I have questions I want to ask my FTM fiance, but he isn't confortable discussing certain things, and there are certain 'areas' I'm not allowed if you know what I mean.  Shouldn't we be able to share everything?  Should I stop asking?  What do other couples do?

Hello DLT.
Maybe if you share these questions with us, we might be able to answer them for you.

It depends on what those things are, or more what they mean to you and what they mean to him. I think everybody has a right to keep some things private for whatever reason. So if those questions you have are just things you want to know just because you want to know, I would say stop asking. But if those things have something to do with your relationship with him or it really hurts your feelings that he's not willing to talk about them, I suggest that you share your emotions with him, tell him why you want to know, why it's so important and maybe he gives you some answers, maybe not, but respect his feelings too and don't take too much stress about it. I mean, trust on him and let him tell you what he wants you to know about him.

Sometimes we tend to protect ourselves and our emotions, even from those we love and should trust.

I know there are areas of my life I don't discuss.  My therapist has gotten through my shield and gotten me to talk but it takes time and a Lot of trust.

Give your partner time and space.  He will answer in good time.

Sarah L.

What I can tell you about my SO, Pam, she did ask alot of questions, some that at first I was not comfortable with, but realized why she needed to know certain things. If your guy feels comfortable with you, he will respond. But there are some things that are just plain hard to ddeal with and don't want to talk about. Give him time.

                                               Marco

Quote from: Nero on October 12, 2006, 12:37:28 PM
Hello DLT.
Maybe if you share these questions with us, we might be able to answer them for you.

I'm wondering what his genitalia is like now - and if I'll ever be able to touch him, etc.  We are going to get married, and right now I'm not allowed to "look", "touch" or otherwise.  At first I thought, "Hey!  A girl's dream come true!"  (joking)  but really, it's a big portion of intimacy I used to have that I don't know - and I just wonder if it's going to be like this for the rest of our lives - it's a part of sex I really used to enjoy.  I haven't pushed him at all - I don't want to upset him or make him do something he's not ready for, but it comes up from time to time when my instinct is to "grab" him there playfully and I can't.

I also have lots of questions like, once someone's had a phalloplasty, are there nerve endings there?  can you enjoy it the way a gender male does?  Does he really have 'orgasms' like he seems to?  or is it more of a psychological thing?  can his penis get hard? How much choice do you have in the size they can make it?

And the ones you guys can't answer are like... how many more operations does he have?  where are they taking the skin grafts from?  How many surgeries does it take in total?

I don't know - maybe it's none of my business - but it's what I wonder, and what I wish I knew about my husband-to-be.

I will give this a try for you. Well his genitalia right now should be simalar to yours, if you are a genetic female I assume? And that usually is an off limits area if he is straight. I say this because this would make him feel female if you were to touch him there. But, testorone makes the clitoris grow, very big in comparison to the way it is now. It will resemble and act like a very small penis. I can tell you that I was the same way about that untill my current girlfriend. I though was a bit larger there befor "T" and it is much bigger now. That does make a difference as to how it makes us feel in a comfort zone. He may allow you after some growth.
I will also mention that after having chest surgery, I am 100% more comfortable with my body. I hardly ever wear a shirt. And for me, those "things" were off limits. My SO understood this, and is as happy as I that they are gone. I don't plan on having a phalloplasty for a few reasons. One, they cost way too much to have. second, there is the chance of not having sensation, sometimes a body will reject the new body part, and the skin grafts are huge. I will have a metodioplasty. Like I said, the clitoris grows sometimes up to 4 inches within 2 years of being on testosterone. Then, they cut the hood and the "penis" is released. Also testes can be inserted. There is no loss of sensation, it is your body part.

Surgeries- Usually the first is top surgery. Then a hystorectomy, then whatever bottom surgery ine choses. Many people never have bottom done. It just depends on the person, and mostly money.
i hope this helps.
                                               Marco
Posted on: October 12, 2006, 03:44:46 PM

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Hi DLT0410:

Marco shared with me that there was a new 'me' here at Susan's (a gg SO of an FtM).  Please feel free to ask me any questions you want.  I have been with Marco through his entire transition thus far, and there is a ways to go (surgery wise).  Marco passes 100% of the time and is now recognized by the State of California as male.  We too plan to be married sometime in the next year.

As far as your questions about intimacy, I can totally relate to you about that.  I know it is very important to an intimate relationship to be able to 'go' pretty much everywhere.  At the beginning of Marco's and my relationship, I kept assuring him that I loved him for the man that I saw he was.  It didn't matter to me that he had some body parts that didn't 'match' society's expectations.  If he didn't want me to touch something...I didn't touch it.  In fact, there is still one area that is off limits (the mid-section down stairs) and that is o.k. that I can't 'go' there because, to me, that is very female anyway, and so I just ignore that part.  I totally understand why Marco is uncomfortable with it and I respect that.  His top surgery was one of the best things thus far because I like only my breasts between us when we are intimate.  His man chest is awesome too.  Sorry...I get a little carried away when I think about him 

I know that it would be very important to me to at least know my partner's body before I married him.  There might be areas that are still off limits to touch, but I think knowing at least takes the mystery out of it and makes it easier to respect the boundaries.  It's also very very important to not pressure him though.  Transition is such a difficult, sensitive time and he needs all the support he can get without feeling pressured.  Just be honest about your feelings with him because if you keep things from each other, you will begin to resent one another.  Assure him that you love him for the man he is and that you desire a level of intimacy with him that will bond you two together for the rest of your lives.

I know...I tend to ramble.  I hoped this helped and like I said, feel free to ask me anything!  I'm an open book.

Take care,
Pam

Quote from: MarcosGirl on October 13, 2006, 12:22:03 AM
Hi DLT0410:

Marco shared with me that there was a new 'me' here at Susan's (a gg SO of an FtM).  Please feel free to ask me any questions you want.  I have been with Marco through his entire transition thus far, and there is a ways to go (surgery wise).  Marco passes 100% of the time and is now recognized by the State of California as male.  We too plan to be married sometime in the next year.

As far as your questions about intimacy, I can totally relate to you about that.  I know it is very important to an intimate relationship to be able to 'go' pretty much everywhere.  At the beginning of Marco's and my relationship, I kept assuring him that I loved him for the man that I saw he was.  It didn't matter to me that he had some body parts that didn't 'match' society's expectations.  If he didn't want me to touch something...I didn't touch it.  In fact, there is still one area that is off limits (the mid-section down stairs) and that is o.k. that I can't 'go' there because, to me, that is very female anyway, and so I just ignore that part.  I totally understand why Marco is uncomfortable with it and I respect that.  His top surgery was one of the best things thus far because I like only my breasts between us when we are intimate.  His man chest is awesome too.  Sorry...I get a little carried away when I think about him 

I know that it would be very important to me to at least know my partner's body before I married him.  There might be areas that are still off limits to touch, but I think knowing at least takes the mystery out of it and makes it easier to respect the boundaries.  It's also very very important to not pressure him though.  Transition is such a difficult, sensitive time and he needs all the support he can get without feeling pressured.  Just be honest about your feelings with him because if you keep things from each other, you will begin to resent one another.  Assure him that you love him for the man he is and that you desire a level of intimacy with him that will bond you two together for the rest of your lives.

I know...I tend to ramble.  I hoped this helped and like I said, feel free to ask me anything!  I'm an open book.

Take care,
Pam

Hi Pam.  Well, since finding this site - I told my SO about it, and that I had "posted" my questions....  LOL  - he wanted to read it so I copied and pasted him my posting.  That night he said he hadn't realized all the thoughts and feelings and questions I had - and we had a very, very candid conversation about EVERYTHING.  Since then, whenever I have a question, I just ask - and he just answers.  It was a HUGE breakthrough and has made me feel much closer to him.  Like you, there are still places I don't go, but I'm able to do much more than before.  I, like you... don't want to go any further - I just like not having all these "questions" in my head all the time.  In any case, we have plenty of other hurdles to climb, without adding secrets to the list... haha...  You and Marco have been great.  I hope to hear from you both again.