wanted to say this, though:

We had a licencing service tonight, to welcome our new minister into the church. There was a part of the sermon that really hit home, and it feels like a prayer's been answered - I'd prayed that if God was the one leading me through this change, that He make it known in no uncertain terms. He did that tonight when the Bishop said "Relinquish all you have made for yourself, and accept what God has made for you." That, accompanied by talk of willing to change and be reborn as God wants you to be, moved me almost to tears.

I made my excuses after coffee after a while and went home, straight to my room where I tugged off my clothes and slipped into these new black jeans that arrived yesterday. Yes I'm packing (socks), yes I'm binding (as far as I can in this swimsuit, 'cause it doesn't do too well), and it feels great. I am so going out like this tomorrow, I don't care what others think anymore; if I don't dress and go out properly soon, I'll go nuts!