This weekend has brought me several new difficulties to consider.

Oh well, it is what it is and I'll just make the best of it.

Thanks,
Randi

While this forum offers great help for folks in the process of bring out their inner selves, it's a fact of life that the needs of others in our lives often outweigh our own. I've been through such periods with both my parents. You may have to progress personally a lot slower than you would otherwise, but try keep things in perspective. Your father probably needs you now more than he's ever needed you before. You will have more time for yourself later. Hang in there.

Lyric

Thanks Lyric,

After seeing what all I will need to do, it may not be quite as difficult as I had feared. I am one of those who burn the candles at both ends-I have to stay busy doing something constructive. I currently have two music projects going and have yet to decide which one will be put back on the list of things to do because there just isn't enought time in my days to get it all done.  Yes I must agree that things will move slower than they have been of late.

My father and I have always had a 'difficult' relationship and time has not made it any easier. If my initial post may have sounded 'crass or selfish' it was and I apologize for it. I just needed to vent to get my head right so I could decide what to do next.

I noticed my mother looking at my chest in a quizzical kind of way but she made no comment. I am very close to her and we are like two peas in a pod. If nothing else I can take this for confirmation that I am indeed changing.

I posted in the non-op section because I am uncertain that I will get to finish what I have started.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on March 11, 2010, 02:18:52 PM
....I posted in the non-op section because I am uncertain that I will get to finish what I have started.

Randi

Just to let you know that there are a number of us in this section too Randi...

I still find it amazing how I don't get asked more questions about the bulges in my shirt or my overall bodyshape...

I suppose we just keep hoping that if we keep progress really slow that when the time comes we will get a more postive response from those we love........



Chrissty

Hello Chrissty! I get sick at my stomach when I think about giving up completely but it is one possible outcome-although not very likely in the long term. I love how I am changing and don't want to ever go back to the way I was before. My wife has said that if changes are gradual and slow to happen she might be ok with it-but we all know how fickle people really are-especially when it comes to matters of gender. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. In the beginning it scared me when someone looked at my chest. Now it doesn't bother me at all-but since coming to truly know about myself I have successfully confronted fears on several fronts and am getting more and more confident in my presentation-or lack thereof. And I also know that there will be days that I will revisit my reasons to continue from time to time. Yes, further progress will probably be slow.

Bye for now,
Randi

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Post Merge: March 18, 2010, 04:04:12 PM

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well i can only hope for the best for you
if it was me , i wouldn't quit if i already started . i mean to me ,it's either everything i can get done , or nothing at all , because it's meaningless to me to just stand in the middle of things
but i'm not married , and my family will never accept it ,and i'll have to totally leave the country to start my journey . so the difficulties with me is different than yours but i think you should go all the way too , your parents will eventually come to terms of acceptance because they love you unconditionally , and your wife , well you know her better than anyone , and i never been married so i don't know what would her reaction be if you go all the way . if i were you , i would consider her in my plans if she is willing to live with the me and if she really try hard to meet me halfway i would too

anyway , i'm sure everything will workout eventually , good luck and have patience

Hi Lia, Thanks for your comments. I find that when I have difficulties I am paying too much attention to myself and what I want. Things will work out fine if I can keep from getting upset over things that bug me. It's the little things that get me nowadays-not the large scale problems-I am able to compartmentalize them but it's the seemingly insignifigant & unforseen details that trip me up. I am much more emotional than I was before estrogen so needless to say I cry more than before but am getting better at not worrying about things in general. When I stay busy I can cope much easier so it's a good thing I don't have much down time right now. Lately I have been dealing with feeling all alone (not unusual around here) but I don't have a choice but to make it work for me somehow. Yes I see now all too well that this is at times difficult-possibly the most difficult thing I will ever do.

Randi

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.  Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."



-Albert Schweitzer

Quote from: Randi on March 17, 2010, 05:50:16 PM
Hello Chrissty! I get sick at my stomach when I think about giving up completely but it is one possible outcome-although not very likely in the long term. I love how I am changing and don't want to ever go back to the way I was before.

My wife has said that if changes are gradual and slow to happen she might be ok with it-but we all know how fickle people really are-especially when it comes to matters of gender. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. In the beginning it scared me when someone looked at my chest. Now it doesn't bother me at all-but since coming to truly know about myself I have successfully confronted fears on several fronts and am getting more and more confident in my presentation-or lack thereof.

...And I also know that there will be days that I will revisit my reasons to continue from time to time. Yes, further progress will probably be slow.

Bye for now,

Randi

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Post Merge: March 18, 2010, 04:04:12 PM

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..Hi Randi...

...sometimes it takes time to reply... not because we don't want to ...but because we simply don't know how.......

..this is a constant learning process.....

..at least you have been able to enter a dialogue with your wife over this...I'm still stuck after the last foray into the feelings that haunted me a few years back, which ended in a commitment to my growing family above my needs.....

...but when we think we want to stop, have you noticed that it is half-hearted sham in comparison to the thoughts of finding an acceptable way to continue on our path?....

..gosh these feelings run so deep I'm beginning to believe they can overpower reality...

..I started therapy over a year ago looking to fight a demon in my head, but every turn says I'm wrong and the demon is right... if I ever let the thoughts of others rule my life, then slowly but surely, the people who know me as Chrissty are expressing increasing surprise at my reluctance to transition whatever the cost...including my therapist....

..Randi...I realise this still doesn't help your situation, but again I hope you main find some comfort in not being alone...



Chrissty

Hi Chrissty, I just want to give you a big hug. For the past few weeks I have had times when I feel all alone and afraid. When noone replied to my posts I really felt alone and retreated into my shell and I have spent quality time crying-something I have never done (I like to think I am better for it). But I trudge slowly forward and I cope somehow. I always appreciate your posts-you are very sweet and I thank God for you. Your words help more than you know.

My wife and I are getting along much better of late. She goes out of her way to make me comfortable and worries about my depression and makes it plain that she really is sincere about helping me thru it. I have been greatly blessed and now I can see it. In spite of my gender issues I have a wonderful life. I can do this and stay relatively sane through the process.

Bye for now,
Randi

If you ever need to talk about something, or feel alone, just drop me a pm.

I will rarely be away from Susan's for more than a couple of days at a time, I just don't always get time to post on the forum these days...

Your wife sounds wonderful..I worry that my wife will not be allowed by her family to be supportive, even if she wanted to (they just live too close to us for comfort)....

*Hugs*

Chrissty

Thanks Chrissty, I will get in touch. A friend is something I haven't had in a few years and I feel I have found one in you in spite of being on opposite sides of a rather large pool of water. I am very sorry that your wife can't support you in this. Feel free to get in touch with me if you want or need to.

One thing that is helping me is I have started playing music in a band again so I have something to help keep me busy and not dwelling on things I can't easily change. Like I said earlier I have a good life and it could be so much worse than it is so I am thankful.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on April 16, 2010, 12:20:47 PM
One thing that is helping me is I have started playing music in a band again so I have something to help keep me busy and not dwelling on things I can't easily change. Like I said earlier I have a good life and it could be so much worse than it is so I am thankful.

Randi

Hey thats great... I'm a sound/lighting engineer, roadie, and DJ, nothing as grand as Tekla, but I have some talent for making smaller gear work surprisingly well.... 

..I guess I've achieved a reasonably good life too...I just don't understand why I feel so depressed...unless its the fact that I keep denying myself a future...?

What sort of music do you like to play?



Chrissty

This project is Christian Rock or some people might call it 'contemporary' music. The basic sound is akin to Switchfoot or Kutless. It's definately guitar rock and roll!
At one time or another I have played everything from Willie Nelson to Weather Report(one of my heroes was Jaco Pastorius) to Lynyrd Skynyrd to Emerson, Lake, & Palmer(again Greg Lake-big influence on my playing & singing down thru the years).
I along with several of my friends was taught sound engineering & reinforcement by _ _ who now works FOH for (it doesn't matter anyway). 

I hope to have some audio clips up on the facebook page soon. I will send you a link when I get them done.

Later,
Randi

Hi randi ive been following your posts since you joined im sorry if i havnt responded as well i kind of scan the new posts section grabbing a few as i go to respond to. i would like to second chrissy in saying if you wanna talk feel free to pm me as well many hugs sister
p.s. im happy things with your wife are still going well
jessica

Thanks Jesse, that means alot to me. My relationship with my wife is good right now but I do not present as female with her-she can't take it and I respect her feelings. So I learn and study and in general try not to stress over what I can't change. I have plenty to keep me occupied so I don't think about my GI all the time. I will be changing my meds soon so hopefully that will help some as well.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on April 17, 2010, 08:15:15 AM
Thanks Jesse, that means alot to me. My relationship with my wife is good right now but I do not present as female with her-she can't take it and I respect her feelings. So I learn and study and in general try not to stress over what I can't change. I have plenty to keep me occupied so I don't think about my GI all the time. I will be changing my meds soon so hopefully that will help some as well.

Randi

I really don't mind if you choose to answer this or not, so please don't take this the wrong way......

...but has your wife seen you presenting female?

..and did that cause her to ask you not to, or is it a just a discomfort thing for her?

I'm asking because my current situation is very much geared to a complicated version of this problem....

...Oh and Hi Jesse..

*hugs*

Chrissty

Chrissty, You can ask me anything you want to and no I don't take offense to you asking. YES and she totally freaked out! It was not at all pretty for a long while after that happened so I do not provoke another episode of fear & retalliation. We had several discussions that ended with my going online and looking for a place to go. Now she lets me have more privacy in my attic studio and calls on the phone if she needs anything so I can be by myself for a while and dress as female-yes she knows and does not like it but knows it helps keep me stable. But we have always been able to talk our differences out after we calm down and defer any decisions till we have calmed down as we both have much more (financially) to loose apart than we will together and we have a teenage son who needs us both-especially now.

At the end of the day she sees that we both still love each other and neither wants to be with anyone else so love wins at the end of the day. All I can say is for now it is enough for us to know that we can count on each other to be there when things are difficult. She does not want to be with a woman but she is realistic and cares about what I go through-and she knows that at times I struggle to maintain a cheerful face. And she now knows why I keep busy so much of the day. I hope you are able to have this kind of discussion with your wife soon.  Ours is not a long range solution but a short term fix so that we can be civil with each other and still express love for each other-and protect both individuals identity in the process. This is so complicated-but we can make something good come out of all this anguish we are forced to endure-and our loved ones along with us.

Hope this helps!
Love,
Randi

....Hmm...It seems our situations may be more similar than I first thought..

I'll tell you why on a pm.... it's too risky for me to let you know why on open furum..sorry folks..



Chrissty

As you say Randi...

..we keep ourselves busy and live our lives on a day to day basis...rather like following a compass heading, not sure of what we will encounter along the way...... but occasionally we do get a short break...a "doldrum" so to speak...when we get the chance to think straight again, and have a brief chance to more rationally examine where we are at....

I had such a moment yesterday, not because I had nothing to do, but more because I had finally got around to doing a simple repetitive job in the garden that I have been putting off for the last couple of years...

It wasn't a revelation, but more a realisation of how I'm coping with "not transitioning" or taking HRT..and the answer is I'm not...

Whichever way I look at  it, I am in a form of transition, I deny myself HRT, but the subconscious mind is amazing in the diverse and creative ways it compels us to follow our course. I think simply boils down to a matter of time.. once we know what our "problem" is, we start to fight to stop our femininity coming to the surface, but each time we fight it, we are in fact consciously confirming it's existence...and slowly but surely over time the unacceptable becomes more acceptable, until it becomes normal...

I simply cannot start formal HRT because my breasts are large enough as it is, but I'm finding that maybe I'm not hiding them as much as I used to... the empty side of the bathroom shelf is slowly filling up with face creams, scrubs, and vitamins... I have a naturally higher pitched voice that I used to hold low but I keep forgetting"...even my movements are subtly changing...

So I now realise what my subconscious is planning, in that I for now I need to "evolve" as opposed to the classical concept of "transition", it wants me to find ways of letting just enough of my feminine side out, such that my loved ones grow accustomed to it being a part of me, while I continue to try to sort out some kind of wild financial and life plan to soften the blow when that "little talk" is finally unavoidable...



Chrissty