I have no hope left.
I can't see my life going anywhere. By that, I don't mean that I don't see my life going the way I want, I literally mean that I cannot see any path which leads me forward from this point. None that I'll be able to bear anyway.
Everything is negative. Only distractions let me cope.

I go to a school which is a relic of a time when it was thought clever to segregate people according to the kind of reproductive organs they possess. I hate it there, but academically, it's one of the highest-performing schools in the country.

My attendance is hovering at about 84%. 80% is of course when social services vultures stick their snouts in. Let them come.

I'm all but certain that for my two years of sixth form, I'll be attending somewhere else. I had hope for a while that I could get transferred to one of the other better performing schools in the area (because they're all in the same foundation), but their waiting lists are full. So that plan's ->-bleeped-<-ed.

And my other option is to go a sixth form college. That's probably what I'll end up doing.

My mother is all talk.  When she speaks about me and my brothers, she always speaks about 'the boys'. She refers to me by my old name to the point of overuse, even though she understands that it bothers me. She doesn't seem interested in comforting me, or even telling me the slightest positive thing.

I've tried for months, and I can't make my voice sound how I want, so I've given up talking to people.

And my face looks disgusting to the point where I just want to pour acid over it. And body hair just...keeps...growing...back. It makes me want to hack my legs off.

My head hair is just a joke, and I doubt it will ever look in the least presentable.

And I'm not even sure that transition would be enough. I want to be a mother. I can't be a mother.

I just want to sleep forever.

Long post.

Hey Hun,

I feel real sorry you feel as bad as you do. It sounds awful. Rock bottom.

Do you have any support?

Not really.

I've had several meetings with psychiatrists. The next one is in a month and a half. Nothing regular.

They say I can't fulfil the criteria for GID unless I cross-dress more frequently. It's meant to help me 'understand living in a different gender role'. Even though clothing just isn't as important to me as it is assumed.

If I thought that cross-dressing more often would change anything, I wouldn't need a psychiatrist to tell me to do it.

Whats bothering you the most at the moment?

Sounds like you are under a lot of pressure in regard to your academic stuff, but it is hard to cope with when you are dealing with powerful gender stuff, and not getting the support you need at home.


Maybe you could jump through the hoops, at least you will be moving...just a means to an ends

Feelings of GID are a total bytch. If I ever catch up with her I'm gonna kick her arse.

Consider a counsellor, they may be more sympathetic.

It probably is the academic stuff that weighs heaviest. I can't shake the feeling that with all my absences, I've hurt my chances of getting somewhere better.

That, plus the overwhelming compulsion to break any mirror I glance into. There's one in my bedroom. It's been facing the wall for some time now.

I know it looks grim from where you are, but hang in there!  The #1 thing you need to do is find some kind of support.  If the psychiatrists you've seen aren't helping, try to find something else.  I'm not sure where you live, but is there maybe an LGBT center you could go to?  That's where I get my therapy right now and it's incredibly helpful.

If you can't get somwhere better what will happen? Is that a bad thing?

You may think of yourself as hideous, but you're looking at yourself through a distorted lens. I do the same thing, actually. I'm a year into transition, I'm universally accepted as male, and still I look in the mirror and think, "I was better-looking when I was living as a butch-appearing girl. Who will want me now?" And yet my friends say things like, "Looking good!" and "Love the sideburns, Arch!"

My point is that we ourselves are often our worst critics, and we often need nice, supportive folks to remind us of that and bolster our failing self-esteem. If you can, spend more time with people who like you, the real you. If you have no support IRL, then keep coming here.

Sometimes it helps to make a little change. Do something you've never done before. Go somewhere you haven't been before. Do something small and productive, like washing the dishes, and then pat yourself on the back for it. Tell us what you did so that we can pat you on the back for it.

I wish I could help more. All I can do is send you virtual hugs and tell you to keep coming back.

My smarts are all I've got . I'm plagued by the recurring nightmare of being left in a menial job, where I do the same thing every day and never get to meet people. I've wanted to be a scientist for as long as I can remember, and it seems like the only career that would ever really satisfy me. The thought of not succeeding in that goal is utterly horrifying to me.

Alongside that, my biggest worry is that transition won't be enough. I'll just be an ugly thing no one wants to be around. One of my biggest wishes is motherhood (i.e. not fatherhood), which transition cannot help with.

And they're NHS psychiatrists, evidently bound by a strict adherence to protocol, so I'm kind of stuck with them. I haven't been able to find any kind of support centre that's reachable.

I suppose I'll sort it all out somehow. I just wanted to put it out there.


Anyways, thank you for responding.

I was the same, fear that I would not achieve. I felt being brainy was all I was. It is scary. If I could go back I would have chosen differently. Just let go a little.

You can still be a mum. Adoption, partner gets pregnant, surroget. I know the drive is to have your own flesh and blood but it does not matter. When you have that little baby in your arms love takes over and you become a parent.

NHS, yeah, maybe you will have to learn to jump the hoops unfortunately.

Quote from: HollyHC on March 08, 2010, 04:03:08 PM
My smarts are all I've got . I'm plagued by the recurring nightmare of being left in a menial job, where I do the same thing every day and never get to meet people. I've wanted to be a scientist for as long as I can remember, and it seems like the only career that would ever really satisfy me. The thought of not succeeding in that goal is utterly horrifying to me.

Welcome to the real world. That's the work most people do, boring, tedius, menial, never meeting anyone interesting.

But your problem is you have a depression. The saddnes you feel is a side effect. The depression is making it difficult for you to apply yourself to your studies.

Fortunately, you are in the UK where you get lots of second chances.

What you must do, at this time, is continue visiting the psychistrist so you can sort out of that depression. They really do know what they're doing. Tell then what they need to know. Be absolutely honest and open.

If it's of any consolation to you, I've had depression and it's an absolute bitch. But it doesn't mean you don't know what you're doing.

As for your mum, as most people here will tell you, that's mums for you. They seem to think if they ignore things they won;t exist.

But very little will do much good until you've sorted the depression.

Keep posting and tell us how you're getting on.

For sure, it is always darkest before the dawn. I think many of us here have felt similar moments at some point or another in our lives. Sometimes it takes all these bad things before we come to the realization that we have nothing left to loose, and you can only move forward to help yourself feel comfortable with yourself. As far as being a mother, you are not alone there, but as you know you may need to adopt. You can still be a mom. Hang in there

Right, long question... here comes a long answer! As someone who lives in the UK and who has been through the UK system, allbeit a very long time ago maybe I can help decode the the NHS speak for you.

What the psychiatrists are expecting is that you show some external desire to "cross live" on a permanent basis. Unfortunately they can't get inside your head and feel what you are feeling, so the only way they can assess whether you are sufficiently motivated or not is by looking at external signs such as cross dressing etc.

I know it's frustrating, and I know that the clothes aren't that important. Believe me, back in 1977 aged 17 I had exactly the same feelings and same sorts of argument with my first gender psychiatrist. I was a jeans and dungaree's sort of girl back then... and he thought that this didn't show enough commitment to feminity... a bit like your shrinks really...

I had even been allowed to grow up pretty much as a girl by my family. They had found me schools where I was allowed a good deal of freedom of gender expression. But all that "history" counted for nothing in the eyes of the shrink who had his list of diagnostic criteria. He wanted to see me dressing in flouncy skirts and makeup and waxing lyrical about how I loved flower arranging.

I refused to "cooperate" and as a result he refused to diagnose me, again a bit like you, and instead he put me through a period of what is now known as reparative therapy. All my resistance and insistance on being true to myself caused me was about 5 years of needless pain!

Trust me on this - a better way to tackle this is to compromise and give them what they want. If they want you to cross dress in order to get a diagnosis then give them what they want...

If you really want this thing, then isn't it important enough for you to want to do anything you have to do to get it, even a bit of cross dressing to "up" the apparent frequency. Think on these obstacles not as a judgement and dead end but as a challenge.

It was only when I learned this lesson that I started to make some progress. Eventually I spent just over a year making sure that when I went back to see my second shrink he would see exactly what he wanted and as a result gave me what I wanted.

I started to work hard on my appearance. I not only cross dressed but I went full time and threw away all my male clothes. I presented the shrinks with someone who was already living the life 100% to the best of my ability.

It worked and twenty six years later I have no regrets over my actions. I got what I wanted, which was SRS, and in record quick time too.

Now as to being a mother... I too had that dream, and I've fulfilled it too. As things stand medically you may not be able to give birth, although things are even advancing on that score. But what you can do is adopt.

You worry about your hair and your appearance. We all do that at the start. We all look at ourselves and say... how is this really going to work? and yes ok some are luckier than others... but for most people it does work out! The same can be said for the voice too.

So whilst I totally understand how you feel, I want to tell you that these things you fear are just phantoms. All you need to do is make the decision to go out and do whatever you need to do to get the doctors to help you and things will gradually start to improve.

Holly,

Read Jenny's post.

Doing the same thing everyday at work is better to have the resources to transition more effectively. It may seem boring but its better to pay ones bills to get the services you need than to start off with the dream job.
Best of luck to you.

I know it's not much consolation but many girls feel the same way about mirrors- I'm not overly fond of them myself. School pressures can be very hard to deal with when dealing with gender issues as well. I agree it seems silly to make such a big deal about clothing, but for now these little hoops we have to jump through, so that in the end we get what we want. Best wishes for happiness and new life *hugs*

I used to feel the same way about mirrors but that changed eventually.  I still hide my face because I only just started electro.  But it gets better if you stick with it.

Thank you everyone for the replies and suggestions.

I actually feel kind of better today.

I was in the exact place you are now less than a year ago.  I know exactly how you must be feeling, hopeless and seemingly crushed at every turn.  The only thing I can say is persevere, give yourself time to find your way, and keep making progress toward whatever brings you peace.

Believe me, I know it feels like all paths lead to misery and all of that, but it isn't true.  Just figure out your place and work to get there.  It will lead you to a happier state of mind, I promise.  I am happier now than I've ever been in my life, so for me it was a pretty quick turnaround.

PS- If they give you a hoop, just jump through it.  No need taking a morale stand at the peril of your own sanity or life.  Do feel free to whine about it though =P.  Lord knows I've done my share of that .

I'm a mirror phobe as well. Wonder if it's something in the TS gene.