My dad and I have never got along. I still care about him, but it has been difficult to do so. He was abusive when I was a child, and was the primary means that ran my family into financial destitution. He rarely held a steady job so it fell to my mother to be the financial backbone of the family. She always had a hard time saying no to him and thus financial problems defined her life.
As you know she died in Jan of last year. Several months before she died my mother told me that she intended to leave everything to me to then divvy up her life insurance money among myself, my sister, and my father. Unfortunately she died without having ever put this into writing. All of the money went to my dad.
I attempted in his time of grief to help him make some wise financial decisions, getting out of debt, etc. He agreed to follow a plan I laid out for him. I decided as a back up plan to borrow a significant amount from him getting him to agree to it based on the idea he would be gaining interest from his loan. I did it in order to protect him. I knew my father and that the money he received would be gone in about 3-4 years even if he followed my plan, and being a retired, disabled, individual, he would need something to live on. I knew that I could give him a steady income for the next 15 years this way by paying him out over that time so that even if he lost everything, he could still live on what I'd be sending him.
Well it has been a year and not only has he spent every dime, but he also withdrew from his own retirement funds nearly everything. He lived like a kingpin, buying friends, and favors, running around with his "crew", a bunch of people who took advantage of him because he bought them stuff that he was convinced were his close friends. I also found out, unsurprisingly, but still that not only did he not pay off any of his debt, he also took out three mortgages on his homes (he bought a new one with cash on the lake after my mom died), and is now getting cash advances from his bank paying what is effectively 150% interest. He also found a credit card I had loaned to my mother like 6 years ago and charged it up (I don't do credit cards now - I had actually forgot it existed). I have already taken care of that.
None of that was as bad as what I just found out. My mother's mother, my grandmother, loaned my mom money by allowing my mother to open credit cards in my grandmother's name. Those were supposed to be some of the first items to be paid off when the settlement came in. I just discovered that not only were they not paid, but my father told my grandmother that since the cards were in her name and not my mother's it wasn't his problem.
I want to care for him, I want to fix it, but I feel so disgusted. How could I even be related to this man? How could I love him or want his approval in anything? I cannot stand the idea he even exists. I mean he has reasons for the way he is, but it doesn't change the terrible man he is.
I don't know what to do. I'm so stuck. I want to try to help him before he loses everything completely! I want so badly to declare him incompetent (he isn't) so I can take over his financial situation and fix it all. At the same time I want to hate him, write him off, and wish his demise. I blame him for my mother's death, he and her. She was always so stressed out and he was the primary reason, but she never had the strength to leave him.
I plan to pay off my grandmother's cards (if I can) since I am getting a sizable income tax return this year, but I don't know what else I can do.
I hate this. I know others have had worse experiences with their fathers, but I just want some help right now on what to do with him. I don't even know where to begin I'm so conflicted.
EDIT: so many grammatical and funky sentences in this I'm not going to try to fix it. Man my writing goes to pot when I'm stressed.
