I don't post much, but would appreciate some input to my current dilemma.  First I am a 33 year old PhD student in forest biology and have come out to most of the people I see regularly at school (Still present as male at school).  Two weeks ago I arranged what was suppose to be a small celebration upon receiving a referral to the endo.  This was the first time most of my school friends saw my female presentation.  I am faced with a situation today where a bunch of my friends will be celebrating at a local pub as on friend is finishing his thesis today.  I will be returning from a therapy appointment (where I always present as female) at about the same time and am wondering if I should stop by or go home and change first (I live about 5 minutes from the bar).  Most people there know I am trans, and many have already seen my female presentation. 

So what would you do?  Go to therapy in "boy-mode"?  Go to the bar in "girl-mode"?  Change between?

Do you think this is confusing for coworkers/friends to continually switch back and forth? (I am hoping to go FT after Christmas), or is it better to gradually introduce them to this?

For me I have no problem going anywhere in "girl-mode" these days, especially after I broke the ice at school.  My presentation is getting better, but I still get "read" often. 

Thanks for reading,
jenna!

My opinion is...if you are comfortable in girl mode and plan to come out anyway, go for it.



If you really want to put it off til christmas, then do so. it just delays what you want to do.

Hi, Jenna.

Congrats on your progress. I do have a question for you, however.

You are 33, and living, studying and working in a university setting. You are out to most everyone at this point. Though I understand this is a process, my questions is- why are you remaining in male presentation much or most of the time? For whom are you staying male?

Surely, the university would not have much of an issue with your modified gender presentation. If you went to school as female, you would negate this "back and forth" problem.

To your question about confusing your friends, I would simply say that yes, it is quite confusing to them. I understand that some people here on Susan's are andro, and prefer no gender boundaries. That said, most of society lives in a gender binary world-male and female. The most difficult thing for me was living between genders, especially after I was on hormones, but needing to remain in a masculine role at work until I could transition.

I would say that you should give the whole matter a good thought, then pick the time and method of going full time. Only go full time, however, if this is right for you. If you haven't gotten into gender counseling, I would strongly suggest this.

With your present dilemma, I would say show up as your femme self if you feel more comfortable doing so. Since most everyone knows you also as Jenna, this should not be a problem. If, however, this event is in a rough and tumble bar where your presentation would cause a row, then you might think otherwise.

Good luck with your new self!

Thanks for the quick replies, to clarify, I ask myself all the time why I am waiting to go FT, I guess it seems like a better approach to start on HRT and allow them to take effect so that it is easier on the people around me and therefore easier on myself. 

I have been in gender counseling now for over a year, and no it is a very nice bar which my I am a bit of a regular at (in "boy-mode"). 

Arrgggh.......

Well maybe it is time for them to meet the real you.

I'll add another voice to being in that which makes one most comfy for therapy (as  there isn't as much use to having a shell for the situation).

I can't advise on the bar scene though.

Quote from: jennajane on April 13, 2010, 12:00:07 PM
Thanks for the quick replies, to clarify, I ask myself all the time why I am waiting to go FT, I guess it seems like a better approach to start on HRT and allow them to take effect so that it is easier on the people around me and therefore easier on myself. 

I have been in gender counseling now for over a year, and no it is a very nice bar which my I am a bit of a regular at (in "boy-mode"). 

Arrgggh.......

It sounds like you are in a place where you are most comfortable right now. As you go through your mental gender transition, you will reach a point where it seems silly not to live your life in the proper gender role.

Hormones do hasten this process, I believe. Yes, your features will somewhat soften on HRT. If you haven't started electrolysis or laser hair removal for your beard, now would be the time to get started. It does take quit a while to accomplish the clearing.

The back and forth does confuse people, unless you explain the process to your friends or associates. They may think that you aren't serious about this, or that it is a lifestyle choice of sorts-one that you can change at will or on a whim.

For some, their personalities remain pretty similar no matter what mode of presentation that find themselves doing. For others, their personalities are dictated by the clothing. If your personality is much different between modes, this would be confusing to them.

I also took the go slow approach, in order to make certain that this was the right life course for me. However, I was not blending my male world and female world of friends and experiences. I needed to keep them separate.

Again, for me, I simply reached the point where I needed to be female all the time. Andro was driving me nuts-one minute getting sir'd and the next maam'd. Too much stress for me!

Hi,

I was on HRT for about 6 months before going full time and I had, had laser on my facial hair which had almost gone by then. So it was so much easier to go full time and be accepted.

Going from male to female and back again was difficult for me. I too presented female at therapy and strangely was at university doing a post grad as male. No one knew and I didn't go full time until I graduated.

If you are comfortable and your friends are comfortable with you in female mode then go for it, but only you know that and I/we can not advise much on that. One word is about the area in which you live, study and socialise, there are people out there who are transphobic and presenting as both could out you at another point which could be dangerous. I know of some who have been physically attacked, etc.

Don't mean to worry you,

Stardust   

Thanks for the input everyone, I do appreciate it.  Like normal I think I made a big deal out of nothing.  I went to the bar in "girl-mode" and had a fabulous evening.  Everybody is really good to use my girl name, and many of the guys kissed me on the cheek (typical here in Quebec that guys kiss the girls on each cheek). I think I have some really good friends.  There was about 20 of us at the bar and then 14 of us went out for dinner afterwards and I just got home.  Everybody is super accepting and it makes me wonder why I don't just go FT now, or at least sooner than the Christmas date I set for myself. 

I have been doing laser/electro for a year already and haven't shaved since January.  I am not on HRT and didn't get the referral, so I am probably looking at another 6 months before I can take that step, although I want to now, but am trying to go through the process in the program I'm in.

What a great night, and I am sure some patience will get me through this in between stage.
Jenna!

Hey just wanted to say congrats!

That's amazing! :] sounds like you have some amazing friends

start throwing away bits of maleness so when you go full time it will be a full transformation..as everyone is happy with you its silly to try being both sexes when you'd rather be female

You did the right thing.

Never ever go to a therapy session as a male, because as soon as you do they will start wondering if they can "manage" you non surgically.

If you always present as female they have less room to express doubts and throw obstacles at you.

I also think that some people put off the moment of transition longer than they should. I agree with lilacwoman here. If your status is known and accepted at "work" then why continue to present as male?

Glad you had a good night! I am also glad you chose your 'real mode'.

I notice you have 'boy mode' and 'girl mode'. Have you considered trying 'in between mode'? If you begin to dress more androgynous over time you will reach a point where it is moot. This is what I did, actually. All of a sudden I realized I reached the point where I was presenting as female full time and that is when I decided to go full time officially.

It's true that my 2 modes are becoming less different with time, but I do still feel more comfortable leaving the overtly girl things for my female presentation.  I am sure some might call my presentation a bit andro already, no facial hair/stuble, long hair.  I feel I have a few obstacles before the switch to FT.  It seems a bit out of order to go FT before HRT, although I know at one time this was a prerequisite for HRT.   I also think people might be more comfortable in a social/casual setting then at my school/work environment too.  I think it would be hard to maintain my female presentation this summer, I often work in small towns and in the forest, and I find it is much easier to present female in the city.  I also feel like I am very muscley and almost never show any arm above my elbow when I present female. 

I agree that it is important to present female at therapy, especially this week, as it was the first time I saw the therapist after being rejected for HRT (another story). 

Life is feeling good these days and I like that things are happening.  Plus I nailed a yoga pose this morning that I have been working on for some time now. 

jenna! 

Hmmm... honestly, I would say that all or nothing is best.  I understand that before full-time, people sometimes have to alter presentations (for example, male at work, female at home), but I think it's best to stay constant in a given environment.  If someone has seen you presenting as female, then to have them see you later back as male would (in my mind) make the transition more difficult.  Once you begin presenting female with a given set of people, going back and forth might be confusing and instill doubts as to your transition intentions.  Only my two cents!

Lia

[quote author=jennajane link=. 

I agree that it is important to present female at therapy, especially this week, as it was the first time I saw the therapist after being rejected for HRT (another story).   
[/quote

I was rejected for HRT after almost 4 full years of transition ********* at gender clinic can't see the lawsuit lumbering down on them...