Darn, I was hoping I could go the socially reclusive way and research this by typing in keywords in Google, but that seems not to be getting me very far. Which I suppose is predictable-- search engines rarely turn up much more than the basics, but I still for whatever reason feel rediculous bringing this up, maybe because I've always been very insistent that I'm fine and dandy with my body as it is, and I've always been very insistent that I don't have any desire to change it, particularly not in ways that could be permanent-- no dieting, no tattoos, none of that for me.
So I suppose I'm having a battle with my own ego, here, because I hate admitting I was wrong.
But my body doesn't fit me. I have nothing against it at all, but it doesn't fit. It's like a really fantastic outfit that just isn't the right shape for ME, which is so much harder to admit to wanting to change than something I actually, wholeheartedly despise.
I identify as genderqueer, something to the effect of androgynous (which is probably apparent to anyone who has run across me on my rather sporadic ventures into the androgyne board). That much I've known for a while, now, and have been open about and altogether quite comfortable with. But my body is female. As such, I find myself dressing almost entirely masculine in an attempt to balance out-- compensate for?-- the femininity of my body. That's not what I want to do. I want to be comfortable wearing a skirt one day and a shirt and tie the next (or maybe just consolidate both into one outfit-- that works too), and on some level I am... on an ideological level I am. That's what I want. That's how I envision myself when I draw myself or daydream about myself, but when I wear feminine clothing, I feel so hyper-aware of the femininity of my own body that I can't bring myself to fully appreciate my clothes for what they are: Clothes. Chosen for their comfort and their visual appeal, not their gender connotations.
What seems most comfortable, for me, is the idea of occupying that space between sexes that coincides with the space between genders I already find myself in. What I want, somehow, is to find some feasible way to make that a physical possibility. Testosterone seems like the most logical way to accomplish that. Perhaps short-term use of testosterone? I've looked up the effects and risks and all of that-- I know the basics, I wouldn't even dream of saying I'm an expert in any way, shape, or form. I do know that I'm not interested in surgery of any sort, and I do know that I am seriously considering testosterone, though I wouldn't say I have my heart set on it-- I don't know enough to set my heart on anything at this point in time.
I've thought about this a lot-- I've even posted (though somewhat more hypothetically) about it in the androgyne's board a while back, but it wasn't until this weekend that something finally clicked and everything shifted from the hypothetical realm to some kind of impending reality, albeit a confused "where do I go from here and how?" sort of reality.
So, now that I've completely dumped my ego out on the floor in front of a bunch of people who hardly know me, I suppose what I really meant to ask is... where do I go from here? Who do I talk to, and what do I talk to them about? What kinds of time and money and involvement will all of this really entail? I live in the middle of nowhere, also known as the Midwestern United States, so my area is a little scant on the resources, to say the least.
Also, I suppose I should note that although I am reluctant to admit "I was wrong" (who isn't?), and I'm cautious, because obviously one should not run headfirst into something so huge without thinking it through first, I'm not... unsure about this. I'm just being a stubborn-butt and taking my time poking my head out of this shell I've holed myself up in. So bear with me and my slight lack of social adeptness? 8D;
