I am trying to experiment and analyze to understand myself better. I was born male, but never felt connected to my body. I accepted what I was told about how I should be which included ignoring my feelings and my body.

Less than a year ago I decided in therapy to explore my unknown "feminine side" which has been fun and enlightening. I will never go back to being ordinary heterosexual masculine male.

My question though is about understanding how some "assigned female at birth" people who identify as male understand what being male means to them. I mean if someone forced me to stay male I would be terribly depressed. But being male to me means looking like the man in the mirror I cannot identify with. It means being cut off from feelings to some extent and having being taught by parents and peers that "big boys do not cry." I fear being like the domineering, insensitive, aggressive and unhappy men I have seen around me all my life.

It sometimes mean I get really weird looks when I play with children - you know "peek-a-boo" - while standing in line at the store. It means in my experience being the one to initiate sex and dates and everything in a relationship - and being criticized if I get it "wrong." It means being expected to be the "provider" - even when other agreements had been made. Before my child was born, his mother - my then wife- and I agreed to split child care and money making. When he was born, all of a sudden I was expected to make all the money and defer child care to her totally. I refused and we ended up divorced. I always tried to help out with planning as well as implementing house care, so I was not the "typical" sexist male in behavior. Actually I spent a good deal of my professional life studying gender and gender roles. I have spent a good deal of time trying to help men be more appropriately emotional and empathic with some success.

Gah! too wordy. My dilemma - I want out of being male so bad. That someone wants to be male makes me think I'm missing something. I know some FtM would say "I do not want to be male I am male." What does that mean? The FtM people who blog here sound like decent caring emotional (in healthy ways) people to me for the most part and no one says "I want to drink beer and fart and say rude things to women." Or "I must be the head of the household." So something of being male is outside social standards for what being male means.

I also know that some women - happy to be women - have more masculine traits than many men, and some men - happy to be men - have more feminine traits than many women. So being male or female is somewhat separate from masculinity and femininity.

For myself, I spent many years saying "I am not like those men who are following social stereotypes - I am an emotionally healthy caring atypical man."

Feh! I never felt right in the body I wore. I never felt right in the social personna I wore. I do not want to be seen as and treated as a "man."

So maybe I am just not a man. Or not simply that - maybe an androgyne? Or maybe I am a woman. That thought scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. But I want to understand. My doubt or confusion is this, am I just running from social definitions? Many people live them out without questioning as I am. Or maybe I just do not feel like I am a man. Whatever that means.

I asked before what being a woman means. I really appreciated the responses I got. Notwithstanding my chronological age or my education and profession, I feel like a child in a new world - its confusing, overwhelming and exciting but I need to learn and explore and know.

Thank you for this opportunity to wonder in print.

Kendall

Speaking for my experiences.

I have nothing against males, I like males, I have mostly male friends, I just don't want to be one and don't feel like I am one. I have always felt like I'm supposed to be female. But not because my personality might have been feminine, not because I thought the girls were doing something more interesting than the boys were, simply because it 'felt' like I was supposed to be. I can't explain what that's like, I can't even attribute motive too it, it just is. A motivation to be female seemingly driven only by itself.

I never wanted to be a male, but in addition to that I also WANTED to be a female. I can't even try to attribute reason as too why, it's just the way I felt, inappropriateness with being seen as male and appropriateness with being seen as female.

So, in the end it really doesn't matter if males have it better, or easier, or what range of behavior is and isn't found acceptable by them.

All the acceptance of my behavior seen as a 'male' in the world wouldn't have changed my need to transition. I would have eventually killed myself otherwise.

So what does it mean to feel like you just ARE male? I couldn't say, no real experience with it.
What does it mean to feel like you just ARE female? I couldn't say, but I know what it's like.

I went through most of my life male but not a man – I knew I was male and tried to live as one, but I knew I wasn't really a man.  I fell into the male-stereotype stuff when I was young, wondering why my father didn't hunt or fish or like sports.  Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure he was a man and thought of himself as one.

I have found that I am much more comfortable being a woman.  I seem to fit into the world better and take great enjoyment out of finally relaxing and shedding the mask I felt obligated to wear for all those years – obligated by my anatomy and by social expectations.

I was talking to my therapist today about the fact that I may have awkward moments as a woman sometimes in the future (none yet) because of my odd background (being male for over 60 years), just as I was sometimes awkward pretending to be a man because I was male but not a man.

I don't think you can rely on your impression of women or men or your stereotypes of either to discover who you are.  It is deeper than that – inside you at the very core.

Or at least that's my experience.  YMMV

- Kate

I think your "social standards" regarding men are a bunch of negative stereotypes by another name, to be pefectly frank.

I could just as easily say that I couldn't imagine anyone being a woman because I don't want to wear high heels, dye my hair blonde, cry for no apparent reason, lose my ability to read maps, and giggle vacantly when I don't know something.

Being male or female does not mean being a stereotype. We're all individuals. It's about being who YOU are, gender being one aspect of many.

Yes, I am FTM and I identify as male (not "wanting to be", but "am"). What that means? It means I am male. I did not choose to be male, I am not setting out to "become" male from being something else. I could not change being male, even if I wanted to.

In short, my brain tells me I am a man with the same certainty it tells me that eating earwax is a bad idea.

What being a man entails, and what sort of man I am is all up to me, my interpretation, and what I think feels right for me. And that's a personal thing that will shed absolutely no light on your situation.

I mean, I don't fit a lot of male stereotypes, but I don't fit a lot of female ones, either. For me it isn't about the amount of stereotypes I fit of one gender versus the other, even though chances are I fit more masculine stereotypes.

For me, being male-identified involves two things. One is gender role, how other people see me, identify me, and think of me. I want to be perceived as a guy. Part of that is because I know I'm not happy being seen as a girl, and the other part is that when I AM treated like a guy (whatever that means), it feels good to me.

The other thing is my body. My dysphoria is low enough for me not to necessarily want to transition all the way, but I still feel it about my female bits. Something in my brain tells me that I should have a male body, to the point where I have a mild phantom "limb" experience. *cough*

Quote from: Kendall on March 23, 2010, 03:16:38 PM

Feh! I never felt right in the body I wore. I never felt right in the social personna I wore. I do not want to be seen as and treated as a "man."

Replace the word "man" with the word "woman" in this sentence, and you pretty much have how I've felt since I was a little kid.

There was a part of me, too, that wondered if I was simply trying to escape the social norm - Where being a woman means always deferring to the men in the room;  Having my opinions count for less than my male colleagues;  Showing my legs and cheering for the boys, instead of being part of the team and rolling in the mud on the football field; Being expected to be Virginal in public, and a whore in bed ... and so forth and so on. 

But at the end of the day, while all of that irked me,  it was more about looking in the mirror and not seeing a stranger.  The female form just felt completely wrong.  I would look at those disgusting fat bags hanging off my chest, and see the pathetic slope of my shoulders, and think, "That's not what I'm supposed to look like."  It was also about fulfilling my personal self-image.  I always saw myself as being the knight in shining armor, rather than the simpering princess in the tower.  When I thought of myself, I just always thought of myself as male.  It's really hard to describe, that's the way I've always felt.

Its funny to call this a quick response - I thought for some time about it. I appreciate what each person wrote - the time they took to share.

I especially want to say to Technoir, your ideas did help me be more clear. I know some of the things I mentioned are stereotypes and not a necessary part of being male. What I came to realize is that even when I learned not to be those things, I still did not feel ok. As Jamie-O said of himself, I realized I was not just rejecting social norms.

Most of my life I have survived by thinking things through, but as K8 and Ashley4218 seemed to say this is something I have to "feel" my way through. I am learning how to know through experiencing - slowly.

Thank you all again

Kendall

It's not so much about the stereotypes (although I do not reject them completely) or about how masculine I am. Because I'm probably pretty androgynous, except for my irritating body.

It's simply that I see women as the "other" and that being grouped with them makes me feel wrong. I never felt any drive to be more female and since puberty hit have resented all that is making me into something I'm not. As time goes, I identify as more male and it doesn't mean I have to act any particular way. I know I'm on the feminine side, but that is simply me. I was raised female and not "toughened up" like a normal little boy might have been but it doesn't bother me much.

Also, I just feel good being perceived and treated as a male. As opposed to the general discomfort I've always had with "femaleness."