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vulnerability

Started by kaide, March 08, 2010, 10:15:53 PM

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kaide

Well, I haven't posted anything because I just moved to my own place, no longer with parents and just got internet woot. Its so much better alone, and now I'm living at least part time female :D which is great, seems no one questions me and everyone in the complex sees me as female.

Well, to get the subject, since I have moved and living away from home *i have a room mate* and not living as a guy I am really seeing the vulnerability side to it, and can get kind of creepy some times.

I'm probabily going to get pepper spray or something. Anyways what made me feel vulnerable is this group of guys that apparently live in the same building complex as me. When my room mate was out on the balcony smoking these 3 men saw her and *sorry if its crude* said hey baby nice ass. She just ignored them, but then they asked "have you ever had black cock before?". she told them off and went inside. We went to get groceries and I was ahead of her up the stairs when we got back and they called out to me, hey babe, come chat with us. Well I just ignored them and waited on my friend to catch up to me. I figure just ignore them and w/e but the next day when I got home, it was kind of late, they saw me pull up, and stared, I just kept walking, well they followed me up to my apartment. Needless to say, I went in and locked my doors and checked the peep hole.

So i'm sure some of yall have had experience like that, so I was wondering what did you do? I talked to my neighbors *who happened to actually be my two co-workers kind of funny didn't know they lived there, which that could be a problem considering my therapist doesn't want me to come out at work yet they know now* Well they said if we have trouble to just get them. But that isn't a great solution considering they are heavy drinkers and are usually passed out :/

I was going to get pepper spray like I said but my therapist told me to get wasp spray because it has a longer range, I'm not sure if that's a good idea, I mean pepper spray just blinds temporarily right? I don't really want to blind them for good which I'm assuming wasp spray can, but I guess if they are coming at me I shouldn't worry about hurting them :P but idk I just don't think I would really want to blind someone.

So does anyone have any better suggestions? someone else told me to carry a knife but then again I see the point of just getting them away not seriously hurting them, I'm just sure if they found out I'm genetically male then well it could get a lot worst than just them calling me baby and such.
  •  

Hikari

I had a can of "bear spray", it seemed pretty potent, but it isn't like I tested it on myself or anything so it is a bit hard to tell with any certainty. Personally I have a 1911 (.45apc) pistol, but the laws here allow things like concealed carry IDK about the laws in your area.

Sometimes I do worry that if I ever had to use it, I would likely kill someone, or at least stand a much better chance at doing so than something such as a tazer. However, carrying a weapon for personal defence is more of a thing to help your own confidence, chances are you will never need to use it and if you do chances are the act of brandishing it alone will be enough but, if it is not then the alternative is pretty grim either way.

I have seen some people hopped up on drugs get hit by a car and just walk away and learn later they broke several ribs. The concept of a rapist on drugs discovering some TS status to his surprise frankly does scare me. In such a case if such a painful thing as breaking ribs wouldn't phase them then, about the only thing one could count on is to stop them through sheer blood loss, which would result in their death.

I know it is a bit of a controversial stance, but I do feel that if it came down to me or someone else I'd rather be forced to kill them than allow myself to die. I do however, wish to never have to test my resolve on the subject.

Aside from that, perhaps looking towards a safer area? I know that is unlikely seeing as safe=expensive usually, not that a safer area guarantees safety, but it is better to have the odds for you rather than against you.
15 years on Susans, where has all the time gone?
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K8

I live in a pretty safe place, but I felt much more vulnerable once I started RLE.  There are some places I no longer go.  I also joined the pistol range and refreshed my skills.  I often carry pepper spray (good stuff - not the wimpy keychain stuff) when in any situation that I feel might need it.

Be aware of your surroundings.  If it doesn't feel right, it is better to back away or go somewhere else than to tough it out.  Always carry a phone.  Do not talk on the phone while walking.  Do not listen to tunes.  You want to be alert and aware of what is around you.

Do not engage in conversation or respond to people who taunt you.  They are looking for a response – don't give them one.  Generally, the evening and night hours are more dangerous than the early morning hours.  Do not leave your car if you don't think you can get to your apartment safely.  Have your keys in your hand so that you don't have to fumble for them at the apartment door or at your car door.

If you can befriend another woman in the area, ask for tips on how she manages.  You don't have to say you are trans – just say you've never lived in this kind of area and need to learn how to stay safe.

I know that I could be attacked or killed but I'll try my best to make sure they suffer for it in the process.  I am a friendly, open person, but I will survive if I possibly can.

Good luck, dear.  Stay safe.

- Kate
Life is a pilgrimage.
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El

I would not advise carrying a knife, the majority of stabwound victims are victims of their own weapons turned against them. Without proper training wielding a knife (or a gun for that matter) is dangerous if not darn right stupid you are more likely to hurt yourself. I find a set of keys protruding from a clenched fist is a much more defence friendly as all it requires is a punching action, also knees and elbows are your friends!

Doesnt really address the feeling safe issue but all i can offer on that front is try not to travel alone or after dark if you can avoid it and keep your wits about you!
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tekla

I'm with El, unless you are highly (and constantly) trained to use weapons its probably not a good idea.  And, (this is little known or talked about, but something to take into account) people really, really don't like weapons being pulled on them.  It escalates the conflict into life and death right away, it just jams everything straight up into hyperdrive and that's an even less controllable situation.  And of course, if you flash a knife at them, damn skippy the next time they be coming at you, you can bet your ass (which you have done) they have a gun on them.  Gun beats knife.  (Beats any can of spray stuff too).

Ignore them.  It's the best, most positive way.  They will quit in a bit, its not getting them where they want to go.  They are only dangerous to the degree that you are involved with them.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
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K8

Several more things:

I'm with the others about a knife.  I never trusted one.  I always thought it would be too easy for someone to take it away from me and use it against me.  Besides, you want to stay out of grabbing range if at all possible.  (A knife requires close-in work.)

The more of your neighbors you get to know, the safer you will feel and will be.

If at all possible, do not appear to be frightened, skittish, timid.  You do not want to appear to be an easy victim.  You don't want to present a challenge to them, but you want to appear assured and confident in your ability to protect yourself.  Tekla's point about the appearance of a weapon is good - it escalates things too fast.  You want them to look elsewhere for fun (or get hit by a truck or something >:().

- Kate
Life is a pilgrimage.
  •  

pebbles

I built a taser out of a whole load of intimidatingly large capacitors from old CRT monitors, I gave it to a female friend because they live in a nastier place than I do. as you live in the USA where it's not forbidden to own one you might get one of those?
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tekla

Weapons laws vary from state to state and sometimes even from town to town.  You really have to check the law very closely for wherever you are.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
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gennee

Fortunately, I've had very little problems. It's wise to be aware of your surroundings. If I don't feel comfortable about them I move on or use an alternative route.

Gennee
Be who you are.
Make a difference by being a difference.   :)

Blog: www.difecta.blogspot.com
  •  

K8

And one more thing, if I may:

Before you pull out any weapon - before you even carry one - even if it is just pepper spray or wasp spray, be absolutely certain in your mind that you will be ready and willing to use it on another human being.  Crunch time is not the time to think through whether you will be able to push the button or pull the trigger.

Stay safe out there.

- Kate
Life is a pilgrimage.
  •  

kaide

Thanks all, sorry I haven't responded sooner, like I've said before I just moved and the person who came over to set up our phone *I didn't even know we were getting one since I have a cell, apparently its only a couple extra bucks a month* Well when he set it up he messed up the internet, and for some reason the wireless router wasn't picking up my signal so I just grab my Ethernet cord from my old home.

Well thanks for the replies, and actually I am feeling, and doing better. Living more day to day as female does improve your confidence, and now I'm not so skid-dish about just walking to my car and what not, and actually don't have much trouble. Well...that and they found out I'm friends with these two guys in the apartments who apparently they tried messing with and got beat up by them heh, so they aren't really bothering us anymore.

As far as the weapons, well idk the laws on guns, I know how to use one and such, and i'm even a pretty good shot, its just I've never pulled a gun on a person, when you're taught to point your gun away from people it makes it harder to point it at them I think.

And the knife, well I don't really mess with knives and well I don't want to get that close if I can avoid it after i thought about what the guy said when he told me to get a knife.

And like I said, confidence does increase as I go out more, especially when you go out and guys take notice of you and in a nice way not a *wtf is he wearing* kind of way :P
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kyril

I usually just ignore guys who act like that. If you don't let them into your life and trust them in some way, you're in very little danger from them; the vast majority of attacks on women by men are committed by their friends and boyfriends. Don't get close to entitled, misogynistic pricks - and do, as you appear to have done, have guy friends who care about you.

Unfortunately (from experience) the dangerous ones are the ones who know how to act trustworthy when they want to. Watch for those.


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kaide

Thanks I will, but I've noticed they haven't been around a while, I think they got kicked out because the place the hung out all the time and some people vandalized it, it was the laundry mat so now they keep it locked and you can't use it after a certain time :/ and since that's happened I haven't seen them any where here, so yay :P
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Britney_413

I have a few tips. Knowing me, it may be a bit long. First, I am glad you take your safety seriously. Some MTF girls begin to like their transition so much that they have excessive confidence where they are the prettiest thing on earth and nobody would ever not like them. This of course is a dangerously unwise way of live. Confidence is crucial but practical confidence is what is required.

A lot of people here have stated that it is unwise to carry weapons without proper training or the will to use them. I agree but at the same time most weapons are not complicated mechanisms. Most will have some sort of manual with them or simply spending an evening sitting down and figuring out how they operate can often bring you up to scratch. Taking classes can help as well but I don't necessarily think they are necessary unless you are trying to learn advanced combat skills. You can practice moves with weapons in your own home such as drawing and aiming but utilize common sense (i.e. make sure everything is unloaded, safety on, etc.). While some people will say you shouldn't have to worry or concentrate on all of this stuff, I disagree. While you don't want to live paranoid, you should live prepared. Anything can happen anywhere anytime. I don't see why any human should not have a basic level of survival skills.

First, the key is avoidance. I would start with "location, location, location." It doesn't sound like you live in the best area if people are loitering around, bothering neighbors they don't know, getting beaten up, drama, etc. I've lived in lousy apartments and eventually had to move. While you may be stuck where you are for awhile, it never hurts to eventually plan on a better area. Even though I was well equipped at handling the threats at my old apartment, I didn't have peace of mind. You want to feel relaxed where you live, not on edge that you may have to engage in battle at any moment.

That aside, since you live where you live, avoidance is important meaning you need to set up social barriers. That means ignoring neighbors other than the friendly nod or "hello," and not loitering around yourself to attract any attention. Next comes privacy. If these people (neighbors or not) are constantly trying to get your attention, they are basically invading your privacy. You have the right to be left alone. I would demand in an assertive way your right to be left alone. A simple statement, "Excuse me, my private life and private business is private. You are not to interact with me while I am on my private balcony and you are not be hassling me when I enter/leave my dwelling." Further abuse by these people after you have clearly stated your intentions to be left alone is generally considered to be criminal harrassment in most jurisdictions. At this point, you may want to consider complaining both to your landlord as well as the police. If they don't live there, they can be trespassed off of the property. If the police are sent to deal with them, they will get their names down which could be used to file a restraining order against them. Beyond making it clear you are not interested in socializing with such people, there is no need to engage in arguments with them or further confrontations. For instance, if you tell them to "F*** off" as they taunt you and then five minutes later are beating at your front door, then simply call 911. As far as I'm concerned, only one warning is necessary and then you are within your rights to call the police. If the landlord clearly allows characters to just be loitering around or doesn't discipline neighbors who harrass others, in most states you can easily get out of your lease.

Next comes creating distance. The greater the distance you are from a problematic person (i.e. nosey neighbor, attacker) the better off you are. This can be as simple as walking up one stairwell vs. the other to avoid someone. Another example is if someone is clearly confronting you, position yourself tactically so that you have at least one escape route. You may take a step back or to the side to continue to give yourself good distance.

As to actual defense, here is what I find to be useful. For home defense, a shotgun. In most jurisdictions if someone is forcing their way into your house deadly force is allowed. Your home is your castle. If someone is forcing their way in your home, you do not know their intentions whether they are there to steal, rape, or even kill you. Either way, their intentions cannot be good. You don't want to argue with them and plus if one person breaks in they could be coming in with a gang. Shotguns are generally one shot, one stop. A gun shop can educate you on good home defense rounds and probably give you a brief overview of the laws regarding home defense in your area. The gun will have a manual showing how to operate it and full of safety tips. If you plan on doing this, make sure you intend to use it. If someone is in your house, if they don't immediately turn to leave, they could quickly take the gun away from you. If you grab it and point it, you better use it.

As to defense outside your home, pepper spray is useful but only recommended outdoors where the spray won't also affect you. It generally does not permenately injure anyone. It is great for creating distance. Even if the spray doesn't hit them directly they are not going to want to walk through it. Within a matter of seconds, you can pull it, aim it, and spray it and while doing so continue to walk backwards.

As to knives, a lot of people don't recommend them but they can be a useful last resort. They create distance when distance is currently not available. It is far harder for someone to take a knife from you than a gun. You don't generally want to stab but to slash. Hitting a couple of arms or legs can cause massive bleeding and will result in death if the attacker doesn't immediately get help. Even if you don't hit him, very few people are going to continue coming at you if you are slashing at them.

Last but not least is a pistol. What is often most effective about it is its deterrance ability. Most states have some form of both concealed carry as well as open carry. Even if an attacker doesn't speak English, they generally understand the language a gun provides. I am a bit of a fan of open carry because of this. Very few people are going to attack a girl they see with a gun strapped to her side. Whether you have it concealed or openly carried, make sure if you pull it you intend to use it. If the bad guy is closing in with a baseball bat and you pointing it at him doesn't make him stop, pulling the trigger will. Gun shops can educate you on proper holsters, retention, etc.

This is kind of a depressing topic but at the same time a necessary one. It is important for all of us to utilize at least a few basic survival skills in our daily lives. It is good to mentally form "what-if" scenarios so we have some pre-prepared plans on what to do. It is useful to know the laws governing defense and weaponry as well. You have rights to be who you are and I for one will not tolerate people violating my rights. While I'm not invincible, it would be unwise for anyone to try to attack me in my apartment or on the grounds without resulting in injury or death to them. While all of this defense stuff seems time-consuming and paranoid at first, as time goes on you get used to it and it becomes second nature. I carry something with me almost everywhere I go and I'm almost always aware of my surroundings at all times and it requires little effort and is clearly second nature. I want to be the one the criminal avoids but if not I want to be prepared to the best of my ability. I find it strange how our society expects people to be academically prepared, financially prepared, and prepared in so many other ways but yet when it comes to personal safety, society thinks you are paranoid and just leave it to the police. Oh well, enough said for one day. Good luck.
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LordKAT

General rule, you can only get a restraining order after you've been physically injured/attacked.
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barbie

I live in a rather safe country as most places are crowded even in midnight. I already had bad experiences in the U.S., and I realized why women walk in group even in daytime. I would suggest to be with at least one friend outdoors.

A few days ago, I had a chance to walk alone at night in a flourshing town. A group of drunken young men at their 20s tried to speak to me. I just ignored them, and they seemed to be awed at my unusual height as I wore 3-inch heels. They just studied at me. I thought these guys are actually at ages of my sons  ::)  In my country, I have never had an embarassing moment. And of course, guns are not allowed to possess at any place except cops, and there are always some people around me.

Barbie~~
Just do it.
  • skype:barbie?call
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spacial

When I was able to leave my parent's home, I spent a number of years living in quite disturbing places. I understand how you feel.

I never carried any sort of weapon and was a total wimp anyway.

But I found that, by looking out for a few decent people, there are always some, it just seems like everyone is a crud, and forming basic relationships with them, we were all a lot safer.

From the comments those guys are making, it sounds like they are trying to prove to each other that they aren't gay.

Most people have to start from the bottom. If you keep your head things eventually get better.

Incidently, my first place was a large bin, (dumpster), used by offices for waste paper. Only spent 2 nights there but it was a whole lot better than being in the wind in the middle of winter in Scotland!

Now I own my own home!  :D
  •  

kaide

Again thanks for the replies, sorry I haven't responded, I've been really sick, and I mean it, I was, at one point, asleep for 16 hours straight.... Went to bed at 6 pm one night, woke up the next day at noon...wait... 18 hours o.O

Anyways, thanks for the replies. Yeah, I looked for pepper spray, few different places, guess i'll try walmart tomorrow, i'm sure they would have it... then again the places I've seen it have don't carry it any more.

As far as neighbors most of them are pretty cool, no one really bugs us, just those 3, which for the most part we just ignore them, don't really bug me any more because they are teenagers and i've noticed they just sit around all day by their car calling out to every girl they see lol, hoping one of them may actually come say hi. Maybe if they went out and actually chatted instead of standing around calling out baby someone may respond hehe.

But as far as self defense goes, I don't think I'm horrible at it, I mean I've never got attacked by multiple people, but as far as one on one, I grew up with a delinquent brother and I learned a lot from him, he fought a lot, sadly I recently found out he has a stab wound scar from a knife fight... I knew he fought a lot but dang, I didn't know he has had weapons pulled on him. And I have defended myself before, but was always one on one, and that's why it bugged me because there were 3, and I've never had a group of people harass me before.
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Britney_413

It seems suspicious to me that day and night a group of people are just "hanging out" by their car. Normal people are either working, in school, or otherwise doing something with their time. At minimum this is loitering and it may also be trespassing. This is an example of why I'm an advocate for open carry. I have walked through a parking lot many times before with a holstered pistol when I've seen questionable people loitering. Interestingly enough, almost immediately after they see the pistol they decide they are suddenly leaving. Even inside establishments such as convenience stores, grown adults dressed like gang-bangers who were previously bouncing around acting like fools suddenly are quiet and well-behaved. It is in many cases a silent way of avoiding a confrontation because without even having to say anything or make eye contact to the problematic individuals, the problem quickly solves itself. Nothing of course guarantees this would work in all situations with all individuals. I still recommend that you bring it up to the owner/manager of the property.
  •  

Smith

Learn KungFu is one of alternative... :D :D :D
(just kidding  :P)

Don't be so sad, your problem will be fixed within the time :police:

The Buddha said: " Don't be afraid if there is not your own karma, but if there is your karma, no one place to hide your self, even in the heaven, bottom of the sea, in top of mountain or any places"

So, you do not have to worry :D
Buddha and God bless you Kaide :D
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