Hey guys and dolls,

I've been having a weird side effect of transition. Happiness. And I'm not sure if I like it. I'm happy with where I am, where I'm headed, my body, my family - everything.
But it feels so unnatural. Almost unwholesome. As if there's got to be suffering to be legit. I feel my mind searching for some familiar place in which to rest. But the big boulders of despair have been moved and nothing is left to provide any shade or comfort but some small rocks of little disappointments and regrets. And my mind finds these and rests against them. They provide shelter from the bright rays of a happy soul.
But why?
There has always this dark cloud of wrongness hanging over me. Nothing could ever be right with the world as long as I had that gender problem. Now the problem is gone. And so is the cloud. But it's like I don't trust this new feeling of happiness.

Hi Nero,

I think moving forward always helps us feel happy. I'm on HRT and although still fall into depression I get out easier. You have been through more stuff than most and have managed to rise from the nearly dead to become a successful and respected man.
You deserve to have happy.
Let it spread out from you and bask on others.

Hugs Bro.

BTW, My Easter Egg hasn't arrived as yet, you did send it express?

Cindy

It sounds kind of like you think you don't deserve it. I'm not sure I can relate to this quite as well as most, being of a rather optimistic sort; but I can kind of imagine the idea of not knowing how to relate to happiness simply because it's a foreign concept. I would imagine it would get better as you get used to it, though...

This actually reminds me of a quote I heard somewhere, which I can't remember all of. Something about how our greatest fear is not that we're powerless, but rather that we have power beyond measure. We don't think we have a right to be happy, or beautiful, or smart. Why is that?

With society's tendency to make everyone act the same way, it can feel a bit odd, maybe pretentious, to feel good about yourself. After all, lots of people feel badly about themselves, and are you any better than them? But the thing here is that it doesn't matter whether you're better than people or not; everyone deserves happiness. One of the reasons why they don't all have it is because very few of them actually believe the premise.

Even if life does somehow need suffering in it, you've obviously already suffered. That should satisfy the requirement (if there is one), right? You deserve happiness either way.

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This passage is commonly mis-attributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Address.  It actually comes from 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson.  Not only was it not written by Mandela, but it is not quoted in either of his two Inaugural Speeches:

Quote from: tekla on April 03, 2010, 03:37:24 AM
"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This passage is commonly mis-attributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Address.  It actually comes from 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson.  Not only was it not written by Mandela, but it is not quoted in either of his two Inaugural Speeches:

Thank you Kat, I had never read or heard that before. Totally stunning and refreshing.
Thanks Again
Cindy

The unfamiliar is scary. If we have spent years miserable, then experiencing true happiness can be frightening because it is a completely new sensation. 

Afet 40+ years of severe depression, I still find it a bit of a shock to be smiling so much. Enjoy!

Hi Nero,
.
Congratulations on finding happiness.   

I do understand what you mean though. 
It's very easy to fall back into old feelings, old habits, and old modes of thought...even when those things are no longer needed, wanted, or helpful.  There is a certain comfort in the normalcy (which can be good or bad) that comes in returning to places that you know well... whether it be an old house, an old neighborhood, or the remnants of an old mindset.  Places that we used to find what little comfort and stability we could.  It can take a while to give them up completely...even when we know we've found something far better.  For me, the past was often a matter of always being on edge...waiting for that other shoe to drop...and the shade of that cave while dark, musty, damp and cold...it was often the only comfort and stability that I had.  It wasn't where I would choose to be...but it was the only stable place at the time...a reliable shelter from the ever-present storm.  When such a situation lasts for years, and you're finally happy now, it can seem like a dream that you're just waiting to wake up from...so you keep your cave ready...uncertain if you can trust the newness of it all.

Stick with it.  Eventually, in time, you'll come to learn to trust the new scenery.  You'll learn to grow fond of the light...until the need for that cave seems but a distant memory.

Just keep doing what you're doing...you'll get used to it soon enough. 

I'm finding it overwhelming just to allow myself to feel much at all. I used to have powerful filters in place that kept the worst stuff out. Trouble is, they also kept the best stuff out, too. To keep my lows from getting too low, I had to turn off all the highs, too. I called it "being a zombie."

After I came out, there was so much bad. Pain, fear, anger, resurrected memories. Not much happiness at all--only a glimpse now and again. Then, after transition, euphoria for a few months and not much bad at all. But that wasn't a natural state, either. I think it was more like a manic phase than anything else.

I recently came out of a winter depression that was worse than any I have ever experienced. Talk about swinging the other way...

My usual defense mechanisms have been breaking down in weird ways. I can feel bad one day and good the next. Or bad one hour and good the next. The thing that strikes me is that it's all mixed in together now, and it's smothering me. I was used to feeling modulated all the freaking time. Then I had almost all bad, then almost all good. Now I'm all over the place, and it's overwhelming.

I think I'm pendulating toward a normal state and just haven't gotten there yet. In the meantime, I distrust the good feelings (I'm not used to this!) and dread the bad feelings (is my depression coming back?!).

If it weren't for the few months of "gender euphoria," I wouldn't have known that it could feel so good to feel good. Because right now when I feel good, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any happiness I have is colored by the knowledge that it could all be taken away in a moment, and I'll be returned to that drab state of zombieland and not much feeling at all.

I do not want to go back there, yet it was so comforting and safe.

QuoteBut why?

Are you taking antidepressants?

Follow Epicurus. "MODERATION" Avoid pain but do not overly embrace pleasure. It is the contrast that is addictive.

My heritage and upbringing prepared me to seek contentment.  Instead as Kate I feel pure joy and am sometimes not sure what to do with it.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, the pie in the face, the unprovoked attack, the disaster waiting around the next bend.  When those things didn't occur, I have gradually gotten used to being happy and think that now I will be better able to handle unhappiness – because now I have grown to expect to be happy.

In the beginning I felt guilty that I should be so happy when others weren't, but somehow my own happiness overcame that.

In one of my surgery letters my therapist wrote: "Kate appears to be happy and pleased with herself."  I like that.  I read that as being pleased with the person I have become.  How wonderful to have had the opportunity to become a person I like.

And I wish that for all of you – the opportunity to become a person you like.  What a wonderful world this would be if we all became, somehow, people we actually like.

- Kate

PS: Thanks for the quote, Kat.  I really like it.

It has to do with habit.

Doing things that are out of our habits, out of the norm for us, is always difficult and uncomfortable, even if these are good things.

Happiness shouldn't be much different.